tryingtofly

How do you know if what you're doing is because of your personality or codenpendcy?
What I mean by this, is I've always done things for people...when my aunt had surgery I made her this amazing chicken 'stoup' and brought her a card...did I do that as a codependent people pleaser or a nice person?
Today was my husband's 2 months of sobriety date, so I picked him up 2 cadbury eggs and a card that basically said "keep up the good work"...did I do that as a codependent people pleaser or just cause that's how I am.
I find myself questioning every thought, action, emotion and wondering if it's really "me" or the codependency...how do you know?

LaTeeDa

There are a couple of questions you can ask yourself that should help. If I am in doubt, I always try to figure out my motivation. Are you trying to get something from that person by being nice? (Even if all you are trying to get is acknowledgement, you are still doing it for yourself, not them) The second thing to consider is if you are doing it because you truly want to, or something you feel you should do? Shoulds come from a place of shame and guilt, wants come from a place of love.

Another thing I want to mention is that there really is no difference between "me" and my codependency. I have certain personality traits that can be codependent, depending on how I behave. When the pendulum swings too far in either direction, I am in trouble. Balance is the key.

L

cmc

When I am doing things for other people that they could or should be doing for themselves that is not a personality trait- but an action of choice _I_ make to involve myself in someone else's business or problems. If my behavior harms myself or somebody else I am not making healthy choices.

I like what LaTeeDa said about how it depends on the circumstance and motives.

Kindeyes

There is nothing wrong with being kind and thoughtful.

In dealing with my A son, I have a little ritual. I put both of my hands out in front of me, palms up--kind of like a scale. Then I ask myself "Are you supporting him in recovery or are you enabling the disease." For some reason, that seems to make it easier for me to determine my own motivations.

hugs

hope2bhappy

The two instances you have described don't sound codependent to me. I try to keep my actions genuine with no expectations. Congratulations to your husband on his two-month recovery!

Barbara52

I also love doing nice things for people. Its part of who I am. I love to give of myself. I love to do things for people to let them know I care about them or appreciate them in my life. I do it because it make me feel good. I do it because I like bringing a little joy or recognition or sympathy or whatever to someone I care about.

Now that I understand some of what codependency is I try not to cross the line and do things they can do for themselves or things I think should be done or with ulterior motives (even if those motives may not be obvious).

karmakoma

Like the others I believe it is a question of motive. Am I trying to change someone by doing X? Am I trying to ignore my own problems by doing Y?

I would also add in effect as an indicator. Do my actions lead me to neglect my own wants and needs? Am I actually taing responsibility off the shoulders of whom it belongs? Am I stealing growth opportunities for another through my actions?

For me there is no such thing as "the codependency". I simply have ways of thinking, feeling and, subsequently, doing that are not healthy for me. That those traits have been brought together under one label are neither here nor there for me apart from producing a book (Codependent No More) that shed light on my behavior and the thoughts that led me there.

49er_fan

The way I look at it, is if you do nice things for someone, will you throw it in their face later on when they don't do nice things for you? This is a biggie for me and people in my life.

I've been trying to detach from my alcohlic mother, and she's been trying to manipulate me. She sent me a birthday card with a check like she does every year. When things got to the point where we weren't talking for a long time, I didn't send her a birthday card, but did call. She gave me a guilt trip that she sent me a card, but I didn't send her one.

I've also done plenty of things to my wife in the name of being nice, only to later throw those things back in her face when she doesn't do those things to me in return.

There is a saying "treat others how you want to be treated". That phrase, to me, has turned into a double edged sword, because I always treat others how I want to be treated yet often don't get what I want in return. I would love to have someone bring me soup, or give me candy and a card, and I would do those things for someone in a heartbeat. The questions I'm trying to answer right now, though, is, "Am I treating the RIGHT people how I want to be treated, so that they can treat me the same way in return?" There are, and I'm now realizing this, people out there who will never treat me the same way I treat them, and I need to recognize this and act and respond appropriately.

LaTeeDa

This is a perfect example of what I meant. Expecting something in return for being nice. I prefer to associate with people who are nice, not in return for me being nice to them, but simply because that's who they are. Does that make any sense? I spent a lot of years operating out of the mindset that I could earn love with my actions. It only brought me heartache.

L

*Edit to add* I had no idea I was doing this as it was entirely subconscious. It took months of therapy for me to realize it.

Growing

KK said what I was going to say.... "Am I neglecting/hiding/ignoring my own needs?"

This was a biggie for me as an acoa. By being involved with other peoples issues...I never dealt with mine. I didn't want to. My issues were so overwhelming to me...how I was raised by two raging alcoholics that tried to kill eachother consistently...my PTSD got in the way of being able to deal with wanting to hide/deny/ignore....but I was eventually able to face it.

Now I am the champion of my own needs most days...nobody is perfect...but I recognize when I have got off track alot faster these days.

peaceteach

I can often tell by the feeling in my gut. If I'm happy and warm all over, it's a good thing. If I'm feeling anxious or stressed by it, it's me doing for others with resentment.

BohemiMamaof3

I've enjoyed reading all of the responses in this thread. It's very freeing to give without any expectation in return, but at times difficult and at odds with our human nature. On some level, we all expect some kind of reciprocity.

tryingtofly

Thank you all so much for your responses. This has been a real struggle for me, but it's helped posting about it here. I keep reading the responses over and over and mulling over them.

Barbara52

Mulling is a very good thing. {hugs}