How Do You Cope?
 

I'm having a bad day today and need some words of encouragement. My ABF and I have finally broken up and he is moving out slowly but surely. His anger and pettiness is on overload and I feel so sad. I don't want to feel like two years of my life was a waste but it's so hard to even like the guy anymore. He is so mean and gets so personal.

I have lots to look forward to but feel like a chump for allowing this to last so long. How did you get through the day without throwing a "pity party," or stay zen like.

Thanks for the help.

I haven't been through it, but my reccomendation is to have a "pity lunch hour." You don't have to have a whole party, but take some time to think about it (then you hopefully won't repeat it) then do something special for yourself.

You could start by thanking your lucky stars that it was ONLY two years. Mine was closer to twenty!

I do not look at it as that part of my life wasted. I prefer to look at it as an education. I learned a lot of (painful) lessons during those years. It's only a waste of time if I ignore them. :)

L

Venus~

Give yourself time. That and educating yourself about alcoholism is what helped me. To know that you didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it.

I found comfort in books, this forum and friends. Other than that.....nothing heals like time and venting to the people here who get it.:a194:

It was also almost 20 years for me and I don't feel I wasted them. Sometimes I kick myself for not wising up sooner, but I think of all I accomplished in those years, the friendships I made, etc., and I can't regret them. Yes, I sold myself short in love and the relationship, but I am learning today to be a better person and I see everything I went through as necessary to me getting here.

As to coping, I set a time limit on my pity parties and then I got out in the world.

Venus,

It was 7 years for me but it wasn't wasted time.......I did plenty of living in that time, and the bad things about the relationship taught me a priceless lesson about what I'm willing to put up with from here on out.

There's really no other way to learn it than by going through it and surviving with your head high. You'll be smarter and more self-protective from here on out.

So it's not wasted time.

Can you avoid his petty angry attacks at all? Can you just not be there when he's there? Is there anything you can do to accelerate the process? This is a torment you shouldn't allow to drag out if it's playing such hell with your peace of mind. That's worth something....you know?

Hang in there. You don't have to be zenlike...you just have to get through it somehow, and then things will be much, much better.

Its hard at first, but I did get to the point where I looked at my unfortunate marriage to my AH as a good thing in that it has led me to deal with my issues, something I probably wouldn't have done otherwise.


Why is it that he is moving out slowly? Personally I would set a deadline, change the locks on that deadline day and leave any of his stuff he hasn't moved out of the place out on the lawn/yard.driveway. Don't let him string this along any longer than necessary. I see it as yet another way to manipulate you and continue the drama longer than necessary.

I'm sorry that you're having a bad day. I have those too. How do I cope? I come to this forum. I talk to others who understand the craziness of loving an alcoholic. I read. I work on myself. I do yoga. I keep busy. Those are my coping tools.

gentle hugs to you. Tomorrow will be a better day if you set your mind to it.

Venus, I'm going through this right now. Its very hard, the relationship has been 5 years. Things boiled to a head this weekend.

Sometimes I am strong - others, I feel so sorry for this man that is throwing his life away. I want to help, but by sticking I'm starting to realise I am losing myself.

I can't offer any advice as thats the reason I came here. I wrote what I'm going through in the alcoholism section by accident.

If anything reading the threads here is a comfort to know I'm not the only one struggling with this.

I hope things turn out well x

It does feel like a craziness doesn't it. No one else seems to understand.