nowinsituation

I don't know what is wrong with me. I have been through months of major conflict and upheaval (separating from AH, moving twice, filing for divorce, and surviving the holidays). Not fun, I did what I had to do and somehow held myself together. Today, I am tearing up at the slightest annoyance and inconvenience. I know it's got to be some sort of delayed emotional reaction or something; and I just want to stuff myself with chocolate or curl up and cry (or both). I was just on the phone with my insurance company to resolve a routine issue with customer service, and I was feeling SO frustrated I almost had a complete meltdown. At the end of the conversation the poor rep asked if there was anything else he could help me with; and I started laughing and said "I wish". I'm sure he thinks I'm nuts!! I have been like this all day, so I want to an Alanon meeting this noon. It helped somewhat, but that has "worn off" already and I am right back to unstable again now. Anyone else ever go through this, and any thoughts on how to get through it?

Growing

"I don't know what is wrong with me. I have been through months of major conflict and upheaval (separating from AH, moving twice, filing for divorce, and surviving the holidays). Not fun, I did what I had to do and somehow held myself together. Today, I am tearing up at the slightest annoyance and inconvenience. I know it's got to be some sort of delayed emotional reaction or something"

I was just reading everything you have been through in such a relatively short period of time. You must be grieving. I know this doesn't help....but it is healthy....it sucks that we have to say goodbye to so many things but, we can only "stuff it" for so long before it catches up with us.

Just know we are here for you.

Barbara52

I've done the same thing at various times. Its normal, especially when you are going thru so many changes, so much pain, so much stress. It kinda just bleeds out a little at unexpected moments. It happens less and less as time goes by.

Shivaya

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are human and you are experiencing human emotions.

Let them out. Cry like you've never cried before. Let it flow.

I know exactly how you feel. I'm feeling the same way the last 2 days. When acquaintances say "How are You", rather than the typical "good!", I have to hold back tears while I say "okay".

I was at the bank today, and for some reason had a difficult time getting my paperwork/i.d./stuff together to present the teller. I became very frustrated with myself, and kind of said in a low voice to myself "come on, get it together".

This perfect stranger standing behind me who witnessed the whole thing, said "It's okay, it's going to get better". And with that, I really wanted to cry. But I did not.

That stranger was nicer and more compassionate to me in those 2 minutes than my AH ever is. That sucks!

I wanted to hug him because I am so desperate for some positive, caring, compassionate words (which I do get from my friends) from a MAN. Preferably from my AH, but I admit I am getting desperate.....

Shivaya

nowinsituation

Thanks everyone -- feeling a little better anyway. At least I recognize that the things that appear to be upsetting me are not the real issues. In the middle of this a friend called and invited me to a "spa" party next week, facials and foot massages!!! Something to look forward to.

Shivaya - I know what you mean. I've been feeling really sorry for myself. For years it seems there has been NO ONE there for me; NO ONE has my back. But, I felt like I had to be Hercules and hold up the world for everyone else. Can't there be just one special person in my life that I could turn to when I am down? When you are married that is supposed to be your partner, right. I can't even remember the last time that happened.

denny57

Yes, I have felt and done the same. What has been a great comfort to me is the help I receive professionally. Both my gp and psych are there to say to me: this is normal. I never knew that!

gjfc3

I had one myself just last week...so many emotions and simply no outlet...the absolute worst feeling in the world!

I don't know if this will help you, but I grabbed my fave sob movie "Steel Magnolias" and cried like a lunatic. I have begun labeling my icky days as "a Day"...sick I know...but it seems if I indulge myself in a cry that is completely unrelated to the chaos in my head I am able to move thru the emotions more quickly. I can then analyze my raw emotions on a different day when I don't feel like I am in the twilight zone.

Hang in there nowinsit...biggest hugs to you!!'

g

AWEDA

Sometimes I just don't want to be strong anymore,I want my Mom to come over and just hold me and let me cry. We have kept it together for so long,one day somethings gotta give. We are entitled to have meltdowns too.It's hard to always be the "strong one".

Lilyflower

Oh yeah! I have just had a bout of this myself on and off for a week or so, and to be honest things are better for me now than how they have been in the past. I spoke to my therapist on Wed and told her that I sometimes just want to pull the duvet over my head stuff with goodies and ignore the world, and she told me to do it! I was so suprised! I have always thought that I was failing by letting myself 'give in' to those feelings. I'm only just learning that it's ok to feel and behave that way. Sometimes things just get that way and we need a time out. Pamper our souls and re centre.
I have been thinking that in times of hardship, I find that I don't buckle. I keep firm, keep focused and don't become too emotional. Its my way of coping with all the mess that I'm dealing with, and also that I set myself standards of perfection to live up to, because I don't want to 'fail'. I guess that by bottling up all my frustrations that way just means that when my guard is down I reconnect with my emotions and they all come flooding out at once. Kind of building up a dam, and then breaking it down.

Recently I have been edgy over everything, getting upset because I couldn't find the clothes I wanted to wear that day and other silly things. I just sit down for a moment (1 minute or 30 depending on how long it takes) and just unwind. I find the voice in my head tells me negative things when I'm stressed and I spend the time listening to those thoughts and correcting them, instead of blindly allowing them to fuel my mood.

You are definatley not alone on this one! Just be kind to yourself, allow yourself to KNOW that it is ok to break down now and then, and that you can't be perfect all the time!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx

Rella927

Yup "meltdowns" they are allowed!

There is NOTHING wrong with you! It is all part of the change and grieving that we must allow ourselves to go through. It is painful but in the long run it is so worth it.

Change is hard with anything even changing a simple thing such as a cell phone! I know it sounds crazy...but it is true. The pain is not as intense-but it is change....

Be gentle with yourself and know that you are not alone-we are all here for you....

"Progress not perfection" it will get better

And P.S. I had a meltdown on the way to work today it must be in the air!

DetachMe9

Hey Now (no pun intended): As per usual, you're expecting way to much of yourself - - at least from what I've come to know of you here in this cyber-world. I have a couple of thoughts on this subject.

One thing I've come to understand about trauma recovery is that the grief process does get delayed for some people, typically when they've had to continue dealing with daily stress over a long period of time. You essentially stay in survival mode until the storm has finally passed, and sometimes even for several weeks or months after the storm has passed just to keep the guard/protection up from further harm. Later, when your brain finally registers and "believes" you're safe - - it will begin to allow the emotional work to begin. Like the hurricane Katrina kids who didn't really start to cry or have nightmares until they were safely settled in new homes away from the disaster weeks/months later.

Personally, I've been having these crying/meltdown deals about every 3rd day lately. This week it's worse because of the freakin' Valentine's Day onslaught. Every damn day (radio, TV, magazines, grocery store, etc.) I'm reminded that I don't have a "valentine" and therefore I'm not allowed to participate in life until Feb. 15th. Fu*k that. Maybe I'll just buy myself a pound of fudge, one of those diamond journey necklaces, and sit around in red lingerie tomorrow with my cats. What Ever.

Thinking of you. Take Care, D9.

denny57

See, you DO have a valentine - you!

Pajarito

Me too- crying about every 3rd day or so- better than what it used to be-everyday for months. I agree that sometimes it's a delayed reaction- from being busy trying to fix things/get through what you have to. Then you let down your guard and the tears come. It's normal. I allow myself to feel it, because I know me- stuffing it back just makes it come out harder later. Take special care with yourself- a spa day sounds wonderful. . .

To D9 and all you people out there who feel like you have no valentine- make yourself first on the list- and just know that I think you're all the best! This year friends and family- and ME are my valentines! :ghug2

Growing

"Personally, I've been having these crying/meltdown deals about every 3rd day lately. This week it's worse because of the freakin' Valentine's Day onslaught. Every damn day (radio, TV, magazines, grocery store, etc.) I'm reminded that I don't have a "valentine" and therefore I'm not allowed to participate in life until Feb. 15th. Fu*k that. Maybe I'll just buy myself a pound of fudge, one of those diamond journey necklaces, and sit around in red lingerie tomorrow with my cats. What Ever."

The above was/is the best reason to be on the board today....LOL....that was effin hilarious. Good idea!

nowinsituation

Thanks again y'all. I just wish that KNOWING why I am feeling this way would make it NOT FEEL SO BAD!!! Just a few weeks ago I was all happy or at least optimistic that once some of this crap got behind me life would be good. Now some of the crap is behind me and I feel worse. Daughter and I are in our new house -- and it is LOTS better than the apt; but there are some issues (it's cold & drafty -- the kitchen cabinets are sorely lacking, NO dishwasher, etc.), I need more furniture (esp. TV's) and don't dare buy anything until the divorce is done. With the apt. at least I knew it was temporary -- the house is somewhat permanent and so I can't just ignore things knowing we will move soon!!

As for Valentine's day -- I never got flowers or gifts (ok, a card & maybe a candy bar or something) from AH anyway so I don't know why I should feel like an outsider this year. I am planning on treating myself better than he ever did anyway -- already halfway through a "sugar free" heartshaped box of candy!!!

Pajarito

You go girl!

Shivaya

Call your Mom Aweda (I hope she lives close by!). Call her today and let it out.

I did this a few weeks back. Went to my Mom's house, cried like a baby, and then she made dinner. I felt so much better.

Good luck!

Shivaya

nowinsituation

Well, I just bought myself another valentine's day present. I was telling them last week at Al-anon that I am having trouble "fully relying on God" - FROG. So, I bought myself a frog to set on my desk. I already feel better whenever I look at it -- it is reminding me that I NEED to fully rely on God!!!