ARealLady

NYC...honesty is always the best foundation for a relationship with another person. If both people in the relationship are unable to be honest about their relationship then can the relationship be one of honesty?

Melody Beattie in Beyond Co-dependency (a great read!, BTW) discusses the "availability" of each partner in a new relationship. My focus when I read those parts of the book was why the addict/alcoholic is not "available" but Beattie also goes on to talk about how married/otherwise committed people are similarly not "available" either. She doesn't mention same sex relationships but I would only imagine that one person who is not able to face the world and say I am gay and I choose to be in a same sex relationship is also not available to be in a same sex relationship. I see it as similar to the married person carrying on a secret affair who has to go home to his/her spouse at the end of the evening. Combine that kind of dishonesty with addiction and you'd probably have A LOT to deal with. Ultimately, it comes down to what YOU want to do with YOUR life because you can't control another person's choices.

Hugs!

ARL

DESIGNER

NYC...every situation is different. I just saw what you wrote and i related it to my situation. We did not start taking "breaks" from each other untill we were about 2 years into our relationship.
What it comes down to in the end is this question-are you happy with the person you are with right now....not the one in the past or what they may be in the future. I know that you don't want to believe that your gf has a problem but from what you type it sounds like she does. She may not be a hard core alcoholic right now but alcoholism is progressive and the fact that you have expressed concern about the drinking and she continues knowing that it is ruining your relationship is a huge red flag to me.

I know it is hard.....believe me when I say this but you have to sometimes walk away to make them realize what they are doing. After 4 long years I am just now going through the process of walking away. It sucks but I know that it has to be done because as long as you guys argue about things it just gives her another reason to put the blame of alcoholism on something else other then her ownself.:sorry

NYC17

Thank you all so much for your words of support and advice. I'm working on it day to day. I knew she wasn't coming home last night but she still texted me to tell me where she was and that she would be staying there the night and wanted to say hi. We had a friend in town for the night and i'm sure she was embarassed to come home. Perhaps I'm being naive but I feel like this bout isn't going to last too much longer, but who's to say when the next bout will be and yes, she has a lot of hang ups in her life that have caused problems from day one. I guess that was my fault for entering into a relationship on those terms, but I dearly love her and hope for the best.

LaTeeDa

Why not plan for the worst while continuing to hope for the best? I spent nearly 20 years hoping for the best, but it never happened. I wish I would have had a plan B.

L

NYC17

I do. I just don't want to think about it.

Lilyflower

Hi there NYC17,

Welcome to SR. I know your trying to take alot in right now, but I just wanted to get you thinking over a few things you posted.

It strikes me as odd that you don't think this is controlling. This type of arrangement reminds me of a parent/child one. If she is a responsible adult, why should she ''check in''? Sure, you worry that she is drinking and may get into trouble because of that, but she is an adult and as an adult makes and lives by her own decisions. When you begin to treat a person this way IMHO the only outcome will be resentment, resistance and more extreme behaviour as the person in their own way is stating ''Look at me doing what I'm doing, you cannot stop me, I can do what I want''. So with this parent/child relationship in mind...

Perhaps her ''adolecent'' and ''extreme'' behaviour are a method she uses as a reaction to being treated childish, and not trusted as an adult? I once went to a counsellor who told me about PAC, Parent Adult Child. Basically, a healthy relationship is one where the two sides are Adult/Adult. Like a seesaw, if someone moves to either extreme, the balance tips. In an unhealthy relationship, a person will act as Parent or Child in order to manipulate or control a situation to their advantage (known or subliminally). The reaction from the other party then is the opposite, ie if I take the Adult stance, I force the other party into the Child stance and vice versa. The only way to break this seesaw action is to resist the move and remain in Adult stance. When we do this, it is very difficult for the other party to remain in their extreme, they will either resort to an Adult stance with us, or you will see resistance to your position by the gradual use of irrational. illogical behaviour, in order to force you to their opposite.

I hope that makes sense! This happens all the time with an A. They want it their way, and if we stop enabling, rescuing etc etc, you see the resistance come shining through! I think most here will agree to that!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx

NYC17

I'm finding myself becoming frustrated with the fact that she's using her work as an excuse. She's diving into her work and she needs that. I don't think she's drinking as much right now but it's frustrating to me that she's being so selfish. Are breaks even breaks or are they always break ups? Regardless of alcohol.

NYC17

Well, I'm VERY angry at the moment. That's all I know.

karmakoma

In my experience, I would say that they are almost always break-ups.

Seems to me like you are living in limbo, waiting for her to make a decision. Why not make your own decision about how you want to live your life?

NYC17

Neither of the choices are appealing. That's why I'm not ready to make one right now.

karmakoma

What a shame that you are willing to give someone else so much power over your life.

Not making a decision is a choice in itself. I wish you well and hope that you find some peace soon.

mamamirabelle

I spent years going round in circles trying to understand my AHs behavior but I found out the last few years about the games he was playing to ensure he could keep drinking this was partly due to this site.I dont really like the word co-dependant I dont know why.What I would say is that everyone has a tolerance level for some people they will tolerate next to nothing for others it is near doormat level.I think that I am somewhere in between.But mark my words someday we all reach that level you will know when that happens.One day you will wake up and say enough is enough only you know in your heart when that is

NYC17

I need to read more and understand the dynamics of the disease better. She doens't drink often and even when she does, most time she only has one or two, but when something causes her to drink more, she turns into a different person.

Growing

NYC17...I remember when I was at a place similar to where you are at. It was a delicate situation with alot at stake...angry is o.k. I learned that anger is a change agent. I learned I had to be patient with myself...I found that the answer I was looking for...found me...situations deteriorated to the point where I knew the answer. Change was uncomfortable to me...Anger forced me to think about me and my needs...it isn't good to stay angry...but it is good to feel it...figure out what it is telling us...and move on...when we are ready.

Hang in there with what you are working on!