jehnifer

I new here and want to start using boundaries. One is that I will not accept criticism or lashing out from my RAH. If it starts up I will leave the room and not engage. My question is...Do I tell him this ahead of time? Something like, in the future if you... I will... Or do i not say anything and then when he starts up on me I just act - and walk out of the room? I want to do this the right way so your advice is needed!! thanks

Easeful

I handle boundaries both ways, depending on the situation.

In the case where I'm the care giver and walking away I explain first that I will not be abused. I do this so that when I walk away they will know that I'm not abandonning them but that I won't be back until their behavior is within the bounds of what I will accept.

In other situations I may not tell them beforehand. In some of my less healthy relationship to tell them beforehand would mean that they would wait for opportunities where it would be more difficult for me to walk away, like in a car on the freeway, in a restrauant when you've already ordered, etc.

I'm a work in progress and by no means an expert, but this plan has been working pretty well for me.

Growing

I am reading Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Another book I have, but haven't read yet is Boundaries in Marriage, by the same gentlemen, I believe.

The sticky posts, at the beginning of each page here at SR, are useful, overall, for learning how to set boundaries, IMHO.

Boundaries for each individual are unique. What works for me may not work for you and vice/versa.

I have got alot of insight from reading these forums and "borrowing" what is useful to me from the members, who have shared how they have set boundaries and whose recovery I admire.

best

Actions speak for themself. Walking away will speak volumes.
What can happen...you walk away, he follows. At such a moment in a calm soft tone you could share your feelings.... I don't want to hear such and I don't deserve to be treated that way. Soft calm tones. Monotone without emotions as best as able.

Ever have someone whisper to you? What happens?
Your ears perk up and you struggle to hear every word said.
Soft gentle tones will do the same. He will listen and hear every word spoken softly. I know I did.

Trying2bSane

I guess I don't understand the boundries thing enough. What do I have the right to ask and what not to ask?

My AH will be done with rehab in a week. I'm not letting him come home right away. I know my lack of trust may interfere with his recovery. Bugging him about meetings, that kind of thing. When I am ready to have him move back in (I don't know when that would be or how to tell if I am ready) What are exceptable things to be able to ask about or set boundries? Is it ok to say if you don't go to AA/counseling/IOP, you will have to move back out?

best

If that is what you need to see to feel things will work...Yes.

He can go to every meeting or see every counselor around but it still comes down to him working...His recovery.
You can't do it for him.

hope2bhappy

Just before my AH left inpatient recovery, the counselor told the family members that it was a very good idea to have two contracts -- one to be in force from here on out, and one to be in force in the event of a relapse. The contracts were to set out boundaries, what we would or would not do, etc. We were to discuss these contracts with our A's right away, and we were both supposed to sign them. Based on this, I think you should go ahead and tell him now, and not wait until there is a fight brewing. Of course, he may need to be reminded of the "rules" during an argument.

hope2bhappy

No, I don't think this is appropriate. My only concern, really, is that my AH not drink. It's not up to me to dictate how he achieves this. He knows what he has to do. The contracts I mentioned above are to state what I will do/not do. They are not meant to state what he should/should not do.

Growing

Trying2bSane...just take your time...if you are worried about it...then it may not be a good idea for you to live with him until you are ready to live with him. I don't know if it is his house/your house or both. But him leaving rehab doesn't have to automatically mean you HAVE to live with him. You have choices. More than we have even thought of yet. If it is his house...then you could make other living arrangements, ect....

Just my thoughts....

appleblaster

Trying2bSane the simple fact that you realize you have boundaries is fantastic! I can remember a time when I didn't even have a clue about boundaries.

At first I was so excited that I could now put boundaries in my arsenal of codie defenses in order to make him stop drinking. But eventually I learned that boundaries are a more gentle way of standing up for yourself. They enable you to gain the respect of the alcoholic and to regain some of your own self respect. I love that.

Learning to use them is an art form that is unique to each individual. I'm still not a boundaries ninja and I very well may never be but at least now my thinking has turned more towards myself and away from the alcoholic.

No matter what boundaries you set down, be prepared to follow them through no matter what. Otherwise, you may as well not lay them down at all. It is in the alcoholic/addict nature to look for loopholes and exploit them.