NYC17

I posted here for the first time the other day. My GF or ex GF, not sure at the moment who has been coming and going from our apt as she pleases and sleeping on the couch is playing the push pull game with me. We got in a bad AIM fight 2 days ago and then she came home. All she kept saying was leave me alone I want my space, etc, etc but then she came home because she's got no where else to go really. Then yesterday I was going out with a friend who was in town and for the first time all day she made contact with me be texting me and telling me where she was and she was going to stay the night at the friends house and to tell our friend hi for her. WHY!!!? I finally had almost a full day wihtout talking to her, which seems to be all she wants and then she texts me and acts like it's what I want. I don't get this behavior. Push, pull and I'm going insane. My heart hurts in many ways. This came out of nowhere.

shakarris

I am sorry you are hurting. Only you can make the decision for you... she plays games because you fall into it.

Make your stand, stick to it and you will feel much better. It will hurt for awhile but living in peace beats the insanity.

be gentle with yourself

shakarris

NYC17

Why does she play such games? Does she hate me? This hasn't happened before with us. I thought she loved me.

best

A sign on a doorway seems to fit here.

Push Pull

If you push and nothing happens...Pull.
If you pull and nothing happens... get out of the way.

For your own piece of mind..you need to set some boundaries.
She has no place to go? Well she found a friend she is staying with tonight yes?

NYC_Chick

I'm sorry you are hurting. My xabf does the same text game as yours. He did it again today. I think the key is not responding. Since you live together to some extent, I would keep it all business.

shakarris

It is not you she does not like - it is herself.

I see it everyday in my STBX - he really hates his life, no joy that I can see. Oh he can smile with best of them, till he gets loaded, then nasty then passes out.

How sad for them to have no one drop of joy in thier hearts to see this beautiful world they are missing out on

thier loss

shakarris

NYC17

best, she is staying at a new found friends house who happens to also be her boss. I can't imagine this is good for her career either but I can't worry about that. I just want an answer because we have a great place together and I am not moving out. She needs to move out but she doens't want to and doens't want me to. She just needs time to focus on her work and it's making her feel better. Meanwhile I'm hear abandoned and scared and she says sorry but I need just a little time.

NYC17

shakarris, it's so scary. She knows how much love I have for her in my heart, why won't she get help with my support?

LaTeeDa

Because it's not about you....................

L

NYC17

I'm really scared. I feel abandoned and cried several times today.

shakarris

NYC.. because she is just not ready... denial is a big thing. How can she get help if she does not think she has a problem.

You need to just do for YOU and I know that is hard. |i am still learning but I will tell you once I made my mind up to start the process, took the first baby step I knew - in my heart I was doing what was right for me.

I used to sit around and be all worried when stbx was out and about - but you know what he was not thinking about me - he was having a merry old time. All I did was make myself nuts - he did not care.

Take a breath, think about it... is this really how you want your life to be. Loving her ... ok .. but it is not about that .. it is about loving you

shakarris

shakarris

You are not alone....:ghug3

shakarris

NYC17

I told her in December I know something had changed. I said something is different about you and I will find out. She said, what you think I'm hiding something. I said yes. And low and behold. I confronted her last week and she didn't deny her drinking issues but rather said, I don't think it's as bad as you think. She knew. But I guess doens't care.

shakarris

Your right she doesn't .. hard truth - took me far too long to realize that point.

All my crying, sleepless nights, can't eat, can't concentrate at work .. for what
Somebody who only cares about his next beer

NYC.. really you need to take a look at this.. is this how you want your life to be. There is so much out there - happy happy life waiting for you to see it...

only you can decide when and if .. but just as others assured me - the ride continues as long as you are on it..
JMHO
shakarris

Kindeyes

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. It's a dreadful disease and it seems to affect everyone around it. You might think about doing some reading to keep yourself occupied. There are several wonderful books on alcoholism and addiction that can help you understand that our own behaviors get very caught up in the crazy-making behaviors of the alcoholic. We become a part of the "dance". It's not that it's our fault--I'm not implying that at all. But we sometimes perpetuate our own pain unknowingly.
gentle hugs

NYC17

yes, that is where I am right now. I can't stick to anything I decide because it's all so painful and I feel like I'm going insane. She told me today that she's just trying to stay sane by removing herself from the emotion or else she won't be able to function. I think that's the first thing she's said that makes sense to me.

hope2bhappy

People... people who need people... are [not] the luckiest people in the world... (as the song goes). We are generally the sickest. We can't seem to make a move to do anything just for ourselves, for our own individual benefit. Every little thing we do revolves around someone else. This was so miserable for me, and a real waste of my life. I regret that it took me so long to figure this out.

NYC17

She left today.

hope2bhappy

I am sorry. I know it's hard for you to see this, but even though it affects you personally, it is not personal. She is sick with her addiction, and this is the way it will be until she is ready to seek help. I hope you won't drop out of our group. You have much to learn about yourself and how this disease has affected your life. Keep coming back.

carolineb

NYC~

I know it is so hard to see/do right now, but......LET HER GO.

Unbeknownst to you right now, she just did you a favor. You didn't have to kick her out.

You will contact her, she will contact you....you will try to reason with her....you will think it's all your fault, if only you did something differently.....you will answer her texts, emails, etc.....

You will do all of it. Until you've had enough. Until you realize that there is NOTHING you can do or say. Until you realize that she has sold her soul to her addiction and you will sell your soul to this relationship if you don't take a step back and see it for what it is.

It is hard. I still struggle. There is a reason alcoholism is....cunning, baffling and powerful. It will *uck them up and you in the process.

Alcoholics don't have relationships.....they take hostages.

Be strong. Keep it in perspective. Live and learn. One day at a time. Don't go down with her. Ultimately, the alcoholic has more respect for the person who says 'enough'. Don't show that in your words....show it in your actions. Detach.