When they want to be "just friends"
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
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When they want to be "just friends"
Recently I was asked about my thoughts on the topic of a relationship ending .... and they say "I just want to be friends."
I personally have trouble with this one. Its not that I dont love and care about the person... but when a romantic relationship ends I just cant go from being that close to another... to being just friends, there is a soul bond that exist between myself and my partner that is not there when Im friends with another... in fact Im not sure its the physical because I have been "friends with benefits" and not had that problem.
There are two thoughts going on in my head... One is that...When a relationship ends and I still have extreemly strong feelings for them I need the space and time away to mourn ... otherwise I will continue to try to make them "want me" and the sad part is that my actions are pathic.... I will go to what ever lengths necessar to make the relationship work and when I do that not only do they loose respect for me .... worse I loose respect. I also cant seperate if they are around me all the time.... so for me the only way is no contact.
Second thing is ... when I try to be friends with an ex that I still want a relationship with I tend to give them all the "perks" that they had when they were in the relationship.... so what would be their inspiriation to correct the problems or even miss me. What is true for me is that in my last relationship I wanted more then anything for it to work... and I started to compromise myself to keep the relationship together. I accepted behavior that was unacceptable to me and that is a huge problem. The relationship ended when he stepped over the boundry that he knew I could not ignore....
It took all of me to stick to the boundry and respect myself enough to end that relationship. I happen to be what I call an "Indian" mourning too so I can be pretty self destructive when Im in that much pain... but I did it anyway. Now dont take me wrong, this is an amazing guy and in the past I would hae not batted an eyelash at what happened and kept dating him hoping for the best and knowing it was not there. So we ended and I died a little.... after 2 1/2 months he contacted me saying he wanted what we had. Today we are dating again and I feel he has a hole new respect for me.... and because I honestly gave it to God ... Im much stronger in our relationship today.
The point is I gave him the time he needed to figure out what he wanted and let him miss me. He has told me that I could not have responded any better then to respect myself ... I think it gives them reason to respect me as well. Not to mention that I went no contact (anything less was hell) and it gave him the time he needed to "miss me" and really think it through.
SO .... Friends with an ex???? For me it is yes..... but at first its no contact, lots of time and then only in degrees that are healthy for me.... I also dont accept manuplation from the ex either.
Hope this helps and also that more people post and make sense of this issue.
I personally have trouble with this one. Its not that I dont love and care about the person... but when a romantic relationship ends I just cant go from being that close to another... to being just friends, there is a soul bond that exist between myself and my partner that is not there when Im friends with another... in fact Im not sure its the physical because I have been "friends with benefits" and not had that problem.
There are two thoughts going on in my head... One is that...When a relationship ends and I still have extreemly strong feelings for them I need the space and time away to mourn ... otherwise I will continue to try to make them "want me" and the sad part is that my actions are pathic.... I will go to what ever lengths necessar to make the relationship work and when I do that not only do they loose respect for me .... worse I loose respect. I also cant seperate if they are around me all the time.... so for me the only way is no contact.
Second thing is ... when I try to be friends with an ex that I still want a relationship with I tend to give them all the "perks" that they had when they were in the relationship.... so what would be their inspiriation to correct the problems or even miss me. What is true for me is that in my last relationship I wanted more then anything for it to work... and I started to compromise myself to keep the relationship together. I accepted behavior that was unacceptable to me and that is a huge problem. The relationship ended when he stepped over the boundry that he knew I could not ignore....
It took all of me to stick to the boundry and respect myself enough to end that relationship. I happen to be what I call an "Indian" mourning too so I can be pretty self destructive when Im in that much pain... but I did it anyway. Now dont take me wrong, this is an amazing guy and in the past I would hae not batted an eyelash at what happened and kept dating him hoping for the best and knowing it was not there. So we ended and I died a little.... after 2 1/2 months he contacted me saying he wanted what we had. Today we are dating again and I feel he has a hole new respect for me.... and because I honestly gave it to God ... Im much stronger in our relationship today.
The point is I gave him the time he needed to figure out what he wanted and let him miss me. He has told me that I could not have responded any better then to respect myself ... I think it gives them reason to respect me as well. Not to mention that I went no contact (anything less was hell) and it gave him the time he needed to "miss me" and really think it through.
SO .... Friends with an ex???? For me it is yes..... but at first its no contact, lots of time and then only in degrees that are healthy for me.... I also dont accept manuplation from the ex either.
Hope this helps and also that more people post and make sense of this issue.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
I tried being friends - didn't work for me.
His feelings were that if he couldn't have me and drink too that he would try to have me as a friend...and drink too. Being deep in the grips of my codependency I put myself in that situation. However, once I realized what he was doing and how expendable I was, there was no going back (to a friendship or even as an acquaintence).
His feelings were that if he couldn't have me and drink too that he would try to have me as a friend...and drink too. Being deep in the grips of my codependency I put myself in that situation. However, once I realized what he was doing and how expendable I was, there was no going back (to a friendship or even as an acquaintence).
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Join Date: Aug 2004
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Happy for you sweets 
I have been able to maintain being friends with 2 X's and I think that was because we had such a great friendship before the realtionship began-
For me I feel being friends with an X would depend on the situation between us-and how it ended. Very tuff one for me!
Cynay all the best to you!
I have been able to maintain being friends with 2 X's and I think that was because we had such a great friendship before the realtionship began-
For me I feel being friends with an X would depend on the situation between us-and how it ended. Very tuff one for me!
Cynay all the best to you!
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
I remember someone saying to me, 'how can you just drop them? If you were that close?'
But I have had to, otherwise I was doing all the things you say Cynay. Hoping for more again. In fact I wouldnt let myself be real friends with the opposite sex for a long time because I tended to fall in love. I am a soft ass.
I have always made friends easily with women though. Now, some of my best friends are women and we have dropped the 'potentiality' aspect...well...except for one.
But I have had to, otherwise I was doing all the things you say Cynay. Hoping for more again. In fact I wouldnt let myself be real friends with the opposite sex for a long time because I tended to fall in love. I am a soft ass.
I have always made friends easily with women though. Now, some of my best friends are women and we have dropped the 'potentiality' aspect...well...except for one.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
This “just friends” thing does not seem to ever work for anyone I know.
I do think women feel differently about it sometimes though.
Ive met many women who have “guy” friends where they had something more going with them.
But very rarely do you see a guy with a whole group of women that had something with.
Jealously does come into play somewhere down the road no matter how much you say you could handle it.
It would be nice to think that you could her about their new loves, but to tell you the truth it gets kind of creepy there after awhile.
Nope, my vote says no.
Once you cross that line, there is no turning back to “just friends”.
I do think women feel differently about it sometimes though.
Ive met many women who have “guy” friends where they had something more going with them.
But very rarely do you see a guy with a whole group of women that had something with.
Jealously does come into play somewhere down the road no matter how much you say you could handle it.
It would be nice to think that you could her about their new loves, but to tell you the truth it gets kind of creepy there after awhile.
Nope, my vote says no.
Once you cross that line, there is no turning back to “just friends”.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Atlanta GA
Posts: 38
My exah wants us to be friends too. But I don't think I need/want to. He never respected my boundaries or wants and needs when he was my husband....I don't imagine he would as a friend either. I am trying hard to grow and change...he isn't and I don't want to get sucked into his world any more. It is hard to sever the bonds of attachment and maybe I never will all the way, but I have forgiven him, asked his forgiveness for my wrongs and I'm ready to move on. Maryanne
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 89
Hi all -
I'm in the midst of this, and I'm really feeling torn into pieces. In my case, it's my ACOA husband of 23 years - we've been separated for a year - who wants to now be just friends. We have 28 years of baggage and two sons, and we never were "just friends" - we started with a date.
I try so hard to look at what he's doing - and what we do to each other - how we can't be even close to healthy together right now, and tell myself that I need to cut off contact with him. I feel deep inside that at least right now, I can't be "just friends" - and quite possibly that can't ever come, although with our sons, we will always have some relationship to negotiate. Of course, all of this is complicated by the limbo we live in - that our teen sons live at home & we are not really divorced or fully separate but not together either.
It's the codie feelings that draw me in when he tells me how much he's damaged, and it's the codie feelings - I think - that make me feel like a failure when I start to be strong and try to close him out of my heart. I'm in the midst of the intellectual knowing that I can't love him enough for him to love himself, but the emotional pull that I don't want to let him go b/c I keep feeling like I've "given up."
Writing all of this, I hear me and I read what you wrote at the beginning , Cynay, and I think I can see how much I have lost my own self respect. I know that being friends with my pstbxH can't come without loving myself, at the very least, and I'm trying... but it hurts like all get out. I know, too, that if I can't give him space or find a way to make space for me, neither will he ever decide to come back nor will I find the strength to embrace myself and potentially move into a healthy and truly loving relationship - with or without my H.
Bleah. If only my head could talk more directly to my heart, and my heart could learn to just detach!
Uncertain me
I'm in the midst of this, and I'm really feeling torn into pieces. In my case, it's my ACOA husband of 23 years - we've been separated for a year - who wants to now be just friends. We have 28 years of baggage and two sons, and we never were "just friends" - we started with a date.
I try so hard to look at what he's doing - and what we do to each other - how we can't be even close to healthy together right now, and tell myself that I need to cut off contact with him. I feel deep inside that at least right now, I can't be "just friends" - and quite possibly that can't ever come, although with our sons, we will always have some relationship to negotiate. Of course, all of this is complicated by the limbo we live in - that our teen sons live at home & we are not really divorced or fully separate but not together either.
It's the codie feelings that draw me in when he tells me how much he's damaged, and it's the codie feelings - I think - that make me feel like a failure when I start to be strong and try to close him out of my heart. I'm in the midst of the intellectual knowing that I can't love him enough for him to love himself, but the emotional pull that I don't want to let him go b/c I keep feeling like I've "given up."
Writing all of this, I hear me and I read what you wrote at the beginning , Cynay, and I think I can see how much I have lost my own self respect. I know that being friends with my pstbxH can't come without loving myself, at the very least, and I'm trying... but it hurts like all get out. I know, too, that if I can't give him space or find a way to make space for me, neither will he ever decide to come back nor will I find the strength to embrace myself and potentially move into a healthy and truly loving relationship - with or without my H.
Bleah. If only my head could talk more directly to my heart, and my heart could learn to just detach!
Uncertain me
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
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GREAT post cnay.
For me, the "just friends" thing is nothing more than a cop out, and a way to keep me hanging on.
I am glad things worked out for you the way they did.
You proved what a little self respect can do.
For me, the "just friends" thing is nothing more than a cop out, and a way to keep me hanging on.
I am glad things worked out for you the way they did.
You proved what a little self respect can do.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
My exAH of basically 30y said we would "always be together and best friends" when he told me he was divorcing me. (what?!) I told him that I did not see how that would work for me and I doubted I'd be able to do that. He seemed shocked when I said that.
I really don't think he "gets" a lot of things these days. He's in his lalaland....
I really don't think he "gets" a lot of things these days. He's in his lalaland....
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 6
So what do you do if you're the new one (10 months) and are dealing the the reappearance of a former that your RABF has told you "we're only friends" (1+ year of their breakup)....but you know V'Day cards/small gifts were exchanged......
I'm friends with old BFs but this one is hitting me hard right now. He thinks things are great. I don't because I don't trust the situation.
I'm friends with old BFs but this one is hitting me hard right now. He thinks things are great. I don't because I don't trust the situation.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Depends on your definition of "friend".
To me, a friendship is where both people give equally to the relationship. It's a two way street, with each one doing their best for the other. Together, we grow our friendship stronger, healthier and enjoyable.
To me, a relationship is the result of a friendship that has done that growing, that has become stronger and healthier. A relationship is a friendship that has grown so deep it has reached a different level.
When a relationship ends, for whatever reason, I go back to what we had _before_ the relationship. With those women that I was friends _before_ the relationship, we went back to being friends. Today those women are my deepest, closest friends, and they will be forever.
My ex-wife did the "let's be friends" speech when she told me she wanted me out of her life because I was interfering with her three affairs. I cannot be friends with a woman who willingly has affairs with married men. She is participating in the destruction of another persons marriage. I don't want to be involved with people like that. My ex-wife didn't really want to be friends with me, she was just trying to manipulate me into being some kind of "sugar-daddy" for her while she ran around. Her use of the word "friends" was just the "quaking" of an addict.
If some day my ex gets recovery, gets off the pain pills she's addicted to, quits the running around and makes her ammends to those people.... well then she would become a very different person from what she is today. Who knows? Maybe there would be enough left of the woman I once knew that perhaps I would be comfortable building a new friendship with her. But it would be a very _new_ friendship, there's a mountain of broken trust that would have to be healed.
I have a new life today, and lots of new friends and I'm even dating a charming young lady. I don't know that I would want to go into the past to work on a mountain of broken trust. Why bother? I have a life to live today and a future to look forward to.
Mike
To me, a friendship is where both people give equally to the relationship. It's a two way street, with each one doing their best for the other. Together, we grow our friendship stronger, healthier and enjoyable.
To me, a relationship is the result of a friendship that has done that growing, that has become stronger and healthier. A relationship is a friendship that has grown so deep it has reached a different level.
When a relationship ends, for whatever reason, I go back to what we had _before_ the relationship. With those women that I was friends _before_ the relationship, we went back to being friends. Today those women are my deepest, closest friends, and they will be forever.
My ex-wife did the "let's be friends" speech when she told me she wanted me out of her life because I was interfering with her three affairs. I cannot be friends with a woman who willingly has affairs with married men. She is participating in the destruction of another persons marriage. I don't want to be involved with people like that. My ex-wife didn't really want to be friends with me, she was just trying to manipulate me into being some kind of "sugar-daddy" for her while she ran around. Her use of the word "friends" was just the "quaking" of an addict.
If some day my ex gets recovery, gets off the pain pills she's addicted to, quits the running around and makes her ammends to those people.... well then she would become a very different person from what she is today. Who knows? Maybe there would be enough left of the woman I once knew that perhaps I would be comfortable building a new friendship with her. But it would be a very _new_ friendship, there's a mountain of broken trust that would have to be healed.
I have a new life today, and lots of new friends and I'm even dating a charming young lady. I don't know that I would want to go into the past to work on a mountain of broken trust. Why bother? I have a life to live today and a future to look forward to.
Mike
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 53
my experience is that the "be friends" deal is the alcoholic trying to keep one foot in and one foot out..
they are again ..sitting on that fence...and attempting to manipulate and keep us on their hook......"just in case" ...sort of like a security blanket.
hoping we will accept their terms of "friends"...
The alcoholic wanted his 'space" and also wanted to be friends ..and i told him
NO WAY!!
IMO he cant have his cake and eat it too.
i did what was hard but best for me...no contact...no "friends".
His choice was he needed space..and my choice was i could not accept being friends.
they are again ..sitting on that fence...and attempting to manipulate and keep us on their hook......"just in case" ...sort of like a security blanket.
hoping we will accept their terms of "friends"...
The alcoholic wanted his 'space" and also wanted to be friends ..and i told him
NO WAY!!
IMO he cant have his cake and eat it too.
i did what was hard but best for me...no contact...no "friends".
His choice was he needed space..and my choice was i could not accept being friends.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
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Very interesting post.
For me, as most of you know, my exabf came to me wanting to be "friends" after a long 4th of July weekend away with his EX secretly, cheating on me. I told him that "friends" don't do that and i have enough "friends" thank you. It was a total cop out and leaving the door open. That's just my opinion for my situation but i know friends that have remained friendly with ex's. Not this chick!!!
For me, as most of you know, my exabf came to me wanting to be "friends" after a long 4th of July weekend away with his EX secretly, cheating on me. I told him that "friends" don't do that and i have enough "friends" thank you. It was a total cop out and leaving the door open. That's just my opinion for my situation but i know friends that have remained friendly with ex's. Not this chick!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Birmingham, Alabama
Posts: 44
The way I see it, after all my STBXAH has done to me and my kids, I wouldn't dare choose him as a friend. He has no respect for us and has literally tossed us to the side. Why would I want a friend or anything for that matter to be in our life. I just wish there was a way I could deny him everything. Guess I am still too angry to answer this question. LOL
Melissa
Melissa
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 53
Another thought on why the alcoholic might want to stay "friends"..imo..
its their way of seeing themselves as this stand up person...this "good guy.gal
who still can maintain the illusion that they are still the "nice" guy.
But as someone on here previously posted...
why would we want to be friends with them???
afterall...they are the ones who "threw us under the bus!"
that friends thing..is just to ease their guilt , if they have any , and to make them feel better about themselves..
again, its about THEM..and their comfort and their needs..
NOT OURS.
its their way of seeing themselves as this stand up person...this "good guy.gal
who still can maintain the illusion that they are still the "nice" guy.
But as someone on here previously posted...
why would we want to be friends with them???
afterall...they are the ones who "threw us under the bus!"
that friends thing..is just to ease their guilt , if they have any , and to make them feel better about themselves..
again, its about THEM..and their comfort and their needs..
NOT OURS.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
All really good posts.... Thank you everyone for your experience, strength and hope.
BTW... I did hear some concern in some of the posts and .... no, my current relationship is fine and growing stronger every day so not to worry.
Today what works for me is much different then what worked when I was in my early recovery. I also know myself well enough now to know when Im just being selfish. There was a guy once that I "tried" to date and just did not have the chemistry with to actually become close to... he was a great guy and from all intent and purpose would have been a perfect fit for me. When I told him that we were never going to be a couple, that all I could offer was friends... well we spent the next 5 years making each other misserable and I will admit... he was the guy in my "back pocket".
Yep... the one that you run too when another guy has hurt you or your not dating anyone and want a fuss made over you. There was a time in my life when I saw nothing wrong with that... heck I was honest and told him that I did not want a relationship right? How wrong of me and selfish. I have male friends today and I can honestly say that Im "friends" with most of my ex's. However, there has always been a period of distance before a friendship was possible ... and there are only a couple that I could say they I respect and want a semi close friendship with. Most of the time when a relationship ends there is little respect left and that is something I need today in all my relationships.... Trust and respect.
BTW... I did hear some concern in some of the posts and .... no, my current relationship is fine and growing stronger every day so not to worry.
Today what works for me is much different then what worked when I was in my early recovery. I also know myself well enough now to know when Im just being selfish. There was a guy once that I "tried" to date and just did not have the chemistry with to actually become close to... he was a great guy and from all intent and purpose would have been a perfect fit for me. When I told him that we were never going to be a couple, that all I could offer was friends... well we spent the next 5 years making each other misserable and I will admit... he was the guy in my "back pocket".
Yep... the one that you run too when another guy has hurt you or your not dating anyone and want a fuss made over you. There was a time in my life when I saw nothing wrong with that... heck I was honest and told him that I did not want a relationship right? How wrong of me and selfish. I have male friends today and I can honestly say that Im "friends" with most of my ex's. However, there has always been a period of distance before a friendship was possible ... and there are only a couple that I could say they I respect and want a semi close friendship with. Most of the time when a relationship ends there is little respect left and that is something I need today in all my relationships.... Trust and respect.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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When I end a relationship, or should I say when a relationship ends, it usually because there is some fundamental issue of disrespect or mistrust.
That sort of rules out friendship right there. I'd rather keep all of my friendships clean, respectful, and relaxed......
And of course, usually when someone says "let's just be friends" they are simply saying it to soothe their own guilt. I don't need that kind of charity, thanks
That sort of rules out friendship right there. I'd rather keep all of my friendships clean, respectful, and relaxed......
And of course, usually when someone says "let's just be friends" they are simply saying it to soothe their own guilt. I don't need that kind of charity, thanks
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