Blame Game
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Blame Game
Was talking with my A the other day, expressing how I am concerned about my daughter growing up in an "alcoholic" enviroment.
I'm scared having an alcoholic stepdad will affect her in years to come, explaining to him that seeing him drinking and grumpy all the time isn't a healthy enviroment for her or me for that matter.
I also told him I wasn't sure what to tell her about his alcoholism, I'm not sure if she is too young to understand yet but I did want to tell her something as I didn't want her to think that his grumpiness or bad moods are anything top do with her. He looked shocked that I would even think of telling her the truth and told me she was far too young.
We weren't arguing, just talking...then he said that he didn't think being around him would affect her in the long run and that she was more likely to be affected by my behaviour and the fact that I don't get her up for school or walk her to school, and she must feel neglected by me and want me around to do "mum" things with her more.
I work nights, get in and go to bed, he gets up with her in the morning and she walks to school (5 minutes down the road) with a friend who lives in the same street as us.
I began to defend myself and then stopped mid sentance, smiled and left the room.
He'd obviously taken it as an "attack", even though it wasn't meant that way in the slightest, and even though the "blame" wasn't obvious, I could see he was twisting the conversation as to what it was that I did wrong.
Sometimes when things are relatively "normal" I forget what I've learnt and slip back into "old ways". *sigh*
Are there any signs to look out for concerning my daughters behaviour that could mean she is being affected?
And what do you tell a 10 year old regarding alcoholism?
I'm scared having an alcoholic stepdad will affect her in years to come, explaining to him that seeing him drinking and grumpy all the time isn't a healthy enviroment for her or me for that matter.
I also told him I wasn't sure what to tell her about his alcoholism, I'm not sure if she is too young to understand yet but I did want to tell her something as I didn't want her to think that his grumpiness or bad moods are anything top do with her. He looked shocked that I would even think of telling her the truth and told me she was far too young.
We weren't arguing, just talking...then he said that he didn't think being around him would affect her in the long run and that she was more likely to be affected by my behaviour and the fact that I don't get her up for school or walk her to school, and she must feel neglected by me and want me around to do "mum" things with her more.
I work nights, get in and go to bed, he gets up with her in the morning and she walks to school (5 minutes down the road) with a friend who lives in the same street as us.
I began to defend myself and then stopped mid sentance, smiled and left the room.
He'd obviously taken it as an "attack", even though it wasn't meant that way in the slightest, and even though the "blame" wasn't obvious, I could see he was twisting the conversation as to what it was that I did wrong.
Sometimes when things are relatively "normal" I forget what I've learnt and slip back into "old ways". *sigh*
Are there any signs to look out for concerning my daughters behaviour that could mean she is being affected?
And what do you tell a 10 year old regarding alcoholism?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Birmingham, Alabama
Posts: 44
I am so there too Missus. My 11 yo daughter has witnessed so much of the 'junk' my AH has done. Of course, in the midst of the madness, I know I didn't handle it well but afterwards, I try to tell her that her daddy is sick with a disease. That his kind of disease has affected his ability to make the right choices and that it is in no way her fault or mine or my other childrens. My AH walked out several weeks ago and we are dealing with rejection and abandonment issues with my 11 yo. She is so angry with him and even with me since I let him come back home many many times. I am receiving counseling and she and my 7 yo start counseling next week. I too am scared what this will do to their overall development especially a girl at this age.
My heart goes out to you but if I had to suggest something, I would really look at the overall situation and if you honestly feel like it is unhealthy for you and your daughter to stay in the relationship, you need to consider getting out.
These wonderful people here with much more experience should be able to give you good adivce and insight. I can tell you that I have been going to Alanon since my AH left and it has given me many reasons to continue on without my AH, both for myself and my precious children. Sending you hugs.:ghug3
Melissa
My heart goes out to you but if I had to suggest something, I would really look at the overall situation and if you honestly feel like it is unhealthy for you and your daughter to stay in the relationship, you need to consider getting out.
These wonderful people here with much more experience should be able to give you good adivce and insight. I can tell you that I have been going to Alanon since my AH left and it has given me many reasons to continue on without my AH, both for myself and my precious children. Sending you hugs.:ghug3
Melissa
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
"Are there any signs to look out for concerning my daughters behaviour that could mean she is being affected?
And what do you tell a 10 year old regarding alcoholism?"
I am an adult child of alcoholics.
If an alcoholic lives in your home, your daughter is being affected. I hope you check out the adult children of alcoholics section of SR and read the Stickies at the top of the page to find out how your daughter is being affected. Don't let denial play tricks on you. Glad to see you here and posting...a very great first step. You know in your gut that something is not right.
What to tell your daughter...a great place to start is the three C's: You didn't Cause the drinking...You can't Control the drinking...You can't Cure the drinking.
And last of all...please consider alateen meetings for your daughter...I have heard that they have literature for children. I wish someone had taken me to alateen. Please consider alanon meetings for yourself...keep coming back to SR.
And what do you tell a 10 year old regarding alcoholism?"
I am an adult child of alcoholics.
If an alcoholic lives in your home, your daughter is being affected. I hope you check out the adult children of alcoholics section of SR and read the Stickies at the top of the page to find out how your daughter is being affected. Don't let denial play tricks on you. Glad to see you here and posting...a very great first step. You know in your gut that something is not right.
What to tell your daughter...a great place to start is the three C's: You didn't Cause the drinking...You can't Control the drinking...You can't Cure the drinking.
And last of all...please consider alateen meetings for your daughter...I have heard that they have literature for children. I wish someone had taken me to alateen. Please consider alanon meetings for yourself...keep coming back to SR.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
My situation is very similar to yours and Melbar. My daughter is 11 and my son is 7. In the last few weeks I have started to talk to my D on the side when the AW is passed out. We talk about what is wrong with Mommy. Mommy has an addiction. Me, g-ma,g-pa all tried to help, mommy didn't want help, mommy doesn't realize how it makes us feel and doesn't want our help. We talk about how important it is to listen to the people who love you when they say you need help and you don't feel like you do. We talk about how the AW still loves us but the alcohol is ruling her life right now and making her do dumb things and endangering us in the process.
I told myself if the AW can be such a negative influence I will do my best to be the opposite. I will show her how much I care and let her know beyond all doubt that it has nothing to do with her or her brother.
I told myself if the AW can be such a negative influence I will do my best to be the opposite. I will show her how much I care and let her know beyond all doubt that it has nothing to do with her or her brother.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Do not doubt that your child is being effected by your H's addiction unless she is living in another state away from him.
If his stuff is effecting you how could it not effect your child? Children are very aware but, denial is learned behavior.
If his stuff is effecting you how could it not effect your child? Children are very aware but, denial is learned behavior.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 141
I got this info from Wikipedia, although if you Google for Children of Alcoholics, there is a ton of information out there.
From my own personal viewpoint, I am not a child of an alcoholic, yet dysfunctional family dynamics certainly harmed me. I don't think the above list needs be confined to a substance - rather, it relates to certain aspects of emotionally damaging parenting.
So, now you have the information and a lot of first hand testimony, what are you going to do? Are you going to continue to allow your daughter to be exposed to this environment?
Adult Children of Alcoholics refers to individuals who have grown up in a dysfunctional household as a result of their caretakers's alcoholism. Adult Children of Alcoholics find they often carry common characteristics into adulthood as the result of their childhood and upbringing, often including alcohol abuse themselves. Adult Children of Alcoholics can also refer to the twelve-step program to assist them in the recovery process. Friends in Recovery, designed the Twelve Steps for Adult Children of Alcoholics.
Dr. Janet G. Woititz identified in her book, Adult Children of Alcoholics, thirteen primary characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics:
* Guessing at what normal behavior is.
* Having difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
* Lying when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
* Judging themselves without mercy.
* Having difficulty having fun.
* Taking themselves very seriously.
* Having difficulty with intimate relationships.
* Overreacting to changes over which they have no control.
* Constantly seeking approval and affirmation.
* Usually feeling that they are different from other people.
* Extreme responsibility or irresponsibility.
* Extreme loyalty, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
* Impulsivity - tending to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.
Dr. Janet G. Woititz identified in her book, Adult Children of Alcoholics, thirteen primary characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics:
* Guessing at what normal behavior is.
* Having difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
* Lying when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
* Judging themselves without mercy.
* Having difficulty having fun.
* Taking themselves very seriously.
* Having difficulty with intimate relationships.
* Overreacting to changes over which they have no control.
* Constantly seeking approval and affirmation.
* Usually feeling that they are different from other people.
* Extreme responsibility or irresponsibility.
* Extreme loyalty, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
* Impulsivity - tending to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.
So, now you have the information and a lot of first hand testimony, what are you going to do? Are you going to continue to allow your daughter to be exposed to this environment?
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