DMPA

i hope this doesn't sound dumb but i was looking for insight from you all. my boyfriend has been in recovery for over a year and is doing great...there are times, though, that when he starts to get upset or angry, he will stop himself..i mean, literally, stop; sometimes in mid-sentence, and say something like "tomorrow will be better", "i'm sorry for behaving that way", or nothing..just be quiet. well...i think that's good....seems like he's getting a grip on ??himself? his feelings?...the problem is that the majority of the time, he doesn't go back to the subject that we were discussing or he was talking about when he started to get upset. he says he doesn't want to talk about it...i am worried that he is not resolving anything..he's just avoiding the conflict. in the past, his way of "dealing" with things was drinking, drugging...

cagefree

I used to worry about XABF's recovery - letting go is hard to do, but less difficult when I'm totally focused on myself.

Are you going to Al-Anon?

DMPA

not yet...i've been doing everything (reading books, forums, msg boards) BUT going to f2f meetings. i live in a small town and our situation has been "controversial" so it's been hard for me to get the courage to go.

Growing

"in the past, his way of "dealing" with things was drinking, drugging..."

Glad he isn't drinking or drugging!

I had to let go and figure my mom, the A, was working her program to the best of her ability...she is still annoying...don't get me wrong...but she has been sober for 11yrs...so something is working!

I had to trust that my mom knew how to work her program. If it seems like he is "stuffing" his feelings, then maybe that is what he needs to do right now...at least he seems to think so.

I had to just be supportive to and for my mom from a relative distance...that was detachment with love, for me.

You have choices. Have you considered counseling? For yourself, alone or couples counseling?

I know this doesn't help...but I felt the same way you did when I went to my first alanon meeting. Going to my first alanon meeting was the hardest thing I have done so far in my recovery. I am not going to lie to you. I wasn't convinced until, like, my 6th meeting.

I too was from a very small town. My family knew, on a personal level, the local cops and judges, ect. Even more of the "great citizens" of my town...that I don't want to get into right now... some were relatives and some were family friends..some my family knew of, not for good reasons.

So you can imagine what I thought about going to meetings. Well, I did it and 11yrs later...it is still the best decision I have made.

I actually didn't see anybody I knew. But there was one woman there who knew my mom. She didn't know what was going on at my house...but she was there because her alcoholic husband beat her every single day for like, 20yrs or longer. There was one cop there also...and I was very intimidated by her at first...Her husband was an A also...and beat her repeatedly. A cop! A very intimidating cop...who wore her uniform to the meeting...because she was getting off duty at the same time the meeting started!

Alcoholism has a way of leveling the playing field. We were all in this together. These two women became like, second mothers, to me and my sister.

DMPA

thanks so much for your responses...i think the answer, at this point, is to make myself go to a meeting. you are all wonderful. this is the first time in a long time i don't feel alone.