Lauriejess

Good Morning:

I have a 39 year old sister who is an alcoholic. Long story short, she just came out of a safe house last weekend. She had 3 kids 14, 4, and 9 mos. The 14 year old lives with our mother, the two younger ones live with a foster family. The baby was taken out of the hospital at birth and placed in the foster home. So my sister gets an apt. with assistance from vaious programs she is involved with and moves in last weekend. A Christian organization helps her out by practically furnishing the whole place. I can't begin to tell you how many residences this makes that she has had to start over from scratch. Anyway she did not drink about 2-3 mos. I'm not sure exactly how long. She goes to all sorts of group meetings and counseling. So my mother calls me last night tells me to call her because she suspects my sister is drunk. So I did, sure enough she was. We had a bit of a spat. She told me the reason she was drunk was she was all alone in this new house. Yeah right. I told her I did not know how she could kick all these folks who have helped her in the mouth, including myself who does visits for her with her kids every other Sunday. My dilemma is this, my mother wanted me to confirm whether or not she was drunk. My sister told me on the phone if I tell my mother she was drunk she will eff me up. My mother is about to pay a $300 cable bill for her so she can hook up cable in her new place. M sister said on the phone "she has a $300 cable bill riding on this and that is why she would eff me up if I told my mother she was drunk. I just told my mother she didn't answer her phone so I did not know if she was drunk.

I am disappointed my sister once again has failed in her sobriety attempts. It seems nothing can get her straight.

Anyway, I'm just annoyed at the whole mess and don't know if I did the right thing about telling my mother she didn't answer the phone??

Laurie

CatsPajamas

Laurie,

This is a difficult and painful situation that families find themselves in. The very best thing you can do is to take yourself out of the middle. I had to set a boundary for myself that I was not anyone's messenger. If a family member or friend wants to know something about someone else, it won't be thru me. Most know that about me now, but it has taken some time.

If your sister was drunk, she was drunk, and most likely she'll do it again until she hits her bottom. As long as people give her a cushy place to land, she probably won't find that bottom. If your sister is threatening you for any reason, you might want to detach from her a bit more. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

Good luck with this. I found Al Anon meetings to be very helpful in learning how to deal with my family's somewhat odd ways of interacting.

Hugs
Cats

Barbara52

Removing yourself from the situation is the healthiest thing you can do. Personally I would probably tell my mother that your sister is drinking again in hopes it might save your mother from throwing away her money.

Growing

Yes...Detach from both...by being involved you are in the "cycle". I think you did the right thing. Now leave them both the H*** alone! You don't deserve to be manipulated and abused because of someone elses problem. You need to believe that you deserve better than this...and then act accordingly.

really_fed_up

Hi,

I truly understand and feel your pain. I am in the process of detaching from my alcoholic sister. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard the exact words coming out of my sister's mouth: "I drink because I'm lonely", "I drink because I'm bored", "I drink because you won't return my calls". "I drink because you don't support me with your friendship enough." "Don't tell mom and dad". "If you tell mom and dad, I'll never speak to you again." "If you love me you won't tell mom and dad."

I think I'm finally able to accept and practice these truths:

1.) Alcoholics are responsible for their disease, and until we choose to detach from their disease, it will be a never ending cycle.

2.) Do not cover up for the alcoholic. Tell your mom like it is. Your sister was drinking.

3.) Do not allow yourself to become emotionally drained and sucked into your sister's disease OR your mom's denial of your sister's problems.

4.) Do what feels right and trust your gut. Do not answer the phone when she calls and she's drunk. Advise your mom to do the same, but also do not feel responsible if your mom chooses not to accept your advice.

My parents are just beginning to detach from my sister's problems. They are doing so because she now lives across the country from them. I'm practicing tough love.

I'll be thinking of you and sending you good thoughts.

geees poncho

L.J.

I can so relate to your situation, it was my brothers that where at this point.
Picture your sister in a quagmire of quicksand and slowly sinking, she will not accept any life lines throwen to her from any relative, the false pride that goes along with this disease tells her she can handle all her self, It will take a complete stranger to get to her
if anyone ever does?? the best thing you can do is love her from a distance, and only support her in recovery. when her words and actions start to match she may be on her way to recovery.

Good luck & god bless

hope2bhappy

I would have told. She could never "eff" you up as much as she has herself. We continue to try to keep the peace, and in the process continue to enable the addict. She was wrong to threaten you about the $300, but you allow her to continue playing this game when you don't make and stick to your boundaries.

What stands out to me about your situation is just how sad and desperate addiction is. She has lost her children and probably all self-respect. Yet in the face of all this (which you'd think would make anyone sober), she continues with her struggle to get clean, but can't do it. This is not party drinking -- this is true addiction. Really sad.

Daisy30

nothing or no one can get her straight except for herself. When she is ready she will seek help.

you must step out of the way and let her hit her bottom.