NoelleR, I'm sure I wasn't choosing my words carefully enough in my first post in trying to sum up my situation without writing the equivalent of a novel, but no, I didn't mean for the phrase "boiled down to" to equate "cause". And again, I'm sure I didn't speak carefully enough, but rather than my problems, I meant to refer to our problems, because the problems in the relationship with my husband are shared, and there are plenty enough that we can each own our part. Yes, my reaction to his drinking and isolation is my choice, though I doubt any of us truly "choose" to fall into depression, and I'm working in therapy to fix myself, not him.

And to answer you anvilhead, I don't necessarily think his response would be any different when I talk to him, but it's been a long long time since I've tried to talk to him about spending more time with me, because quite frankly I quit wanting to. I guess I meant that I need to bite the bullet and talk to him about the drinking problem of the equation, which I haven't done in a very long time, as this is kind of a new discovery through therapy for me, something I had probably been denying for a long time. I don't have a lot of hope for us having a happy ending on this, but I feel like it's only fair to him to let him know that this is becoming a dealbreaker for me.

Thanks again for the advice all, and the warm welcome Growing!

Ser,

You've just wrote out my married life with an alcoholic. Our story exactly. All he did was work, eat, drink beer and fall asleep on the couch by 7:30 every night. Our relationship suffered for years, i tried & tried to tell him what was happening to us. What I needed from him, from a relationship. It fell on deaf ears for at least 15 years. He seemed like he didn't really care about me. He didn't hate me, but it became that we did nothing together, and I mean absolutely nothing as a married couple. And then I met someone at work that actually liked to talk to me, like to laugh with me, go to lunch with me. And I started an affair with him to fill the void that I was and had been getting at home for years. It wasn't right, but it was more than I had at home. I was begging for what I needed and he didn't care. Until he found the cell phone bill that he could have found 8 months earlier, but couldn't have paid enough attention to know anything was wrong. Nothing felt any different to him than what he had made the norm around our home, our relationship. Until I wanted out and he found that bill.

Trust me, drinking probably is a problem at you home. It is a problem for you, which in turn makes it a problem for him. Someone told you on here that you've already tried to talk to him and it goes nowhere. I don't know that that is how it will happen at your house, but that's what happened at mine. And I finally detached for so long that I felt nothing for him. I wish him no ill will, but I'm finally out of that alcoholic home and relationship and couldn't be happier. Just not proud of what I did to get there. I wish I would have found these sites, the books, the therapist, Al-Anon etc. before I allowed the alcohol to affect me so deeply that I too was as sick as the alcoholic himself. Do yourself a favor, do some Al-Anon meetings and meet people that are living your same life and worse. You will relate and it will help you with some decisions. Take one day at a time though. You don't want to make any quick or irrational moves.

I think that sounds quite sane and rational, not to mention fair.

I also believe that you can have a happy ending, although it may be quite different from what you assume a happy ending to be at this point. :)

L

Ragazza Miele, I'm sorry you've been in the same boat, but I'm sure glad to not feel entirely alone! Thanks for your helpful post, and the commiseration. Sorta seems like we've been living parallel lives, down to most details in your post. I too wonder about the detachment - the codependent stuff I've been reading says we should stop trying to "control" (never really much of an issue for me) and begin to detach, and I think to myself, my god, if I were any more detached we'd forget each other's names! But I keep reading, thinking they must mean a different kind of detachment than I'm experiencing!

LaTeeDa, you're right, I am hoping for an eventual happy ending for myself, though I don't know what that looks like right now, but I'm really doubting at this point it will include my husband. I know I don't feel about him anymore the way that one ought to feel about a life partner, and it's probably unfair to drag this out longer when my ultimate decision could free up both of us to find happier endings, but I know an end to our relationship will crush him, and of course that puts me into a spiral of sadness and guilty feelings. This whole dealing with reality and my feelings crap sorta blows some days!

You will ultimately find a "happy ending"; but it may not be the fairy tale of a marriage where they all live happily every after.

Ser, I knew for me I would not be able to detach and stay in the marriage. I want a partner, a friend and a lover to share my life with. Not a room-mate, and an unfriendly one at that. I've read alot of things about detachment and how people stay in the relationship with it, but I just don't quite understand living that way and knew it wouldn't work for me. As soon as I got that detached, I began many friendships outside of the marriage, girlfriends to do things with, until I met my "friend" that I started the affair with. You know the really sad thing about the affair is that when I felt myself being pulled into it, I really didn't want to go there. So as it felt closer & closer to happening, I tried to really push on my husband to be a friend to me again, affectionate, "ACT" like my husband, but he couldn't come thru. It was as though I couldn't help myself at that point. He proved to me AGAIN how much our relationship didn't mean. I felt like he just didn't care anymore about it. My kids are grown & in college now, so I'm living on my own and I've met a really nice guy that has been somewhat in my life for the past 17 years but I hardly knew he existed. My bro-in-law worked for him, but we were both married. Now we find ourselves both single again after long marriages and he doesn't drink a drop. Never has. Wow, what a concept, I didn't know there were people out there like that. The first date we had I bought a six pack just because I thought all guys drink. All the ones I know do. He drank one beer just to be cordial I guess, and then the other five beers sat in my fridge for 4 months until I could finally give them to someone that would drink them (my XAH's brother, go figure!). We look at each other all the time and say "who woulda thunk it?" LIFE IS GOOD! Good luck to you and I appreciate chatting with you. I'm finally at a place where I'm ready to work this for myself. I thought because I was divorced from him, I didn't need it, but it's like I need it more now than ever to help along with my own recovery from the years of living with the alcoholic.

yes
 

Amen sister!!!!!

This is exactly where I am at!

I know what you are saying
 

I could have written your letter. My husband is a fully functioning alcoholic...who sleeps in front of the tv and is absent from our relationship after 4pm. My therapist of one month pointed out that it is similar to having a third party with you at all times. The drink is like a girl friend. He has to have her around everyday even when I am around and he feels that she is just as important to the "party" if not more important than you are. That analogy hit home with me. I am just starting to deal with this....so I too am looking for guidence.