Chrysalis

So, the big love day is over. I will recap how my day went.

In the morning my three girls and I each found cards on the kitchen counter.
Kids all got really cute and funny cards. They loved them. I got a 'the more I share life with you, the more I love you card' signed Love AH. My first thought -' you never shared your life with me, we have been living separate lives for 15 yrs. Nonetheless, I know he was trying to tell me that his goal is to share a life with me. I need to put my resentment aside.

I got a phone call in the middle of the day asking if I had had a chance to go to the jewelry store to look for a Vday/15th anniversary piece. I had not because I have been off work with a bad back from a slip on the ice and didn't feel up to it. He desparately wants me to have something to commemorate the 15yrs. He wants a new cycling bike. I just don't feel right about accepting a piece of jewelry at this time of turbulence. It feels ingenuine on my part.

I managed to find a card for my AH that said something about 'may all your wishes come true'. Nothing mushing or love filled but I did write him a note that spoke about how I really feel that he is finally on the road to recovery and that I thought that was great. I also mentioned that I hope this process brings him to a place of joy. Sign just with my name. I left it on his dresser and he read it before I got home from picking up the kids. Later in the evening he came to give me a little thank you hug and then said he wanted to give me feedback on my card. He said he new that I was trying but if I re read the card I will note that there were no us words, or no future words in it and that he was afraid to open it because he feared that it would not make reference to us as a couple or love. My reply was ' I hear what you are saying', which upset him. I was just trying to acknowledge how he felt but apparantly it was the wrong answer.

the remainder of the evening was very tense. I did homework with my middle daughter til 9:30; he watched sports. Bedtime rolled around and we gave each other a terse good night and went to our separate rooms.

Barbara52

I understand where you are coming from. My AH "celebrated" our 4th anniversary about a month before I left. I knew I was leaving and couldn't bring myself to "celebrate" in anyway really. I bought him some book as a present, not terribly personal and certainly not expressing love and looking to the future. He gave me a plant that died within a week. I found that rather symbolic.

Keep doing what feels right to you. That's all you can do.

Chrysalis

This morning he brought me my coffee and he held his journal under his arm and told me that he was going to book an apt with his counsellor. The kids were there so I didn't say much other that 'oh, good'.
I called him afterward to ask him if my card and my reaction to his feedback was the reason why he needed some conselling. He confirmed that and then went on to say that he needed to know if there is any hope for our relationship and that he cannot go living in separate rooms from month to month. He has made significant changes etc. I agreed to most of it and said that only since Feb 6th have I truly felt he is making strides in recovery; that up to that date is has been about me forgiving and getting on with the relationship. He agreed. He said he doesn't get angry any more just sad. He recognized that cohabitating for me is different than it is for him and that I have technically been cohabitating for 15 yrs but now that he is aware and celebate for over 6 mths it is too damaging for him.

On serveral occasion he asked me if I thought the love was gone or if there was so much resentment that it was irrepairable and on each occassion I chicken out. The door was open in a conversation which excluded raging emotions. I chicken out!!! I could have said that I don't feel the love anymore but I said that I didn't know what the answer was! I am such a chicken. It is totally unfair that I continue to keep my true feeling from him. He asked me what I wanted him to do to make things better; I said giving him instructions was not the answer to making things better.

The conversation ended after he asked one last time about any hope for reconsiliation and I replied that asking the same question, to which I don't have the answer over every 5 mins, isn't going to give him a new answer. Then agreed to discuss again later after his session.

Help

cece1960

(((Codeep)))
That it just so unfair, and one of the reasons I really despise the whole "holiday". Yeah, I used to like it too back in the day that crushes were revealed and love was in the air...I suppose I was about 16.
As an adult I'm seeing more and more a day that one is forced to prove their love, and disappointments run amuck.

He should NOT have put you in that position Period.

When I split from my ex it broke his heart. After several years of me being invisible, and him detached from the whole family (he was step dad), once I ended it I was the most important thing in his universe. It was really hard for me to think I was hurting him, but the simple truth is that he was hurting...not from my actions but from the aftermath of his. There was nothing I could do, save perhaps give up all of my needs to protect his, and for once I wasn't willing to do that.

He still pines to this day, but has moved on. He claims he hasn't, but ironically for three or so years he's been dating the gal that he was palling around with while we were married :chatter Go figure.

We can't save the world from hurt hon...so we keep on keeping on the best we know how.
Thanks heavens V-Day is over
(((Hugs)))

hopeangel

i really feel for you. it sounds to me like you are feeling pressured and truly don't have the answers. you are torn. perhaps finding time to yourself will help. that is what i am wanting-time to myself to clear my head.

i am in a very similar situation right now and my valentine's day was much the same as yours. only my ah has not truly sought recovery.

what i have found that helps me right now is that it is okay to feel the way i do and not to beat myself up about it. in a sense, i have taken some of the pressure off of myself and just do, everyday, what feels right to me. i do not compromise that for ah or his feelings anymore and i no longer feel guilty about it.

Chrysalis

Thanks Hope,
But I do know the answer, I am just afraid to say it. I guess, in my mind I would feel better if he walked away. I have been going to Al Anon for 9months and reading lots and speaking with a sponsor and friends. But, being the codepenedent that I am, I would feel like it was me who didn't love daddy any more, me who caused separate Christmas/Easter, me who walked away from my marriage commitment. I know that it is truthfully irrelevant who finally broke it off. It has been a ongoing process for me to get to this point.
I guess I am just Chicken. Is there a Chicken smily?

denny57

Sounds like it's still all about him - from both sides.

Chrysalis

yup

Chrysalis

That's me hiding behind that wall! You can't see my chicken feathers because I am so stressed it they feel off! Does Rogaine work on feathers???

hope2bhappy

I wonder why you don't tell him how you feel. What are you hiding from?