Need Advice During Break up/Seperation
 

My GF and I have been together for 2 years and recently I initiated a break up or some time apart because she wasn't giving me what I needed. She has been starting a new career in production for since October and as recent as December she started acting differently. Going out a lot more with friends, getting drunk. She rarely drank in the two previous years and didn't go out much, mainly due to the fact that she is in a gay relationship and isn't out. But over the past few weeks her drinking started getting bad. She would pass out at strangers houses and not come home or call. It wasn't often but once or twice and it was getting worse. She wasn't coming home and staying with friends but she was not calling me and making me worry. Well, I decided I couldn't handle this anymore and made the break. We live together and she said she thought a break would be good for us but she didn't want a permanant one and that we just needed some time. She seemed happy about this new found freedom. That very night she went out and came home drunk at 6am and never called. I ended up kicking her out to the house because I couldn't take it anymore but she still comes back every morning to shower and it's bothering me. I am concerned about her drinking and it seems that she is very angry and going off the deep end. She's not drinking every night, but enough that she told me all she wants to do when she leaves the house is drink. And she's not rational. Is making very odd decisions. I'm worried she will be harmed as this is dangerous but she keeps throwing it in my face that we broke up. I think her father was an alcoholic. This was just supposed to be a break and now it's turned into a nightmare. Any advice for me?

Hi NYC17,

Welcome to SR. I am new here myself, and don't have any advice, except to read as much as you can here, it's really helped me to better understand what I'm dealing with.

I'm sure that you will receive many replies from folks who have been here much longer than I, and who can give you some good advice.

Good luck to you. Sorry for the situation you are in...

Shivaya

Welcome. I hope you find this place as helpful as I have. There are many sympathetic ears and lots of good information.


If she's still there, you didn't kick her out. First question I have is do you want her in your place or not? If not, then she needs to leave and not be back everyday.



One of the most important things I learned when I came in her is the 3 Cs. I didn't cause it. I can't change it. I can't control it. Only the alcoholic can decide to deal with their alcoholism and change their behavior. What you can do is decide what you want in your life and make any changes necessary to get you where you want to be.

Keep reading and posting. This is a wonderful place.

Thank you. Barbara52, thanks. Unfotunately she is on the lease as well and although she seems adminent about not moving out, when I say I will she says, well isnt' that just like you to jump to these kinds of actions. Referring to breaking up with her. Then she said she didn't ask me to move out and that isn't what she wants. I mean she's making it very difficult for me and this wasn't even supposed to be a break up, but a time out. I never thought this would happen. I wanted to be with her but just not the way the relationship was going. Now, how can I ever trust her again?

You can find out what your options are with the lease. How much time is left on it? Some landlords are open to changes. Perhaps one of you can move out and get a new roommate? Or sublet?

It all depends on what you want. Do you want to continue to have the noise/drama/madness that is alcoholism in your daily life? You do have choices. There are always choices even if some are not quite what we would normally want.

Me and the abf did this a few times....we did this so that we could both work on ourselves and not concentrate on each other. It just does not work when you live with the person.

He loved the breaks for the fact that he could do whatever the hell he wanted to do and not have me yelling at him. He was just buying time. After two " breaks" we are finally breaking up. If he is not wanting to try then I guess I am not either...even though I would love for it to work out between us and have him try but he has basically said that after 4 long years he is not wanting to try. The reason behind all of this is because he knows for us to be together that he can no longer drink.

Don't let them convince you to stay if they can try to control thier drinking. Tried this for sometime and it actually was not to bad but it always go back to the same old thing. Them being drunk and you being hurt.

Take care of yourself.:Val004:

Yes, I'm srue I could get out of the lease, but I don't want that. And the crazy thing is that she rarely drank before this. I think in the two years we were together (prior) to December she got drunk maybe 5 times and would usually order a root beer. I don't even think she's drinking every night now, but she's binge drinking. To the point where there is not in between that last sip and passing out apparently. She said the presures I put on her from not spending enough time with me to her job pressures and not being able to balance the two drove her nuts and she couldn't take it anymore. That I was on her ass constantly.

Whatever her reasons for drinking, her drinking seems to be a problem for you. What do you want for yourself? Do you want to continue living with her and all that is associated with that, good and bad?

Designer, you think that this will always be a pattern? Even though this is the first time I've seen it in the 2 1/2 years we've been together?

Barbara52, I don't know. This is all very new to me. I don't want it to be like this and I told her that. That's why I broke up with her. But I do want her in my life. It seems so sudden.

You keep thinking she will go back to the way she was. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. If she is an alcoholic....there is no going back....only total abstinence or continued alcoholism.

How can I get her help before it gets worse?

You can't. That's the rub. You cannot make another adult do what you want them to do. The only person you can control is you. So, what do you want for your life?

L

I knew you'd say that. Especially because her biggest issue right now is that I cannot control her. And it alwasy struck me as odd that she considered my asking for her to check in with me when she was out late, controlling. Even before any of this happened. I find the decisions she makes adolecent and extreme even when she's not drinking. Is that just addict behavior?

I think maybe the troubles in our relationship and the fact that I was pretty honest with her about saying I don't like the person you're becoming pushed her over the edge. I'm not blaming myself but at that point I had no clue alcohol was ever a problem.

No, you didn't push her into it. Unless you've been standing there pouring alcohol down her throat? Sorry, but you aren't powerful enough to cause her to do anything. None of us are. If we were, well none of us would be here now would we?

Her issues are her issues. Her choice is to deal with her issues by using alcohol. Her choices, not yours.

I feel blindsided by this.

didn't go out much, mainly due to the fact that she is in a gay relationship and isn't out.

Could this also be a factor for both of you? Her lack of honesty with herself and your need for her to be honest? Her lack of honesty might be a reason for the binging and the running away now. But, she is the one who has to make decisions about her life and who she is. You can only take care of yourself.

ARL

I never thought of it that way but you might be right. I'm a very honest person and it's gotten me into trouble with even the most sober of people. Is there ever hope for us to be together? This all seems so doomsday.

It's the ol' 3 c's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Stick around here for support. We're all in a similar position as you are and the supportive words from others here keeps me sane. I hope you find it helpful too.

hugs