denny57

This all will pass, Designer, hang in there. Try to not listen to any quacking. Just because he says it doesn't make it true. Stop listening.

I promise you, I heard the same and it ripped my guts out. I am here to tell you life will get better without the insanity.

((()))

karmakoma

((((Designer))))

Is there any chance at all that you can crash somewhere else for the next few weeks? I lived with my ex for a time after we split up, and we worked from home, and I can remember just how much it felt like wading through treacle. I was lucky (hmmmm) in that my ex did get an apartment after a few weeks, but not before trying to pass the cost on to me as it was my decision to break up. At least it did give me some peace, though.

In answer to the question you posed in the title, I would suggest that perhaps it is like comparing apples and oranges and therefore not the most helpful way of framing the problem. Is it not that you wish that he saw that you were reason to stop drinking? I know that was the bitterest pill I had to swallow. That I wasn't good enough to stop the self-destruction in him. Thing is, I learnt that I am good enough to stop the self-descruction in ME. And nothing about me (or anyone or anything else outside of the alcoholic) could make any difference to whether he drank or not.

Also, I would urge you to strip out the emotion from the question - he doesn't "love" alcohol. For some reason, he thinks he needs it. And that is the reality and reality is the only basis on which I can make decisions in my life. I learned the hard way that I must make those decisions based on actions, not words - whether from me or from another.

Keep posting, D. I have always found that getting stuff out there makes me feel a whole lot better. And don't forget that you have your own recovery to think about - not his.

NYC_Chick

He's probably just puffing himself up. Really! My xabf used to do that. Please don't take what he is saying to heart. I'm not saying you should make excuses for him, but point blank he's being an a**hole because he's hurt and because he didn't get his way. When you think about him saying these things, visulalize him wearing diapers and throwing himself on the floor in a tantrum. When my xabf would pull stuff like this (tell me he hated me and regretted he ever met me) I used to do this and laugh inside a little.

Don't crap on your own strength. This is a momentary set-back. I know you are hurting. I would be too, but IT'S NOT YOU!!!

Is there a coffee place near by that you can go to? A mall? Anything to get you out of the house for a few minutes.

vrb

Designer,

I don't know if this helps but my story is somewhat similar.
I've known my ex-abf for 10 years, we were friends for 10 years and last year started a relationship. he has been drunk 30 years, sober 3 years - that is not drinking.
After almost a year together where we made plans, including maybe having children - he was kind , caring, considerate. Last week he just changed he was cold, uncaring inconsiderate and looked plain angry. he shut me out completely - it hurt like hell and I didn't know what was going on. when I asked him gently he just said - I need some space. I've spoken to him once since and - he just said he was angry but didn't know why. From reading posts on these groups and posting my own story I have learned that it isnt about YOU but it sure as hell feels like it.

In some ways I was fortunate because my ex admitted it was about him, in the end though he still chose to lie about things and I think he has gone back to his ex-wife.
So where does that leave you??
The grief is bad, it hurts a lot because you love these people.
hang in there the grief will pass, my heart goes out to you.
but you will at some point have to think what YOU will do for yourself.

Its only a couple of days since this all happened for me so hearing your story was very close and personal to me. It helped me to hear others stories.
So I am posting mine in the hope that seeing that we are traveling similar paths helps in some small way.

My goal is to move on with my life because I cannot live with someone whom I cannot trust and hurts me.
As much as you want this person to change they have to do the work.
The cold, unkind, deceitful, unloving person is part of the same person who is loving and kind.
As much as you want to focus on the loving part it comes with the other
and all things needs to be taken into consideration.

I know the next 2 weeks will be tough. I agree if you can find alternative housing by all means do it. Because oscillations like - I love you, and care about you forever followed by shutting you out, being mean will follow.
You are on his roller coaster ride.
Make your own ride.

Take care, I will say a compassionate prayer for you tonight

V

DESIGNER

Well he is gone now...hopefully I won't have to see him(he is going to try and stay away) I am going to clean this house up and start packing my things...ugh I hate moving.
Anyway i told him that it is just so hard because I know that in 2 weeks he will be gone. I have accepted for the most part that we will not be together but I told him that I just don't understand him. I asked him about the last time he left(about a yr ago) if he thought that he had fallen out of love with me at that time and he said yes. I said well your saying the exact thing this time but the time in between when you said you loved me did you really mean it. He said yes I really did love you but that he has changed and peoples feelings change.
OK....well I said that I didn't believe that the true person inside really wants to leave but the alcoholic wants to. I said that i know that there is a good hearted beautiful caring person inside and I don't understand the person that is standing in front of me right now. His response was have you ever thought that you were the one that brings this other evil person to the surface? So he directed the blame at me. He says this because of all the time that I would scream and yell at him....when of course he did not do anything wrong...being sarcastic there.
I started to explain that I did all of this because I was hurt because (and he finished my sentance in a sarcastic tone and said)I am an alcoholic. Kind of like been there have heard that before tone.

I admitted that yes I have not always been the most positive and rational person this whole time- but how could I have been? When you go a couple weeks of utter romance and are so happy and then you wake up the next day and all the crap with drinking behind my back happens again....how does he expect me to be freaking positive? GRHHHHH.

What it comes down to is that he does not really know the real me and that bothers me. What I am thinking he is thinking is that finally he can get rid of this crazy emotional girlfriend of his and sometimes I feel like he is the one that is winning. I just wish that I would have been given the fair chance to be able to show him the true loving positive side of me at all times. I mean he does acknowledge that I am a good person but that we are just not good for each other.

I feel as though I am able to love with all my heart and soul and that someone out there who is with me should feel lucky. He just disregards that and only sees the crazy side of me. I guess I can't make him see it differently and I just need to go on with my life and be ok with myself. He just makes me doubt myself and for that I am pissed off.

I don't know.....sorry to everyone that thought I was so strong out there and learning from my threads....guess I am not fully recovered from all this but I will try and keep moving forward and stay on track.

LaTeeDa

Are you seeing a therapist? This statement jumped out at me and is something I discussed with my therapist. What I learned was that I was trying to get validation from someone else in order to feel good about myself. I didn't know how to feel good about myself without external confirmation of it. And if that validation was not forthcoming, I felt like a failure.

Talking through all these things one-on-one with a professional has helped me in ways I never imagined.

L

Barbara52

There is no winning or losing as I see it. What was isn't anymore. Actually what I thought was never existed. Changes happen and we move on. I figure I am not losing at anything as long as I keep moving toward a better and happier life.

FormerDoormat

Change never ends. It's a part of every day life. No two days in my life have ever been the same. I can either learn to embrace change and use it as an opportunity for growth or I can reject it and remain stuck.

DESIGNER

No because the company that I am with does not offer health insurance and the insurance that I have does not cover mental health-which I believe they should b/c that not being mentally stable at times contributes to a lot of other health problems. I think after all that I have been through it would help me.

Yep that is me. I need positive reinforcement to feel good about myself.....at times. For the most part I feel pretty good about who I am but there are times when going through something like this that I do doubt myself.

This forum is my therapy for now. Now that I recieved the promotion that I did and will be making more money I may be able to afford to pay for the therapy sessions. My friend who has went through a divorce with her alcoholic husband is seeing a therapist and says that it is really helping her to recover.

LaTeeDa

I'm sorry to hear about the insurance issue. When you do go looking for a therapist, be sure to mention the insurance situation. Many will offer a sliding scale rate based on what you can afford to pay.

L

denny57

Damn straight.

Wascally Wabbit

Alcoholics hate the alcohol and they hate themselves. It's not loving the alcohol more, it's about being addicted to something they can't control.
We, on the other hand, have a lot more control of our lives with out it.

DESIGNER

I guess the major issue that I am dealing with is just learning to be alone again. I mean I know that I sometimes felt alone even with the abf but it wasn't like i felt now. I have not lived by myself since my last semester of college and I remember how it felt at times to come home to no one. I am kind of scared of that. My current living situation is with...or should I say was with my abf and our roommate. I was never ever alone for long...someone always coming through the door....someone to talk with and at times someone to cuddle with when he was being the bf that I love. I know that some people really like being alone....like the abf...but I am totally opposite of that. Yes I do like my alone time at times but it is never for long.

I have sisters and I have friends and a great mom and dad but they also have thier own life and I don't want to be the intruder even though they tell me that I am not and that I won't be.

I will just need to keep myself busy I guess.

I still do have my dog to come home to....just wish that he could talk!!!!!

best

I think my sisters enjoy my visits more then I enjoy them.
When I am in need of a visit to family, my sisters can sense my needs and give the biggest hugs when I enter the door.

I enjoy the visits from my son when he shows up as well.

We can deny others of their joy by not accepting their offers. A visit is a giving to both you and them.

NYC_Chick

Designer, on him winning....

I was sitting in my therapist's office a few weeks ago after I got the final "I can control my drinking and I'll learn to live without you if I have to" letter. I was crying and telling her how upset I was that he seemed to just be able to pick up and move on, no problem! I told her I felt like I am a destroyed car on train tracks and he is the train that just ran over me and gets to keep going without a scratch. She said that I could think of it this way, or think of it this way...

I'm the owner of the car on the tracks that was badly damaged, but I found a good tow company and have been working on the car day and night to put it back on the road, no matter how long it takes. After the car is fixed, I can put the car back on the road and go in any direction I want. Meanwhile, the train (my xabf, and yours too) is stuck on the same track, back and forth with no deviation and no new path to chart. Not only is he stuck on the same exact path, but he's still carrying all that baggage with him as he travels the same path over and over again.

It's kind of a funny way to think about it, but how true is it? We (the cars) are all here trying to understand and better ourselves in any way we can after the crash. The "trains" on the other hand are on the same exact track they have always been on. No place to unload the baggage and no place new to go until they are eventually retired to the train graveyard due to extreme wear and tear.

It doesn't feel like it now, and trust me I still have days where I doubt my worth, but you are in a far better place because you are taking much care in fixing the car. I day dream about the places I will go next and the other cars I will share the road with.

Hang in there! You're doing great!

NYC17

I am the same designer. I hate to be alone. But I have been for a long time before my current and feel as though I will be again after. Is it wrong for me to put the chain on the door? It's raining and I don't know where she is.

LaTeeDa

NYC Chick--I love that. You have a very wise therapist.

L

nowinsituation

Designer -

I am having the same feelings about being alone, and I never expected it! For a long time I fantasized about what it would be like if AH was out of my life. Part of what kept me there was remembering how lost I felt many many years before, when I was single and did not feel complete unless I was in a relationship. I am having those feelings again; and it is scary. I am a very introverted person, and have trouble reaching out to people. In the past I have used alcohol to "loosen up" in social settings; and it has caused me a lot of pain. (Probably how I ended up married to an A!) I have to be very careful not to fall into that trap. It is easy for me to tell you to relax, be yourself, and be open to whatever happens. It is harder for me to tell myself that!!!

DESIGNER

Whats funny about that statement is that when I was single I wanted a relationship so bad b/c I felt incomplete but honestly there has been numerous times over the past 4 yrs that I still felt single...just couldn't date anyone else.

There has been so many mornings waking up for work and driving to work that I have just cried so hard b/c of the actions of the abf. At those moments I truly felt alone. I remember seeing all thes hard working guys going to work or working in construction or driving a business truck at 7:30 in the morning and think to myself of how I wish that I had a hardworking man like that. Even at my office I would see these great guys every morning and dream of the abf being that way. I always did this....almost every morning. I knew that the xabf was at home sleeping off his drinking the night before(didn't work untill the evening). His job pays the bills for sure but there is no job security and there is no future. With his job we would always be living paycheck to paycheck and could not afford children or a nicer place. My job at the time was not the greatest but I was also in the process of working my way up so that in time I could have a better income and job security.

The thing is that he didn't want to live paycheck to paycheck either. He wanted to eventually get married, have a few kids and live in a nice house. This all takes money and he would talk and talk and promise me that he was going to start these careers and never followed through. Frustrating!!! It is not like he looked at me and said that he was content with living like this forever....he has never said that to me!!! The boy always had such high expectations but just could never seem to put down the alcohol long enough to achieve these things.

Oh well. Time to move on. Hopefully someday I will find what I am looking for. The one thing that I do hope is that I find someone similiar to the xabf just without the lack of motivation and the drinking. He is a good guy and when he truly did not drink was really great.... Funny, gentle, compassionate, no temper and very laid back, great with kids. This is why I am sad and this is what I will miss but honestly I won't miss the drinking and the broken promises.

LaTeeDa

As long as you continue to look for someone else to make you complete, you will always be disappointed. The only way to a happy, fulfilled relationship is when two complete, whole people come together. You cannot get what you need from someone else, you can only get it from within.

I posted a quote from "The Road Less Traveled" about this not too long ago. I will go find it.

L