Questions about detaching
Sister of Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: somewhere USA
Posts: 152
Questions about detaching
Since I'm in the process of detaching from my sister, I have a few questions:
1.) I'm choosing to not have any contact with her right now--not returning calls, not picking up the phone--and I see this as detaching from her issues.
In the future I'd like to talk to her, but I don't know when or how to talk to her without getting on the subject of her alcoholism, which is all she ever wants to talk about--how miserable she is and how "life" has done this to her.
Is it detachment if I just refuse all contact from her until she "sees the light" so to speak and gets herself into treatment?
1.) I'm choosing to not have any contact with her right now--not returning calls, not picking up the phone--and I see this as detaching from her issues.
In the future I'd like to talk to her, but I don't know when or how to talk to her without getting on the subject of her alcoholism, which is all she ever wants to talk about--how miserable she is and how "life" has done this to her.
Is it detachment if I just refuse all contact from her until she "sees the light" so to speak and gets herself into treatment?
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
[QUOTE=really_fed_up;1680267]In the future I'd like to talk to her, but I don't know when or how to talk to her without getting on the subject of her alcoholism, which is all she ever wants to talk about--how miserable she is and how "life" has done this to her. [/qiuote]
This is more of a boundary than detachment. You are setting a behavior you do not want in your life and what the consequence of that behavior will be if it happens. "I do not want to discuss your alcoholism if it is only complaining and if you bring it up, I will end the conversation." A great boundary IMO.
I'm not sure if its detachment but its a healthy limit whatever word you attach to it. As long as the motive behind it is to protect yourself and not an attempt to control her behavior.
This is more of a boundary than detachment. You are setting a behavior you do not want in your life and what the consequence of that behavior will be if it happens. "I do not want to discuss your alcoholism if it is only complaining and if you bring it up, I will end the conversation." A great boundary IMO.
Originally Posted by really_fed_up 
Is it detachment if I just refuse all contact from her until she "sees the light" so to speak and gets herself into treatment?
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Often we have to completely detach, with no contact at all, when our loved one's addiction is too painful for us. Much has been written about "Detach with Love"
Sometimes we start with anger, no contact or whatever form it takes for our own good.
It most often is of no consequence to the addict as far as getting them to seek recovery. We detach for us as a way to stop being hurt by their using and to stop being obsessive about getting them sober. We detach because it can be too painful to witness self-destruction.
We detach to have boundaries that allow us to get through ea. day without the drama.
It doesn't mean we care about them any less, it just means we can no longer tolerate a front row seat to the madness of addiction.
It is obvious you love and care about your sister.
Sometimes we start with anger, no contact or whatever form it takes for our own good.
It most often is of no consequence to the addict as far as getting them to seek recovery. We detach for us as a way to stop being hurt by their using and to stop being obsessive about getting them sober. We detach because it can be too painful to witness self-destruction.
We detach to have boundaries that allow us to get through ea. day without the drama.
It doesn't mean we care about them any less, it just means we can no longer tolerate a front row seat to the madness of addiction.
It is obvious you love and care about your sister.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Originally Posted by Spiritual Seeker
It doesn't mean we care about them any less, it just means we can no longer tolerate a front row seat to the madness of addiction.
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