Shivaya

My AH and I had a good discussion this evening. We both admitted that we are no longer in love, that we've grown so far apart, and each clearly not happy with one another.

He has lots of problems with me. Besides not being in love, he's also not attracted to me, feels I am controlling, not nurturing and I'm not sure what else. He has cut back on his drinking this last month, and he says he feels the way he does whether he is sober or not. He has never shared these feelings with me before.

I have one problem with him. I do not like him when he drinks. I am not attracted to him when he drinks. I do not like the things he says/does when he is drinking. I am attracted to him, and I like the man that he is, when he's not under the influence.

We've both decided that we will continue with counseling, working on ourselves and try to see if we can "come back together" and make this marriage work.

I am so sad that we have never discussed this before (in 19 years!), at least not to this degree, how is this possible? How stupid are we to have let it go this long, and not addressed it? I'm not expecting answers to these questions.

I know that if he all of a sudden admitted to his problem with alcohol, and even decided to get professional help to stop his drinking, that our marriage would still be in shambles. It is not his alcoholism that has caused our marriage to get this bad, but I do think it has played a big part in the distance that has come between us. How could it not?

I am tired, and so so sad......

Shivaya

hope2bhappy

I'm very sorry to hear this. The disease of alcoholism brings out the worst in everyone, including ourselves. I pray that someday he might finally see this. Continue to work on yourself and your recovery, and remember that we are nowhere in life by accident. (((hugs)))

Daisy30

souds like a step in the right direction.
Remeber you are a wonderful person worthy of love:-)

DramaQueenLucy

The realization that it is the end of a relationship is always hard but from my experience it can be the first step to really accepting your own feelings and learning to love yourself.

best

He only gave you the short list I see.

I gave my wife my list and did so in a controled calm manner.
She sat there and listened to my every word and then in fairness(in my twisted thoughts), I then asked her...
Now it is your turn ...what do I need to work on and improve about me?

Her reply had me with my head spinning and left me without words.

I am sure she was holding back the pain and heartache I just dished out to her but she held her recovery tools in perfect manner and just said...

"At this moment...I can't think of one thing."

She Turn the other cheek and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

We separated. I found recovery. We got back together and celebrated our 25th...together.
The past 7 years have been the best seven years of our whole marriage.
Hold your boundaries and pray.
I pray that he finds his answers and recovery and that you both can have the same joy I have found.

Give yourself a hug. You deserve it.

melbar4

Shivaya,
I am so sorry you are hurting. I can honestly say I relate. My STBXAH told me he would always love me but just can't live with me anymore. I too know that the root is his alcohol but I also realize the way I dealt with it didn't help either. I wish I knew then what I have learned now.
My heart goes out to you. Keep with your recovery. There is always hope, whether you go it alone or he gets better and realizes the truth. There is always hope!
******{HUGS}}}}
Melissa

DESIGNER

Wow I had to check and make sure I didn't write this sentence. Besides the STBXAH it is the XAB it sounded like my situation. He loves me but just can't live with me. Yes we may not have DEALT with it in the best situation but jeeez we deserve a break....it is not like there were classes in highschool and college on how to handle a alcoholic relationship.
When we first broke up I blamed myself for being too crazy and upset all the time....I have learned though that even if I was not like that he still would have found a reason to drink. Ha I even tried being calm and collect the second time around thinking that it would help the situation....nope still drank. IT DOES NOT MATTER. The only bad thing about acting that way(crazy and upset) is that it puts a lot of stress on our bodies and that is not healthy!

DESIGNER

Turning the other cheek and not blaming the other person is a VERY hard thing to do....I would like to shake your wife's hand. I am learning day by day to be more like that but I still have day's of weakness where I want him to see how bad he has hurt me and how damaged I am on the inside because of all this. Just goes to show with your situation that sometimes turning the other cheek and walking away is the best possible gift that codependents can give to the alcoholic in their life.

Think that I will keep on trying to turn the other cheek.

Congratulations on finding recovery best and being able to save your marriage. It gives us all hope on here.