Need Help/advice!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: California
Posts: 303
Need Help/advice!!!
Hi All,
The story continues. The kids and I returned home yesterday after being gone for a week. My AH continues to be cold to me.
For many years I've been asking him to please take over the bills/financials as I have been the one solely in charge. He has shown interest in taking them over, but has NEVER done anything about it. UNTIL NOW! Okay, so I'm glad that he'll be taking over paying the bills, etc., however, he has informed me that he is opening a separate account for his direct deposit paycheck, which I will have no access to. He will transfer $ for bills into our checking acct. (which I do have access to).
I say, I am so glad that you are finally taking this over, but I do not agree with the separate acct. Well, gee, why not? He says his only motivation is to start saving (which I have not done, I admit), and to manage our bills better (which I have not done, I admit). I have no problem admitting I have not done a good job. BUT, I don't think it's right for him to have an acct. that I have no access to? What are my rights here?
He says "trust me". I tell him I don't trust him. I don't know who he is or what he'll do!
Speaking of trust, I was going through his pile of receipts from while I was gone, and found one for patron tequilla. He did not know that I saw it. So I asked him, did you drink any tequilla while was gone? No. Did you bring any into our home? No. Are you sure you did not drink any tequilla? Well, I did go out with the guys and I had a shot. Are you sure you did not drink any in the house? I'm sure I did not. Okay, then, does this receipt for tequilla belong to you? Uh, no, I don't know what you're talking about.
You get the picture. After a few minutes of this, he finally admits that he did buy a bottle of tequilla, that he did drink it in the house with his friends, that nobody was out of control (?), and that he lied to me because he nows how sensitive I am to the subject!!!
So....my AH lied directly to my face, while he was looking me in the eyes, and he did this because he knows how sensitive I am to it? WHAT? How can I trust someone with our finances who lies to my face about a bottle of alcohol? I asked him this and he says "don't worry". ??????????
Oh, and he told me, with tears starting to well up in his eyes, that he did not even feel like drinking while I was gone. And that when I'm around, he drinks because he wants to "escape" me. I pointed out that he's not been drinking excessively this last month, and I have been around, so he's making the choice now, not to drink as much as before...right?
NO, NO, NO, NO. I know my 3 C's: Didn't cause, can't control, can't cure!!!!! Told him he drank excessively even when we first started dating 19 yrs. ago, and sometimes I even joined him in his drinking. So what's his excuse for then? He certainly was not trying to escape me then.
Ugh, after over 10 years of not communicating at all, now we are actually communicating and it's not pretty. It's a big mucky, hateful, shameful, maddening, frustrating mess!
I know I'm not crazy. I know what I know. But for a split second, when he had tears, I felt sorry for him, and thought "wow, maybe I do make him drink". But it only last for a second, and then I told him how I feel.
I don't like this. I don't want to do this (today). I know I have to, but it is so tiring....
Shivaya
The story continues. The kids and I returned home yesterday after being gone for a week. My AH continues to be cold to me.
For many years I've been asking him to please take over the bills/financials as I have been the one solely in charge. He has shown interest in taking them over, but has NEVER done anything about it. UNTIL NOW! Okay, so I'm glad that he'll be taking over paying the bills, etc., however, he has informed me that he is opening a separate account for his direct deposit paycheck, which I will have no access to. He will transfer $ for bills into our checking acct. (which I do have access to).
I say, I am so glad that you are finally taking this over, but I do not agree with the separate acct. Well, gee, why not? He says his only motivation is to start saving (which I have not done, I admit), and to manage our bills better (which I have not done, I admit). I have no problem admitting I have not done a good job. BUT, I don't think it's right for him to have an acct. that I have no access to? What are my rights here?
He says "trust me". I tell him I don't trust him. I don't know who he is or what he'll do!
Speaking of trust, I was going through his pile of receipts from while I was gone, and found one for patron tequilla. He did not know that I saw it. So I asked him, did you drink any tequilla while was gone? No. Did you bring any into our home? No. Are you sure you did not drink any tequilla? Well, I did go out with the guys and I had a shot. Are you sure you did not drink any in the house? I'm sure I did not. Okay, then, does this receipt for tequilla belong to you? Uh, no, I don't know what you're talking about.
You get the picture. After a few minutes of this, he finally admits that he did buy a bottle of tequilla, that he did drink it in the house with his friends, that nobody was out of control (?), and that he lied to me because he nows how sensitive I am to the subject!!!
So....my AH lied directly to my face, while he was looking me in the eyes, and he did this because he knows how sensitive I am to it? WHAT? How can I trust someone with our finances who lies to my face about a bottle of alcohol? I asked him this and he says "don't worry". ??????????
Oh, and he told me, with tears starting to well up in his eyes, that he did not even feel like drinking while I was gone. And that when I'm around, he drinks because he wants to "escape" me. I pointed out that he's not been drinking excessively this last month, and I have been around, so he's making the choice now, not to drink as much as before...right?
NO, NO, NO, NO. I know my 3 C's: Didn't cause, can't control, can't cure!!!!! Told him he drank excessively even when we first started dating 19 yrs. ago, and sometimes I even joined him in his drinking. So what's his excuse for then? He certainly was not trying to escape me then.
Ugh, after over 10 years of not communicating at all, now we are actually communicating and it's not pretty. It's a big mucky, hateful, shameful, maddening, frustrating mess!
I know I'm not crazy. I know what I know. But for a split second, when he had tears, I felt sorry for him, and thought "wow, maybe I do make him drink". But it only last for a second, and then I told him how I feel.
I don't like this. I don't want to do this (today). I know I have to, but it is so tiring....
Shivaya
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: MO
Posts: 56
Shivaya...you are right on honey...you are not crazy and his lying is unacceptable...but yet...quite expected. He knows that drinking bothers you....he lied because he was hoping he wouldn't be caught. Boy, how do they know right when to draw the tears...I mean...truly...it makes me want to bang my head against the wall for him. Mine does the same...how can anyone possess that much manipulation in one body????
I would be very concerned about the seperate checking account as well. I am responsible for my finances aswell....and have asked hubby to do the same thing and step up and take charge for years. I think my biggest concern would be that he could get the money from your joint account...move the money to his account and say he paid the bills...
Shiv...it is complete BS about wanting to "escape" you. It is cruel and extremely hurtfull for him to say something so terrible. He knows that hurts you but says it to do that very thing. You know your gut feeling ....go with it.
Gentle hugs to you...do not internalize what he is saying...it's his insecurities talking...has nothing to do with you!
Take care of you!
I would be very concerned about the seperate checking account as well. I am responsible for my finances aswell....and have asked hubby to do the same thing and step up and take charge for years. I think my biggest concern would be that he could get the money from your joint account...move the money to his account and say he paid the bills...
Shiv...it is complete BS about wanting to "escape" you. It is cruel and extremely hurtfull for him to say something so terrible. He knows that hurts you but says it to do that very thing. You know your gut feeling ....go with it.
Gentle hugs to you...do not internalize what he is saying...it's his insecurities talking...has nothing to do with you!
Take care of you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Originally Posted by SHIVAYA 
Oh, and I forgot. The above post has "Red Flag" written all over it. Does it not? Or am I making a mountain out of a mole hill (or whatever that saying is...).
Thanks,
Shivaya
Thanks,
Shivaya
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Back South where I belong!
Posts: 210
Agree with the above. That's how it all started for me as well -finding the lone receipt here and there and lies about the drinking. Then I found the bag of bottles in the workshop and it was all abundantly clear! Something is definitely up - you know it, right?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Shivaya -
Money is power. Of course he has come up with a story to make it seem perfectly reasonable. There is no reason he can't accomplish all of those lofty goals WITHOUT setting up a bank account that you do not have access to. Don't fall for it.
Oh the lies. That's the day I walked out, when I caught him red handed. I, like you, gave him chance to tell the truth. But, he didn't know how I knew he was drinking because I wouldn't tell him. I found the "empties" and I found the "stash", but I didn't mess with them. I asked him how much he had been drinking He said "nothing". I even gave him a second chance and said - "If I told you I knew for a fact that is not true, what would you say". He became adament and using the face and tone of voice that I had ALWAYS believed in the past he said "I HAVE NOT BEEN DRINKING ANYTHING". It was like an cannonball shot right through my stomach. How many times had I believed him when he used that voice, not just about alcohol but about everything. I could NEVER believe him again, and I knew I couldn't stay.
He did admit it eventually -- well, the day I handed him the divorce papers and he, of course, teared up and almost collapsed. He said why? I said -- you did lie to me, right? He just quietly said yes.
So, on we go. I'm glad to not be dealing with it in the trenches anymore. I know the pain will go away someday, I just hope it is soon.
Money is power. Of course he has come up with a story to make it seem perfectly reasonable. There is no reason he can't accomplish all of those lofty goals WITHOUT setting up a bank account that you do not have access to. Don't fall for it.
Oh the lies. That's the day I walked out, when I caught him red handed. I, like you, gave him chance to tell the truth. But, he didn't know how I knew he was drinking because I wouldn't tell him. I found the "empties" and I found the "stash", but I didn't mess with them. I asked him how much he had been drinking He said "nothing". I even gave him a second chance and said - "If I told you I knew for a fact that is not true, what would you say". He became adament and using the face and tone of voice that I had ALWAYS believed in the past he said "I HAVE NOT BEEN DRINKING ANYTHING". It was like an cannonball shot right through my stomach. How many times had I believed him when he used that voice, not just about alcohol but about everything. I could NEVER believe him again, and I knew I couldn't stay.
He did admit it eventually -- well, the day I handed him the divorce papers and he, of course, teared up and almost collapsed. He said why? I said -- you did lie to me, right? He just quietly said yes.
So, on we go. I'm glad to not be dealing with it in the trenches anymore. I know the pain will go away someday, I just hope it is soon.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hampton Roads, VA
Posts: 68
Years ago my AH and I were in therapy. The doc looked at my husband and said "David, your lies will cause the end of your marriage. It's not a question of if they will, just a question of when."
4 years later I have finally left him. I wish I would have heard what he was saying then. I sign the petition for the court tomorrow at my attorney's office.
I'm sad. I will always love him, I will always wish it could have worked out. But I know it's time for me to save myself. All I can do is turn it over to God and pray for both of us.
4 years later I have finally left him. I wish I would have heard what he was saying then. I sign the petition for the court tomorrow at my attorney's office.
I'm sad. I will always love him, I will always wish it could have worked out. But I know it's time for me to save myself. All I can do is turn it over to God and pray for both of us.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
So....my AH lied directly to my face, while he was looking me in the eyes, and he did this because he knows how sensitive I am to it?
Oh, and he told me, with tears starting to well up in his eyes, that he did not even feel like drinking while I was gone. And that when I'm around, he drinks because he wants to "escape" me.
I know I'm not crazy. I know what I know. But for a split second, when he had tears, I felt sorry for him, and thought "wow, maybe I do make him drink". But it only last for a second, and then I told him how I feel.
I went to the book store the other day and read a little of a book called Understanding the alcoholics mind. Someone on here recommended that book to me and it helped to clear up a lot of things for myself. You will find that he may be upset over what he is doing but he is going to do everything in his power to find an excuse to drink.
Hang in there girl......you will be alright!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by SHIVAYA
Oh, and he told me, with tears starting to well up in his eyes, that he did not even feel like drinking while I was gone. And that when I'm around, he drinks because he wants to "escape" me.
This is not just simple alcoholic manipulation, this is emotional abuse. So is the seven page list of your faults. You are being abused. Now, if he gets total control over the money, I believe you will be financially abused, too. I cannot tell you what to do, but it appears the only way you can protect yourself and your children from his insanity is to take legal action. Either through divorce or legal separation. At least in court, you have equal rights. You don't seem to have any as it stands.
Oh, and about the communication, I don't consider it communication unless both parties are honest. Nope, no communication, either. He is just stepping up his abuse and control to a new level.
The above is only my opinion, based on what you have posted.
L
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
You got what you asked for. He's taking control of responsibilities. Yet you want him to do it your way, and not his way.
Be careful what you pray for....you just might get it. Id say its insanity to let a drunk take over financial responsibilities.
Be careful what you pray for....you just might get it. Id say its insanity to let a drunk take over financial responsibilities.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
As it turns out, I think I have more to share.
I want you to know that I think I understand how you are feeling. I wanted very badly for my marriage to work. I had a dream of how wonderful it could be--if only he would see the light and work with me. I tried so many things to make it work. I thought if only I could just do or say the right combination of things, "we" could finally work it out. I practically turned myself inside out "working on my marriage." In the process, I abandoned myself. I relinquished my power. He took full advantage. Before I knew what happened, he was in total charge of my life and my future. I thought I was only doing what needed to be done. Someone had to, right?
Nothing got better until I took back my power. I told him I would not live like that anymore. I told him, and showed him, that I would rather make it alone than live by his rules. I'm so thankful I finally found the courage, yet so regretful that it took me so many years.
L
I want you to know that I think I understand how you are feeling. I wanted very badly for my marriage to work. I had a dream of how wonderful it could be--if only he would see the light and work with me. I tried so many things to make it work. I thought if only I could just do or say the right combination of things, "we" could finally work it out. I practically turned myself inside out "working on my marriage." In the process, I abandoned myself. I relinquished my power. He took full advantage. Before I knew what happened, he was in total charge of my life and my future. I thought I was only doing what needed to be done. Someone had to, right?
Nothing got better until I took back my power. I told him I would not live like that anymore. I told him, and showed him, that I would rather make it alone than live by his rules. I'm so thankful I finally found the courage, yet so regretful that it took me so many years.
L
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
Shivaya
Lateeda is right. YOu are being manipulated like crazy. You know that you are a good person and don't deserve to be treated like this. Stand up and let him know that this is going on any longer. Get angry....but don't shout at him. Just do the things that you need to do to move on.
I just talked with one of my best friends. Her husband answered the phone. We talked for a little while and he told me of all the things that he did today. He did some work on their home(very handy), they made some dinner together and now they are watching tv before they go to bed. I asked him just out of curiousity when was the last time he drank(he knows of my situation) and he said that he had a few beers a few weeks ago. That is normal and ok by my standards. He could have said oh it is sunday and drank all day b/c it was his day off. Instead he was working hard on his day off. My xabf would always use his days off to drink -not improve the house or his life in any way. What I am trying to say here is that my best friend has never had to go through the crap that neither one of us has endured or any of us on this site has endured.
My best friends life is normal.....what your husband is doing is not. I may not be perfect and neither are you.....we are human....but we need to stop letting this happen to us. Stand up for yourself and make him see that what he is doing is wrong and that you won't allow it anymore.
Alcoholic or not he is still being a crappy husband right now.
I think that I am to a point right now where I am just not that sad over the abf. I have my moments still of course but for the most part I am glad that i have not had to really deal with worrying about his drinking for at least 1.5 weeks. He still lives with me as you know and of course is staying out all night with his buddy but I don't let it bother me anymore....I use it as a tool to remind myself the reason that I need to leave him.
I know deep down you want it to work.....you have devoted a lot of your life to him but you can either end it now and live a more peaceful life or you can continue this crazy life for however long you desire. The choice is yours.
Hang in there girl.....remember life is to short to be dealing with all of this.
Lateeda is right. YOu are being manipulated like crazy. You know that you are a good person and don't deserve to be treated like this. Stand up and let him know that this is going on any longer. Get angry....but don't shout at him. Just do the things that you need to do to move on.
I just talked with one of my best friends. Her husband answered the phone. We talked for a little while and he told me of all the things that he did today. He did some work on their home(very handy), they made some dinner together and now they are watching tv before they go to bed. I asked him just out of curiousity when was the last time he drank(he knows of my situation) and he said that he had a few beers a few weeks ago. That is normal and ok by my standards. He could have said oh it is sunday and drank all day b/c it was his day off. Instead he was working hard on his day off. My xabf would always use his days off to drink -not improve the house or his life in any way. What I am trying to say here is that my best friend has never had to go through the crap that neither one of us has endured or any of us on this site has endured.
My best friends life is normal.....what your husband is doing is not. I may not be perfect and neither are you.....we are human....but we need to stop letting this happen to us. Stand up for yourself and make him see that what he is doing is wrong and that you won't allow it anymore.
Alcoholic or not he is still being a crappy husband right now.
I think that I am to a point right now where I am just not that sad over the abf. I have my moments still of course but for the most part I am glad that i have not had to really deal with worrying about his drinking for at least 1.5 weeks. He still lives with me as you know and of course is staying out all night with his buddy but I don't let it bother me anymore....I use it as a tool to remind myself the reason that I need to leave him.
I know deep down you want it to work.....you have devoted a lot of your life to him but you can either end it now and live a more peaceful life or you can continue this crazy life for however long you desire. The choice is yours.
Hang in there girl.....remember life is to short to be dealing with all of this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by hadenoughnow
IME when the AH wanted to "take something over" like the finances or insurance it was because he wanted to conceal his activities and or use it as a form of control. DO NOT give him control of your finances unless you want to become an indentured servant (working to pay his bills while he squanders his pay on his "lifestyle"). I speak from experience.
PRECISELY CORRECT
IMO it is better to have separate accounts. Let him "p*i*s*s* away/literally" his own money. Don't make deposits of your money into his account.
My AW and I had a joint account. She drained the funds like there was no tomorrow. Debit card purchases at bars, liquor stors, more bars, multiple recurrent overdraft charges.
It sounds as if you have been a lovely "enabler" for many years.
The hurtful words is the alcohol talking so don't take it personally.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by SHIVAYA
BUT, I don't think it's right for him to have an acct. that I have no access to? What are my rights here?
BTW My opening a separate account was one of my first steps to leaving my AH.
Originally Posted by SHIVAYA
Speaking of trust, I was going through his pile of receipts from while I was gone, and found one for patron tequilla. He did not know that I saw it. So I asked him, did you drink any tequilla while was gone? No. Did you bring any into our home? No. Are you sure you did not drink any tequilla? Well, I did go out with the guys and I had a shot. Are you sure you did not drink any in the house? I'm sure I did not. Okay, then, does this receipt for tequilla belong to you? Uh, no, I don't know what you're talking about.
Originally Posted by SHIVAYA
So....my AH lied directly to my face, while he was looking me in the eyes, and he did this because he knows how sensitive I am to it? WHAT? How can I trust someone with our finances who lies to my face about a bottle of alcohol? I asked him this and he says "don't worry". ??????????
What I see is manipulation and control from both sides. You can't stop his actions. You can stop yours. Is this how you want to live you life? What you want you children to learn is normal adult behavior?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
This was my experience.......hugs to you hunny.
A couple of weeks maybe a month before my husband left the kids and I for his AOW...he opened up an account just in his name. We have NEVER in all 22 years had seperate accts before. I too for many years wanted him to take over the finances since he was always complaining why we never had any extra spending money.....so I wanted him to try his hand at it so he would see that it really takes both of our incomes to run our world here at home.....and he refused to do this every time I approached the subject. Anyway getting back on topic....the real reason he got that seperate acct was so that he could leave.....just leave. He knew for a very long time months perhaps that he was going to leave us but wasn't sure when....and this acct was one of his preparations that he felt he was going to need I guess. When I told him that the acct that he opened was very wrong to do so and I demanded that it be closed or my name added to it immediately he said "fine" and told me what the pin number was on the acct and said just keep it.....I don't want it anymore. He never had any intentions of taking over the bills at all he was just pretending......passing his time. He was playing me bigtime. Well a few weeks later after he left and moved in with the other woman I started noticing the bank statements came here because he never put in a change of address.....and in the beginning he would put his whole check in it but within a week it was drained to nothing but penies.....and it is still this way today. Pennies in it...
He may be blowing hot air and maybe he's not. Be on your guard and stand strong and be prepared for ANYTHING. Just because they are alcoholics it doesn't mean that they are drunk 24/7. They are sometimes safer when they are drunk than sober....which we all know they aren't really sober just not trashed. Hunny just be smarter than theat can of beer and keep your money seperate. Start moving some assets if you need to until you feel confident that things are okay. And that time may never be again.....only time can tell you that. My ex never touched our acct he knew that it took every penny the two of us made to run the show here and yet he didn't give a rats a$$ when he left and told us to our faces that he was starving us out and he would see to it that we were out on the streets. That statement still haunts my thoughts today .... but alas .... the big guy up in the sky said: "I don't think so bud...." it was still a hurtful thing to say just like what your husband said to you...they say some pretty cold things ...do they mean it??? Who knows. Just take care okay....
A couple of weeks maybe a month before my husband left the kids and I for his AOW...he opened up an account just in his name. We have NEVER in all 22 years had seperate accts before. I too for many years wanted him to take over the finances since he was always complaining why we never had any extra spending money.....so I wanted him to try his hand at it so he would see that it really takes both of our incomes to run our world here at home.....and he refused to do this every time I approached the subject. Anyway getting back on topic....the real reason he got that seperate acct was so that he could leave.....just leave. He knew for a very long time months perhaps that he was going to leave us but wasn't sure when....and this acct was one of his preparations that he felt he was going to need I guess. When I told him that the acct that he opened was very wrong to do so and I demanded that it be closed or my name added to it immediately he said "fine" and told me what the pin number was on the acct and said just keep it.....I don't want it anymore. He never had any intentions of taking over the bills at all he was just pretending......passing his time. He was playing me bigtime. Well a few weeks later after he left and moved in with the other woman I started noticing the bank statements came here because he never put in a change of address.....and in the beginning he would put his whole check in it but within a week it was drained to nothing but penies.....and it is still this way today. Pennies in it...
He may be blowing hot air and maybe he's not. Be on your guard and stand strong and be prepared for ANYTHING. Just because they are alcoholics it doesn't mean that they are drunk 24/7. They are sometimes safer when they are drunk than sober....which we all know they aren't really sober just not trashed. Hunny just be smarter than theat can of beer and keep your money seperate. Start moving some assets if you need to until you feel confident that things are okay. And that time may never be again.....only time can tell you that. My ex never touched our acct he knew that it took every penny the two of us made to run the show here and yet he didn't give a rats a$$ when he left and told us to our faces that he was starving us out and he would see to it that we were out on the streets. That statement still haunts my thoughts today .... but alas .... the big guy up in the sky said: "I don't think so bud...." it was still a hurtful thing to say just like what your husband said to you...they say some pretty cold things ...do they mean it??? Who knows. Just take care okay....
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Shivaya, I agree with you, your post said red flag to me.
I have had plenty of experiences with financial rubbish with my xabf. When we first moved in together we opened a joint account, all the bills were to come from this. He kept his private one. I asked for him to set up a transfer so his wages came into the joint acc. For nearly ywo years I waited. There was always one problem or another. I asked for him to pay me 50% of the bill money, each month he would be under. He would waste all his income on his beers, I would be left paying all the bills set up in the joint account. I would never have access to his cash. He would often dip into our joint account and take out my wage.
I would strongly recommend you don't give up control of the bills! He will not care whether or not they are paid. You may not be the best at managing your finances, but you can learn, seek advice etc. there are people out there who will help you manage your account. If you hand him the reins, I can see him treating you like I have been treated. By law, if the bills aren't paid because he missed them, YOU will still be liable! Don't allow the possibility of your credit being damaged by him. I have court judgements, and debt payment arrangements now because I allowed my xabf to constantly miss payments when I should've took a stand.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx
I have had plenty of experiences with financial rubbish with my xabf. When we first moved in together we opened a joint account, all the bills were to come from this. He kept his private one. I asked for him to set up a transfer so his wages came into the joint acc. For nearly ywo years I waited. There was always one problem or another. I asked for him to pay me 50% of the bill money, each month he would be under. He would waste all his income on his beers, I would be left paying all the bills set up in the joint account. I would never have access to his cash. He would often dip into our joint account and take out my wage.
I would strongly recommend you don't give up control of the bills! He will not care whether or not they are paid. You may not be the best at managing your finances, but you can learn, seek advice etc. there are people out there who will help you manage your account. If you hand him the reins, I can see him treating you like I have been treated. By law, if the bills aren't paid because he missed them, YOU will still be liable! Don't allow the possibility of your credit being damaged by him. I have court judgements, and debt payment arrangements now because I allowed my xabf to constantly miss payments when I should've took a stand.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Sunny, AZ
Posts: 60
Before I fully realized or would aknowlege to myself the extent of my husband's addiction, we had seperated for awhile. Mostly I was mad because he left me hung out to dry and refused to work, while I was working full time and going to school. It made me crazy to be enabling the slug, and I thought it would motivate him if I cut him off from the funds, so to speak. It kind of worked, because he moved back home and he go a job, but then I realized the other side. Once he did start working, and talked about how great it was to have our finances seperated because he was able to take responsibility for his own life (haha), he was then able to spend his money on drugs/alcohol without his wife meddling. And the plan was for him to pay the bills or give me money for half, which of course didn't happen, and is still not happening.
So, be very careful. I don't think your husband has the responsibility to take on much of anything, since he can't even be kind or respectful to the mother of his children.
So, be very careful. I don't think your husband has the responsibility to take on much of anything, since he can't even be kind or respectful to the mother of his children.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(((Shiv))) I am sorry you are going through this. How textbook are these alcoholics? Money issues? Mine never got involved, and now that we are separated he gets calls about late payments of his bills, his rent, etc. I ignore them. He's now up in arms about how much he hates his apt. He wants me to hurry up with the paperwork on our divorce so he can get a better place- I wonder how that will happen? We are a sinking ship financially.
Yes, I have been blamed for his drinking. It's all BS. He's an adult- no one makes him do what he does. Your husband is verbally abusing you. I get the same kind of abuse- it hurts as much as physical abuse. . . and is just as bad for your children to witness.
I hope you will begin to take steps to help yourself and your children. Believe me- it's HARD. No one wants to believe this person we've loved for so long would treat us so poorly, talk to us so abusively, but it's progressive until you are adapting and accommodating and wondering why and how you got where you are. All you can do is take care of yourself. I hope you will.
Yes, I have been blamed for his drinking. It's all BS. He's an adult- no one makes him do what he does. Your husband is verbally abusing you. I get the same kind of abuse- it hurts as much as physical abuse. . . and is just as bad for your children to witness.
I hope you will begin to take steps to help yourself and your children. Believe me- it's HARD. No one wants to believe this person we've loved for so long would treat us so poorly, talk to us so abusively, but it's progressive until you are adapting and accommodating and wondering why and how you got where you are. All you can do is take care of yourself. I hope you will.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Originally Posted by SHIVAYA
The story continues.
I don't like this.
it is so tiring....
I suggest you work on gaining more skills in bill paying and get your own financial indepenndence immediately.
Save yourself.
End of story.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
