How to confront the functional drinker?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 36
These are such great posts. My AH didn't appear to be an alcoholic either. Very nice looking, well groomed/dressed, polite, successful at work. When he drank he was just like everyone else and then he started drinking more than everyone else and more often and then hiding and then drinking alone. It takes years to progress until it spirals out of control. My AH never had a DUI, never got into fights, never caused trouble and never lost a job while drinking but he did become diabetic and depressed which meant tiredness almost ALL the time.
It's good that you have your eyes open. I wish I'd had mine open when it was first a problem. If you're not comfortable you don't have to sit back as the years go by. Take care.
It's good that you have your eyes open. I wish I'd had mine open when it was first a problem. If you're not comfortable you don't have to sit back as the years go by. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Hey, FD, count your blessings, hon!
A girlfriend of mine year's ago used to call men "stress-inducers." Yep. I'd rather go to bed with my two cats cuddled up next to me. Men ... women ... like Jimmy Buffet says, "We all want relationships, but we don't know what to do with them."
Thank your HP that you don't have to spend a zillion hours on compromising, bargaining, giving in, giving up, blah, blah, blah. Frankly, I'm going to be thrilled to live without a man. I have a busted man-picker anyway!
Thank your HP that you don't have to spend a zillion hours on compromising, bargaining, giving in, giving up, blah, blah, blah. Frankly, I'm going to be thrilled to live without a man. I have a busted man-picker anyway!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 4
cJfanagle,
Your words touched me and scared the crap out of me. I admit I'm somewhat in denial, not of his problem, but of what he could turn into. I just can't imagine him becoming completely selfish and unconcerned of me. At the same time, I've seen it happen with my own father growing up.
The way you described your addiction sounds identical to my boyfriend. He's been a business owner, a manager of a large store, and just well liked and respected by everyone. He dresses extremely well because he has the money to do so.
I don't want to be that codependant gf but I also believe he has too much to offer to just leave him. That's why this issue is of so much concern right now. I've been with him for 4 years and just recently we touched on the subject of marriage. I will never marry him if he doesn't help himself. I also won't give him that ultimatum because I don't think it helps anything. Plus, I'm not dying to get married like a lot of girls. Marriage to me is just a piece of paper, to me, I'm already dedicated to him.
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you personally for your words. It changes my perspective to hear it from someone who was like my bf. I hope soon he will be able to conquer is fears of letting the bottle go. He's a really amazing person. He's even been in this situation where I am right now. His father was an alcoholic and he went to Alanon meetings, he's gone to therapy, meditation retreats, and used to be a dedicated Christian.
I don't want him to become isloted because that will leave me isolated.
Livin' It
Your words touched me and scared the crap out of me. I admit I'm somewhat in denial, not of his problem, but of what he could turn into. I just can't imagine him becoming completely selfish and unconcerned of me. At the same time, I've seen it happen with my own father growing up.
The way you described your addiction sounds identical to my boyfriend. He's been a business owner, a manager of a large store, and just well liked and respected by everyone. He dresses extremely well because he has the money to do so.
I don't want to be that codependant gf but I also believe he has too much to offer to just leave him. That's why this issue is of so much concern right now. I've been with him for 4 years and just recently we touched on the subject of marriage. I will never marry him if he doesn't help himself. I also won't give him that ultimatum because I don't think it helps anything. Plus, I'm not dying to get married like a lot of girls. Marriage to me is just a piece of paper, to me, I'm already dedicated to him.
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you personally for your words. It changes my perspective to hear it from someone who was like my bf. I hope soon he will be able to conquer is fears of letting the bottle go. He's a really amazing person. He's even been in this situation where I am right now. His father was an alcoholic and he went to Alanon meetings, he's gone to therapy, meditation retreats, and used to be a dedicated Christian.
I don't want him to become isloted because that will leave me isolated.
Livin' It
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Livin' It 
I don't want him to become isloted because that will leave me isolated.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 1
It is good that you are concerned this early. My parents started drinking socially at a very young age. My mom even when to AA when she realized things were going bad. My dad was not as supportive in my opinion and so she started drinking again because she thought she would still handle it. She just recently died from complications to her drinking. She had no signs of being sick and she was a complete "functioning" alcoholic. Please remember that it is a very dangerous disease. I wish I had talked to her about it and got her more help before she died. Now I have my dad to work on. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Astro, your experience is my AH to a "T". darkness_falls, your experience is me to a "T".
Livin_It....... run.
I think back on the years I spent on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds and constant worry/dread/fear and just want to kick myself. I questioned myself soooo much. How could this extremely successful professional, very well-dressed, extremely vain man who so many admire be a drunk? And how could I possibly not see all his good qualities because I'm focusing on his bad? And how could his behavior towards all of his family be adversely effected by booze when at the moment he isn't actually drunk? Was it really such a big deal if he drank after the kids went to bed and they didn't actually see him drunk? That's not such a big deal is it?
Ahhh, then we got to the "yets". My AH hasn't had too many of those, which is exactly why he believed for so long that he had everything under control. He could handle it. He doesn't drink and drive. He's never lost a job due to booze. By all appearances, he's a really nice guy with a great job, and he still looks really good...... on the outside. Inside is a different story. Years of drinking has altered his brain. He has been on auto-respond for so many years, coveting his right to drink and protecting it with all his might, that he doesn't know how to have an argument without resenting the hell out of me. His first response to everything is resentment. When he's active, he's completely self-righteous, indignant and deserving. Everything he says and does revolves around his drinking. He has spent years telling me I'm fat, I spend too much and I'm a crappy mother. When did all the criticisms start? When I started questioning his drinking. Was a great way to get me off his back. And it worked for a long time as my esteem plummeted. And judging from some of the other posts on this site, I'm not alone. It's a pretty common occurrence. Please pay attention if your bf goes on the attack when you talk about his drinking. It's an automatic response to get you to get your eyes off of his problem and to make you judge yourself.
I'm so glad you found this website and I hope you use it to your full advantage. If you have a conversation with your bf that you're not sure of, post it here. I bet you'll find a host of people willing to chime in with the exact conversation they had with their alcoholic spouses. I'm finding more and more that there is nothing at all different from my marriage to my AH than everyone else's experiences. We're no different whatsoever. Realizing how common we are has helped me realize some of the natural progressions that take place ever so subtlety, that I never knew for so many years.
Until an A makes the decision all on their own that they have had enough of the booze, the patterns we all face are startlingly similar.
My AH used to be exactly how you describe your bf. Then we had a few kids and then his got some promotions, and then we were living the American dream..... except he resented me for almost all of our marriage. He blamed me. Why not? Somebody needs to be blamed for his alcoholism. And his kids blamed me. Why? Because he bashed me to them. He wasn't concerned about my image, only his own. Fun to be the hero. And his mother blames me for his drinking also. Why? Because he bashed me to her. Surely I'm wicked enough to live with that anyone married to me would drink. In fact, for several years, his mother and kids thought I was just claiming he was an alcoholic when he really wasn't.
It's just a mess. Please consider that if you spend many years with an alcoholic, insanity will dominate your world unless you spend countless hours in Al-Anon and here trying to learn how to deal with it. And often, even that isn't enough. Look at all the people here who abandoned their marriages for their own sanity.
Don't close your eyes. Keep them open. It may help you make better decisions than I did.
Livin_It....... run.
I think back on the years I spent on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds and constant worry/dread/fear and just want to kick myself. I questioned myself soooo much. How could this extremely successful professional, very well-dressed, extremely vain man who so many admire be a drunk? And how could I possibly not see all his good qualities because I'm focusing on his bad? And how could his behavior towards all of his family be adversely effected by booze when at the moment he isn't actually drunk? Was it really such a big deal if he drank after the kids went to bed and they didn't actually see him drunk? That's not such a big deal is it?
Ahhh, then we got to the "yets". My AH hasn't had too many of those, which is exactly why he believed for so long that he had everything under control. He could handle it. He doesn't drink and drive. He's never lost a job due to booze. By all appearances, he's a really nice guy with a great job, and he still looks really good...... on the outside. Inside is a different story. Years of drinking has altered his brain. He has been on auto-respond for so many years, coveting his right to drink and protecting it with all his might, that he doesn't know how to have an argument without resenting the hell out of me. His first response to everything is resentment. When he's active, he's completely self-righteous, indignant and deserving. Everything he says and does revolves around his drinking. He has spent years telling me I'm fat, I spend too much and I'm a crappy mother. When did all the criticisms start? When I started questioning his drinking. Was a great way to get me off his back. And it worked for a long time as my esteem plummeted. And judging from some of the other posts on this site, I'm not alone. It's a pretty common occurrence. Please pay attention if your bf goes on the attack when you talk about his drinking. It's an automatic response to get you to get your eyes off of his problem and to make you judge yourself.
I'm so glad you found this website and I hope you use it to your full advantage. If you have a conversation with your bf that you're not sure of, post it here. I bet you'll find a host of people willing to chime in with the exact conversation they had with their alcoholic spouses. I'm finding more and more that there is nothing at all different from my marriage to my AH than everyone else's experiences. We're no different whatsoever. Realizing how common we are has helped me realize some of the natural progressions that take place ever so subtlety, that I never knew for so many years.
Until an A makes the decision all on their own that they have had enough of the booze, the patterns we all face are startlingly similar.
My AH used to be exactly how you describe your bf. Then we had a few kids and then his got some promotions, and then we were living the American dream..... except he resented me for almost all of our marriage. He blamed me. Why not? Somebody needs to be blamed for his alcoholism. And his kids blamed me. Why? Because he bashed me to them. He wasn't concerned about my image, only his own. Fun to be the hero. And his mother blames me for his drinking also. Why? Because he bashed me to her. Surely I'm wicked enough to live with that anyone married to me would drink. In fact, for several years, his mother and kids thought I was just claiming he was an alcoholic when he really wasn't.
It's just a mess. Please consider that if you spend many years with an alcoholic, insanity will dominate your world unless you spend countless hours in Al-Anon and here trying to learn how to deal with it. And often, even that isn't enough. Look at all the people here who abandoned their marriages for their own sanity.
Don't close your eyes. Keep them open. It may help you make better decisions than I did.
Always Hopeful
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: californication
Posts: 50
Read my posting on What is like to Date an alcoholic. I can relate to your situation. My ex was fully functional, but the signs were there. Stand offish' Always tired; Selfish; Cranky; Hangover; Drinking again to kill the hangover; Loosing things; Forgetting conversations he had while he drank; Passing out; Not sleeping Well; No energy to work out; Drank Scotch every day; He never had a DIU, he got lucky he never got caught! I know one time he drove drunk and I took control and drove because he had no business driving. Yet, he was functional. On work on time. Paid all his bills. But he was self centered, Didnt call people back. Isolated himself because he was busy.....busy drinking!!! I am glad he broke off things with me. I am glad we didnt progress and got married. My fear of being alone and my desire to get married almost made me make a huge mistake and overlook the fact that he has a problem with alcohol
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 433
I haven't written here in a long while. This is such a powerful thread to me that I'm moved to get the ol' fingers going on the keyboard.
I don't really know what I want to say, so much is swirling in my head by all everyone has said.
Before it flies out of my ADD head I'll say one thing in any case: Even if a person stops drinking habitually, even if they aren't classic alcoholic, the thinking/attitudes/behaviors/personality characteristics/experiences/whatever it is that got them started in the first place; whatever brought them to this point ... is going to be there regardless what they do drink-wise.
The patterns, the habits of thought, the attraction of alcohol/DOC, the personal tendencies -- it's there; it won't just magically disappear because someone doesn't take a drink! There will be issues to deal with always, all ways. The alcohol just adds to the complexities and difficulties of what is already there in the first place.
All for now....
I don't really know what I want to say, so much is swirling in my head by all everyone has said.
Before it flies out of my ADD head I'll say one thing in any case: Even if a person stops drinking habitually, even if they aren't classic alcoholic, the thinking/attitudes/behaviors/personality characteristics/experiences/whatever it is that got them started in the first place; whatever brought them to this point ... is going to be there regardless what they do drink-wise.
The patterns, the habits of thought, the attraction of alcohol/DOC, the personal tendencies -- it's there; it won't just magically disappear because someone doesn't take a drink! There will be issues to deal with always, all ways. The alcohol just adds to the complexities and difficulties of what is already there in the first place.
All for now....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 6
Thank you, Livinit, for your post. This is my first day on this site. I finally saw a therapist this week for "advice" on how to "force" my husband into therapy for drinking. Wow, was I going at it the wrong way. She told me the same things that the others have said here in these threads.
My husband is 19 years older than me. I was married when we met, but I fell in love anyway, got a divorce, and stumbled through the next few years before we got married. Even on our honeymoon, I vividly recall saying to myself, "What have I done?"
I knew he drank, but he seemed to function fine. It has taken 14 years for me to realize that he's not fine. He can't keep a job - but he swears it's not because of his drinking. When he's sober, he's the nicest guy you'd ever meet - "sparkling" almost. Just a joy. But so often when he's had even one or two drinks, I can tell. He starts to become all "gushy, mooshy," counting his blessings, etc. Then he gets impatient, beliggerant, self-righteous, inconsiderate, and he says odd things out of character, and "non-sequitor."
Before we got married, he promised me he would not drink - and he didn't drink for awhile. By the time he started drinking again, we were married, and we had blended our family (of 3 girls then ages 10, 10, and 5). I tried to ignore it. I tried to hide it. We stopped having friends over. He would embarass me in public, so I stopped going out to dinner with him.
Now when we're invited places, sometimes I don't tell him because I don't want to go and be embarassed when he gets a buzz on.
He has driven my children around when he's been buzzed - and somehow I rationalized that he wouldn't do anything to hurt my children. Say what?
So now I'm just starting to analyze my own co-dependence, which is painful and the way is not yet at all clear to me.
My husband is 19 years older than me. I was married when we met, but I fell in love anyway, got a divorce, and stumbled through the next few years before we got married. Even on our honeymoon, I vividly recall saying to myself, "What have I done?"
I knew he drank, but he seemed to function fine. It has taken 14 years for me to realize that he's not fine. He can't keep a job - but he swears it's not because of his drinking. When he's sober, he's the nicest guy you'd ever meet - "sparkling" almost. Just a joy. But so often when he's had even one or two drinks, I can tell. He starts to become all "gushy, mooshy," counting his blessings, etc. Then he gets impatient, beliggerant, self-righteous, inconsiderate, and he says odd things out of character, and "non-sequitor."
Before we got married, he promised me he would not drink - and he didn't drink for awhile. By the time he started drinking again, we were married, and we had blended our family (of 3 girls then ages 10, 10, and 5). I tried to ignore it. I tried to hide it. We stopped having friends over. He would embarass me in public, so I stopped going out to dinner with him.
Now when we're invited places, sometimes I don't tell him because I don't want to go and be embarassed when he gets a buzz on.
He has driven my children around when he's been buzzed - and somehow I rationalized that he wouldn't do anything to hurt my children. Say what?
So now I'm just starting to analyze my own co-dependence, which is painful and the way is not yet at all clear to me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
Originally Posted by justanothrdrunk
Then the wifey says she wants me to get a real chemcal assessment. I do so. They tell me I'm a raging drunk and I check into treatment, but not for me, for her.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by whatishappy
Thank you, Livinit, for your post. This is my first day on this site. I finally saw a therapist this week for "advice" on how to "force" my husband into therapy for drinking. Wow, was I going at it the wrong way. She told me the same things that the others have said here in these threads.
.
.
This is an older thread that has been inactive. The feelings are universal, however, when dealing with active alcoholism. Same Story, Different Day.
By starting a new thread you can introduce yourself to active members that are willing to share their ES&H (Experience, Strength & Hope).
Welcome. We're glad you are here!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by whereisthisgoin
Where did you have to go to get a real chemical assessment and can you please tell us more about what it is, what it shows, and how long to get the results? I'm guessing it is not covered by insurance..
Sorry Where, but this thread was started in Feb 2008. Justanothrdrunk is still active on the boards, maybe try sending him a PM (private message).
(click onto the user id - justanothrdrunk in this case - and a pop down menu appears. It gives you the option of sending a private message)
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