TDinATL

I received an email from my AW today stating her total feelings on our marriage. It seems that everything is my fault...

She mentioned several times how she knew she was a good person and that I had done/said this and that and continually abused her. In reading the letter it seemed much more like she was trying to convince herself than convincing me or standing up for herself. She said that having a couple drinks didn't make her an alcoholic and me not drinking didn't make me better than her - I never said it did.

She finished by saying she would not take my abuse any longer and commented how I put on a show around everyone else and I'm a monster at home.

Yesterday she sent a letter to our friends saying how much she loved me and that we were both to blame in all of this, even said that 2 weeks ago she would have said she had the best marriage in the world - her letter to me was a 180 from that!

She has mentioned, and continues to mention, how I haven't forgiven her for things in the past - but she always brings up everything I've said and done wrong in the last 10 years. Trust me, you can lump 10 years of mistakes into one paragraph and anyone would look like a thug.

I didn't even respond to her (good for me! I'm starting to be able to not react to these things!) and just went on about my day. I've thought about the letter some and am truly concerned for my wife as a person. She seems to have a multitude of hurt, anger, confusion, etc. in her and she's directing it at the rest of the world. She can blame all she wants to but you can see the pain in what she says.

I wish there was more I could do for her but know that I can't. I'm starting to move towards taking care of me more and it's easier to do that every day.

Growing

This is a classic smoke screen tactic. Don't believe a word of it. She will say anything to not have to deal with the fact that she is an alcoholic. She will say anything...rather than admit that FACT.

If you added up the wrongs of almost any couple in the world, in the last years...and put those wrongs in one paragraph...anyone would look like a monster.

This crap would be useful if she were SOBER...then you and her could go to counseling.

One problem though....she is a alcoholic in denial!

I learned two mental images here at SR that I will share with you. Imagine her as a bottle of alcohol...or imagine her as a hospital patient...in hospital gown...who has been drugged...would you believe anything a bottle or a drugged hospital patient said? Would you give any of it any validity?

LaTeeDa

Not responding to her email is a great first step. A good next step would be to stop reading them in the first place.

L

hope2bhappy

You did the right thing by not responding. Her behavior thrives on your responses -- it feeds off of you. Once she has no one to argue with, or blame, she will have no choice but to look in the mirror at herself.

I believe that she is trying to get feed back from you. One day she writes your friends that she loves you. You gave no response. So... she tries something else... she writes to you, directly, in anger and blame mode to see if that will get you back into the game. You still give no response. Silence is golden. It forces her to face her own problems, and it keeps you from constantly being sucked in. She can't make you the scapegoat if you refuse to play the game.

melbar4

Keep up the good work. Don't react. If you feel the urge to email or call her, remember that feeling is like the feeling an alcoholic gets when they want to pick up a drink. You have to take care of your recovery. Don't respond!
Melissa

FormerDoormat

I was just about to suggest the same thing, LTD, but you beat me to the punch.

When my boyfriend was actively drinking every contact from him--whether via phone, e-mail, letter, or in person--was an attempt to hook me, an invitation to rescue him, an opportunity for him to tell me how miserable his life was (and how I was responsible for that), and a manipulation tactic. Eventually I learned there was only one way to protect my sanity and that was to have absolutely no contact with him.

I learned that when it comes to the games that alcoholics play, the ball is in my court. My boyfriend could try and lob all the manipulations at me he wanted to, but once I stepped off the court the game was over.

It seems to me you have two choices here: return her serve and keep the game going, or declare "game over."

laurie6781

LTD beat me to the punch. This is a VERY COMMON alkie tactic, put all the blame on another. You see when I was still out there practicing my affliction, I would blame others for EVERYTHING. That was a convenient way to keep me in DENIAL.

Next step for you is not to even read the emails that are sent to you.

You did good in not replying!!!!

J M H O

Love and hugs,

steve11694

A friend in recovery said "for each finger of blame an A points at others, there are 9 fingers pointed at the A"

really_fed_up

TDinATL,

Hang in there and be strong. My sister has done the same thing to me and our whole family in the past and even now in the present situation. The family is to blame, strangers are to blame, and "life" is to blame for her alcoholism. She drinks because we don't understand her. She drinks because we choose not to pick up the phone when she's drunk. She drinks because she wants to numb herself out from her "insensitive" sister and brother. She drinks because she's angry at how her life has turned out. She drinks because "life" did this to her. It's all smoke and mirrors.

I recognize a lot of your wife in my sister. My sister gets sad and angry at herself, and then angry and put out at us because we are stepping back and letting her be responsible for her consequences. But I do see so much pain in her. She hates herself and doesn't have an ounce of self-esteem. That breaks my heart.

But what it comes down to is that we cannot be the ones to give her the strength to choose to get better. That has to come from within.

I wrote my sister an email yesterday explaining that I love her very much, but I am detaching from her alcoholism, that I can't help her anymore, and that she needs to do this on her own. I asked her to respect my need for space. Her reaction was to call me every hour last night (I did not pick up), crying and saying she needs to "talk to me about this whole f*ed up situation". I unplugged the phone last night and turned off my cell.

So please know that you are not alone and that you are doing the right thing. One thing I'm realizing is that the alcoholic will blame everyone and everything else for her pain until she hits rock bottom and accepts that her actions are the source of her pain. It is so hurtful to hear how much "you are to blame" in their eyes. But it's all part of their denial with this disease. I don't think your wife has reached the point of rock bottom, and neither has my sister. You just have to let go and hope that they want to do it for themselves.

Pajarito

Hi TD- I'm taking some things from your post that are useful for me right now too. You and I are in the same boat- spouse is an alcoholic- kids involved- in my case 1 kid. I had a bad conversation with my AH this past sunday that put me in a funk for a few days- I'm just now feeling stronger again. (one step forward, two steps back sometimes. . .) I decided on my own- and now feel even stronger about it than ever- that it's just best not to engage. Someone in al-anon told me, "don't get in the cage with the bear." What others have said here about not responding, not reading, etc. is such good advice. It's hard, though when you have kids with the person. I am in the process of getting a divorce, but I know that I will have to deal with this man forever on some level- at least for the next 8 years with our daughter. It makes me cringe, but I know I have to figure out a way to communicate with him over things concerning our daughter- so how do I do that??? Getting hooked in has been far too easy for me, but I am getting better at realizing when it's happening. Sometimes I forget everything- like this past sunday. <<<sigh>>> I need to get over it. But I ask- to anyone who can answer- how do we engage with the A when we have to? All business? Ignore cutting comments? State boundaries such as. "I will not be talked to like that. We can talk when you calm down." Blah, blah, blah.

really_fed_up

This is something else my sister has tried many, many times with my family: "well so and so had a drink, too, I don't know why all of YOU are ganging up on me!"

Denial, plain and simple.

TDinATL

Thanks everyone for the great advice.

This is a question I would ask as well. I've started the divorce process and although my AW was very cooperative and wanted the divorce her attitude has changed now. I have to deal with her on some things right now.

I try to apply a filter to everything. Respond, in a polite (professional might be a better word) and to the point manner, to the things that need responses. All the rest I try to act like it wasn't even said.

Barbara52

That sounds about right to me.

Barbara52

If I'm remeber right you have no children, right? If not, an easy way to do all necessary discussion thru your attorney. That's what you are paying them for.

LaTeeDa

When I first separated from my husband I had the same problem. He would call me on the phone with some thing we needed to settle about the kids, then it would quickly change to other topics. I had to have a boundary that I would only talk to him regarding the kids and arrangements, etc. If the conversation went in another direction, I would end it. Usually "I have to go now" was enough, but sometimes I had to actually hang up on him.

It's hard, but once they figure out that you won't put up with it, they usually stop.

((()))

L

Pajarito

Thanks for the responses- I like the idea of a boundary along the lines of only talking business about our daughter.

And TD- I thought you did have kids- maybe I'm confusing you with someone else here.

I <know> what I need to do- I even typed it in my previous response- it's doing it- every time- that's hard. There's a lot of emotional krap involved. 12 years of marriage, two emotional affairs- his- that he blames me for. In fact, TD- your post started out on that topic- blame. Mine is doing the same thing- blaming me for all of his problems. These alcoholics are so textbook. If I let it, it will wear me down. I'm getting stronger, but it is not as quickly as I'd like- and not intuitive. My first response used to be defend, analyze, explain- now I stop and think- not always, but more than I did.

miss communicat

all of the above, as appropriate. Situations and circumstances vary. Its healthy not to develop a fixed policy, but rather to accept that we only need to open asa far as is appropriate in each moment. We engage with the A

1. ONLY when we have to
2 All business, as long as its our business and it concerns us
3 and we Ignore cutting comments. "Ignore" may mean not exposing ourself to verbal abuse or head ****ing in the first place by not reading their emails, not answering their calls, not meeting them for conversations.
4. State boundaries. We dont merely state our boundaries. We LIVE our boundaries.

Pajarito

miss c, thank you. My struggle lies in my feeling hurt. I am hurt that this person whom I've spent the past 17 years of my life with has chosen over and over to lie to me, to hide things, to be deceptive, to drink to excess, to blame me for all of his problems, to engage in 2 emotional affairs- and then to blame me for them. . .

HOWEVER- I am also angry. Angry with myself for allowing myself to stay in a relationship where all of this was going on. Angry with him for the choices he's made.

AND- I am sad. I'm sad for the person I was- who was so insecure (?) that I felt I had to stay with him because it's what we do as co-d or whatever- we nurture, we take too much on, we struggle to fix, to justify, we ignore our gut. I feel sorry for him- his struggle. He is human. I loved him once. Or I should say I was IN love with him. I love him now, but it doesn't feel the same.

Boundaries and detachment are hard when I have all of these feelings running around inside. I need to sort them out. I don't want ager to eat me up. I don't want hurt to get in the way of my recovery- as in engaging him and trying to make him see why what he did was so hurtful- and I don't want sadness to get in the way- to where I am still trying to help him. It's not 2nd nature to make our relationship all about business, but I'm getting there. Heart and mind are getting closer together. Thanks for listening.

TDinATL

Correct. I have a stepson, he's 16, but no children between us.