Letter to my wife.

Old 02-11-2008, 08:24 PM
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Letter to my wife.

I wrote my wife a letter tonight telling her how much I loved her but if alcohol had to be a part of her life then I couldn't be. Might be a little late for me to make than comment, she's moved out recently - she says I'm the problem.

There's so much I feel like I need to say to someone, I think I'm searching for answers or possibly trying to make sense of a situation that is total nonsense to me.

Is this a proper forum for dumping all your thoughts and questions? The anonymity of it makes it easier to open up - but I feel like I'm just whining sometimes.

I guess I'm just bummed and confused.
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Old 02-11-2008, 08:36 PM
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Welcome, TD. You are absolutely in the right place. You're among friends - others whose lives have been affected by someone's drinking.

It's fairly typical for an alcoholic to blame someone - anyone - else for the problems going on around them. It's typical for them to start a fight or do whatever is necessary to deflect the attention away from themselves and their drinking.

Again, welcome to SR. Vent away! You might also want to take some time and read the stickies and other posts. There is much to learn about the disease of alcoholism, and how it can become a disease of relationships as well for us.

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Old 02-11-2008, 08:39 PM
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This is the PERFECT PLACE,please dump away, I have dumped here plenty, at this forum you will find hope, stength and hope. Have you been to any allanon meetings? They help too,
Wlcome TDinATL.
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Old 02-11-2008, 08:42 PM
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Letter to your wife

My husband told me today that his problem is me. He was in the hospital in December and has been working with his doctor to overcome his depression and his mood swings and inconsiderate behavior gets to me sometimes and I get mad. This morning I was angry at him about his inconsiderate behavior last night and later this morning he called me and told me he was tired of my attitude and has decided that I'm his problem. He's trying to get better and I do not support him whatsoever. Never mind the past 8 years I've put up with his alcoholic behavior which included yelling at me and just being mean(I'll leave the gruesome details to myself). I must be crazy to still be here and for him to have the audacity to tell me I'm his problem. So this evening he won't even speak to me and went to the other room to sleep. At this point if he came to me with divorce papers I would sign them. I remember a few years ago I worked with a gentleman whose wife was an alcoholic and when she sobered up, then they split up. I'm wondering how common that is. The alcoholic is mean to the spouse and then when the alcoholic sobers up, all of a sudden it's the spouse who's the problem! So I an understand your feelings of frustration and confusion because I certainly have them.
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Old 02-11-2008, 09:42 PM
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My AH and I are in the process of a divorce. He is more inconsiderate now that he has stopped drinking than ever before. Yes, and I am the selfish one I am being told. It didnt matter to me whether he continued to drink or not, I was done. My life and the future of being with him was too much for me to continue. My AH has stopped drinking but is not actively working a program. He blames me and says that I gave up. 15 years of drinking was all I could give. Please post your thoughts and do not feel like a whiner. We have all been where you are or are currently there.
Take care of yourself.
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Old 02-11-2008, 10:27 PM
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Originally Posted by TDinATL View Post
I guess I'm just bummed and confused.
Post away. It really helps!
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Old 02-11-2008, 10:50 PM
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keep posting - you will find that just by getting it out, confusion melts away somewhat

glad you found us

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Old 02-11-2008, 10:52 PM
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Welcome to SR

You are in the right place. Many of us have found this forum when were in our most desperate, angry and confused state .... not knowing what to do or where to turn. We have felt alone ... trying to make sense of the irrational roller coaster, Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde alcoholic behaviors in our lives that consume our every waking thought and drains our energy and spirit.

One of the most important things this forum had to offer me was true, real life insight into the bizarre, chaotic interpersonal dynamics uniquely created by this addiction. You will learn you are not alone, that most of what you have experienced is tragically similar to others on this forum .... and come to understand how powerful and transforming addiction is as it steals away those we care so much about.

You will also learn that it is ultimately up to the alcoholic to change the course of their lives as this addiction as it is too powerfully all consuming for us to make much of a difference .... and finally that we have to step out of the way to save ourselves from its destructive course ... and hope someday the alcoholic in our lives will do the same.

Please keep reading the many helpful posts on this forum ... and hopefully you will be able to begin the sometimes painful journey towards a better, more peaceful and purposeful life.
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Old 02-12-2008, 02:22 AM
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Welcome to SR TDinATL!

You've come to the right place!

While I was still with my now ex, I went to quite a few Alanon meetings, and, some 'open' AA meetings (open meaning, anyone can attend, not just the alcoholic). It was at the open AA meetings, that I learned what recovery looked like, and, what it did NOT look like, and that it was 'not' my fault my S/O was drinking. I was 'not' the reason or the problem!

However, after saying that, there were 'other' issues that I brought to the relationship and had ownership of, but, his drinking was 'not' one of them.
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Old 02-12-2008, 06:39 AM
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You have found a wonderful place to gain strength and wisdom. My AH and I are going through a divorce and he blames me for everything. I try to hold my head high and remind myself that the only one I am responsible for is myself and my 4 kids.
Keep going ahead and vent away!
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Old 02-12-2008, 07:47 AM
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Blame, blame, blame! My AH will assure you that with the exception of his ex-wife, I am soley responsible not only all of his problems, but every atrocity known to man. Given the chance, he'd find some twisted justification of how I am responsible for yours too! Ha! I gotta love it. His blame only reminds me of just how sick he is, and how much better I am after deciding not to bear the burden of his blame.
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Old 02-12-2008, 08:21 AM
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Welcome! Glad you found us;this place has been my haven!

I understand the feelings you describe,too. My exAH and I were married 27yr (and 2 kids) when he decided I "was the problem/made him drink/kids made him drink....." blah,blah,blah....... Truth is he didn't want to stop drinking;so one day he announced he was moving out and he somewhat recently divorced me. (Now he is even more mixed-up,if that is possible.....and it is! ha)

I still try to "understand" what happened and there is no logic to it;alcoholism is not about logical thinking. It effects thinking!

Stick around;read and post, all helps. I found the Getting Them Sober books and Under the Influence a great help in starting to wrap my head around some of the things going on,too.

Sorry you are hurting, but glad you are here.
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Old 02-12-2008, 08:32 AM
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Aaahh the Blame Game....I swore after my first divorce I was going to have a t-shirt made that said "It's All My Fault" would have come in handy in this relationship too.

TDinaTL - post away! I will admit I was a little hesitant to post at first because afterall, I'm CHOOSING to live with an alcoholic (we aren't married) rather than just calling it quits from the get go and getting the hell away from him. I love him and want "us" to work. I can't guarantee that we are going to work, actually, I probably doubt it. BUT - I am a firm believer in that I think we all have to go thru the "stages" of our life. I went thru the lust stage with him, the anger stage, the worrying myself sick stage, the begging stage, and now the resentful stage. I feel myself moving towards the "I don't really care what you do" stage rapidly. It's sad. But is it sadder that I still have hope left for him? I don't know - noone really knows.

I do know that posting here helps me vent and helps me see that I am far from alone in this journey.

Welcome!! :ghug3
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Old 02-12-2008, 08:40 AM
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TDinATL: You've probably figured it out by now but you are obviously in the right place. I just wanted to say Welcome to SR! I'm glad you found us.
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Old 02-12-2008, 09:32 AM
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Thanks everyone, I appreciate the welcome and have found a lot here that is very, very helpful.
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Old 02-12-2008, 01:10 PM
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There's no question that there's a whole lot of hurt happening on both sides in an alcoholic relationship. That's why it is so important that both sides work on their own recoveries.
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Old 02-17-2008, 06:26 PM
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I always got the blame. Always. I was the problem. I was too attractive, therefore that led to jealousy. I was too moody, too lazy, too bossy, didn't want intimacy name it. Until I set up an intervention and during the confrontation, I was being blamed. It wasn't until a few days after that when my AH agreed to treatment that he admitted it wasn't me but that he had to blame "someone."

It's not you. That's their cop out. The problem lies somewhere deep inside themselves but it's just easier to blame the other half.
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Old 02-17-2008, 08:55 PM
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Originally Posted by MzAddy View Post
Given the chance, he'd find some twisted justification of how I am responsible for yours too!
MzAddy, I hope you don't mind if I chuckled a little when I read this! My AW has said things to me sometimes and I just think... HUH??? I have actually thought before that there was no way even she could believe some of what she was saying!
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Old 02-17-2008, 09:13 PM
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Originally Posted by MzAddy View Post
Given the chance, he'd find some twisted justification of how I am responsible for yours too!
Now not even I would have thought of that one and my list was long.

Once I found recovery, I found that "I" was my problem.
Just so happens that I moved out and for the life of me couldn't figure out why her problems came with me. Then one day the lighbulb came on...I am my own problem.

We can all use improvement and your part in things may only be 1% and her part 99% as it was in my case.
Work on your 1% and let her work on her 99%.
You will be better off for will improve that 1%.
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Old 02-18-2008, 07:08 AM
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Just so happens that I moved out and for the life of me couldn't figure out why her problems came with me. Then one day the lighbulb came on...I am my own problem.
Best, I just love you ! :ghug3

I learned that lesson too - wherever I go, there I am. And all that stuff just comes right along with me.
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