TDinATL

Bummer of a day for me...

I've been doing well lately and talked to my attorney about filing for a divorce from my AW. I don't want a divorce, I want my wife back, minus the alcohol.

It all happened so fast... on Feb 6th we were blissfully happy and leaving for vacation the next day. However, she came home drunk that night and things did not go well. It ended with me grabbing her and pushing her down on the couch. (fwiw - first time I've ever touched her in 10 years of battling her drinking) We'd been separated last year for 7 months and reconciled, I really thought we'd made it - we'd overcome a lot of garbage from the past. I kid you not, Wednesday morning she told me how wonderful I was (she'd actually giving me this little "Best Husbdand Ever" certificate a few days earlier) and by 2:00 AM Thursday she'd left me - saying that I was abusive to her.

I have not seen her or talked to her since then, she communicates with emails and text messages. When the reality of a divorce sunk in I decided to ask her again if she was sure about this. She said yes, absolutely.

I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it... total bliss on Wednesday morning and divorce by Wednesday night??? She doesn't want to talk about things or address things in any way. So, I will file for divorce on Monday.

It makes me question my thinking and feelings. Am I being to hard on her? Does she really have an alcohol problem or am I just a prude, how do I know for sure??? Did she just make the biggest mistake in her life or did I?

What am I supposed to learn from this??? What part of this makes me stronger??? I've been through a separation and was getting on with my life. Then we get back together and I thought we'd made it. I'd forgiven the past and moved on - I was happy with my life.

Now I feel stupid, betrayed, my trust is destroyed again and... to be point blank... I'm pretty damn lonely. I try to keep busy but I've also developed an "I don't care" attitude about some things". Money for one. I started a business last year and fought to get it off the ground. Her moving back in cost me more than anything, and now she's bailed again - I'm sicking of fighting it, I just spend whatever I want to.

I know that God has a plan here, I just wish I could see it a little clearer. I've been down this road before and I'm not sure what he wants me to learn by traveling it a second time.

When I file for the divorce there's a part of me that still hopes it will hit her that she's screwing up. The other part of me knows that I can't wait for her to realize this and I need to get the ball rolling to move on with my life.

OK, I'll stop now... I could go on for days I bet.....

mle-sober

TD - If she is the one saying she wants a divorce, and you are unsure, why are you the one filing? Let her do it - it's a pain in the ass. Also, if she gets contrite at some point, don't, under any circumstances, take her back without her signing up for a treatment program - not just AA - an in or out patient treatment program. And don't take her back until she's actually done so - not just said she will. As an alcoholic (in recovery) my bet is that she is just saying to you you are abusive and she wants a divorce because it frees her up to drink. All I ever wanted was to drink. And pretense to the contrary was just an act to try to look normal. If she doesn't get in recovery, you should be strong and leave leave leave but don't file. Maybe she'll realize what she lost and get contrite and agree to treatment. Good luck.

Miss Pink

what changed to make you think everything was going to improve?

did she get sober and work and maintain a program of recovery? Or did she say what you wanted to hear? Nice words, promises?

Alcoholism doesnt just go away when they act sane for a short term. Nothing changes unless someone changes. If she is alcoholic, she is insane. ie: insane behavior, on both parts, is a given.

Try alanon?

bluejay6

i'm so sorry, atlanta. i know that sudden turnaround from bliss to despair as well. relationship with an addict is emotionally decimating.

i have finally, finally gotten my head around the fact that addiction feeds on chaos. it sets us up--it sets the addict up--and it feeds on emotional chaos. what makes addicts use are emotions.....they get a feeling, they want to use. the stronger the feelings, the stronger the signal to use. it is a chaotic system which circles around and around and it is no wonder the spouse feels like his or her brain is exploding from the drama.

your AW is an addict looking to have reasons to use. what happened wednesday gave her plenty. it was a set-up.

any reconciliation which did not include a firm commitment to ongoing and rigorous recovery for you both--including long-term treatment and detox for her (10 years plus addiction is big)--would eventually implode. you are reeling from it.

she may want divorce this week and in a few weeks or months change her mind. unless she gets clean and sober, that will be the merry go round. it is about addiction, atlanta. not about the relationship at this point. it is all about addiction and she is insane. any RA will tell you so.

as for why this is happening: be careful not to fall into the trap of self-pity. when you separated, and moved on, sounds like you were maybe not fully aware what addicts do and what a demon addiction is and how powerless you really are. had she died drunk during that time, you might have blamed yourself to your own grave. now you know: you cannot control her. you are powerless. she is a full-blown addict and everyone in her life should treat her as such and demand she get treatment, with clear consequences if she does not. that is the light bulb which i hope has gone off in your head.

you need support. please keep reading here, posting, or going to meetings or a counselor. addiction makes the addict sick and then it spills over onto the family. get help for your wounds.

all the very best to you. may God guide you.

Pick-a-name

Exactly what I was about to ask............actually,exactly what I DID!

Sorry you are hurting.

TDinATL

Thanks all, great feedback! To answer a few questions...

I waited 7 months last year for her to file and when I got sick of waiting and told her I was filing she finally wanted to reconcile. I just feel like I need to quit waiting and move on with my life. But still hard to let go.

I just realized recently that her drinking is truly an addiction and not just she "gets drunk" sometimes. She promised me she wouldn't drink anymore when we got back together, and I believed her 100%.

I should have noticed this a long time ago. Anytime we'd get into a fight and I'd leave to go cool off, I'd come home and there was ALWAYS alcohol in the fridge that wasn't there when I left.

Thanks again everyone. I know that all of you know it's not easy and I appreciate everyone "listening" and offering support.

lexusgirl

I'm sorry you're hurting

I understand the whole thing about one day being good and the next it's like ur with a different person.

This disease is one of insanity. A lot of her behavior probably won't make sense to you as she is an addict/alcoholic. They often do really weird things and their behavior is crazy!!

I am going through something similiar although this is the second relationship in my life with an A. (lucky me) Many days I don't understand either, but I know there has got to be something better than this in life.

Hang in there and keep posting.

hope2bhappy

You kind of sound as if you were blindsided by this latest turn of events. So, I have to ask, are you doing anything to educate yourself about this disease? Are you taking steps to learn how to detach from her and put the focus on yourself, like attending Alanon (regularly)?

I know that you want to wake up in the morning, and have everything all lovey dovey and perfect again (we all did), but this is not going to happen overnight. She needs treatment and then a strict program of recovery. That, right there, will take more than a year. And if she does find recovery, things still won't be the pretty picture you envision, because her recovery will be her number one priority in life -- not you.

You have been locked up in an emotional prison. The jailer has just left the door open. Are you going to make your escape, or are you going slam it shut and toss back the key?

DESIGNER

We all want that......we wouldn't be here if we did not. It is sooo sooo hard but stay strong. I am leaving my abf of 4.5 yrs. Not easy at times....actually devastating at times but it is what it is and you can do nothing to change it.

I know how you feel to have one day of utter happiness....you go to bed feeling that way like everything is going to be ok only to wake up and find the " other" person in your home. It is mind baffeling.....we can not understand it as much as we try. You have to just take care of yourself.

Believe me leaving him is the hardest thing that I have ever done but it HAS to be done. I am sorry that you are going through so much pain. Don't beat yourself up for throwing her on the couch. Yes it is not right but alcoholism brings out evil in us also. I have done some things to the xabf that were not right and I am not saying that I had the right but when your emotions get the best of you it is easy to lose control. You love this person soooo much and they say that they love you so much and when that is betrayed you react irrationally. Most on this board have acted irrational at times...we can only take so much.

Just take care of yourself and remember that you did not cause this.

TDinATL

No doubt everyone here, no matter which end of this you are on, has wished it was just gone one morning... that sure would be nice.

I haven't attended any meetings yet. I spent 6 months in counseling last year and found out I wasn't as big of a jerk as I had been made to believe. AW went with me to 3 sessions and then got mad at the counselor and said "no more". I should probably go, I guess I'm being stubborn on this, too. I feel like if I go then she's still controlling me with her alcohol in a certain respect, whether we're together or not. But on the othe hand I'm sure I need to address some things properly to move on.

I bet none of you realize how valuable your input has been here, thanks 1000X over.

TD

Growing

Alanon is nice because it helps educate you so that you won't make the same mistakes in future relationships.

gns

Hi, I completely understand your despair and confusion.

I am not sure if this is what you want to hear - but clarity will come with time. I thought I was going to die when I broke up with my ex and I really wanted to - now I am glad that we separated - he essentially pushed me out and I couldn't understand why.

God did for me what I couldn't/wouldn't do for myself.

So have faith that as painful as things are - they will get better!

LarryATL

TD, as you can see from my name I'm Larry and I'm also in Atlanta. I also have an AW and she has been through one rehab and unforunately she is still actively drinking. I can so relate to what you are going through. One day she's the sweet woman I married and the next she's a raving lunatic. So frustrating...

The one point I wanted to mention to you is that when my wife has been in "rage mode" she has repeatedly brought up divorce - or should I say demanded it. Screamed about it. Insisted on it. But then a day or a week later it is the furthest thing from her mind and she's talking about things we're going to be doing together in our retirement years. Yeesh. What I've taken from all of this is that what she says in her alcohol induced moments of rage is pretty much meaningless, or at least I shouldn't put too much stock in it. She's obviously sick (certainly the alcoholism but possibly some other mental health issues) so until she tells me she wants a divorce when she is completely sober, I tend not to believe her anymore. Your experience and situation may be different than mine, but I wanted to offer you that perspective.

Also, I have been attending Alanon for 13 months now I it has been of enormous help to me. Enormous. I strongly encourage you to at least try it.

Since we're both in the Atlanta area, PM me if you'd like to have a private discussion via e-mail or whatever.

Hang in there, it's a tough slog with an uncertain outcome, but as others have pointed out, try to focus on yourself and what you need to to for your own peace, health, and serenity.

Larry

Kindeyes

TD
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I is very painful to love an alcoholic, whether it is a spouse or a child or a parent or a sibling. Each relationship has special bonds that are suppose to be there and alcohol destroys that.

The best thing that I have found in my ongoing recovery is that I really do need to look out for me. I can't rely on the A in my life to give me perspective or direction. No one here can really advise you whether or not to file for divorce. But the one thing I would suggest is that if you do it, do it for YOU. Not because she says so. Taking life changing directives from an alcoholic is just not healthy. Making life changing choices for YOU is healthy. Does that make sense?

gentle hugs to you as you deal with your pain and confusion. We are all there or have been there and we understand.

TDinATL

Oh yes, perfect sense. Thanks!