Is this progress?
 

I am reluctant to bring my little problem to the board but here goes anyway - because I need an outlet. My RAH is not active in any recovery program. Weve been married almost two years. I will say that he can behave like a selfish pr$%k sometimes and can criticize, argue and push to get his way. My tendancy has been to keep the peace and try to accomodate him. I get to feeling so angry and resentful and that I really dont like him (despise is the word). That I wish he would go away and not be in my life! But now I am working on my reocvery thru alanon and am learning to set my boundaries and respond to him differently. But now when I do apply these new ways and am successful at holding my ground I see his ego deflate somewhat, like he realizes I am not going to give in this time, and he may be seeing what he's been doing. And now the problem is I feel SO SORRY for him! Like I want to swoop him up and give him back the control he was so used to having over me! Is that sick or what? I hate the feeling of resentment toward him and I hate feeling sorry for him. Why cant we simply be equals with give and take and mutual respect instead of this constant battle? thanks for listening.

Lately, I've changed the way I react to my ABF also. Surprisingly, he does seem to notice. Not that it has slowed down his drinking or anything but I do know that I feel better when I "detach" from all his ****.

I still love him but I'm learning that some of the way that I reacted in the past is what started our whole bitchfest.

Hang in there.

I can understand where you are, J, I'm married to my RAH four years and I cant say its been easy. I too tend to give way and placate for the sake of peace, and when he says jump I say how high? Recently I've tried changing this - not all the time cos some times I just dont feel strong enough to hold my ground, but when I do I feel good and actually like him again.
Sometimes I have thoughts about how uncomplicated my life would be if he weren't in it - just me and my dog. i wonder if I still love him, I honestly cant tell you. I think I do. I know when he's being pain in the behind, bossy and demanding, I actively dislike him and wish he'd go out. I'm realilizing that even at my age, i know damn all about how relationships work, and certainly when I got married I had no clue being married to an RAH would be a roller coaster of moods, crises, and never knowing what any day can bring. Sometimes I'm just tired of it all and want to be on my own again, but I don't know if those feelings are real or the product of the moment.

How is he a recovering alcoholic if he is not in a recovery program?

I think the term is he is *dry*, not sober. That means he is still active in the diseased thinking, and thus, not emotionally sober. My experience with that is the same as actively drinking and thereby no emotional maturity.

Your desire to rescue it (enabling) is a result of codependency thinking. Doing so will serve to only enable his immaturity. I wanted to rescue my ex husband today from the pain of a nasty court case, when I saw how sad and pained he looked after. I chose not to.

If he doesnt have pain of his actions, he wont have motivation to change.

In my experience with my AH when he was dry and not sober as Ms. Pink said it was worse than when he was in active addiction. I had nothing to justify his behavior without the use of a substance. I had to accept that he was just a sick person period.

Perhaps your changed behavior will eventually set the tone for his.

I should have added that my RAH has been very active in AA since he got sober 13 years ago.

I never saw him in his drinking days. I often wonder if his behaviours are more personality-related than A related, tho he does use the excuse of 'I'm an alcoholic and that's why I act this way'.

He hasn't achieved serenity yet, tho I have seen an improvement recently in his behaviour toward me. He's the type of person that gets angry easily, doesn't have great interperonal skills, tho can charm the birds off the trees when he wants to and is insecure and paranoid. Needless to say he has very low self-esteem but would never consider counselling, as he firmly believes all he needs is AA, tho he hes disillusioned with them for periods too.

Maybe he's just a difficult person - and I didnt see this when we were dating. I need to work hard on boundaries, too.

You say he is not active in any recovery program. That my dear is still MANIPULATION to get his way. That is what alkies/addicts do. Stick to your boundaries.

It's not about control. It is about what is acceptable to you and what is not. Period. End of Story.

Continue with your meetings. Continue to work on you. He will either 'swim or sink.' If he becomes miserable enough he will either go back to drinking or he will find HELP.

What you have right now is someone who is not drinking but still using all his 'old' behaviors to live by. some in AA call that a DRY DRUNK.

Because he doesn't know how yet. He may someday learn how, once he becomes willing to work on him. And he may never learn how.

You have to take care of YOU.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care so very much!

Love and hugs,

This is what I mean when I say "not working a program". For me, it is just another way to say "dry drunk"...thanks for this laurie!

(((jehnifer)))

Good for you going to meetings and changing your behavior. I know the uncomfortable feeling of trying on these new behaviors...they are uncomfortable at times! As long as you hang in there and stick with it...these new and healthy behaviors will become lifelines for you and you will wonder how you ever got along without them. Your serenity will grow and grow.

Good luck!