gjfc3

Hi all!! It's been about 3 weeks since my last post. I left my AH, moved out of the house and am living on Melody's Codependence No More! My AH just hit his 2 month sober point and I still have no desire to patch things up...I believe all of the past hurt is too much for me to overcome. He is in the " I love you so much and want you back" phase. I can't keep from feeling like this is continued manipulation. How can someone so argumentative and careless about our feelings (myself and our 3 children) change so dramatically in a month?? With twelve years of marriage and begging for this change for so long...how can I possibly think that 2 months of sobriety and being nice for a month is a long term change? Do any of you have any experience in this type of situation?? He is also so emotional around the kids, I just want to take my french loaf and bang him over the head ( I know...not a good alternative but boy it makes me feel good) and say "why now" and why can't you pull yourself together and quit the damn manipulation!!

But, I am doing well and moving forward...I just would love to know if anyone has left and had to endure the nice side...I think I much prefer the anger to the begging as sad as that is to say!!

hugs to you all
g

Miss Pink

his feelings are coming back.....

thats why he is emotinal. you need to learn what alcoholism does to the alkie....going to al-anon teaches me.

he frooze out EVERYTHING with alcohol....and now he is defrosting. doesnt make the past all nicey nice, but it does explain whats happening inside him.

there is a thousand of us here who wish to have our spouse getting sober like yours is....doesnt mean you should go back to him...just maybe do whatever it takes to understand and have compassion....good luck

gjfc3

thank you miss pink! I really don't know the steps they take when quitting alchohol...I definately need all the insight I can get there. I am truly trying to be compassionate...yet trying to stay detached as well...a hard combo to perfect for sure. My resentment is still strong and we have been through the sober time before and back to drinking as well. I do know that I am finally putting the health of my children and myself first and that is a god send to be sure!! thank you for the support!!! hugs!

g

Barbara52

My STBXAH was talking about how he was a changed man and needed me back and so on up to about 2 1/5 months after I left. Then he got himself an online girlfriend and starting telling people how horrible I w as. None of it mattered to me. I knew when I left I wouldn't be going back.

2 months is nothing interms of his behavior and changes. A year would be mor indicative of his recovery , if it happens.

LaTeeDa

Mine went through the crying and begging stage at about the same point. Looking back, I think he thought that if he could just quit drinking for, oh say a few months, we could get back together and he could go back to the way it was. After he got past that, the crying and begging stopped and he got a lot more realistic about the long road ahead in staying sober and trying to repair our marriage.

I still believe the crying and begging stage was all about manipulation. I think your gut instinct is right on.

L

peaceteach

Yeah, it's fun for them to be care-free and free to drink, until they ARE free to drink but it isn't all that care-free...... Sounds like it is still "all about him."

DetachMe9

gjfc: This is the very scene at my house right now, and I'd have to say it's just as difficult (but in a different way) than living with active alcoholsim.

AH and I together 11 years, married for 9. I filed divorce shortly after Christmas and it will likely be final sometime in March. We're both still living here together as neither us of has the funds to get a separate place; I'm refinancing the house in order to stay on and he's waiting for his share of the equity to have the money to leave. Wouldn't recommend this setup to anyone, but no choice here for now.

After 9 years of sobriety, AH began to falter about 2 years ago and things progressed. He stopped going to AA, had repeated relapses that involved driving drunk, resigned from the best job he ever had (without lining up another job first), spent money, had 2 affairs, and essentially tore himself and us up from the inside out.

In the past 6-7 weeks since I filed, he's stopped drinking, stopped seeing other women, has been apologetic/remorseful like no other time I've ever seen, and says he's hit his rock-bottom. He cries and asks repeatedly for me to try again, says everything will be different, etc. It is absolutely heartbreaking to hear/see him like this, as he is actually more sincere than any other time in the past and this certainly appears to be "it" for him.

I've had regular bouts of ambivalence regarding my decision, sometimes the pull to reconsider is like a vacuum it's so strong. But I'm choosing to stay the course with this, no matter what. I figure if he's that despondent and serious about it, then he can go ahead with his new recovery and I'll support him with loving detachment from a distance as his ex-wife. If his sh*t stays together for a year and things continue to look good, then who knows....

All I know right now is that I cannot go on living like this anymore, and I'm not willing to buy another ticket for the roller coaster until I see someone up there doing something to repair it rather than just talking about it.

Hang in there