Why do we always get the bad side of them?
 

Anyone else experience this in your life with the As?

Mine is king of kindness. Very sweet and tolerant. OF EVERYONE BUT ME.

He dated a girl for a year who is clearly not perfect, but he has empathy, love, understanding for her. Even in similar circumstances, he will speak of her with reverance, but me in the same situation? I am a faulted, weak, terrible person.

I know he is almost always trying to break me down so the contrast between how we choose to live does not overwhelm him, so that he does not succomb to seeing what he has done, what he has created and what he has destroyed... But, man... does it SUCK!!

I am so tired of taking the blame. He is so powerful in his assertions.. It can become hard to not believe the reality he is selling. I raised our son from birth to three years ALONE. I did it all the best way possible. I hear from his family and mine how great of a job Ive done as a mother. And now he is here, and he is still actively drinking, and he is so in need of me to be at fault, he will say anything.

Just wondering if anyone else is the eternal bad guy...in a world of bizarro. Like; How can I be being attacked in this way? From THIS person??? How is this fair? How can this person believe this ridiculous line of reasoning?

Just in case this seems too cryptic, here is an example;

-I raise the kid alone,3 years emotionally, financially. He cheats lies, deceives...
-I decide to work on parenting together, WITH him, he moves in..trial basis( Why? another story, for another day)
-He still drinks, often turns verbally mean, wakes up, forgets he did it.
-He occassionally "cant make it home"...the boy wonders where is dad.
-My 3 year old starts to feel sort of distant, does a mommy favoritism thing, to which daddy takes OFFENSE( real mature, i know)
-He starts to become mad about how 3 year old is distant, stops playing with him..etc
-One day, I ask why is it that you stopped playing with the boy?
- He says the boy is acting distant. I say, ask yourself why? Maybe you should reach into his world, as you ARE the Adult...
- He says "I know why he is distant. It is because of how badly you treat me. He has learned to disrespect me from you. You are trying to turn him against me.Or he is just learning to resent me, because you resent me so much."
-I say, " is it maybe because he is adjusting to you? He is testing the waters. You are here, and then for 4 days just ARE NOT? Is he trying to learn who you are? Is he wondering why you cannot move in the mornings. Is he wondering why you played with him everyday for a month and then just STOPPED one day, because he had a fever and preferred mommy?"
- He says, " no, its you."

My life is so messed up. I will explain the reasoning for how I came to be living with him again another day. I just dont seem to ever have the fortitude to even revisit it all right now..

I can't be much help here, only to say I understand. Of course an alcoholic needs someone to blame if they are not in recovery, that is their denial. And my abf is the most charming, sweet person...a lot of his friends think I'm crazy because they can't fathom this nice guy acting the way I say he does, why would I ever kick him out, etc. Well, in my case, his craziness has also become mine, if the truth be told because I am just as sick and addicted as he is.

He is saying that stuff about the boy so that he doesn't have to deal with and face the real truth...his own actions are the cause for this distance between him and the boy.

P.S. How's this for blame? My abf and I were in an argument, 2 years ago. He left the house, drinking of course, he got really drunk (him and his uncle), and he crossed the center line and hit a horse and buggy head on! He served time for that, 4 1/2 months...but here's the kicker....it was my fault, because if we hadn't been fighting, he never would have left and hit the horse!

Seems from all the posting on here - they are mostly all lilke this.

Mine blames me for everything.. although most of his misery has been going on long before we got together.

He drinks more cause of me - of course you do cause I am (was) paying all the bills and you have more money for your entertainment -
He has never had money problems before could always look after himself - that is because you had a huge line of credit that we just paid off and are learning how much money you really don't have plus I pay all the bills and you drink yours away

etc etc

YUP seems standard .. as for your son even at that young age he can feel who is reliable in his little world and who is not. YOU are the one who is always there - Dad is not.. sorry dad everytime I looked for you I found mommy so I might as well stop looking and go straight to her - less hurt that way

shakarris

I got the "bad" side because I accepted it. Who else would take the crap?

Yup DITTO!

When I allowed things in my life such as verbal & physical abuse from my X it was giving him a green light to keep on doing it! Accepted it because at the time I loved him and did not feel I deserved any better!

Guess what?!

I no longer take the blame on things that are not acceptable to me today! Makes my life much happier today! Verbal and physical abuse is not acceptable ever!

I'm sorry that you are going through this ....:hug:

Nobody has to take abuse. Choose not to take it, make a better life for you and your son. take care
Mairx

Just Tuesday I was told that the reason why our marriage could never work is because "I am devious and sneaky"

That's right, his YEARS of lying, cheating, stealing, and abuse had nothing to do with it. It's because of me.

Yup, I'm done accepting the unacceptable.

Quite frankly, I got the crap because I was laid on the floor behind him.

It always amazes me why I even considered for one moment that it was OK for my ex to be on his best behavior for everyone else and not me. If nothing else, that should have shown me that he could control what he was doing and saying and that he was making a different choice with me.

"How is this fair" ?

With all due respect, what if you saw someone standing out in the rain, unwilling to come in, and crying out "How is this fair? I'm so wet!" For as long as you won't help yourself, you will suffer this abuse from him. It appears to be the way he is.

I got the blame because I allowed him to GIVE me the blame. If he thought I would set boundaries and keep them, he would not have behaved the way he did.

I got it because I took it.

I didn't have the self-esteem to stand up and say, "I deserve better than you."

And when I finally did, I finally found out what joy was.

Consider not forcing yourself and you sweet little boy to live with this, and to learn that it's an okay way to live. You do know that's what he's learning, right? You do know the effect this will have on him as he grows older? (stop in to the ACoA forum if you want to see firsthand how kids of active alcoholics turn out; it ain't pretty)

Have some respect for yourself and for your son, and it won't matter one bit what your A has to say about it. There's NO guarantee that a trial basis thing is going to work, that's why it's called a trial; sounds like this one hasn't, not for you anyway?

Hugs to you

Buffalo66
It's very hard to be the mother of an alcoholic. My son is also the A in my life. He is 26 years old. When he was in recovery and going to AA, I saw a glimpse of the man that he could be. Kind, caring, and wonderful.

He is now in relapse and all of the hateful mean behaviors have returned. It breaks my heart. In order to protect my own sanity, I have distanced myself from him. His world is currently in shambles and it hurts me to know that he is hurting but I know that I have to let him feel the pain. When I do talk to him, I make it very clear that I will only talk to him as long as he is reasonable. As soon as he begins to go into the blame game and cursing, the conversation is over. If I'm with him in person, I walk away. If I'm on the phone I tell him that he is being irrational and I'm hanging up...and I do.

The irrational talk is a way to engage you in the disease. Arguing with him makes no sense. It makes us just as crazy as they are. When my son starts quack quack quacking.......I say to myself "You cannot argue with a disease and this is the disease talking." It makes me feel better because I don't feel like I'm walking away from HIM, I'm walking away from his distructive behavior.

I love my son. I'm sure that you do too. I also raised my son alone for the first 3 years of his life. There was a special bond between us. That bond grew into a monster. My always wanting to make sure everything was alright for him. Protecting him from the pain of life. He turned to drugs and alcohol. And we became a storm of disfunctional behaviors.

Good luck. Mothers of A children unite.

gentle hugs

Oh, Kindeyes, I am you. I raised my son pretty much solely for the first 3 years also, at least it felt like it with an AH in the house. Always protecting him, always keeping him safe from pain, and he is also into drinking and drugs, with NO real grasp on what true survival in this world means. Your words are so poignant: a storm of disfunctional behaviors. I hate that I am a member of Mothers of A children. Is it possible for a mother to love her son so much that she destroys his very chances for a successful life? I am sometimes wracked with this thought. I know it is very codie, and that what is past is past, but still.....

It took me a long time, but I did finally realize that he handed me the garbage because I was willing to accept it. That was the first step to me deciding it was truly a dead marriage and that I had to leave to get myself into a better life. It doesn't matter that his family, friends, whoever don't believe how bad it was. It doeswn't matter that some say I kicked him when he was down. I know my truth and that's all that matters.

Buffalo66, I can relate so much to the above. I certainly can't explain, but I sure can relate.

My AH wonders why the kids always want their "mommy". Well, if you are always under the influence when you are around the kids, you may think that just being there is enough, but it's not. You actually have to interact with children, not just yell at them to get in bed.

When my AH is not drinking, he interacts with our children, and they in turn show him more love, affection. My AH has "cut back" on drinking, and has noticed that the kids are actually asking for him, rather than Mom. He thinks that I "told" them to do this. I've tried to show him that it is a direct result of him not being under the influence, and paying more attention to the kids.

He says "well it's not like I'm being mean to the kids". True, he's not being "mean", he's not being "anything" to the kids.

Kids are smart. It's pretty simple. Give them attention, love, affection, and you'll get it in return.

My AH takes "offense" when the kids want mommy instead of him. Who is the adult here? I, on the otherhand, feel great joy when he is not UTI and interacting with the kids, and when they want "daddy" rather than me. I don't get offended, I encourage it.

Why do the A's act like children?

Anyhow, just wanted to let you know that I can relate, and that you are not alone in your situation.

Take care of yourself,

Shivaya

Yea, why do A's act like children even when they aren't drinking?

"You brainwashed these kids against me"
No A**HOLE you did that all by yourself.........

I kept seeing that side over and over until I turned to see a different view.