jehnifer

I fear I am losing perspective. About how I am supposed to feel and respond to my husband. My RAH seems to get mad at me over something about every other day. He gets angry about something, expresses his dissatisfaciton at whatever I did or didn't do right, then shifts into the silent treatment (his way of punishing me I guess). Trivial things mostly but its really wearing me down and I am building up resentments. I usually listen, apologize and respond nicely - very even tempered. I have learned to not engage in an argument and use the technique of removing myself from the situation until it passess, usually by the next day. Then he acts all normal again. And I tell myself Well, he is sick or unhappy with himself, or whatever. But my struggle is the growing resentment about the way he treats me, and that I don't ever call him on his stuff. And I feel sometimes like I am doing him and myself a disservice by just letting things roll off my back. As if its OK or expected. My nature isnt the type to spout off when he starts his stuff up. I am becoming hardened and unemotional to him and his emotions. When I drive home from work I have fear about not knowing if he will upset about something or just fine. And in cases where he is not upset about something I feel untrusting of him, and not so warm toward him - even though I go through the motions of being nice to him. My delimma is Am I doing the wrong thing for myself by basically trying to ignore his anger and attitudes? Should I just continue to detach from his anger and emotions and go get busy on something for myself? Its the growing resentment thats really hard for me. And part of me is tempted to blow up at him and say Hey I am sick and tired of you picking at me for this or that and this isnt how a relationship should work and how would you feel of I got mad at you every other day ? THanks for listening to me vent and I welcome any persectives on this.

LaTeeDa

You seem to be saying the only choices you have are 1)ignoring it or 2)blowing up. How about setting a boundary? Something like "If you are upset over something I've done, let's talk rationally about it. If you speak to me disrespectfully, I will leave the room until we can discuss it calmly."

L

Barbara52

Why is disrepectful, nasty behavior to be tolerated just because he's in recovery?

hope2bhappy

We don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. I think LTD has a very good suggestion.

FormerDoormat

I think this is a good plan in theory, but if this were a frequent occurrence and I needed to constantly deal with my partner's moodiness to keep the peace in my home then I'm still settling for less than I deserve. For me the only permanent solution was to end the relationship. Now I get exactly what I deserve: a peaceful and happy life.

cagefree

Now, isn't that what REAL recovery is all about?

spinner

Hi Jehnifer

My RABF and I were discussing a similar situation with our counsellor in couples counselling just this morning! BF gets upset about something trivial and gets angry, demanding etc. I usually respond to him by doing what he demands, apoogizing etc. but I too get resentful. And sometimes I blow up and tell him he is being unreasonable which just gets him more angry.

Our consellor suggested that if he is angry and demands something unreasonable that I ignore him or quietly disagree but don't get into it with him then. Later on the same day I should come back to the topic and discuss with him how we can compromise. BF usually gets over being angry quickly so he can discuss thing rationally later. If I don't talk about stuff I can remain upset by his anger for a long time, upset enough that I think about breaking up with him.

I identify with your feeling of fear about not knowing if he will be upset about something. I have learned that I am afraid of anger, having grown up in a family that didn't express strong emotions. When my BF gets angry it really makes me scared and want to run away. In his family anger was expressed and normal. He gets angry but it soon passes.

Boy, this relationship stuff is really hard!! When my BF got sober almost a year ago I thought things would be easy but it's harder now because we're actually dealing with things instead of him running off and drinking and me running off and worrying/crying.

Good luck and I'd be interested to know how things develop with you.

Spinner

Pick-a-name

Sounds like a typical day when AH still lived here with us. Thanks for reminding me why he does not,anymore (since he wanted to continue to drink).

Out of curiosity, (not that you can do anything about his recovery) is he really working on his recovery or just "dry".

denny57

When you say he is recovering, is he working any sort of program or getting support?

jehnifer

Thank you everyone for your responses. I know this problem isnt nearly as dire as some I read about here on the site. But it is comforting to hear that others too find this situation a challenge. Spinner I too grew up in a home where emotions weren't expressed or dealt with, so while it may be healthy for my RAH to "express" his feelings I need to accept his right to speak up when he wants to, and my deal really is how do "I" react or respond and NOT get all upset where it consumes me and ruins my day. I too think about wanting to run away from it rather than have a confrontation. But it is a good idea to resume talks later when the anger has died down a bit. If I could only get over that fear.

But also I don't want to find myself giving in merely to keep the peace. I have got to establish in my own mind my boundaries and what is acceptable to me in what he is angry about or what he wants me to do. I should not be trying to conform to his expectations of me if it goes against my own style or values.

Your alls question about is HE working a progrem or just dry... The answer is no he is not workinig the program. Therin lies one of the biggest problems I see in our dynamic. I am putting forth alot of effort to help myself on a day to day basis and change where I need to, yet he is operating as he always has only now he is dry. What would incent him to want to change his ways and behave differently? I don't think I have the answer to that question.

Thansk and HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

Barbara52

Only you can decide what boundaries and consequences concerning his behaviors your are willing to set. Perhaps discussing this with a therapist individulally might help you do this?

FormerDoormat

A relationship where one partner does all the work is not a relationship at all. What does your partner bring to the table?