opinions anyone?
Getting Over It
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
opinions anyone?
Ok, heres the situation. I am still not happy, and have guilt for wanting to leave. We have 3 sons and have been married almost 16 yrs. AH has been sober 13 months.
My love language is not physical touch, his is. He is very touchy-feely and has been saying how he adores me, he thinks I am precious, I am beautiful angel, God told him we will stay together if I will just get my spirit right with God. I find this as manipulative and have asked him to stop. After all, he used to say my arms were too flabby, my face pushed in, my feet were ugly.. oh but that was then, this is now... how to let go? And the groping! I have told him I dont like it, its revolting and disrespectful but that doesnt stop him. Something must be wrong with me, he says. So, to avoid a fight I bottle it up, avoid him and we end up fighting eventually anyway. My love language is probably acts of service. He has let the house etc go while he was drinking for so many yrs. That has aggravated me.He will start one project and leave it for another, so nothing gets done. He is overwhelmed, he says but wont hire help.We made a pact last wk, that if he didnt touch me so much, but did things around the house, I would try to spend time with him and be more physical. Well, later that day, he was adding up what he had done for me and comparing it to what I did for him! Grr! Back to fighting...
Also, whenever we fight, he threatens divorce (threatens being the key word, cause at this point, I'd welcome divorce) and takes things away from me. We have a newer van in his name that he pays for but I drive. The other vehicle is much older, probably unsafe ( no maintenence!), in my name and paid for. He takes the keys to the new van away from me and leaves me to drive the older one. Oh! and last valentines, he financed a bdrm set "for me", hasnt paid a dime on it, but threatens to send it back. Should I mention that I pay for car ins on both vehicles and the mortgage??? Plus the bulk of all the other bills... I have called around for divorce lawyers to get info on my legal rights with these matters, but they are soo expensive! Any thoughts??
My love language is not physical touch, his is. He is very touchy-feely and has been saying how he adores me, he thinks I am precious, I am beautiful angel, God told him we will stay together if I will just get my spirit right with God. I find this as manipulative and have asked him to stop. After all, he used to say my arms were too flabby, my face pushed in, my feet were ugly.. oh but that was then, this is now... how to let go? And the groping! I have told him I dont like it, its revolting and disrespectful but that doesnt stop him. Something must be wrong with me, he says. So, to avoid a fight I bottle it up, avoid him and we end up fighting eventually anyway. My love language is probably acts of service. He has let the house etc go while he was drinking for so many yrs. That has aggravated me.He will start one project and leave it for another, so nothing gets done. He is overwhelmed, he says but wont hire help.We made a pact last wk, that if he didnt touch me so much, but did things around the house, I would try to spend time with him and be more physical. Well, later that day, he was adding up what he had done for me and comparing it to what I did for him! Grr! Back to fighting...
Also, whenever we fight, he threatens divorce (threatens being the key word, cause at this point, I'd welcome divorce) and takes things away from me. We have a newer van in his name that he pays for but I drive. The other vehicle is much older, probably unsafe ( no maintenence!), in my name and paid for. He takes the keys to the new van away from me and leaves me to drive the older one. Oh! and last valentines, he financed a bdrm set "for me", hasnt paid a dime on it, but threatens to send it back. Should I mention that I pay for car ins on both vehicles and the mortgage??? Plus the bulk of all the other bills... I have called around for divorce lawyers to get info on my legal rights with these matters, but they are soo expensive! Any thoughts??
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Daisyjen
Your story sounds so familiar. So similar to my story 25 years ago with my xah. I always think of the song "You've lost that lovin' feeling" when I remember how I felt. It was just gone gone gone for me.
I have no advice for you since we all have to make our own choices. As far as attorneys go, you might check with a local women's shelter or advocate group to see if they can refer you to a low cost attorney.
I will share that I was found by man (my current husband of 22 years) who loves me and shows me how much every day. He doesn't bring me flowers and candies on Valentine's Day (he's not much of a romantic) but he'll do little things every day...for example he'll vacuum before I get home from work to ease my burden for the evening.
His arms around me and his kisses still feel wonderful....even after all these years. Love can be enduring but it is a constant and equal give and take. Unfortunately, living with a person in active addiction is a one way street.
gentle hugs to you
Your story sounds so familiar. So similar to my story 25 years ago with my xah. I always think of the song "You've lost that lovin' feeling" when I remember how I felt. It was just gone gone gone for me.
I have no advice for you since we all have to make our own choices. As far as attorneys go, you might check with a local women's shelter or advocate group to see if they can refer you to a low cost attorney.
I will share that I was found by man (my current husband of 22 years) who loves me and shows me how much every day. He doesn't bring me flowers and candies on Valentine's Day (he's not much of a romantic) but he'll do little things every day...for example he'll vacuum before I get home from work to ease my burden for the evening.
His arms around me and his kisses still feel wonderful....even after all these years. Love can be enduring but it is a constant and equal give and take. Unfortunately, living with a person in active addiction is a one way street.
gentle hugs to you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
His behavior sounds rather petty and childish to me. Certainly not productive to you guys continuing a relationship.
Do you go to AlAnon or therapy? How about him? Is he in any recovery program? How about couple therapy if you want to stay in the marriage?
Yes, divorce can be expensive. Try Kindeyes' suggestions and perhaps call teh local ABA and see if they can give you a referral to a younf and hongry attorney who won't change as much.
Do you go to AlAnon or therapy? How about him? Is he in any recovery program? How about couple therapy if you want to stay in the marriage?
Yes, divorce can be expensive. Try Kindeyes' suggestions and perhaps call teh local ABA and see if they can give you a referral to a younf and hongry attorney who won't change as much.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
All I can offer is that my STBXAH never sobered up but my situation was/is similar to yours (even down to the A's behavior) and you have nothing to fear from divorce. The movers just left with his stuff 30 min ago and I am going to get to keep my house, most of the furniture and will get primary custody of our son. I am better off financially than when we "shared" the bills. It wouldn't hurt to get an attorney's opinion. If you don't know what your husbands retirement and pension is, find out, in my case it made all the difference as far as property settlement goes.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
It sounds like you and your H have needs that are not being met. You both have different ways of expressing affection your reasons for expressing affection are different too. You only want to express affection when you get what you want he will only give you what you want when you give him what he wants. Both of your's love tanks are on empty.
What to do? I think praying might help your situation. I totally believe that there is no situation that cannot be brought to fruition, closure, or resolve by first starting to pray about it. I mean really God is the only one who can help us remove these chains.
We can't do it ourselves because we are over burdened if we could do it ourselves it would be done by now. We have lost our rational thought over not getting what we need. We are wallowing in our misery.
Is continuing this pattern of irrational behavior going to get us out of this mess? Somebody has to grow up. Somebody might have to change their own diaper. Somebody might have to realize that something have to be changed be it the diaper, the ethics of living, or from irrational thought to good solid reason for our situation.
In case you did not notice I am in a similar situation thus I say "we". Be gentle with yourself!
What to do? I think praying might help your situation. I totally believe that there is no situation that cannot be brought to fruition, closure, or resolve by first starting to pray about it. I mean really God is the only one who can help us remove these chains.
We can't do it ourselves because we are over burdened if we could do it ourselves it would be done by now. We have lost our rational thought over not getting what we need. We are wallowing in our misery.
Is continuing this pattern of irrational behavior going to get us out of this mess? Somebody has to grow up. Somebody might have to change their own diaper. Somebody might have to realize that something have to be changed be it the diaper, the ethics of living, or from irrational thought to good solid reason for our situation.
In case you did not notice I am in a similar situation thus I say "we". Be gentle with yourself!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 138
[QUOTE=daisyjen;1674336]
My love language is not physical touch, his is. He is very touchy-feely and has been saying how he adores me, he thinks I am precious, I am beautiful angel, God told him we will stay together if I will just get my spirit right with God. I find this as manipulative and have asked him to stop. After all, he used to say my arms were too flabby, my face pushed in, my feet were ugly.. oh but that was then, this is now... how to let go? And the groping! I have told him I dont like it, its revolting and disrespectful but that doesnt stop him. Something must be wrong with me, he says. So, to avoid a fight I bottle it up, avoid him and we end up fighting eventually anyway. My love language is probably acts of service. He has let the house etc go while he was drinking for so many yrs. That has aggravated me.He will start one project and leave it for another, so nothing gets done. He is overwhelmed, he says but wont hire help.We made a pact last wk, that if he didnt touch me so much, but did things around the house, I would try to spend time with him and be more physical. Well, later that day, he was adding up what he had done for me and comparing it to what I did for him! Grr! Back to fighting...
QUOTE]
Two things I would like to comment on...
a. it sounds like your AH is dry. If this is the case, I would say that many dry alcholics, at least mine. Have been drinking to avoid something and when they are not using they feel that the only way they can connect for feel intimacy is through physical touch regardless of how inappropriate it may be. My AH said it was the only way he could 'feel' something. It really didn't matter to him how I felt. I was just punishing him by not putting out. Not for a moment did he think that it's supposed to be a reciprocal thing.
b.my Ah used to say that there was something wrong with me too. I thought about this for many years and finally realized that there was nothing wrong with me and that I had a healthy attitude toward relations. The problem was how I felt about having relations with him. You know, stinky, drunk, hungover and only interested in me when he felt the urge??
c. Al anon REALLY helped me a lot
Best wishes
My love language is not physical touch, his is. He is very touchy-feely and has been saying how he adores me, he thinks I am precious, I am beautiful angel, God told him we will stay together if I will just get my spirit right with God. I find this as manipulative and have asked him to stop. After all, he used to say my arms were too flabby, my face pushed in, my feet were ugly.. oh but that was then, this is now... how to let go? And the groping! I have told him I dont like it, its revolting and disrespectful but that doesnt stop him. Something must be wrong with me, he says. So, to avoid a fight I bottle it up, avoid him and we end up fighting eventually anyway. My love language is probably acts of service. He has let the house etc go while he was drinking for so many yrs. That has aggravated me.He will start one project and leave it for another, so nothing gets done. He is overwhelmed, he says but wont hire help.We made a pact last wk, that if he didnt touch me so much, but did things around the house, I would try to spend time with him and be more physical. Well, later that day, he was adding up what he had done for me and comparing it to what I did for him! Grr! Back to fighting...
QUOTE]
Two things I would like to comment on...
a. it sounds like your AH is dry. If this is the case, I would say that many dry alcholics, at least mine. Have been drinking to avoid something and when they are not using they feel that the only way they can connect for feel intimacy is through physical touch regardless of how inappropriate it may be. My AH said it was the only way he could 'feel' something. It really didn't matter to him how I felt. I was just punishing him by not putting out. Not for a moment did he think that it's supposed to be a reciprocal thing.
b.my Ah used to say that there was something wrong with me too. I thought about this for many years and finally realized that there was nothing wrong with me and that I had a healthy attitude toward relations. The problem was how I felt about having relations with him. You know, stinky, drunk, hungover and only interested in me when he felt the urge??
c. Al anon REALLY helped me a lot
Best wishes
Last edited by Chrysalis; 02-15-2008 at 09:04 AM. Reason: problem with quotes
Getting Over It
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
Yes, we have been to counseling a few times and I have been on my own. When we went together we took this personality test so the counselor would know how to approach us and we could understand each other better. Well, he told me after taking it that he got tired of doing the test and just filled any of the bubbles!!! So that didnt show he was serious about it to me. The counselor was also pretty harsh, telling me it was my duty to give him sex. And that was before we got into any nitty gritty stuff, like how he disgusted me. She then told him to back off for just a season and I would eventually heal. He said he was not going back to dating me. She also asked if I wanted a divorce. I said I didnt know and later I got heck for saying that from AH sister!! So, we quit going. I tried al-anon and it is just not for me. I am better just one on one. He attends AA and also a christian 12 step program.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Sounds like a lot of passive aggressive behavior on the part of your AH. I'm thinking he is hurt, and he tries to hurt you back by acting this way. Something I see a lot of (lately) on this forum is *we're mad at them when they're drunk, and we're mad at them when they're sober.* It appears to be a lose-lose situation. Perhaps divorce is the answer for you. That way you can both move on and find happier lives. If you can't afford an attorney, call your State Bar (not the drinking kind of bar 
) and ask for help. They have a pro bono program where attorneys volunteer to represent people for free. Most of their cases are divorces.
) and ask for help. They have a pro bono program where attorneys volunteer to represent people for free. Most of their cases are divorces.
Getting Over It
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
Ok, just a few minutes ago AH 17 yr old troubled nephew who lives 2 hrs away walked in our door. Apparently, AH told him he could live with us and go to school here! We have talked about this several times and I always veto it since our marriage is in such turmoil, we dont need anything else on top of it. The nephew quit school, has been smoking, is on meds for depression and anxiety, and hasnt had a job yet. His father is a functioning A, his mother is very good to him. Sooooo, he goes behind my back and does this!!! :wtf2
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
I wanted to agree with what Barb said. You need to find a better therapist.
Maybe individual counceling with someone who is has experience dealing with addiction.
I am sorry about the nephew situation. It is strange that it would be arrange with out all of the parents/people talking first. ((()))
Maybe individual counceling with someone who is has experience dealing with addiction.
I am sorry about the nephew situation. It is strange that it would be arrange with out all of the parents/people talking first. ((()))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by daisyjen 
Ok, just a few minutes ago AH 17 yr old troubled nephew who lives 2 hrs away walked in our door. Apparently, AH told him he could live with us and go to school here! We have talked about this several times and I always veto it since our marriage is in such turmoil, we dont need anything else on top of it. The nephew quit school, has been smoking, is on meds for depression and anxiety, and hasnt had a job yet. His father is a functioning A, his mother is very good to him. Sooooo, he goes behind my back and does this!!! :wtf2
So what do you intend to do about a situation you find unacceptable?
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 141
he used to say my arms were too flabby, my face pushed in, my feet were ugly.. oh but that was then, this is now... how to let go? And the groping! I have told him I dont like it, its revolting and disrespectful but that doesnt stop him.
AH told him he could live with us and go to school here! We have talked about this several times and I always veto it............Sooooo, he goes behind my back and does this!!!
You know, we cannot negotiate with those who do not have negotiate in their vocabulary. Sometimes, we have to decide where our dealbreakers lie. Have you figured out what your are?
Originally Posted by daisyjen
The counselor was also pretty harsh, telling me it was my duty to give him sex.
Last edited by karmakoma; 02-16-2008 at 06:20 PM. Reason: Addition
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
I am guessing....moving troubled nephew in is easier than working on the marriage. Nephew is a huge distraction from you and your husbands issues.
What will you do for yourself now that you know that your husband is not honoring your wishes or boundaries?
One thing I realized recently is that it is o.k. to shop around for a therapist that you and your husband are comfortable with. It seems like that process of looking for a therapist is easier than going through a divorce...that is...unless you want a divorce. Only you know.
Hope this helps.
How to find a good therapist
What will you do for yourself now that you know that your husband is not honoring your wishes or boundaries?
One thing I realized recently is that it is o.k. to shop around for a therapist that you and your husband are comfortable with. It seems like that process of looking for a therapist is easier than going through a divorce...that is...unless you want a divorce. Only you know.
Hope this helps.
How to find a good therapist
Getting Over It
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
Well, just what thought would happen, happened. On Sat, our neighbors daughter had a bonfire/party for her 15th bd. The whole youth group from our church was invited. Afterwards, 4 boys (plus my son and nephew) came to spend the night at our house. They played manhunt on our property a while and then came in for bed. I went to bed. About 3:30am I heard the door slam and went out to find my nephew and sons friend(who had come in to go to the bathroom) at the corner of our property with alcohol, one empty and the other one third gone. I sent them in the house but didnt say anything about the alcohol. The next morning, nephew denies it even happened to AH saying he only had cigs. "It mustve been one of the other boys". (He reeked of it, stumbled into the house and stuttered over his words. Duh!) But anyway, he went home before I got back from 8:15 service at church, a sign of guilt right there! AH's sister doesnt believe me since her son says no. I honestly cant believe my husband LET him leave in the condition he was. Thank God, he made it home safely. Thank God my son and the rest of the boys said no to peer pressure. I could strangle my nephew... and his mom...
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
Daisyjen I can imagine how frustrated you must feel. Often when we're directly involved in a situation lines are blurred, perception is distorted, we're confused about our feelings and our footing is so unsure. Happens to me all the time. But its so good we can come here and write it out and gain the perspective and insight of those who may have a fresh take on it. I'm really thankful for that and i'm thankful for your post.
It sucks when people decide to just do what they want. Alcoholics often do that. Your situation isn't being made any better by the nephew.
The devious side of me says you should take a week's vacation away from home and let them rot. However, I know this truly would not do any good but it felt good to type it....bwaaaahaaahaaaa
.
I like to experiment with human behavior, reactions and shock value. I would never do anything to hurt anyone, my experiments are innocent (mostly). See, alcoholics sort of expect us to act like we do. From what I understand we are predictable in certain situations with the alcoholic. So with all that's going on, wouldn't it be a kick in the pants to do exactly the opposite of what he thinks you're going to do??
For instance....if he gropes you then grope back and keep doing it. In fact, tie him to the bed and make him wonder what the hell you're gonna do to him!!
Please don't get me wrong, I do not mean to suggest ugly things but wouldn't it make him pay attention if you did something like that? I realize that you do not enjoy closeness with him, but he will notice that you've changed and from a scientific standpoint, you could rule out if he's groping to antagonize you for attention, etc.
As for the nephew, you can't really be risky with him b/c of his age. But i'll tell you what, you sure can put him to work while he's hungover. Really, aside from locking him in the closet you really can't stop him from drinking. If he really wants to do it, he will. I do not condone allowing a minor to drink and I really don't feel that's what you would be doing but wouldn't he think twice about crossing you if he was forced to wash all the vans, rake the yard and do the laundry while he's hungover? Hey, he's living in your home isn't he? And as for what your husband would say about that.....he probably won't oppose you much knowing that you have rope and you're not afraid to use it.
Now this could be considered risque, I know but I guess what i'm trying to demonstrate is taking a new approach to a situation that you really cannot control. You're changing your behavior and although you don't have to go quite that far, changing your reactions and attitudes will get results. It may take time, but the formula works!!
I just like to have a little fun with it........
It sucks when people decide to just do what they want. Alcoholics often do that. Your situation isn't being made any better by the nephew.
The devious side of me says you should take a week's vacation away from home and let them rot. However, I know this truly would not do any good but it felt good to type it....bwaaaahaaahaaaa
.I like to experiment with human behavior, reactions and shock value. I would never do anything to hurt anyone, my experiments are innocent (mostly). See, alcoholics sort of expect us to act like we do. From what I understand we are predictable in certain situations with the alcoholic. So with all that's going on, wouldn't it be a kick in the pants to do exactly the opposite of what he thinks you're going to do??
For instance....if he gropes you then grope back and keep doing it. In fact, tie him to the bed and make him wonder what the hell you're gonna do to him!!
Please don't get me wrong, I do not mean to suggest ugly things but wouldn't it make him pay attention if you did something like that? I realize that you do not enjoy closeness with him, but he will notice that you've changed and from a scientific standpoint, you could rule out if he's groping to antagonize you for attention, etc. As for the nephew, you can't really be risky with him b/c of his age. But i'll tell you what, you sure can put him to work while he's hungover. Really, aside from locking him in the closet you really can't stop him from drinking. If he really wants to do it, he will. I do not condone allowing a minor to drink and I really don't feel that's what you would be doing but wouldn't he think twice about crossing you if he was forced to wash all the vans, rake the yard and do the laundry while he's hungover? Hey, he's living in your home isn't he? And as for what your husband would say about that.....he probably won't oppose you much knowing that you have rope and you're not afraid to use it.
Now this could be considered risque, I know but I guess what i'm trying to demonstrate is taking a new approach to a situation that you really cannot control. You're changing your behavior and although you don't have to go quite that far, changing your reactions and attitudes will get results. It may take time, but the formula works!!
I just like to have a little fun with it........
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
"Daisyjen I can imagine how frustrated you must feel. Often when we're directly involved in a situation lines are blurred, perception is distorted, we're confused about our feelings and our footing is so unsure." ------I agree with this part.
I hope you can get some clarity on your situation and set some boundaries for yourself.
This situation with your nephew, IMHO...is a huge RED FLAG!!!!!!
You may have to make some quality decisions soon...if not for you...then for your nephews sake.
I hope you can get some clarity on your situation and set some boundaries for yourself.
This situation with your nephew, IMHO...is a huge RED FLAG!!!!!!
You may have to make some quality decisions soon...if not for you...then for your nephews sake.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi,
To add to finding an attorney...there are a few options. You can call the State Bar for your state and ask them to help you find a divorce attorney. Some will handle pro bono (free) divorces if they are uncontested (you both agree to the terms). However, many will only take on a pro bono divorce if there is a history of domestic violence involved. The point of pro bono work is to help those who can't afford representation, but it's been my experience that lawyers take on pro bono divorces only if there is some kind of danger.
Some other resources for finding an attorney are through the web. I would google divorce attorneys in your area and it should come up with several. It will also come up with websites that assist you in finding an attorney in your area if you can't find one through google alone.
Some law schools have programs in which they have law students supervised by attorneys do the divorce. The purpose is so the new attorney can learn and can help someone who is not able to afford representation. We didn't have a program like this at my law school, but a friend of mine handled many uncontested divorces while he was in law school.
Also, there are many women and children organizations out there that may be able to point you in the right direction. I worked with a non-profit while in law school and they can be a great resource, even if they can't provide you with representation. It seems most attorneys know someone who may know someone else that can help.
In the meantime, take care of yourself. Sorry you are in so much pain. I've been there as well and know it's hard.
Hope this helps!
To add to finding an attorney...there are a few options. You can call the State Bar for your state and ask them to help you find a divorce attorney. Some will handle pro bono (free) divorces if they are uncontested (you both agree to the terms). However, many will only take on a pro bono divorce if there is a history of domestic violence involved. The point of pro bono work is to help those who can't afford representation, but it's been my experience that lawyers take on pro bono divorces only if there is some kind of danger.
Some other resources for finding an attorney are through the web. I would google divorce attorneys in your area and it should come up with several. It will also come up with websites that assist you in finding an attorney in your area if you can't find one through google alone.
Some law schools have programs in which they have law students supervised by attorneys do the divorce. The purpose is so the new attorney can learn and can help someone who is not able to afford representation. We didn't have a program like this at my law school, but a friend of mine handled many uncontested divorces while he was in law school.
Also, there are many women and children organizations out there that may be able to point you in the right direction. I worked with a non-profit while in law school and they can be a great resource, even if they can't provide you with representation. It seems most attorneys know someone who may know someone else that can help.
In the meantime, take care of yourself. Sorry you are in so much pain. I've been there as well and know it's hard.
Hope this helps!
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