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Wasting my time?

Old 02-17-2008, 05:31 PM
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Wasting my time?

So abf came over today to get some more clothes. We talked for awhile, and I told him strait up how I felt about his drinking, this time not over the phone. He said that he didn't know where I came up all of a sudden with this ridiculous rant about him having a drinking problem. I guess it was all of a sudden as our fight prior to him leaving was about how he couldn't comfort me with the stress I'm dealing with right now and other relationship issues. I can see how it caught him off guard and I basically said I didn't think it would work out unless he got some sort of help. I rambled on like the codie that I am about the disease etc. He said I must be too caught up in my exabf addiction from a few years back and that I compare him to my ex; that I think everyone is an alcoholic if they throw back one too many beers, and that I'm "uptight."

He said he would have to think about it and basically the only thing he is thinking about as far as getting help would be couple's counseling. Maybe his way of putting the attention and fault back on me.


Would couple's counseling be helpful or just be a waste of my time? I guess if he isn't going to address his drinking issues whats the point? I told him he needs to find help for himself (and yes I know you can't make an A get help unless they're ready) but he just said the issues at hand are between him and I....

I'd appreciate any input....thank you.
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Old 02-17-2008, 05:36 PM
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Alcoholics are masters at turning problems around and putting the focus on you.

Stop believing it. It's sounds as if an ounce of you is somewhat willing to buy into his crap.

See it for what it is. Manipulation and more manipulation. Same *hit, different alcoholic.

Know this....get strong....and RUN!!!!! Head for the hills!!!! Don't look back.
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Old 02-17-2008, 05:48 PM
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Yes I think couples counseling would be a waste of time.
Maybe you should look into Alanon for yourself.

If this is the 2nd alcoholic you ended up with, it does show a pattern.
Finding out why you are attracted to them and working on yourself would be a greater value to you.
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Old 02-17-2008, 06:01 PM
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The conversation you described above tells me that he is a looooong way from recognizing he has a problem. I think counseling is in order, but maybe not "couples." I would be interested in knowing why I kept getting involved with the same type of man (an alcoholic). If this relationship is ending, then count your blessings. You've been given another chance to find a real relationship. Not all of us get that.
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Old 02-17-2008, 06:09 PM
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I'm in counseling myself, have been for the last year now.

Thanks for the input...

hope2bhappy--why is it that not everyone gets a chance to find a real relationship? Nothing is forever....
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Old 02-17-2008, 06:15 PM
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Originally Posted by lexusgirl View Post
why is it that not everyone gets a chance to find a real relationship? Nothing is forever....
What a great, positive way to look at life!

What is said in the conversation isn't important. If someone's drinking bothers me, that is all that matters. It's been a long process, but I now trust my gut. I don't look for outside validation when I know having a particular person in my life is not good for me (whether they are alcoholic or not).

Keep up the counseling; it is there I am learning to trust myself. Al-Anon is also extremely helpful.
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Old 02-17-2008, 06:54 PM
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Originally Posted by lexusgirl View Post
hope2bhappy--why is it that not everyone gets a chance to find a real relationship? Nothing is forever....
Not everyone gets the chance, because not everyone takes the chances they are given. In these cases, nothing is what you will get, and nothing will be forever.
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Old 02-17-2008, 07:58 PM
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Originally Posted by lexusgirl View Post
that I think everyone is an alcoholic if they throw back one too many beers, and that I'm "uptight."
My husband said the same thing to me the night he hit bottom. I agree with the other posters that say A's have a way of turning things around and putting the blame on someone else.
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Old 02-17-2008, 08:44 PM
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You asked the question, so I'll give you my answer. Yes, YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME. Talk to him until you are blue in the face, show him the facts, get out the camcorder and film him during a drunken frolick.

You are wasting your time explaining to anyone else what is wrong with them. It's his problem. He owns it. You do not own it. Take it from somebody who has married TWO ALCOHOLICS. You ARE wasting your time.

He thinks you are ridiculous and he thinks you rant. Enough said.
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Old 02-17-2008, 09:31 PM
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Originally Posted by prodigal View Post

He thinks you are ridiculous and he thinks you rant. Enough said.
Yupppp....he just texted me tonight saying that I am a control freak and too demanding.

Why do I bother, I guess because I love him. But another guy that has chosen the bottle over me.
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Old 02-17-2008, 09:49 PM
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Originally Posted by lexusgirl View Post
Why do I bother, I guess because I love him. But another guy that has chosen the bottle over me.
Another way to look at this is: I chose another guy who chose the bottle over me. Then the real work can begin.

Keep posting!
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Old 02-17-2008, 10:42 PM
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Thanks everyone for your inspiring words!
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Old 02-18-2008, 07:33 AM
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Lexus~

Don't bother with this man for another second. Be thankful that he is a boyfriend and not a husband.

Run from this man, don't answer his calls, don't look at him, don't give him another moment of your time or your precious words.

You deserve better and need to figure out how to realize it. It only matters how YOU see yourself. You know how the saying goes...you teach people how to treat you.

Alcoholics listen to actions....not words. Detach, let go and move on.
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Old 02-18-2008, 07:36 AM
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Originally Posted by carolineb View Post
Alcoholics are masters at turning problems around and putting the focus on you.

Stop believing it. It's sounds as if an ounce of you is somewhat willing to buy into his crap.

See it for what it is. Manipulation and more manipulation. Same *hit, different alcoholic.

Know this....get strong....and RUN!!!!! Head for the hills!!!! Don't look back.
amen.
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Old 02-18-2008, 11:26 AM
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Alcoholics listen to actions

Don't hedge your bets. In my own case, NO contact continues to work for me but XABF continues to try to weasle through my defence system. It's been over 6 months now but he keeps trying.

My actions as determined by my boundaries are there for me. I am not trying to "prove" anything to anyone so if XABF is paying attention to my actions why is he still trying to break through? Rhetorical question. People who have no boundaries have no respect for other people's boundaries. Bottom line? It is all about the A.

ARL
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