DESIGNER

Wow....i decided to take a journey back in time to about 1.5 yrs ago. I checked out my post from oct 2006. My abf had just left and moved out of our 1st apartment and my posts and my feelings are exactly the same. Fast forward to Feb. 2008 and I am getting ready to go through the same crap....boyfriend moving out of our 2nd apartment and him saying that our relationship is bad for the both of us...that when I get all upset that he wants to drink(basically once again blaming me).

Oh I so don't want to be here Oct 2009 and writing and reading the same stuff. Nothing has changed and nothing is going to change. I recommend looking at your old post. It really helps you see how things have not changed. The one thing that caught my eye was a post that said something along the lines of me talking to two of his friends that I worked with and them telling me that he seemed to be doing really good.....had a good job, still drinks but only really on weekends and not that much and he is planning on going back to school. I remember thinking at that time-why is he now doing all the things that I wanted him to do when we were together.

Well of course you probably know I bought into the bs and took him back and we live together again. Well guess what??? Still has a crappy job...lost the good one that he had. Still drinks and still talks about going back to school. Will it ever happen??? Probably not if he continues to not seek help. Also the one guy that he lived with before that got him the good job no longer wants anything to do with him. Why...because he screwed the company over one July day and decided to not go into work and the company lost a few clients over it. Supposedly this was not the only time it had happened. Instead of going to work he decided to drink a bottle of vodka until he was passed out cold(I was out of town at that time).

Just the other day he saw his old roommate and he was not very nice to him and he wonders why? The abf blames it on his exroommate instead of himself. He says well he is just a weird person....shady....I am not the only friend of his who thinks this way. I have had a few talks with his exroommate and he tells me about how wierd abf would act....locking himself in his room, drinking a case of beer a night-starting at midnight untill his roommate would get up for work the next day. He basically said that he felt that he had to baby him....had to make sure that he was up for work the next morning...stuff like that.

God it is becoming so clear to me right now how stupid I have been to be blaming myself. The boy has a problem. It is wierd but right now I feel really calm and not sorry for myself but for him.

I used to think that I was loosing someone special(because there are many times he was special to me) but right now I realize that he is the one loosing this game.

LucyA

One thing I see a lot on here is 'nothing changes if nothing changes' how true that seems to be.
Look out for you Designer, and maybe in 2009 you won't be in the same place reading and writing the same stuff.

NYC_Chick

Thanks for the helpful post! I'm in the stage you were in last break-up. He's doing well, getting better gigs, and seems to be at the top of his game again career wise. I'm trying not to buy it, but it's hard to not wonder about if he's really making changes, or if it's just his bs to get back what he wants. I'm leaning toward bs, but it's so hard! He also tells me that there were other problems in the relationship although he admits MANY we caused by his drinking.

I wish I could erase him from my life like he never happened. He's the love of my life and it hurts to know I will never be with him again. I had a panic attack thinking about the last time I saw him when he was so affectionate and loving. UGH!

I hope not to be writing the same posts next year too. God give me the strength to let him go!

DESIGNER

Yes mine also admits that many are caused by his drinking but there are just other things he says. Maybe there are. I do have anxiety, I do get emotional, I don't always like to have sex, I don't always want to give him affection....deep down I know that there is a reason behind all of this and it always comes back to one thing and that is the abuse of alcohol. Yes I will admit that every relationship has its issues but the core of our problems is alcohol and it is just to hard for him to swallow that he has messed things up.

He will know one day. My girlfriend who got a divorce about a yr ago was told the same thing by her exhusband. He said it was 50/50 that he admitted that his drinking was the problem but there were still other things. Well it is a yr later and they are officially divorced and he actually had the nerve to call her up and ask her on a date. He has gotten help(supposedly) and he said that he takes 100% of the blame for thier problems and that he is soooo sorry. He said that she was the perfect wife and that he was a stupid idiot. Well guess what buddy your a little too late. she said I forgive you but please stop calling me.... i will never be able to be with you. I am soo proud of her.

Mair

Good post designer, I was thinking today ugh it's valentines day soon then i thought Oh my where was i last valentines, Ah yes i was meeting my xab for a romantic meal silly me he could hardly walk he was so drunk. And the year before was the same and the year before that. NOTHING CHANGES.Thank god i dont have to go through that again. This year i'll buy myself a box of chocs find a cardboard cut out of Brad Pitt and have a romantic meal with him!!!!

Mair

SerenitySeaker

In the summer of 2004 my AH and I were separated for the first time and I remember sitting in an attorney's office, and not the first time in my then 4 year marriage I had seen an attorney either, anyway I remember saying "I'm 33 years old I don't want to be sitting here when I'm 40"

Well guess what I am now almost 37 and I have the same attorney because nothing changes but the year on the calendar. Yes it hurts and yes I'm scared but it's time for me to look out for me.

He's leaving tomorrow for a week long trip. When he gets home me, our pets, and all my stuff will be gone. His choices, his consequences. My life, moving on. Finally.

Mskattie

Thank you for reminding me the exact reason why I chose not to stay with my ex. I am 33 years old, I have been waiting for him to change for more than 3 years now. I did not want to be at the same spot at age, say, 40, and still wondering if things will change.

I often get sucked in to "what if" thinking, what if he is really getting better this time as he said, what if he will follow through with his promoise this time, what if I am making a big mistake by not sticking by him this time, etc... Especially when other people think he is doing really well, I feel like second guessing my decision. I guess I am still in the stage of thinking maybe I am missing someone really special. But, then when I start to think this way, I try to remind myself of all the broken promises he made and hurtful and insensitve things he has done.

Stellargirl

That is exactly what I have to do also. I even make lists and write it all out, plus if I reread old journals I get reminded of all the problems.
Yes, it is the XA's that are the ones really missing out on life by experiencing it through the lens of alcohol.

Yes, that feeling of calm and pity for them, is an emotional state that I have been visiting more since it's about 2 months since breakup and now very little contact.
Feeling pity for them....I hope that helps make letting go of them easier.

nowinsituation

Unfortunately I can only imagine how difficult it is to leave the relationship while you are still feeling love. I left after 24 years of marriage. I thought after I had been gone for awhile the anger, hurt and betrayal would give way; and the feelings of love would resurface. It hasn't happened. Why did I stay that long?? Because I was married, and I was taught that marriage was FOREVER. Also because I felt guilt and I pitied him. I pretended that everything was OK and kept busy with my job and my kids. But, I saw my future and it scared me to death. You are doing the right thing to get out now. That long and happy future that is waiting for you gets shorter every day.

NYC_Chick

SerenitySeeker:

I totally understand what you are saying. Although I wasn't married, I met him when I was 31, to me, prime marrying age. I'm now 35 and no closer to being in a healthy relationship with a loving partner than I was before I met him. I think in some ways I'm even further from that because my bs meter has been tampered with and I have no idea how I will ever trust that someone is being completely honest with me. For now, I'm spending a fortune on therapy to try to figure out how to do that, and I'm in al-anon meetings nearly nightly.

At least without him I have hope that my future can bring that instead of more pain and disappointment.

DESIGNER

Wow soo true....I think that I am going to carry this around with me and read this when I feel sad about all of this.