AskingWhy

Without going into explicit details, I have a strong gut feeling that I am being used and set up by AW for the next couple/three months until she gets some issues worked out and then her plan is to basically go off on me and get me to leave her.

I don't have any real proof this is the case...I've not seen or heard any real correspondence or conversations to make me believe this...it's just a gut feeling I have when observing the current status and situation of the marriage and AW.

We have started marriage counseling and she has cut back, but not stopped drinking. We've not had any real fights since starting counseling, but we've also not really gotten into the "meat" of our problems yet in counseling and alcohol has yet to even be brought up, although it will be very soon.

Already she bad mouth's me to everyone she knows. There are very few good things she says about me and she is always making little "comments" to her friends that I think are intended as jabs at me. I used to get angry, but now I've learned to let them bounce off of me.

I just don't know whether to trust my gut instincts or not, without any firm hard facts to back it up. I know A's are cunning and that they can be very smart and sly about making plans....and then carrying them out. I just can't figure out if this whole thing is just an "act" on my part to keep up appearances through a difficult situation in her own life or if she is genuine about things.

Kindeyes

You are right. Alcoholics can be very cunning but they also make no sense so trying to figure them out is almost impossible.

Perhaps you can consider concentrating on what is good for you. Using the energy that you would expend on trying to figure her out.....on listening to your heart. It's funny. Once I shut out the noise that my A son is making and concentrate on the situation at that moment, I tend to handle things in a very calm manner. As soon as I get caught up in his noise, I lose it. I find myself concentrating on how I can fix him instead of how I can fix me. Once I figured this out I found that it felt a lot better to concentrate on how I was reacting rather than how he was acting.

Good luck and gentle hugs.

hadenoughnow

Trust your gut, if you think she is up to something she probably is.

parentrecovers

alcoholics love to create chaos. trust your gut. hugs, k

prodigal

Amen, anvil. Why are you wasting your lifetime on Planet Earth putting up with this baloney??? To heck with this garbage! It's a trite old phrase, but here goes: "How can you tell an A is lying? Their mouth is moving and sound is coming out."

Allow yourself - and I do mean ALLOW yourself - to have the life you deserve. She is NOT ready to seek sobriety. Period.

peaceteach

And remember, there is no such thing as "cutting back" for an alcoholic. It is a VERY progressive disease and will always get worse without complete abstinence. Have you tried reading "Codependent No More"? It is about YOU and how you can help yourself. It really is okay to take care of yourself first in life. Sometimes we forget that when we are so involved with an A.

fluffyflea

Don't spin your wheels trying to figure out her motives, take care of you!


Ngaire

CatsPajamas

AW,

This is a difficult situation for both of you. Counseling can help, regardless of the outcome. If you are able to work thru some issues and remain in the marriage? Great! If not, then at least you know you did most everything YOU could do. I learned it takes 2 people to work on a marriage.

I also know that heaving drinking/drugging isn't always THE issue, although it's a huge part. It's been my experience that the substance abuse was a way to numb out incredible pain. In order to get past it, a person has to work thru it and learn what was causing that emotional pain in the first place. It's a long and arduous process, and I doubt someone who is still active in their "ism" is capable of doing that kind of counseling/improvement.

It's also been my experience that an A will do just about anything to get the focus off of HIM and onto anyone or anything else. My A was a master at deflection - any issue brought up for discussion or argument was quickly diverted and turned around so that it was my fault, or an unreasonable need or expectation on my part.

In my case, I wasn't willing to continue with someone who wasn't willing to work on the issues. I started going to counseling and Al Anon, because I wanted to be happy, healthy and whole regardless of what he did or did not do.

Good luck and big hugs. I know how hard this is.

Cats

AskingWhy

I have read Co-Dependent No More twice....and highlighted it in different colors both times. I've also read several other books, one called "The Purpose Driven Life" which is helpful as well...I've gone thru it three times with different highlighters and have the margins so full of notes that the book is now a mess.

But, it's a lot easier reading these things, than it is to apply all of them, especially all at once. I don't think breaking free of co-dependency can be accomplished cold turkey unless you just walk out the door and leave, and even then I'd dare say that there will likely be co-dependent issues in your future because nothing was solved, it was just brushed under the rug temporarily by walking out.

Change takes time. I'm working towards that. And I appreciate those of you here that give the "I understand where you are/what you are feeling" more than anything else. It helps to know others have been there. And to the one's who say "you can't worry about what she's thinking, take care of yourself" type posts I know you are right too...you've been able to break the barriers and I know that you are sitting on the other side of the fence trying to let people like me know that the sun still rises and that for the most part, the fear of making the break is far worse than what you face afterwards.

I realize all of this...I just feel like I'm caught in some void somewhere and am paralyzed to the point I can't move.

Cindi R

Trust your gut.
I knew that the last time that we did counseling that it wasn't working. I was getting clean & sober and he was still using...
he called it marriage counseling & I called it divorce counseling.
I knew that it was broken beyond repair and that he just wasn't going to put forth the effort to get clean and that's what I needed from him.
We did this test...he was like 30% unhappy and I was 70% unhappy...
she told us that normal was about 50%.
I remember the feeling...it was like waiting for the other shoe to drop. We both knew that it was over, we just kept waiting for that one last thing that would make one of us say "uncle".
It took a year and a half after I got sober.

Marie_A

Ann posted this on Feb. 12. I found it helpful.

Letting Go of Those Not in Recovery

We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.

Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people's pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: we developed an addictive behavior, and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.

Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.

We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn't listen. They couldn't see it; they couldn't believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing, and love. The other side was a better place.

But now, there is a bridge between those on the other side and us. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.

We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.

If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another's time has not yet come.

The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.

Today, I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty. I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and where I'm meant to be.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

CatsPajamas

Thank you Marie. I always love that reading.

Wascally Wabbit

The future is always uncertian with alcoholics.
Your fear is a learned behavior that the alcoholic has taught you.
After what I went through, all I can say is get her name off any of your credit cards until she is sober.
You can wind up like me and have thousands of dollars of debt racked up in one month that you didn't even charge!