vrb

I was involved with a recovering Alcoholic , I say was because we just broke up. I've known him as a friend for 10 years. He became sober 3-4 years ago
and he definitely improved in outlook he was brighter, more present.
(he is 56 drank for 37)
We started a relationship about a year ago he seemed open and talked about his feelings and his relationship with alcohol. Its been going on 3 decades.
he decide to leave his marriage for many reasons, mostly to be on a new path of sobriety. he goes to AA meetings several times a week. I feel foolish now because I thought he was dealing well with his recovery and moving on from his past relationships. All was going well till a week ago. He was caring, kind, gentle and looking and planning for the future. Last week he just started acting rude, uncaring, cold and basically stonewalling any attempt to talk. When I very gently raised the issue of what was going on the response was - I need space. I need to make sure my first priority is my road to recovery.
To me it feels like I'm dealing with 2 people. I don't believe I did anything to set him off but he is clearly angry with me. I've been shut out completely
with no road back. So yes I'm sad but also realize I need to move on.

What I'd like to know a little more about from others with experience;

Is this kind of behavior typical of an alcoholic? (someone who I know wasn't drinking - I'm fairly sure of that but hey what do I know?)
I noticed what seemed to me like incomplete truths, never quite answering
a question.
Never really talking about feelings.
trying to look OK, when things were clearly not
Looking fun and happy to others, being well liked by others.

Clearly there is work here for me to sort for myself.I just want to understand a bit more about what makes A tick. I've not come across this before, so naive feels like a really good word for me. But I can grow from this too.

V

NYC_Chick

All of this is typical of alcoholic behavior, at least in my experience. I never knew who I was dealing with. Was it kind and loving boyfriend, or full of anger silent-treatment boyfriend. It sounds to me like he's a dry drunk. Not drinking, but not working a program to get SOBER. There is a huge difference. This is the kind of stuff you will be dealing with forever until he's truly working his program.

One of my family members used to say to me when my break-up happened "You got off cheap." I hated hearing it, but can only imagine how miserable my life would be if I decided to stay on HIS terms.

It'll get better. Keep reading posts and you'll see that your abf is no different than any other A on this board.

I'm sorry you are in pain over this. It's difficult, I know. I hope you can find some peace here. I know I did.

hope2bhappy

Welcome, vrb.

Just as drinking is the most important thing to an active alcoholic, recovery is the most important thing to a recovering alcoholic. Whichever path they are on... whether they are drinking or trying to stay sober, it takes up all their time.

Recovery is a full time job. Perhaps he has hit a rough spot in working his program. I would back off, and let him do what he has to do.

Growing

My mom has been sober for 11yrs...I have witnessed her mood swings...she is also well liked by the community and aa...I have noticed a "false front" that she puts on at times. My mom has periods of moderate depression that only the people she lives with, sees.

I would say my mom goes through periods of being a "dry drunk" especially in her intimacies and friendships...she still has problems with relationships, IMHO. My mom can be wildly reckless with the friends she chooses, IMO. She has even made close friendships with varied substance abusers...which really screwed up her program, she admitted...fairly recently.

So yes...my mom is sober...but is moody and struggles with her program.

denny57

I think those traits could fit a lot of people, not just alcoholics. I've learned to take the alcohol out of the equation.

Kindeyes

This is a confusing disease. I find that the more I read and the more I come here and the more I concentrate on me, the better I feel. It sounds like he has hit a rough spot in his recovery and needs to concentrate and focus. Assuming that he is working his recovery, he may just need a little room for a while.

hugs

Growing

As an acoa, I have learned that I was affected by being raised by alcoholics. So for me to take alcohol out of the equation would not be honest. For me, taking alcohol out of the equation would be "magical thinking".

The only requirement for membership in alanon is that you have been affected by anothers drinking.

Growing

Just a side note: The missing ingredient here is serenity. How do you know if a codependent or an alcoholic is "working a program"? How serene are they? What are the quality of their relationships?

IMHO, we all struggle. We make mistakes on our recovery journey...we have to forgive others and ourselves. But when an alcoholic or a codependent aren't focusing on their program you can almost bet, they are creating havoc in their relationships.

denny57

I don't think it's "magical thinking" to take alcohol out of the equation. I see the alcoholism and accept it. I don't make excuses for MY behavior because of it, though. So if I say well he verbally abused me because he's a drunk, so what? The fact is, I was verbally abused. If I want to accept that because he is a drunk, then ok. But to go looking for behaviors that "fit" an alcoholic, I just don't buy it any longer. Like I said, I've met people with those traits who don't drink a drop.

LaTeeDa

I've learned that I cannot decide what is best for another person. FWIW, I do not have a "program." I have a life and a self and that is what I work on. I don't particularly care whether another person has a "program" or not. I care about their behavior and whether it's acceptable to me or not.

JMHO,

L

Lilyflower

This applys to me too. I know I have issues to work on and I am working those issues, but I have never thought of myself as needing or having a programme. Each day, I do the best I can, I try to bite my tongue and THINK beore I speak or act, and if I have a slip, I try to learn why and do better next time. I have not religiously worked the 12 steps, nor do I attend al-anon, although I believe these are great tools and support networks for alot of people. My ''recovery'' comes from a want to be a happier person than I currently am, and to understand myself deeper. There is less chaos in my life now than before.

Lily xxxxxxx

Growing

I am proud to be a part of the alanon, acoa "program".

I understood the questions vrb was asking. I have had the same questions with my mom. Its like, "My mom is in aa...she professes these principles...she is behaving contrary to those principles...WTF?" LOL

"I have a life and a self and that is what I work on." I have this also...and a program.

This is the friends and family of alcoholics section. So if I take the alcohol out...I get "friends and family of _____"

Come on....we know why we are here.

LaTeeDa

Absolutely. That is what brought me here. I haven't lived with my A for over two years, so what keeps me coming back?

I learned along the way that living with an alcoholic was not my problem. It was a symptom of bigger issues. Issues I continue to work on within myself. These issues are not at all confined to alcohol. In fact, the alcoholism sort of blurred my vision. In other words, I was considering behavior of the alcoholic in a different light than behavior of other people in my life. I accepted things from the A that I would have never accepted from anyone else. I believe that is what Denny meant by saying "take alcohol out of it." It's not the consuming of a substance, it's the behavior.

L

LaTeeDa

I think it's great that it works for you and so many others. I was only pointing out that you really cannot judge someone (as you seemed to) simply because they do not work a "program."

L

Lilyflower

I've learnt that my problems were with me long long before I met my abf. I do not have my issues because of being exposed to an A, but for other reasons. The stress of being in a relationship with an active A magnified my issues so that I could see them clearer, and accelerated my wish to heal me. I found this site because I had a relationship with an A. I return here because I have found a lot of people who share the same issues I do, not because we all have A's in common. That is just me.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Growing

Aren't you judging me?

Lilyflower

Absolutely! I think that without meeting alcoholism a lot of us would still be going through life not realising that we had anything that needed working on. I consider myself lucky to have met my abf, because being with him has helped me identify those areas. I also firmly believe that you are never done learning. Someone who thinks they cannot be taught anything new is narrow minded IMHO. I remember learning about Albert Einstein at university, a genius in many ways with his theories in relativity. However, when the next generation of physicists came along, Mr Einstein refused to acknowledge their discoveries, and was determined that his way was the only way. Now those new theories that that 'next generation' brought along have moved science into a whole other dimension, and we now have a new branch of physics due to their findings. Sad for him that his excellent mind was wasted, and he didn't contribute because of his stubborness! Alas his great works ended with his relativity theories.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Growing

I couldn't agree more.

Lilyflower

I believe Lateeda and Growing are voicing their opinions, they may differ, but that is one of the things I just love about humanity!!!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

LaTeeDa

This was the post I was responding to. It seemed to imply that I cannot have serenity or healthy relationships without a "program." It's absolutely not true. I have both.

I don't judge anyone who does have a program either. Whatever works for you is great! I don't know what's best for anyone--except me.

Peace and hugs,

L