Shivaya

Hi,

I've been out of town this week, have taken my kids to my sisters house for winter break. My AH is at home.

I called him last night so the kids could say goodnight. He told me at the beginning of the conversation that he'd had a very rough day (attended the funeral of a colleague). I was very empathetic to him, genuinely, and listened to what he had to say.

Then I asked him how he was doing being alone at home. He said "well, I've been working late, so I've not had a lot of time to think". And he asked me if I was "bad mouthing" him to my family. I responded with a "you told me you don't love my anymore, so why do you care if I bad mouth you?"

It went downhill from there. I brought up the fact that I will no longer tolerate him being under the influence in our house, and his reply, "Oh, were back to that?." WHAT? We've never left that. Well, I guess we had left it for 2 weeks after he shared some of his 7 page list of the problems he has with me, we've been kind of focused on me and my shortcomings for a bit....

So, yes we are back to that. But here is where I Made a Mistake......He said he did not want to talk about it anymore, the conversation was not going anywhere, and I, like a dummy, WOULD NOT SHUT UP! I knew in the back of my mind this was wrong, but I chose not to stop.

So, I created a mess. I did send him an email apologizing for my behavior, and the fact that I am a work in progress, and I am learning about how I contribute to the situation. It was a sincere apology, and I told him we both are in a confusing/stressful/sad situation, and doing what we can to work towards saving our marriage.

Unfortunately, he does not get that our marriage cannot be saved if he continues to drink......

I think some good advice to myself would be to only communicate by email, or handwritten notes, because when I open my mouth, I've not mastered control over what is productive to say, and what is not.

Man, just when I think I've got it all together, I learn that I don't. Arrgghhh!

Shivaya

LaTeeDa

Pardon my bluntness, but there is no "we" as far as I can tell from everything you've shared so far. You are the only one "working towards saving your marriage" and he knows how badly you want to save it so he is taking full advantage of that. It's entirely up to you how much you want to put in to this relationship while receiving nothing in return, but I have to share that it is the same path I went down, and in the end all I got for my trouble was a huge pile of bitterness, resentment, and anger to work through for all "I had done."

JMHO,

L

Shivaya

LaTeeDa,

Your "bluntness" is always welcomed. That's why I'm here. Sometimes (or most of the time), when I say/type things, I can't see exactly what you saw....that there is no "we" in my story.

You are right. I do have therapy appts. set up for the next 3 weeks, and will continue making appts. in advance. My AH, for 2 weeks now, has been saying he will be setting up a dr. appt. for a physical, and then get a referral to a therapist. He has not done this, yet.

I guess I should not consider that he is "trying" until he actually is seeing a therapist on a regular basis, and of course, is getting help for his disease which he denies he has.

Thanks for your reply.

Shivaya

peaceteach

It's entirely up to you how much you want to put in to this relationship while receiving nothing in return, but I have to share that it is the same path I went down, and in the end all I got for my trouble was a huge pile of bitterness, resentment, and anger to work through for all "I had done."

Shavaya,

LTD is speaking from experience. I will also. You have discovered recovery, you still feel pretty positive about yourself, and you know that alcoholism is a PROGRESSIVE disease. You have a choice to stay on board a sinking-fast decline of both you and your husband at some point in your future if he won't admit his powerlessness and seek recovery, or to walk away from his self-destruction and keep yourself alive and afloat during the inevitable future. One thing is certain--it will progress.

I witnessed my now exh do the rapid decline once before in our marriage, with small children in tow. I bailed too late (thank goodness for Melody Beattie back then, cause I was a mess) but he sobered up for 14 years. We did pretty great, actually, but he decided to start up again, and I again waited longer than I should have (recovered faster too, thank goodness), but decided that I knew where he was headed. I knew it was gonna get ugly, and I could no longer be a witness to his journey--too painful to watch, too painful to bear. I also knew that if I stayed I would hate him. I had hated him so much before when I was younger, it took me two years to feel for him again. I didn't want to hate this man, so I jumped ship earlier than I could have, he has had some serious and dangerous experiences without me, and is currently trying his best to stay with recovery.

You don't have to stay till the bitter end always. Sometimes it's just okay to call the enevitable the enevitable and say "I'm not going to live like this any more. I don't have to. And I'm not going to watch you live like this either."

It's something to think about.

Barbara52

Mouthing words is very easy and means nothing. Actions mean something. Has he taken any action whatsoever toward recovery? It sure doesn't sound like it since he doesn't even admit to being an alcoholic.

With that in mind, you can continue to take actions to help yourself. I like the suggestion I saw elsewhere that you explore staying somewhere else for the next couple of weeks if the current situation is becoming too stressful for you. And remember that these 2 weeks will pass and you will then be able to begin moving on.

Kindeyes

hugs to you. boy, I've made that mistake more times than I can count. Sometimes I catch myself before I do it and sometimes I just don't. The only thing you can do is move on. Don't dwell on that mistake. I started to learn how it felt when I would do that. How I would feel. and it didn't feel good for me. It's funny. when you concentrate on yourself, it's a lot easier not to concentrate on him.

And the bazillion page list of stuff that's wrong with you. That's the defensiveness of the disease. It takes the spotlight off of him. More than likely there's nothing wrong with you that wouldn't be "fixed" if he stopped drinking. It's the disease talking. You're ok!

hugs to you!

DESIGNER

She is right shivaya. I did the same thing for 4 years. We would agree to work on ourselves and basically what it came down to is that I was working on my problems and he was drinking his away. He would slow it down for a while and try to work on things but untill they start working a program and you really see that they are trying it really is not worth it. I am getting out right now and it sucks so bad...you have read my post and I am also working through bitterness, resentment and anger for all I have done. It has taken a tole on my body and my spirit and I am walking away.
It is hard....especially living with him still. There are still times he walks in the door and I want to get down on my knees and pleed with him to just stop all of this and wake up but I have tried everything and he is just blind to it.

Take care of yourself....that is the most important thing. Possibly if you turn your attention only onto yourself and your kids then maybe he will wake up and see that he is not the most important thing here.