Daisy30

Now that AH is out. I had to figure out what it is I have to see from him inorder to let him come back.

I talked with my therapist about it. I came up with that I needed to see that he was committed to take the steps to get well.
What does that look like?? I thought going to AA. Also that he needed to go get an evaluation done at a treatment center.

So I called him to tell him and he claims that he has done this. That he has gone to AA and that he had a counceling appt. at an outpatient treatment center.

Maybe it is the codie in me....but I thought he should pick a different place to go to the counceling (the place he picked specializes in DUI stuff).
He said that I cannot control where he goes and that he has to be comfortable with the place for it to work.

I guess I understand that. So I asked him if he when his next appt. there was and he said he didn't have one yet. He said he had to figure out what insurance paid for and make sure they were covered.

HE also said that he was coming home tomorrow! He said it was unhealthy for him to not be aroundhis family. That he was not making healthy choices for himself and now he is.
I said well let me know when you have your appt.s set and Then I will decide If I am leaving.

I am a little confused I guess I feel like he is trying to manilpulate the situation? Maybe I am trying to control it too??? I am just not sure.

any thoughts?

On another note...his mother and father called me today and said they wanted to let me know I have thier support and that they will help me however I need it. Just call. I thought that was nice

daisies

I can understand your position. My STBXAH moved out the end of December and then decided to move back in a few weeks ago. He says he wanted to spend more time with the kids. There was nothing I could do about it. Never mind putting the kids through this moving out and then in again and in a few weeks moving out again.

I too am having issues with what I see as acceptable in his treatment. We as codies do that and cannot understand why they dont see it. For instance my STXAH has not drank in 6 months. However, he attends AA about once a month and sees a counselor every other week. Is that enough? Or is he just a dry drunk? Not for me to decide anymore. That is his problem. I cannot do it anymore.

At one point early in his "not drinking" I tried to tell him a certain way of doing something and he replies "Well you and I dont think the same" What a true statement coming from an alcoholic. And thank the Lord above that I dont think the same way as he does.

They are the kings of manipulation. Remember that. Take your time as it is time for you to run your life now. You decide how you want to live.

hadenoughnow

He didn't expect that you would actually take him up on his offer to leave. A's love to change their minds. In my case legal action was the only thing that made him accountable for his actions.

LaTeeDa

I agree with the legal action, if that's what it takes. I also agree that given the chance, he will probably try to manipulate the situation. See, there are no "conditions" you can set that he can't manipulate. You could say 3 AA meetings per week for 6 months, and he could go to them all, but if he doesn't really want to be sober, he won't. If he is like mine was, he will try to push you into telling him what he has to do. Why? So he can go through the motions to appease you and get back to the way things were.

What I ended up doing was telling him I honestly didn't know if we could get back together or not. I said that I needed a separation of at least six months in order to decide what came next. And I reserved the right to extend that period if I still wasn't sure after six months. What he did to improve himself or recover during that time was entirely up to him. I told him I would only listen to his actions, not his words. That's how it worked for me.

L

P.S. You are very brave for doing what you have done and not getting yourself financially in deeper with him. Keep taking one step at a time. He doesn't get to decide what you do.

Daisy30

thanks for the thoughts
I guess you are right hadenough

I will leave if I am not ready for him to come back.
I know there is no way to know if he is working his program. I don't want to force restrictions on it, but I do want some sort of reassurance that he is truely wanting this recovery. I guess the ambiguity of the situation is what is hard for me.
I am also struggling with if he does come back how I can support him with out enabling him....???

LTD and HEN
What kind of legal action? A seperation?

hadenoughnow

My AH refused to separate so I filed for divorce and filed papers to ask for a restraining order hearing. He agreed to move out, it took him six weeks but he did it, he didn't want to face a judge.

I won't lie and say it was easy, I remember hiding the papers in my car and standing in the courthouse shaking while the clerk stamped them. He also tried to refuse service, I had to let the process server in my house and lead them to the room he was in, he would not take the papers and the server had to throw them at him and run out.

I am enjoying every minute of my freedom from him, I earned it.

LaTeeDa

I told him that I would file for divorce if he didn't want to live separately. If he didn't want to agree to my terms, I would enforce through the courts. He ultimately moved out voluntarily because he didn't want me to take that action. It's all about taking back your power. When he understood that I would do whatever I had to do to get my six months, he agreed to my terms. We lived apart for two years without any legal action. But it was always an option.

L