NeedToGetALife

I got a call from my in-laws this morning telling me that my AH emailed them asking for money. They said they didn't know what to do and would, of course, give us the money if we really needed it but also didn't want to "bail" him out of his problems. I told them I would think it over and call them back.

I know right now our expenses outweigh our income (his two DUIs, two teenagers, college expenses, taxes, etc.) but we do have money in investments, his retirement, etc., that he could take money out of. From a financial standpoint, I know it's not a smart thing to do, but is it really a smart thing for his parents to bail him (us) out? Is he just trying to manipulate his parents? I'm thinking he is (and they do too) but wanted to get the advice of some of you who have more experience than I do.

Thank you for any insight ... it is greatly appreciated.

tryingtofly

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but plenty of good wishes for you.

shakarris

What do you want to do? I know it is hard to pull money from investments etc
nor should you imho... maybe this is the part of consequences.

I know that i always was bailing out my STBX, I told him no more so now |I pay half the bills, instead of all of them cause he drinks his checks away - when i go in april to my own place - then he will really see the extent of his actions.

It is a hard questions, in my opinion only - let him find his own way out. Very nice of his parents to be able to help but...

again just my opinion

shakarris

kermit

Well maybe instead of taking the money directly you can ask them to pay the electric, gas phone ect.. whatever you need help with that is a necessity, this way they are helping and know just exactly how they are helping, if the kids need help then they can help them directly. If they are not sending money to your husband then they know that he is not drinking it away. Just a suggestion.

Barbara52

Do you need the money or is it him trying to get funds to support his habit?

I like kermit's suggestion as a menas of keeping the money out of his hands if he is active in his drinking especially.

NeedToGetALife

Yes, he's still drinking. Not at this moment, but it's only been a couple days. His usual routine is to stay sober for a week or two and then drink non-stop for several days (which he did last week). His parents did suggest that they send me the money instead of him so he doesn't drink/gamble it away.

This really hurts my pride to take money from anyone because up to this point, we've never needed a dime from anyone in 22 years of marriage. One of the FEW things around the house that he is responsible for is paying the bills so I don't want to take that over like I have had to everything else. For some reason he is good at paying the bills ... never late, always paid in full, etc.

I'm really torn about what to do ... if the money comes out of our investments, it's hurting me financially right along with him, but my pride is hurt if his parents give him (us) money, especially since they have almost completely supported his sister for most of her adult life.

I'm really struggling with this detachment thing ... I have definitely detached but not in a healthy way, but I am so angry over his recent DUIs, etc., that I can't even speak to him so we just live in tense silence (thank God we at least work different shifts so we don't see each other at all during the week).

Thanks again for your help. It helps to get a different perspective sometimes ...

Barbara52

If the money is for his expenses for his DUIs and such, well, someone is going to end up paying it. If I were his parents, I wouldn't pay. Unfortunately, you do take a hit if he pays thru cashing in some of your investments to do so but I suspect that is the route I would make him take. At least he is feeling some consequences for his actions. You might want to talk to an attorney about it to protect your interests.

NeedToGetALife

Yes, we need the money but yet we don't. The money would have to come out of investments and retirement accounts ... we don't have the cash on hand to pay his attorney, court costs, etc., plus all the usual expenses. It's definitely not him getting the funds to support his habit because he's a strictly beer-drinker which is fairly inexpensive although he has on occasion gone to a casino and blown money because, of course, you get FREE drinks!

NeedToGetALife

This is what I'm thinking. I know it would hurt his pride (and did) to ask his parents for money, but it would hurt a lot worse to have to take money out of his retirement/investments.

He told them also that some of this money is for him to get an apartment and rides to/from work since he will surely lose his license for quite a long time (probably a year), and I have made it perfectly clear that neither I nor our daughter will drive him back/forth to work (he works nights) so he knows he will have to get an apartment near his work and pay someone to drive him. Something that his parents found interesting was that he never mentioned the money we need for travel expenses associated with OUR daughter's upcoming surgery ... only the money HE needs for all his problems. Wow ... and he wonders why his daughter has no respect for him ...

I think I'm going to tell his parents to hold off on sending him any money, swallow my anger, and sit down with him this weekend to discuss the finances in great detail. There's a good chance he'll either get jail time or court-ordered treatment next month anyway and while I know what our bills are, etc., I'm not the one that actually writes the checks.

Barbara52

I would definitely have that conversation and take control of the normal bill paying. You need to know what is coming in and going out.

NeedToGetALife

Absolutely true ... always has ... which is why I'm preparing myself to get out of this situation ...

Why do we always think things are going to get better??? What a hard head I have! :wtf2

Barbara52

If you are going to become legally spearated, get to an attorney and protect your share of those assets! Put a freeze on them so he can't take it all why you aren't looking.

FindingMe

I would give him a third choice. A loan from the bank in his name only!!(if the bills have been paid regularly this shouldn't be a problem). This covers his behaviors and doesn't interfere with your finances.

MsPINKAcres

((NTGAL))

Sweetie, I hate so much that you life is in such an upside down state right now - from your post it appears that for a while, AH has appeared to be what I have heard others talk about as a "functioning alcoholic" - (which always sounds like Greek to me ha ha cause I've never had one of those lol)

But what I have learned from my own recovery, from attending open AA meetings, reading recovery literature, is that alcoholism/addiction is a disease of progression. That the majority of the time, a once in a while occurance will eventually become a daily habit that will be uncontrolled. That what the family believes their loved one would never do some day becomes an everyday occurance and some things happen that are for beyond their worse nightmare.

I know that is not true in all cases, but it does happen more often than I ever believed possible.

I know that in the here and now you have a decision to make about the money issue, but my suggestion would also to possibly look at a couple of Plan B, C, D, etc. for down the road in case the disease progresses in your household.

I don't know if you attend any Al-Anon meetings, for me they have been a great resources of knowledge, strength, comfort and have given me the ability to find guidance from my God to what is best for me and my household.

Whatever you decide, please remember that everyone, including you, deserves to live Happy, Joyous and Free,
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita