Feeling guilty
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Feeling guilty
Hello, I don't know if anyone remembers me - I haven't posted in awhile and I just posted a couple of times. Background: my husband drank occassionally, but when he did, **** usually hit the fan. On Christmas day, he was arrested for shoving me and breaking our laptop, ripping my jacket etc. There was a no contact order issued between us. I met with the crown attorney and we are now allowed to be together.
DH has been attending AA as well as a program called First Step (for men with anger/abuse issues). He has now been sober for 48 days and is working on step one with his sponsor.
As for the guilty part...well, I don't know who else I can admit this to. Let me preface this by saying that I'm very proud of my husband and the steps that he is taking to make his life and mine better. I know this is going to be a long hard journey for both of us. However, that being said...I hate the fact that his recovery is taking so much of his time.
He has meetings everyday, (which I understand) but he says he finds that he gets a lot out of just talking with the other members before and after. So for his 830 meeting he leaves the house around 730 so he can get coffee and chat with the people. The meeting is an hour, but they often go for coffee afterwards or just chat, so he doesn't get back here until 1030. Then he has the First Step program once a week for three hours.
It's like he comes home, eats supper, leaves, comes home and goes to bed.
99% of me still loves him and supports him and will always be there for him. 1% of me (Especially when I feel left out) is screaming "This isn't what you signed up for! This is beyond for better or for worse! I want a normal life!" That's the guilty part. I feel like such a horrible person for being upset at how much time his recovery is taking (not as in, it's going to take years for him to work through this, but time like hours each night) I think he can tell that it's starting to bug me cause he offered to miss a meeting yesterday to take me to the movies. But I could tell he didn't want to miss a meeting and I didn't want him to.
Does any of this make sense? I started to tell one of my friends about it and halfway through said "Am I an awful person?" and she said yes! Am I really?
Has anyone else felt like this?
DH has been attending AA as well as a program called First Step (for men with anger/abuse issues). He has now been sober for 48 days and is working on step one with his sponsor.
As for the guilty part...well, I don't know who else I can admit this to. Let me preface this by saying that I'm very proud of my husband and the steps that he is taking to make his life and mine better. I know this is going to be a long hard journey for both of us. However, that being said...I hate the fact that his recovery is taking so much of his time.
He has meetings everyday, (which I understand) but he says he finds that he gets a lot out of just talking with the other members before and after. So for his 830 meeting he leaves the house around 730 so he can get coffee and chat with the people. The meeting is an hour, but they often go for coffee afterwards or just chat, so he doesn't get back here until 1030. Then he has the First Step program once a week for three hours.
It's like he comes home, eats supper, leaves, comes home and goes to bed.
99% of me still loves him and supports him and will always be there for him. 1% of me (Especially when I feel left out) is screaming "This isn't what you signed up for! This is beyond for better or for worse! I want a normal life!" That's the guilty part. I feel like such a horrible person for being upset at how much time his recovery is taking (not as in, it's going to take years for him to work through this, but time like hours each night) I think he can tell that it's starting to bug me cause he offered to miss a meeting yesterday to take me to the movies. But I could tell he didn't want to miss a meeting and I didn't want him to.
Does any of this make sense? I started to tell one of my friends about it and halfway through said "Am I an awful person?" and she said yes! Am I really?
Has anyone else felt like this?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
You have just described my RAH. Whatever it takes. Having a sober husband is worth it, isn't it? Mine goes to meetings all the time. Sometimes 4 a day on the weekends. This is what he needs to maintain his sobriety. He loves these meetings and the people he gets to spend time with. If you find things to do that will interest you, then this time without him won't be so bad. You've mentioned all the things he is doing to work his program, but you haven't said what you are doing for yourself. When they are drinking, we spend our time looking at the four walls waiting for them to come home (or whatever). When they are sober, we spend our time looking at the four walls waiting for them to come home. It doesn't have to be like this. Give thanks that you have an AH who is so devoted to his sobriety. This is a good thing. While he is busy living his (new) life, get busy living yours.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
The hard part is I'm currently a full time student, I work part time, and I'm doing my placement. So basically Mon - Thurs I'm in a classroom from 830-12:20, and class from 230- either 530 or 7. Fri- Sun I work 8 hours a day. Not to mention the bill paying, grocery shopping, homework, lesson plans, house cleaning etc that needs to get done. At the end of the day I don't have the desire to get out of the house.
All my friends are coupled off so we used to all go for coffee together. Now that it's just me (in a way) no one wants to get together because I'm either friends with them through my husband, or they're my friends through school (who are about 8 years younger than me and all about going to the bar and getting drunk)
Come March, my puppy classes will be starting up again, but that was just something else that my hubby and I *used* to do together.
When he was drinking, it was when we were out at camp together or out with friends once a month, so I'm not used to this lonely feeling.
All my friends are coupled off so we used to all go for coffee together. Now that it's just me (in a way) no one wants to get together because I'm either friends with them through my husband, or they're my friends through school (who are about 8 years younger than me and all about going to the bar and getting drunk)
Come March, my puppy classes will be starting up again, but that was just something else that my hubby and I *used* to do together.
When he was drinking, it was when we were out at camp together or out with friends once a month, so I'm not used to this lonely feeling.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
I felt this way too. It is okay but I wasn't in recovery yet for myself. I wish I had been because I understand what he was doing more now. I would not have been so hard on him about it.
This is totally normal for a RA to go to all these meetings and spend all this there. It is goood for them
Maybe you could go to an al-anon meeting at the same time? possibly meet friends for dinner? Watch a movie you've been dying to see. Do some reading?
Have you educated yourself about alcoholism? I couldn't believe what I didn't know. It will help you through this time and take away the guilt.
Don't be too hard on yourself you just miss your husband. Just try to think of the end result
This is totally normal for a RA to go to all these meetings and spend all this there. It is goood for them
Maybe you could go to an al-anon meeting at the same time? possibly meet friends for dinner? Watch a movie you've been dying to see. Do some reading?
Have you educated yourself about alcoholism? I couldn't believe what I didn't know. It will help you through this time and take away the guilt.
Don't be too hard on yourself you just miss your husband. Just try to think of the end result
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Sorry we must have posted at the same time. I just read your response.
Maybe try to get in touch with being alone...get cofee by yourself at a bookstore. Take a long bubble bath. Oh and you will make lots of friends at Al-anon
Maybe try to get in touch with being alone...get cofee by yourself at a bookstore. Take a long bubble bath. Oh and you will make lots of friends at Al-anon
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
I think we did
I tried Al-anon, but I don't think I'm ready for it yet. My first meeting left me feeling really awful. I'm thinking of trying individual counselling (once I can make the time)
I have been learning a lot about AA. One of the people at my husband's home group gave him a copy of the Big Book for me, I've been to an open meeting and I've met my husband's sponsor. My husband and I talk about his meetings (like how he felt about it, what reading they did - not other people's stuff)
It means so much to me that someone else felt the same way.
I tried Al-anon, but I don't think I'm ready for it yet. My first meeting left me feeling really awful. I'm thinking of trying individual counselling (once I can make the time)
I have been learning a lot about AA. One of the people at my husband's home group gave him a copy of the Big Book for me, I've been to an open meeting and I've met my husband's sponsor. My husband and I talk about his meetings (like how he felt about it, what reading they did - not other people's stuff)
It means so much to me that someone else felt the same way.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by tryingtofly 
The hard part is I'm currently a full time student, I work part time, and I'm doing my placement. So basically Mon - Thurs I'm in a classroom from 830-12:20, and class from 230- either 530 or 7. Fri- Sun I work 8 hours a day. Not to mention the bill paying, grocery shopping, homework, lesson plans, house cleaning etc that needs to get done.
I know you miss him. You just need to find a way to use this time wisely -- for yourself. Bottom line... I'd rather be alone because my husband is at AA, than be alone because he's passed out.
I can't believe all your friends are couples! Most of mine are divorced.
But this doesn't mean you can't still have good times with them during the absence of your husband. I wouldn't pull out of the crowd because of this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
As pathetic as this sounds, we used to have a show for every night of the week lol so it was relaxing, but together.
I'm not pulling out, but I don't like going out drinking (I never have) and the rest of the friends are my husbands.
I've never been good at focusing on myself - just others - I get it from my parents, who gets it from my mom's parents. My grandparents weren't rich by any means, but they used to have two christmas dinners and would use their doors on sawhorses for tables so they didn't have to turn anyone way. When my mom was on vacation in Mexico, she went to the local county hosiptal and went straight to the top, found an interpreter and asked them what they needed the most. She then came back to Canada and got together tons of packages of supplies for them. My dad has coached almost every sport I've been in. And me...I've been doing youth dances for grades 5-8 for the last six years, am on the board of directors (with hubby) at a community centre and have worked with mentally challenged kids etc.
I know it's important to focus on myself and I keep thinking, maybe I'll take up yoga...or kickboxing...or take an animal first aid class...or pottery...or who knows what, but I never end up doing it.
I'm not pulling out, but I don't like going out drinking (I never have) and the rest of the friends are my husbands.
I've never been good at focusing on myself - just others - I get it from my parents, who gets it from my mom's parents. My grandparents weren't rich by any means, but they used to have two christmas dinners and would use their doors on sawhorses for tables so they didn't have to turn anyone way. When my mom was on vacation in Mexico, she went to the local county hosiptal and went straight to the top, found an interpreter and asked them what they needed the most. She then came back to Canada and got together tons of packages of supplies for them. My dad has coached almost every sport I've been in. And me...I've been doing youth dances for grades 5-8 for the last six years, am on the board of directors (with hubby) at a community centre and have worked with mentally challenged kids etc.
I know it's important to focus on myself and I keep thinking, maybe I'll take up yoga...or kickboxing...or take an animal first aid class...or pottery...or who knows what, but I never end up doing it.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
That is great counceling will be a BLESSING!
It is great that you can talk about his meetings. Going to an Open meeting is wonderful! That is progress!
I know some people prefer to go to AA rather than Al-anon you have to do what is comfortable for you....and Hey posting here is great too! I try to read and post here when I can. I have learned so much from SC!
It is great that you can talk about his meetings. Going to an Open meeting is wonderful! That is progress!
I know some people prefer to go to AA rather than Al-anon you have to do what is comfortable for you....and Hey posting here is great too! I try to read and post here when I can. I have learned so much from SC!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
I really think I 'll be posting more. I got away from it, but I feel so much better having come back to it.
I have one friend that I can sort of talk to, but she just doesn't understand what it's like.
I have one friend that I can sort of talk to, but she just doesn't understand what it's like.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Taking too much time?
Well the fact of the matter is this will be a big part of your life now as long as you are with him.
People in program keep going instead of drinking for years, yes years.
There is no magic pill to fix this, it’s a change of life style really.
If I may suggest some Alanon meetings for yourself.
It’s a great way to learn more about you and you could be going while he is at his meetings.
Well the fact of the matter is this will be a big part of your life now as long as you are with him.
People in program keep going instead of drinking for years, yes years.
There is no magic pill to fix this, it’s a change of life style really.
If I may suggest some Alanon meetings for yourself.
It’s a great way to learn more about you and you could be going while he is at his meetings.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Originally Posted by Mr. Christian
Taking too much time?
Well the fact of the matter is this will be a big part of your life now as long as you are with him.
People in program keep going instead of drinking for years, yes years.
There is no magic pill to fix this, it’s a change of life style really.
If I may suggest some Alanon meetings for yourself.
It’s a great way to learn more about you and you could be going while he is at his meetings.
Well the fact of the matter is this will be a big part of your life now as long as you are with him.
People in program keep going instead of drinking for years, yes years.
There is no magic pill to fix this, it’s a change of life style really.
If I may suggest some Alanon meetings for yourself.
It’s a great way to learn more about you and you could be going while he is at his meetings.
I also mentioned that I tried alanon and didn't find it to be a good fit for me.
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Just my humble opinion:
Your husband has been sober 48 days. That is great...but things are still really raw at this stage...for you and him. If you give it time...let the process be...these feelings may resolve themselves.
Hubby is sober. You don't have his drinking/issues to focus on.
You are not a bad person. It is normal for you to have these guilty feelings during your husbands recovery.
JMHO, you are dissatisfied generally, lonely, grieving and busy. (Maybe...busy isn't working for you, right now.)
Its like, "What the heck just happened to me?" "Who am I now that this problem has been "resolved"?"
1. You admitted that you find it hard to focus on yourself.
2. You are swamped with work, school and activities.
These two issues are completely within your control.
My take on it: downsize your activities...take your time...be patient and kind to yourself...keep trying out counselors till you find one that "feels just right"....when you find that counselor...focus on yourself and counseling.
Hubby is sober...but you are still grieving what happened to you...and not just what hubby did...its how his drinking affected you.
About friends: your right, couples and people who are still drinking may not be good for you just now. Alanon doesn't work for you...first...focus on you..."get in touch with you" like someone said earlier...then when you are ready...maybe you could try "Meetup" groups, ect. I noticed that you can find groups that are centered around hobbies and other interests. For example, I found several based on homeschooling, which is what I am into, at the moment. So, maybe you could find some new acquaintences this way.
So what if it takes you a year to figure out how you were affected....it may take a while for you to heal. You are worth it. Maybe it IS TIME for some "healthy" selfishness. But you have got to work on you. You have got to treat yourself with love and care...and let hubby do the same for himself.
Your husband has been sober 48 days. That is great...but things are still really raw at this stage...for you and him. If you give it time...let the process be...these feelings may resolve themselves.
Hubby is sober. You don't have his drinking/issues to focus on.
You are not a bad person. It is normal for you to have these guilty feelings during your husbands recovery.
JMHO, you are dissatisfied generally, lonely, grieving and busy. (Maybe...busy isn't working for you, right now.)
Its like, "What the heck just happened to me?" "Who am I now that this problem has been "resolved"?"
1. You admitted that you find it hard to focus on yourself.
2. You are swamped with work, school and activities.
These two issues are completely within your control.
My take on it: downsize your activities...take your time...be patient and kind to yourself...keep trying out counselors till you find one that "feels just right"....when you find that counselor...focus on yourself and counseling.
Hubby is sober...but you are still grieving what happened to you...and not just what hubby did...its how his drinking affected you.
About friends: your right, couples and people who are still drinking may not be good for you just now. Alanon doesn't work for you...first...focus on you..."get in touch with you" like someone said earlier...then when you are ready...maybe you could try "Meetup" groups, ect. I noticed that you can find groups that are centered around hobbies and other interests. For example, I found several based on homeschooling, which is what I am into, at the moment. So, maybe you could find some new acquaintences this way.
So what if it takes you a year to figure out how you were affected....it may take a while for you to heal. You are worth it. Maybe it IS TIME for some "healthy" selfishness. But you have got to work on you. You have got to treat yourself with love and care...and let hubby do the same for himself.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
