FindingJoy

Yup my RExAB is NO DIFFERENT with drinking except there is no slurring or passing out. He is still the best and worst liar I know and most selfish person I've ever met. Oh and EVERONE thinks he's great and charming....sound familiar????

lillamy

I struggled with the "disease" moniker for alcoholism for a long time, because it made me feel like I was excusing AXH's behavior if I called it "a disease."

And it was actually something LaTeeDa said that helped me push through that to the other side. It's in my signature: "Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable."

It doesn't matter if a person abuses me because they're an alcoholic, because they have a brain tumor the size of a grapefruit, or because they simply enjoy abusing someone. Their behavior is the same, and I will remove myself regardless.

FindingJoy

Very helpful words. What I'm still trying to understand about my self is why do I still miss someone at times who is so toxic???

thequest

I think the problem today is that too many start drinking heavily too young so there isn't a level of maturity to return to. I think that's why many simply don't get it.

blwninthewind

I have been asked to lead my alanon meeting. My first time and I have really taken it seriously reading my literature and really searching for a topic that I feel will help me and the others in my group.

I've finally decided on "expectations"
I know my mom tells me all the time not to expect anything and you won't be dissapointed but I also remember something LaTeeDa wrote recently about "roles" v "specific person" in relation to expectations. She basically said it's okay to have expectations and expect people to fulfill the roles they have chosen to fill...ie: husband should act like a husband. Not lie, cheat and act inappropriately.
I believe this.
So while for me...I also struggle with what is 'normal' a##hole behavior and what is just lingering alcoholic behaviors...i realized it doesn't matter !!!!!
If my A cannot fulfill the duties and responsibilities of the role he has CHOSEN to take then it's up to me to decide whether that is acceptable IN MY LIFE.
He can continue to act in whatever manner he chooses but I have the right to decide that whether I want that in my life for not.

Selfish or Alcoholic is really like the which came first...chicken or the egg...because all A are selfish....the question is non exclusive.

Freedom1990

NYC17, you might want to read this post:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-symptom.html

Sending you hugs of support!

NYCDoglvr

I'll speak as an alcoholic who has been sober 20 years. Early on someone said "If you take the alcohol away from a drunken horse thief you still have a horse thief". Drinking is only a symptom of the disease of alcoholism, we have to change the way we think or drink again. I've worked hard (therapy, 12 Steps) and don't resemble the selfish, self-involved, grandiose and mentally ill. Enormous ego and low self-esteem. It takes a lot of time to change; some things are easy but others never budge. It's progress, not perfection.

FindingJoy

NYC thank you for sharing your insight from personal experience. My RExAB said the same phrase that you mentioned "big ego low self esteem."
He's able to verbalize his character defects and even seems remorseful about how he has treated people but when it comes to action he fails miserably every time. Im sure this starts the cycle all over again in his brain each time he fails to take a different (a more healthy) action.

Change takes a lot of work and patience with yourself. We become so conditioned to doing these certain toxic behaviors that initially they appear to be the easier path to take...then we are reminded by our HP that there's a very mean dragon at the end if that path.

blwninthewind

My RAH said this one day "no one can say someone else is an Alcoholic, it's something we have to decide for ourselves"

Uh no....
when you drink yourself into oblivion, **** on the kitchen floor and throw a plate of perfectly good food on the floor because it didn't have enough salt.... REPEATEDLY...same S$%^ different day...

YOUR AN ALCOHOLIC!
Now to seek RECOVERY...it is 100% up to you to ACCEPT it and take those steps ...

Denial doesn't save you from your disease anymore than it saves those who love you...in fact it just prolongs the pain.

Sooo on to this particular post...I personally am feeling a bit weird about the fact that the OP is saying she is having 'other' issues. Now that...unlike an alcoholic...is less obvious...and may or may not be true but surely doesn't belong here. I feel weird because someone else just posted about her A spouse was constantly questioning her sexuality and implying she was a lesbian when things didn't go his way..... so...no judging..just a little weirded out.

Isollae

I agree that alcoholism isn't something to be thrown about as an easy DX...but I also believe that my AH would never be DX'd as one simply because he 'presents' well and lies. He told me once long long ago that AA would never work for him because he would simply lie his way through it. He said he'd been through court ordered AA once before and lying your way through it was easy. (and I still married him and regret it)

So for me I don't worry any more about whether he is or isn't...it just doesn't matter. Ok...its like removing a weight from my soul to hear someone else say he is...lol. But otherwise its irrelevant. What matters is that he can lie so easily. He can look me in the face and tell lies that he knows I know are lies and act like I'm crazy for calling them lies.

What matters is what do you want for YOU now and in the future?

Do you think you can build something good with someone who lies and treats you in ways that make you unhappy or miserable?

If the answer is yes only with "if she.....".....then I think you're hurting yourself and maybe even her by staying together.

Life really is short....I hope you find your happiness as soon as you can.