hollywood123

My boyfriend of one year drinks; he's cut down alot, but every other week or so, he drinks on this days off to the point that I am uncomfortable in my own home. He says he drinks because he is stressed out. Yesterday I got pissed because he doesn't help around the house much and I called him on it.....so he drank that night. In the morning I tried to talk to him and got the standard response, he was stressed and I caused the stress by complaining that he doesn't help out. I don't know how to respond to this...I tried to say, so everytime I complain about anything, you will turn to drinking...he said I was being ridiculous. He isn't abusive and even reminded me of this today, but I just don't know how to repsond to this and need some help......

barb dwyer

hi Hollywood -

I'm an alcoholic, but also one who tends to marry alcoholics.

You are not making him drink.
If you can't make him take out the trash - you certainly can't make him drink.
Thats a blame - game.

I'm assuming you're sharing living quarters?

Alcoholics do not drink because of stress.

Alcoholics drink ... because we're alcoholics.
If he's still alying blame - then he's far from ready to stop.
But his drinking is causing home problems ... how'd you put it ?

You're being made to feel uncomfortable in your own home.

Is there an alanon or something similar in your area?
Because ... from experience on both sides of the fence....
this isn't going to go away.
On its own, I mean.

Tally

It's not your fault that he drinks. He chooses to pick up and use, not you. It doesn't matter what you do or do not say to him he will drink anyway and if he doesn't blame you he will blame something else.
I'm glad he isn't physically abusive, but then again he isn't supposed to be, why point it out to you like you should be grateful?!

My ABF doesn't help around the house much either and I used to always gone on at him, but what's the point, doesn't matter what I say, I can't control him or what he does, I can't make him do the housework and I can't make him drink or quit drinking.

Please don't blame yourself and please don't listen to him when he blames you, he's wrong, he drinks because he has a problem and that problem isn't you.

Barbara52

You do not have the power to make him drink no matter what he says how how he tries to blame you (or stress or the color of the sky or the world in general).

Getting information concerning alcoholism, how it affects you and what you can do for yourself is a great starting point. Read the stickies and keep posting. Information is empowering.

splendra

I think the very best response to his blaming is to totally ignore him in this. Let it be like water falling off of a ducks back. If he actually voices that he thinks it is your fault that he drinks say Oh! and nothing else. Visualize water falling off a ducks back or whatever image that would help you focus on letting go when you say Oh!

It is not really his fault that he has an alcohol problem but it is his responsibility to do something about it..

Growing

In alanon we have a slogan called the three C's: I didn't Cause a person to drink...I can't Control a persons drinking...I can't Cure the drinking.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. So many of us don't/won't accept this fact. He will only drink more until he decides for himself to quit or gets help. He may have periods of "controlled drinking" but don't be fooled...they can only do that for so long until it progresses again.

They may even get sober...well...relapse (drinking again, having a "slip" as they say) is part of some alcoholics recovery.

My father never got help and died as an active alcoholic.

This is the reality of the disease your loved one is experiencing. So you have some questions you need to ask yourself in light of this info.

You say you feel uncomfortable in your own home. It is hard to live that way.
What are your choices? You do have choices.

I hope you will check out alanon, keep coming back to SR....read the stickies above....educate yourself and keep posting.

NYC_Chick

I am far from having all the answers at this point having just ended a relationship with an alcoholic, but one thing I have always known is you can never make anyone drink or abuse any other substance for that matter.

Before I met this alcoholic, I lived with someone with a complete addiction to pot. He used to tell me he only smoked pot because I was a miserable person to be with. Oh, I was also boring. I guess I must not have been that bad because six months after that break-up he called crying because he missed me. Maybe he just missed his punching bag.

shakarris

Welcome to SR - I am sorry for your pain.

Good advice above - say nothing. It took me awhile to get this - and I still slip, not too much anymore but there is no use trying to reason - there is no reason other than he drinks because he wants to

keep reading, keep posting, keep learning - you are not alone. I am fairly new here and you will find amazing strength and support.

again welcome

shakarris

Miss Pink

The alcoholic blame game.....

there is alot to learn in dealing with an alcoholic....al-anon is the best place to learn it and get love and support!

FormerDoormat

Kick him out. Then he can blame you all he wants, but you don't have to listen to his crap any more. Worked like a charm for me.

Growing

I love you FormerDoormat!

fluffyflea

How about............ Oh? and walk away.

ngaire

freya

...not only is it all your fault, but there is nothing you can do that would be "right"....and that is because, as others have pointed out, his drinking does not depend on what you do or don't do because he is an alcoholic...but, also because he is an alcoholic, he cannot take responsibility for his own behavior -- especially for his drinking and/or any behavior that he engages while under the influence or while trying to get under the influence. Because his disease does not allow him to take responsibility for his own behavior, someone else has to take that responsibility (at least in his mind). You are the closest person, so more likely than not and more often than not, it's going to be you.

There is nothing you can do that would be right because he needs for everything you do to be wrong in order for him to have an easy out with which to justify his drinking.

That might sound like an inescapable trap to you, but for me when that realization finally hit home, it was very freeing.....I mean, think about it: if there's nothing you can do that is going to be right by him, then you might as well just concentrate on figuring out and doing what is right by you. That way at least one of you can be happy.

freya

hollywood123

Thank you everyone for your responses. It has given me a lot of food for thought. I've been looking at this as what can I do for him; but now see I can only do for me. If I'm going to make this relationship work, it is going to be a difficult road a head and maybe I should look for a different path.....I guess this is a cross road I've been avoiding or thinking (dreaming) I wouldn't have to face. Does anyone think couples therapy would help? thanks again.....

LaTeeDa

What I have heard from my therapist, and others on this board who also have therapists, is that it can be helpful, but (and this is a big BUT) he has to be willing to give up the alcohol. There are usually other problems in the relationship that can be addressed in therapy, but there is no way to honestly and productively address them with the cloud of alcohol hanging over the situation.

My advice would be to see a therapist on your own first. You will learn a lot about yourself and develop some tools for dealing with what is on your plate. And sometimes when one person begins to make positive changes, the other person is motivated to change as well. No guarantee that will happen, but either way it will benefit you. I know it did wonders for me.

L

ARealLady

If I'm going to make this relationship work

It isn't up to just you....it's up to both of you.

Does anyone think couples therapy would help?

Only if your ABF acknowledges his disease and starts working a programme. There doesn't seem much point in spending good money on therapy if you've got this "elephant in the corner". AlAnon is free. Work on you....then you might feel differently.

A wonderful book is Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. She advocates 12 step programmes for the enabler and her writings will help you take control of your life.

ARL

RosieM

My relationship with AH became officially nuts when he said he drank because I put his sox in the wrong drawer. Not knowing anything about this disease, I completely freaked out. In my new knowledge, I'm thinking that if that was all he could come up with I was doing pretty well!

As others here have tried (with the most loving intentions!) to drum into my head - not your fault. Take some steps to take care of yourself, it will really make you feel better. Don't let the whole thing overwhelm you - just a little forward movement here and there will make a huge difference. Just my experience.

Pajarito

I agree. I initiated 5 therapists with my AH. Each one he dropped as soon as his feet were held to the fire. The 4th one figured out he had a drinking problem. He dropped her, but I continue to go to her and she has been a life saver for me.

Also agree- I see my therapist for myself. Originally I had hoped she would help US get through our problems, but it's not meant to be, and boy did I try- for years. My therapist has helped me to see I was living a very narrow life with my AH- and yes, he blames me for everything. I no longer take that on. I am only half of the relationship. I didn't make him drink, and I couldn't make him stop. He left me, and I discovered I didn't want him back. I am now trying to take the energy I was putting into him/us into myself.

Take care of yourself- it's all you can do.

And FDoormat- I love you! I lol- yet again- at your comment above.

NYC_Chick

Couples Therapy...

My recent ex and I went to therapy together after the first time we broke up nearly a year and a half ago. God how I wish I would not have answered the phone! Anyway, we were fortunate enough to find an excellent therapist. I say this now because I've learned a lot. She was able to teach us how to communicate better and our fights were significanly reduced because of it. She also taught me a lot about boundaries and taking care of myself. In fact, right before he came clean about HIS disease she thought we had accomplished enough to reduce our sessions. Then that went out the window with what he came clean with.

I don't regret going and it can really help, but if he is not ready to get to an honest place on any level, it won't work. My ex is in therapy on his own and realizes there is some problem, but he is still unwilling to totally face facts, which is why we are no longer together. My advice is find a very good individual therapist and make the investment in yourself first. I know that sounds harsh, and trust me, I've been crying since this happened on Monday, but you are the only person you can change. I remind myself of that every minute of the day!

Zak68

I heard the same story from my AW.

You stress me out so I drink
House is a mess so I drink
etc, etc...

I tried over the years to change all those stressors so she wouldn't drink but ultimately I realize those were all lies. She drinks because she is an A and there is nothing I can do about it.