Not sure why I'm here
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
Not sure why I'm here
The last time I posted (months ago) I felt like I was being judged by some on this site. I felt like some people were yelling at me or calling me stupid for being in my situation. It was more the tone that what was said. Anyway, here I am again.
I fell asleep yesterday on the sofa and while I was sleeping my AH took off in his car to meet friends. I looked around and found that he had drank at least 10 beers and now he was someplace drinking with them. The last several times he has done this, he has been out fo several hours.
He kept telling me that he wished I would watch football with him, So I did and once I got to understand how it worked.... I now like football. But now I am not who he wants to watch it with. He told me yesterday he did not want to watch the game because he hated one of the players and then when I called to fined out where he was he told me they were just watching the game. Oh.....
I just don't understand. how meny times does he have to hurt me before I wize up? Why am I being so stubborn and stupid? Theres nothing to hang on to so why am I holding on so tight!!!
Thanks for listening.
D
I fell asleep yesterday on the sofa and while I was sleeping my AH took off in his car to meet friends. I looked around and found that he had drank at least 10 beers and now he was someplace drinking with them. The last several times he has done this, he has been out fo several hours.
He kept telling me that he wished I would watch football with him, So I did and once I got to understand how it worked.... I now like football. But now I am not who he wants to watch it with. He told me yesterday he did not want to watch the game because he hated one of the players and then when I called to fined out where he was he told me they were just watching the game. Oh.....
I just don't understand. how meny times does he have to hurt me before I wize up? Why am I being so stubborn and stupid? Theres nothing to hang on to so why am I holding on so tight!!!
Thanks for listening.
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: smalltown, MS
Posts: 40
i'm sorry you're hurting...and...definitely don't think you're stupid. the things i did and put up with were "outrageous" at times and i kept hanging in there..hoping/wishing. ...wish i knew what to say to make you feel better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
I am relatively new here but I personally feel some of the comments are more of a "step back and look at your life" rather than condemning you. Most everyone here has been in a situation similar to this. They know the struggles they went through and hope by their wisdom they can open someone elses eyes before they get too hurt.
One of the things I see over and over is where someone asks you "Are you happy?" If you are not make a list why you are not. Is it a matter of his drinking excessively or just not being around when you want him.
While many of our situations are similar we each lead different lives and have different expectations out of what we want the A in our life to do.
Keep posting and realize they aren't judging you, they are here to help open your eyes. I will be the first to admit I walked around my AW with horse blinds on, only seeing what I wanted to see, listening and believing the lies I was told. Alanon has helped me see more clearly and the advice of many here has helped me keep my focus on what is truly important in my life.
One of the things I see over and over is where someone asks you "Are you happy?" If you are not make a list why you are not. Is it a matter of his drinking excessively or just not being around when you want him.
While many of our situations are similar we each lead different lives and have different expectations out of what we want the A in our life to do.
Keep posting and realize they aren't judging you, they are here to help open your eyes. I will be the first to admit I walked around my AW with horse blinds on, only seeing what I wanted to see, listening and believing the lies I was told. Alanon has helped me see more clearly and the advice of many here has helped me keep my focus on what is truly important in my life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
You asked: how many times does he have to hurt me before I wize up?
Sometimes the hurt has to get really bad before we see that something needs to change... and what I discovered is that it is up to ME (the one feeling hurt) to do something about it. I have found alanon and this site daily a great big help and support. then in working with a sponsor I am starting to look at what I can do differently. For a long time I kept holding HIM responsible for hurting me. No more. You can be in charge of your own happiness. Decide what you will and will not accept.
Sometimes the hurt has to get really bad before we see that something needs to change... and what I discovered is that it is up to ME (the one feeling hurt) to do something about it. I have found alanon and this site daily a great big help and support. then in working with a sponsor I am starting to look at what I can do differently. For a long time I kept holding HIM responsible for hurting me. No more. You can be in charge of your own happiness. Decide what you will and will not accept.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome back!
Have you read the thread on changing for someone else? It took me many years (over 15) to figure out - with professional help - it doesn't work with an addict.
Look forward to hearing more from you.
Have you read the thread on changing for someone else? It took me many years (over 15) to figure out - with professional help - it doesn't work with an addict.
Look forward to hearing more from you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
I'm glad you're back, too. Your avatar is still my all-time favorite 
You'll know when you're ready to not be hurt anymore. I'd heard that said many times over many years, but it's really true. There will come a day when you are no longer on the fence and it's perfectly clear what you have to do. In the meantime, don't stop reading and getting support for yourself. (And going to Al-Anon meetings, just my opinion). It's doing these things regularly and repeatedly that helps you build the strength you need to move yourself forward.
Take care.
You'll know when you're ready to not be hurt anymore. I'd heard that said many times over many years, but it's really true. There will come a day when you are no longer on the fence and it's perfectly clear what you have to do. In the meantime, don't stop reading and getting support for yourself. (And going to Al-Anon meetings, just my opinion). It's doing these things regularly and repeatedly that helps you build the strength you need to move yourself forward.
Take care.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hi Lost,
I know from my experience, I held on because I care and love them. I kept hoping they would change (get better) clinging on to all I could. It hurts, its frustrating and I even got so angry I didnt recognize myself.
I got to a point of 'just couldnt take it anymore' the realization that I wasnt going to change anything about the situation and it was their life to change if they wanted it.
Concentrating on your needs will change the way your life proceeds.
Good Luck Honey.
I know from my experience, I held on because I care and love them. I kept hoping they would change (get better) clinging on to all I could. It hurts, its frustrating and I even got so angry I didnt recognize myself.
I got to a point of 'just couldnt take it anymore' the realization that I wasnt going to change anything about the situation and it was their life to change if they wanted it.
Concentrating on your needs will change the way your life proceeds.
Good Luck Honey.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
I used to date a guy that had a drug addiction many years back. He was out of it most of the time at home, but totally fucntional during the day. Anyway, he used to tell me I was boring and not intellectually stimulating to him. He also told me that I wasn't cultured enough and that I needed to learn these things because he couldn't be with someone like me. So, I started reading the NY Times everyday and looking stuff up on the internet to talk with him about. Guess what, it didn't work. Why? Because he found something else to complain about. The truth is, I'm no dummy. You simply can't engage someone in converstion when they are high all the time.
Stop driving yourself crazy and think about the things you love to do, whether he likes them or not.
I hope you keep coming back! I found the site last week after my break-up with my abf. I too found some of the posts harsh, but if you keep reading, you will see the wisdom in all of this. A lot of them are trying to help you learn how to help yourself. It took me 7 months from finding out about the drinking to leaving, so I understand that you will be ready only when you are, but don't give up on you because some things are difficult to hear.
Stop driving yourself crazy and think about the things you love to do, whether he likes them or not.
I hope you keep coming back! I found the site last week after my break-up with my abf. I too found some of the posts harsh, but if you keep reading, you will see the wisdom in all of this. A lot of them are trying to help you learn how to help yourself. It took me 7 months from finding out about the drinking to leaving, so I understand that you will be ready only when you are, but don't give up on you because some things are difficult to hear.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
We stay because our deepest wish is to have a partner who doesn't just love us, but also
...loves being with us, just hanging out and doing things together because we're fun
...sees the beauty in us where other people don't
...knows how to comfort us (and is willing to take the time to do it)
...is honest with us
...is willing to work at the relationship to make it great for both of us.
And if the person we're with ISN'T those things, we stay because we are harboring hopes that they'll become those things, or become those things again.
You may be able to have that with your current partner. You may not (you may just be too different) Or it might take a lot of work to get there, couples counseling or what have you. Very hard for an outsider to say....Only you will know for sure if/when the time comes to say, "I need something else out of a relationship."
In the meantime, you can cherish yourself, and give YOURSELF all of the above.
...loves being with us, just hanging out and doing things together because we're fun
...sees the beauty in us where other people don't
...knows how to comfort us (and is willing to take the time to do it)
...is honest with us
...is willing to work at the relationship to make it great for both of us.
And if the person we're with ISN'T those things, we stay because we are harboring hopes that they'll become those things, or become those things again.
You may be able to have that with your current partner. You may not (you may just be too different) Or it might take a lot of work to get there, couples counseling or what have you. Very hard for an outsider to say....Only you will know for sure if/when the time comes to say, "I need something else out of a relationship."
In the meantime, you can cherish yourself, and give YOURSELF all of the above.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by lostnfound1961 
The last time I posted (months ago) I felt like I was being judged by some on this site. I felt like some people were yelling at me or calling me stupid for being in my situation.
On line, we read into things from time to time. Yes there could have been one or two who may have said the wrong things but most of the time what I see are people who tell us what we "need" to hear, not what we want to hear.
There is a saying...
Take what you want(need/what works) and leave the rest.
Good seeing you came back. I hope you see more support and info in the replies this time around. If not...there is an ignore button if you find someone is off base with you.
Together as we share with each other, we can all grow and learn.
I like how you did that...started watching football. What I found in my own life though... no matter what I said, my wife would do the same and comply. When she reached a point of hurting from bending over backwards or doing back flips... she started setting boundaries and leaving my to handle my own issues... Guess what?... it worked.
Your space...your peace of mind...Take care of you and let him deal with his issues.
That was a good superbowl game yes? (even though the pats lost)
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
Sometimes the hurt has to get really bad before we see that something needs to change... and what I discovered is that it is up to ME (the one feeling hurt) to do something about it.
You'll know when you're ready to not be hurt anymore
I got to a point of 'just couldnt take it anymore' the realization that I wasnt going to change anything about the situation and it was their life to change if they wanted it.
It took me 7 months from finding out about the drinking to leaving, so I understand that you will be ready only when you are,
Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Atlanta GA
Posts: 38
Have you ever heard "there's nothing worse than a reformed smoker, drinker, fill in the blank"? For example me as a reformed smoker...I don't think I'm better than people who smoke...it's more that I know if I COULD do it anyone can and they will breathe better, smell better, taste better and be healthier. I think that's the viewpoint a lot of these posts come from. And just like quitting any addiction until YOU are ready it won't happen. Success is falling ten times and getting up nine. Maryanne
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Hi Lost, sorry your hurting and glad your back.
I wasn't married but for me, i stayed with my exabf because of the dream that i thought would become with us. The fairytale that never came.
I didn't look at us in the now and the reality of the drama and dysfunction. Now that we are not together, i'm getting happier, getting treated with respect by those around me and taking care of me. Keep posting, you will find great help.
I wasn't married but for me, i stayed with my exabf because of the dream that i thought would become with us. The fairytale that never came.
I didn't look at us in the now and the reality of the drama and dysfunction. Now that we are not together, i'm getting happier, getting treated with respect by those around me and taking care of me. Keep posting, you will find great help.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
