karmakoma

I didn't want to derail another thread, but was curious about something.

Why do you think the support services for partners/family members of drinkers/addicts/whatever are organised according to THEIR dysfunction rather than ours?

Seems ironic to me.

PaperDolls

I'm not sure what you mean?

Live

Seems obvious to me.......the abusers forums are tailored for them and the families forums are tailored to them.
Like AA and Al-Anon.
Maybe check out an alcoholism or abuse forum?

Can't everything be about you, now can it?

karmakoma

As in Al-anon, Nar-anon etc. All related to their DOC, rather than our relationship to them.

Surely a spouse, sibling, parent, child all have different realtionships and effects? More so than whether they are using coke or booze?

PaperDolls

Oh, gotcha karma ........ I think I know where you're coming from but I don't have an answer for ya, sorry.

LaTeeDa

I would guess that it is because most programs/services for family members grew out of programs/services for the addicts/alcoholics. It is only relatively recently (I think in the last 30-40 years) that it has been recognized that others besides the addict are affected by addiction.

L

karmakoma

Correct, LTD, I think. Yet not, in so many ways.

LaTeeDa

In the beginning, I found the following site very helpful.

Empowered Recovery -- Help for Alcoholic Relationships

It is entirely created for the non-alcoholic in an alcoholic relationship, not based on or adapted from any addiction recovery model.

It's not for everyone, but for me, I like as many different and diverse tools in my toolbox as I can find.

L

best

Ok so lets call it...

The Misguided, Codependant, Enablers that suffer alone fellowship.

and before recovery starts, the only thing that is anonymous is the reason why we would be so wired all the time so we can leave off the Anon part of things as well.

Would that work better for you?
Would that bring in more people who are looking for answers of why their life is in such turmoil?

I find Al and Nar Anon do a nice job of letting people know that answers can be found there because the DOC happens to be the focus of both parties.
The actions and behaviors are what we don't like but the DOC still gets the focus.
If he/she would only stop the drinking....
but then we find out that the actions are what is the real issue.
I would drink all day if it wasn't bad for my heath but more so I don't drink because when alcohol is added, I transform into an instant ...

LaTeeDa

I don't want to speak for karma (wow, that would be quite a responsibility!), but I think what she was getting at is maybe it would be helpful to have support groups for spouses of addicts/alcholics, parents of addicts/alcoholics, etc. since maybe those with similar relationships might have more in common than say a child of an alcoholic and a parent of an alcoholic? Correct me if I'm wrong KK.

L

Edit to add: That is one of the things I liked about Empowered Recovery. It is specifically designed for spouses of alcoholics with children in the marriage--exactly the circumstance I was in. To each his own.....

denny57

Well, I'm not going to speak for karma, either LOL! But I read this in a different way.

It is true I got into Al-Anon because I was married to an alcoholic. I also see a therapist twice a month and continue to see my gp every month (though that will go back to twice a year after this next visit).

During the last year, it has started to nag at me that I was still viewing my "recovery" through the prism of alcoholism. It doesn't work for me any longer. My issues are separate from the alcoholism and the alcoholic. While it was being with an alcoholic that led me into my own program of recovery, that was really just the symptom. I see this as something positive for me.

I no longer have the alcoholic in my life, except for waiting on him to sign the divorce papers (2 months and counting LOL). And while I will always be a work in progress, I don't relate my growth to alcoholism. I acknowledge it is different for those who have an ongoing relationship with the addict(s) in their lives.

Ok, I feel I'm speaking in circles, but on a gut level, I think I know what karma's getting at.

DesertEyes

Hey there karma

Depends on _which_ support service you're talking about.

Al-Anon is focused on _my_ dysfunction as a "codie", and my addiction to the addict. So it makes sense that it would be organize around helping me overcome behaviors that center around the addict.

Coda is more oriented towards life _after_ the addict is gone from the scene.

Salvation Army is focused on getting the family back on their financial feet, independent of the addict.

I've been to lots of church sponsored recovery groups that are focused only on the spiritual side of recovery.

If you look around a bit, you can find a program that fits your particular needs.

Mike

denny57

This is what I was trying to say in my post - Al-Anon does not serve this purpose for me any longer, yet I find it still extremely helpful in my growth. I'm not addicted to the addict and my behaviors are not centered around him any longer. It is certainly one of my most valuable tools, but I just am not comfortable with recovery only being seen through another's addiction.

Ah well, my brain hurts LOL.

LaTeeDa

I completely get what you are saying. My life has expanded exponentially in ALL directions since I found recovery. It's not about him anymore. Maybe it never was........

L

DesertEyes

Makes perfect sense to me. When the only life I could see was thru my ex-wife's addiction, a program that addresses that issue was perfect for me. If this is no longer the case for you, then perhaps you might be interested in checking out some other programs. I've never been to CODA, but I know some people that think very highly of it as being more focused on _us_ and less on _them_.

Mike