Lilyflower

Hi everyone, this is going to be a long one....

So recently my abf has become less focused in his recovery, he has not managed to remain sober, but had considerably cut down on his alcohol intake. He had been prescribed anti depressants and attended some counselling sessions, but it all faded away. To top it all he is still off work on sick leave. A few weeks ago I told him that I wanted him to get back on track with his recovery, I said I knew I couldn't force recovery upon him, but I needed to see he was committed to working on his addiction. I asked him to re start his meds, get back to counselling and attend AA meetings each week. Initially he was defensive and angry with me (his way of showing hurt I guess) but after a few hours he admitted he knew I needed to do this for my sanity and not as a way to be mean to him. So he got himself back on meds, he booked an appointment with a counsellor, began looking for a new job, as he doesn't want to return to his other one ( which I can understand, it is a shameful company and we have had trouble numerous times with his pay being incorrect or late) but no AA meetings, he says the ones near our home are full of drunk people who just mess around and cause noise so that you cannot hear the topic being discussed.

Then after remaining sober for over a week, he has begun to drink again. Yesterday I called home from work to ask him something trivial, but couldn't get an answer. At first I thought that perhaps he is out again at the job centre or walking our dog, but after a few hours of trying I grew suspicious. I went home from work to an empty house, all in darkness. My daughter was dropped off to me, still no bf. There was a missed call from his sister, so I called her and asked if they had met up and gone out together, no, not with her. So finally at around 10o'clock I heard his key in the door. Initially, earlier in the night I thought, ok he's probably gonna pass out in a friends and I won't see him till tomorrow. So I had locked the door and left my key in, thinking, if he does come home at some bizarre hour he can sleep on the door step. At first I ignored the door, but then our dog started barking and he was knocking on the letter box and I didn't want my daughter disturbed so I got up out of bed and let him in. Completely wasted. It amazes me that he can find someone to pay for his drink, but cannot manage to help sort out our finances when were desperate.

Anyway, he was obnoxious, made himself some food and then sat in the same room as me watching TV. I asked him calmly if he would go elsewhere as I wanted to be alone. But alas! No he wouldn't go I should go elsewhere if I felt that way blah blah. Then I smell something burning, he had left the oven on and the grill pan was beginning to burn, he had locked our dog out in the yard too. He was beginning to slump over so I moved the glass and plate out of the way. All the time he is talking nonsense and being rude and nasty to me. He then got up and left slamming the door behind him.

I haven't seen him today. So at the moment my gut is saying, this is enough, I won't go back down this road with him (he hasn't acted this way in quite a while). He obviously is still choosing his drink over his family, and I think I have had it with his drunken nonsense, verbal attacks and lack of effort to this family. I believe I am almost ready to say ''go, it is over''. The trouble is that when I think this thought, I am filled with anxiety. In the past, I have asked him to leave and all the mind games begin stronger than ever. He will not go, I cannot make him homeless, he will stay until he finds somewhere, he won't give me any money anymore, he is taking the dog with him if he does go, he attempts to take money I have away from me etc. I guess I am afraid of what will happen. I know that I can manage without him. I know I can live without this, I am ready to call it quits, but I feel so sick at the stomach at the thought that I keep putting it out of my mind. I still love him but I know this is not enough any more. All my love, all I can give to him and myself is not healing us. He is not accepting responsibility for his disease, job, finances, emotions anything. It has been a year since he admitted his problem to me and said he wanted to stop. It has been 4 1/2years of being in a relationship with him and witnessing his drunken nonsense. I feel like I have given him time to begin to heal himself if he truely wanted it. When I think of all I have acheived in that time, and how little he has, it disappoints me. I knew he had his own time scale to work on, but I feel mine has expired.

I am drifting at the moment, stuck in limbo afraid to move forward.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Barbara52

Sorry its gotten bad again.

As for the anxiety and fear of making steps to change, I find that writing it all down can help getting rid of them. Name the fear, what exactly you fear might happen, what you can do to conteract the negative consequences, how realistic the fear is and so on. For me getting that sort of thing on paper helps take some of the dread away and lets me analyze it more rationally rather than emotionally.

shakarris

I am so sorry that it has gottn back to this.

I do know how you feel cause I am in the same boat = only difference is he wont admit he has a problem - hardly works, no money to pay bills but always $$ for beer - rude nasty and cruel.
Can't wait for my own space

No words just to let you know that I was thinking of you.

keep strong
shakarris

resentful wife

If and when you are truly ready to quit taking care of him, I suggest that you take the dog,your daughter and any money you have to a trusted friend that won't give them up to him. Put all of his stuff at the door and tell him to hit the road. If he has family in the area he has a place to go. Ann Landers always ask's "Are you better off with them or without them?"
You deseerve a better way of life IMO>
Linda:codiepolice

Lilyflower

Well, he just telephoned me at work. Conversation starts with him..
-How are you? How is work today?
-Work is good, I'm not doing so good today
-Why whats wrong?
-I don't want to talk about it right now. I have to think about a few things.
-(His tone of voice changes) Oh alright then, I'll talk to you later
-I don't know if i'll be ready to talk about it then, I don't know how long I need to think.
-What time will you be home?
-I don't know between 7 and 8?
-Alright I'll see you later
-Do I sense you getting frustrated with me?
-No, but if you don't want to talk, I might as well go
-Well it depends on the subject doesn't it? What are you up to?
-Not much, been to the job centre. I'll see you later.

Now I feel sad and fed up. He must know why I am upset today, how ignorant can he be, or has he filled his black out with a happy memory?! I wish he wouldn't contact me at work after he has a bender. It seems like he is testing the water to see how I am reacting to his behaviour, to see if I am angry with him for slipping up. I'm not angry, just feeling defeated and sad.

I'm going to have a cup of tea, great English remedy for getting your nerves together I think.

Lily xxxxxxxxxx

Barbara52

So tell him that. Or don't answer the phone. Or don't stay on the phone. You have alternatives here.

DESIGNER

Lilyflower if you can do it on your own then kick him out. Maybe that would be the best thing for him.....he is not working and not helping you at all but yet he still has a nice home to come to everynight. Make it hard for him. When he has to try making a rent or mortgage payment and pay all the other bills he will need a job and without a job he won't be able to pay it and he may be out on the streets or living in a situation that is not comfortable like living at your house.

I know it is hard but he has got to want this for himself and it looks as though he is staying with you and TRYING to work the program so he does not have to leave you. I understand that addiction is a hard thing to overcome but going out drinking all night and coming home wasted is not trying.

The xabf used to do that all the time. He would promise me all these things and work on himself for a little while and I would be so happy but then he would get selfish and go out drinking or get a bottle and hide his drinking from me in water bottles.

I stayed for a long time.....one b/c I loved him but also b/c I needed his help financially and at the time my job would not have paid for me to live on my own.

Trust me it is one of the hardest things I have ever done but nothing was changing. I was tired of all the broken promises and all the drinking binges b/c we would get into a tiny argument. I mean come on....I was upset to when we would get into these fights but I didn't self destruct for 2 full days straight and call into work and everything else. I continued to go to work and I continued all the other things that I needed to do.

I understand that in a way you feel bad for him...because in your eyes he is still trying and he possibly is doing this so that he won't lose you and he may even want to quit himself and is finding it to powerful but you can either stay in this relationship and you can continue this cycle...where he may never get better or you can kick him to the curb and hope that he finds his way back to you healthy and ready to take on the responsiblity of having a family.

Hang in there.....if you do this and you feel alone....remember that you are not the only one. It is hard....read my threads. As someone said to me on another thread, you are not walking away you are only walking in a different direction. If he cleans up his act and decides to join you on that path then so be it but untill that happens you need to have no contact.

One more thing.... Same as me and Over those yrs I have changed and gotten a better job and have bought some nicer things for our place and he has done nothing. Still at the same old dead end job. He has tried finding better ones and will start those jobs and find that it is too much of an adult job(getting up early and working longer hours) and quit without notice to the employer(irrisponsible in my eyes)

Came home...has food(which cost money which requires a job to make that money) and he has a tv to watch(which if you have cable cost money). Without work you usually don't get these things.

sorry this is so long but I related to your story. Take care.

denny57

I'm sorry things are not going the way you had hoped, Lily. The good news is you're already well along in taking care of you.

The anxiety for me was caused by fear - fear of change. It might help to also think that as filled with anxiety you are over this, the addict is the same with the drinking. No wonder, then, the reaction when I asked AH to simply stop. I could see plainly he was hurting himself, yet I refused to see how I was harming myself. Why did I expect him to act differently when I could not, or would not, do it myself?

Only you can decide if it's time to move on. I spent literally years clinging to the one week intervals of "sobriety" as signs of hope.

I agree - tea is an English tradition I adore for its healing properties. ((()))

p.s. I have a friend who lost her brother to a house fire he started one night in the kitchen. He had come home drunk, went to cook something and fell asleep at the kitchen table. The rest of the family got out, but had no idea he was in the kitchen. They literally stood on the sidewalk and watched as he died, not knowing.

Lilyflower

Thanks everyone for replying so far. You are all such great people.

Barb, I know that i have the options, I guess when he changed his tone on the phone, I thought I heard a bit of hurt in his voice and also that he knew why I was upset and felt bad. I don't want him to hurt. I hate causing distress to people. I know in the past I have back tracked on what I have done or said because I couldn't bear the thought of someone hurt with me. I am just learning to detach from other peoples emotions. I know now they are not my responsibility, I can only take care of what I am saying/doing/feeling. It's still a reaction for me to want to make it alright when I sense pain in another.

Designer, thankyou. I have been reading your posts recently and I know how hard you have been finding things. I admire your resolve. In many ways you are braver than me! I still tend to run from my anxieties! I literally just had a session on this with my therapist! But you are right in what you said. He is being provided a home by me and comforts he may not have without me. I too have improved my job position and income since meeting him, and tried to make our house a home. He is in the process of getting back to work. I asked him about this the other week, he does want to get back to work. He has always enjoyed his job.

Denny, I agree, I fear the change. I know I fear being alone. I have hoped that because he has taken steps forward he will keep in that direction. But I know through my experience recovering from my codependancy that slip ups are common. Sometimes I ask myself, am I asking too much of him too soon? Am I expecting him to just stop, and to suddenly be able to resist the temptation he feels? I am not yet able to do this for myself. I don't wish to hold double standards for myself and him. He is trying, I know this in my heart and in my head. I know I have been able to detach and to a large extent I no longer enable him. I have the ability and the motivation to stay with him while he works his way to recovery.

I am lucky to have an A who has acknowleged their problem and who wants to do some thing about it. I don't want to pressurise him. I want to be able to leave him to work it out for himself. When he came home at 10pm last night after being out since the afternoon, I guess I thought that this could be the slip that just keeps going and he will be back to drinking all day every day again. We moved on from that and I don't wish to go back there. Yet as I type I am thinking, there isn't any evidence that will be what will happen. This is just my fear within my mind. As Barbara said, I need to identify what is a real fear and what I am creating as a fear.

I need time to process all this. I need to decide if I am making a mountain out of a mole hill with unbased fears or if I truely want out. I am happy about one thing though, and that is that I am keeping this in my head until I have thought it through. In the past I have said what I haven't meant and later regreted it. I am glad about that.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx

Barbara52

But you can't take away his pain. Only he can do that. You aren't causing his pain either. His pain is his own, a consequence of his choices. By trying to mitigate that pain, you are taking away the consequences of his actions thereby taking away a possible motivator for him to change himself.

NYC17

I can't be of much help as I'm new here and learning from all of your stories but one thing I can say is that I relate. My situation is slightly different but I still hear the same concerns and fears. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I hope we can all help each other.

DESIGNER

What about him hurting your feelings.....does he really care or does he just sound that way so that you won't kick him out and break up with him.
You seem a lot like me....always not wanting to hurt the other person but we both need to stop doing this. What about us? aren't we important to? Addiction or no addiction he is still hurting you and you need to recognize that. I sound frustrated right now b/c I myself think this way at times....grhhhh.

I got about 8 hrs of sleep last night and I feel so much more clear headed then i did yesterday. I was tired yesterday and had cried myself to sleep the night before so yesterday was just bad. Today though I feel good and I am reading your post and you sound like I did.

Are you hurting when he drinks? Yes.....that is all that matters. We make excuses for the addict but this is not a disease that can not be overcome. They are doing wrong and half the time they know that they are doing wrong...why do you think they hide it at times? I have asked my abf the next day after drinking hard core while I was sleeping...why did you go get that bottle or beer? Did you not think about me and how I would feel if I found you drunk like that? He would say yes you crossed my mind. I asked him didn't you care....he would say yes but I didn't do it to hurt you....maybe that was not his intention but he knows that everytime he does that i end up hurt and crying. The thing is is that he knows that he has a problem....has admitted to it....but won't say alcoholic....he says that he loves me but in my eyes true love is not wanting to hurt the other person. I would NEVER do anything if I thought that he would cry b/c of it.

Just take care of yourself and start thinking with your head instead of your heart. I am still working on doing this myself but it has to be done.
Sorry if I sound frustrated at all through this response....you just sound so much like me and I hate that we both are not putting ourselves first.. I am important also and if I am in a relationship that makes me cry more than smile then I think that it is time to leave.

Lilyflower

You're right I know you are. I just telephoned him to ask if he wanted to meet up at the shops on my way home from work which we have done before. He was all agressive to me saying I didn't wish to speak to him before so now he doesn't wish to speak to me. I am so stupid, I actually convinced myself he was feeling bad about drinking, when my gut instinct was right, he was getting annoyed with me on our first conversation. He has taken my not wanting to discuss my feelings while at work to I don't want to talk to HIM at all. He is so paranoid and defensive with me. Now he is acting like I am being horrible to him and I haven't done anything at all except be hurt.

I need to just be strong and force myself to do this. I have cried more than I've smiled in the last few years, and I am tired. I want better than this. He says he loves me, but I am wondering if he even knows what love is.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

DESIGNER

No I am not braver then you! I have been doing this for 4 yrs also. The xabf basically looked me in the eyes and said that he is going to continue to drink and I know that it will hurt you and this relationship will never work. This was just the other day. If I go back to him like this then I am just a fool and I deserve everything that is coming my way in the future.

The thing about your situation is that he is trying supposedly. Mine did that to. Why do you think that I stayed so long? I have seen him cry uncontrollably b/c he is scared of his disease. He went to rehab...stayed there for 3 weeks(later found out that he did this b/c he was afraid of loosing me) he has tried controlling his drinking....only on the weekends. He has even gone like 3 months with nothing to drink. He has tried but it always fails. It fails b/c he does not want to admit that he needs help doing it. He has tried AA and counseling and it didn't work for him he says. It didn't work for him b/c he was only trying to not drink b/c he did not want to lose me and he was tired of fighting with me over it. AA and therapy will only work if he truly does it for himself.

The past month before we officially called it off was awful. He wanted to drink and I was pissed. We fought nearly everyday. Everyday I reminded him that he has a problem. He is not ready to quit because he said that he knows that he will fail. I have asked him if he thinks that he will ever quit and he has told me one day but that he is just not ready to do it right now. He has tried doing at this time in his life and it never worked so he is throwing in the towel and is not afraid of losing me. Fine...what else can I do?

He is moving in with his two buddies that could care less if he drinks his life away. He will never hear me yelling and screaming and pleading and crying to stop drinking. Wonder why he is getting rid of me......now he can drink in silence and never have to answer to anyone but himself. He can lie to his family and tell them how great he is doing b/c I won't be there to tell them the truth. I don't lie to them and make things peachy if they are not.

What I am saying is that I have been where you are at.....saying stuff to friends and family like...but he is trying and I can't leave him when he is trying. Untill he hits his own bottom nothing will help him. His bottom may be you leaving him or it may not be....we just don't know.

You just need to ask yourself this. Erase four yrs and you are single again...kowing all the problems that he has would he be your first pick as a partner? I know that my xabf would not be. He is cute and sometimes sweet but that is all he has going for him now.

Take care.

LaTeeDa

It's manipulation--plain and simple. Taking the focus off the real problem by creating a new problem. One that has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. See how the binge (the real problem) gets overshadowed by YOU treating HIM horribly (the diversion)?

I believe that manipulation is so much a part of alcoholism they don't even realize they are doing it.

L

Barbara52

That's very true. And we as codependents don't see it as what it is for way too long either. Its takes painful effort to begin to see things as what they really are. But that painful effort is so worth it in the end.

Chrysalis123

Hi Lily, I'm sorry you are struggling. The quote above is what I am good at doing. I spent a lot of time thinking about what my AH said analyzing it to death. I would qualify as obsessing over it. You know what I now realize? That behavior is CRAZY when dealing with an alcoholic. My AH is a master manipulator. He knows I don't want him to hurt and therefore will say anything, including lies, to get what he wants. He uses my own loyalty and tenderness against me (come to think of it I use it against me too!!) I am now just learning to ignore the words and watch the behavior. His BEHAVIOR is my only measuring stick now. I try to let his words fall like water off a duck's back and I don't let the words trick me any more.

Yes, I still feel guilty, but that is my addiction speaking. I am addicted to this behavior of mine, and I can't control it or help myself. Thank goodness for this site and my Alanon friends because each day I am growing and coming back to myself as a strong healthy woman. You will too.

Lilyflower

Right ok, i've just sat on the phone with my mum for nearly 30 minutes talking. I have clarified my mind, done my crying and am feeling resolved. I have given all I can give to this, i have been patient, understanding, I have focused on me and began working my codependency, I have took my medication I have registered with a therapist, I am being referred to a psychotherapist at the hospital, I have addressed my rescuing. enabling, verbal abusiveness, etc etc etc. I am ready to take the final step. I am going home tonight to tell him that the relationship is over and that I cannot do this anymore. No tears, no shouting, nothing. I am going to have a bath, and then go to bed and watch my favourite films. Then tomorrow, I'm getting up and going to mums for breakfast and then we're going shopping. From this day forward I am taking back my life.

Wish me luck and strength. I'll try to get back in the next few days and update you all. Thank you so much for all your help today. It's been hard for me, but I am so grateful for your kindness.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

LaTeeDa

You sooooooo deserve it Lily!

L

Lilyflower

Thank you LTD, I just hope I am still this clear minded when I'm face to face with abf. In a way I'm hoping he'll be mean, it'll make it easier if I can see the ugly side of him.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxx