DESIGNER

That is the truth....for a long time I felt that it would be ok if he could just cut back. He did cut back and so that just made our fights farther in between each other. He cut down on how often he drank(2 nights instead of 6) but not how much he drank. He would be good(supposedly)throughout the week but then on the weekends get hammered still. He thought that that was ok. I did too for a while....but I still found myself always so scared that I would wake up on a weekday to find him drunk and passed out. I had no trust left for him. Without trust a relationship fails.

You are not alone when you say you are sad.

I am sad,scared,lonely,tired and ready to move on completly with my life.

Since I am still living with him it will be hard to completly move on but I am trying and that is better then what I was doing before.

All you can do is try and keep your head up and keep moving forward.

cagefree

Hugs to you SHIVAYA

Only 7 pages? Quoting Dr Phil - Who peed in his cheerios?

Here was XABF's list:

1. You won't let me live with you and let me drink whenever I want at the same time
2. You won't let me live with you and let me drink whenever I want at the same time
3. You won't let me live with you and let me drink whenever I want at the same time
4. You won't let me live with you and let me drink whenever I want at the same time

...etc, etc, etc

I'm such a bad, evil person - hee hee

When the last of my grandparents died (they all died within 3 years of each other) - I did not go on a bender.

When my emotionally abusive XABF dumped ME I did not go out and get drunk.

When I put my beloved dog to sleep after 12 years of companionship - I did not go to a bar and get wasted.

Everyone experiences depression, stress, anger, and a lot of strong, tough emotions - it's life...none of them gives me any excuse to not be a responsible human being. None of them gives me an excuse to take someone else's moral inventory.

Pajarito

What a load of crap.

I'm too am to blame for my AH's drinking. Right. :chatter

If I were you I'd spend a lot of time on the beach soaking up the sun and taking in all of the great advice you got here. . . reading. . . taking care of yourself. (((stay strong)))

Paj- from a very cold northern climate. . .

Pajarito

This is the best reason for being on here today- LOL

LaTeeDa

You say you don't have a job, huh? Then why does this "list" sound more like a performance review than an honest communication between partners? My employer expects certain things from me in exchange for compensation provided. At least when I get a performance review from my employer, there are also positives and praise included.

This is a most insidious form of manipulation. If you want to continue receiving compensation, you must live up to his standards. *barf*

You could go live on a mountaintop with Buddhist monks for 7 months and come back an entirely changed person, meet all the criteria on his list, and I guarantee he would spend that time swilling alcohol and working on a new list.

My response to it would be "I am an imperfect human being. I will now let go of you so you can find someone who meets your requirements."

L

MzAddy

I am really lucky. My AH has only one complaint about me: I am me! On the 10/90 thing, I'm guessing that in spite of the years we had of a close, loving relationship, his years of alcoholic thinking had probably manipulated that 90% into believing that I truly am the root of all of his problems. For years I held on with hope that one day, he'd get into AA and become human again. He's 9 weeks into the program, and though the monkey is off his back, the circus is still in town. He's got alot of work to do because I still get credit for ruining his life. I've been in Alanon for about 8 months, and am working my own program and recovering. I was aware of Alanon but never really knew where they came from. I didn't realize what my AH's alcoholism was doing to me and the kids. He can fool himself into thinking that he's in recovery while holding resentments and placing blame. Think his circus has a firm foundation. I choose to get better.

Pick-a-name

haha....very true! Actually, I DID address some of the issues on my exAH's "BS-list" and I think it kinda threw him,even ticked him off. Not to worry, he soon re-grouped and found new and different things and/or said I did not do the improvement "right"! LOL

One day I said,"boy are you a lucky guy to have married me...think of all the time and energy I save you looking for things to pick and complain about;I actually make mistakes (plenty) and even admit to them!"

I think the description "King Baby" pretty much sums it up. This sense of entitlement that progresses as the disease does. The man I married 30yrs ago would be appalled at his own behavior,imho.

Try not to engage with them in this kind of talk. Usually,I would be off and running and the "real issue" was thus completely avoided and the attention shifted to me and not on AH and the problems his alcoholism was creating that I probably was going to address. It's taken me a long time to see it for what it's worth and not to accept the "invitation". (In fact,I got a chance just this weekend and for a second the urge to react came over me,but I knew better this time to let it pass. )

There are several chapters in Getting Them Sober about this very topic and helpful tips of how to "see and hear" it and thus avoid that alcoholic drama. It has been an area that has really been key in my recovery journey.

Thanks for this thread and the great posts (and ESH) from all of you!

Zak68

You have to love an A's lists. My AW and I were "discussing" (there is a reason the word cuss is in discuss) her drinking. As things settled down I suggested we each ask one thing of each other and start to rebuild from there.

Her's was to treat her more like a lover and less like a wife. She felt the spark had gone from our marriage and that was part of her reason to drink.

Mine was that she come to me when she feels the need to drink. She told me before she knows it's wrong and I just wanted her to come to me for once instead of making me drag it out in the open. After all every A I know has a buddy to call when they feel weak.

A week or two later we took a romantic weekend to a BnB, I had a montrous bouquet waiting, special dinner, romantic walk, etc. I felt we connected like we hadn't in years. Next weekend she was plowed again and never once came to me. At that point I knew lists were junk, she would never come to me for help or just an open ear when she was weak and that is all I wanted.

denny57

What did she have waiting for you?

Rella927

What is that song....Wish I knew now when I was younger! Saying and a song I believe!

Zak68

Not a thing. =)

Just like the time she forgot a Valentine's Card and another where she forgot our anniversary. Not an issue if she forgets but lordy help me if I do, hehe.

Shivaya

Zak68,

I like your idea about asking your AW to please come to you when she feels like drinking. I'm sorry that she did not reach out to you and take your support.

I'm going to try this with my AH, even though I have the feeling that as soon as the words come out of my mouth "Oh honey, please come to me when you feel like drinking and let's just be with one another", he will raise his eyebrows, look a bit confused and say "you're crazy"!

I suppose I would be setting myself up for rejection, but I can take it. I just want to give it a try!

Thanks, Shivaya

Zak68

At the time I felt it was a reasonable thing to ask. I spent the last 3 years at the point looking for receipts, looking for hidden bottles, etc. No A can do it alone if they truly want to get better and all I wanted was to be the person she relied on to give her strength when she was weak. I thought as her husband she would do that, I was wrong. The disease and her ego prevented her from accepting the helping hand that was offered and now the hand and offer are both pulled back.

LaTeeDa

Unfortunately, we usually have to keep on trying until that light bulb goes off that it's not our battle to fight...............

Then one day, we quit trying to change THEM, and start the long road to changing US.

I truly hope that day comes soon for you.

L

Mr B

Amen to that. It took me a loooong time to realise that about my xagf. She didn't want me helping her to get sober because she didn't want to stop drinking. And she resented the hell out of me for asking her to do so.

At best, she wanted the bad things to stop happening while she was drunk. So if bad things happened to her while she was drunk, and I was around at time, then it was - of course - my fault for either provoking the bad things to happen and/or not stopping them. So she'd get drunk and treat me like dirt - my fault for "being so crap". She'd get drunk and offend my friends - my fault for "not stopping her". It was amazing how, with the voluminous list of bad things that have happened to her or that she's done herself while drunk, it never seemed to occur to her to not get drunk in the first place...

Mr B.

LaTeeDa

BTDT. I planned (and paid for) a two-week vacation sans children. We had such a great time and "connected" as you say, like we hadn't in years. As soon as we were back home in our normal routine, it was as if it never happened.

I also bought (without any contribution from him) a boat. We had always talked about having a boat as we live close to several lakes. I thought if we had something fun to do together as a family, he wouldn't have to drink all the time. All I got was more worry about another "thing" he operated under the influence.

It took a long time and a lot of failed attempts, but I'm so happy I finally got that no matter what I did, or didn't do, he was still going to drink. Good, bad, or indifferent---

I didn't CAUSE it.
I couldn't CONTROL it.
And I sure as hell couldn't CURE it.

L

Pick-a-name

No,offense but I am guessing you'd be about the LAST person she'd come to when she feels she needs a drink. You'd try to prevent her from drinking!

That IS her "problem with you",imho while she is active in her disease.

In the earlier days of my exAH's drinking, this seemed like it "worked"; he wanted to "cut back" and us doing things that did not involve alcohol was a good idea,in his mind. As his disease progressed,he gave up thinking drinking was a problem and started defending his right to drink. And started resenting me. It took me awhile to realize that "the rules" had changed and the alcoholism was in charge.

katyk

Shivaya,

That letter must have been so painful to read, you should be proud of yourself for sharing it and asking for help when you needed it! *hugs*


My AH also takes no responsibility for anything whatsoever. If I request for him to notify me as to when he's going to come home, I'm "bitching at him." He admits to marital problems, but they are all my fault and I need to figure them out. If he gets high and doesn't sleep all night and barely makes it in to work, its my fault:I make him do drugs in the middle of the night because my "bitching" will ruin his good buzz.

It doesn't matter what we look like, how often we give them a peice of a$$, make them dinner and take care of the household responsibilities, they put their problems and misery on to us. And its not our fault!