RosieM

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this one. My AH has been living with his brother for the past two months after I tossed him out following a series of binges and heavy drinking for a number of years. Told him I needed to see sincerity and effort to come back home. He has been in therapy and has expressed interest in meetings and I believe he will attend (I know, I know - we're waiting to see on that one).

We are scheduled to start couples counseling next week and are taking baby steps toward getting to know each other again. He hasn't been drinking --- but in the past has been able to make it as much as 6 months before relapsing.

He says he wants to come back home but seems to be pressing me for an estimate on when I will be able to trust him and show "affection" for him again. He's been making some good steps and I hope the couples counseling will help guide us through this issue. Right now I am really working on being willing to let go of resentment. But I think most of my problems have resulted from inappropriate trusting so I am most reluctant to open my heart again.

I do have compassion for what this man has gone through. Given his family history, I see now that he barely stood a chance. And he is working hard to do the right things. It must be terribly tough for him. But trust him? How does that happen??

Know this is a big issue for lots of us - what do y'all think?? Thanks to all - this forum is a fantastic resource. RosieM

ICU

OK.....

Personally speaking, I would view that as a red flag. It's putting the burden 'completely' on me. In a relationship, doesn't it take 'two'???

Again, personally speaking, I would rather hear, and more likely trust something along these lines from him...."I've made mistakes, and I'm working very hard to not repeat them. I will keep on doing the right thing and pray that eventually, you will trust me again".

But....that's just 'me'.

P.S. 'Consistant, long-term actions' would have to back up the 'words'.

RosieM

Yeah, ICU, that's what I was thinking! How about something along the lines of "Hey, how can I help you get to the point where we can be comfortable with each other" or something like that?? Seems like he thinks I have a trust switch somewhere I can flick on and off!

ANGELINA243

Trust is something that will have to be earned once again--since he destroyed that by his past behavior. Don't let him pressure you about anything--he is the one with the problem--not you. Couple counseling can be helpful but only if both parties are upfront and honest and willing to change their ways. I don't know him or what he has gone through previously--but it sounds like a "subtle form of manipulation on his part" where you are concerned. Make sure he puts forth some effort--in actions>not only words--before you even reconsider taking him back into your home.

ICU

My reply would be, "only the consistantly trustworthy are worthy of my trust".

Kind of bounces that silly little ball back in his court....were it belongs!

RosieM

Thanks - what a crazy game this is. When I think about it, it's just insane to be putting this back on my shoulders after everything he did to get us into this situation.

hope2bhappy

In recovery... where trust is concerned... actions speak louder than words.

laurie6781

The next time he asks when YOU think he will be able to come home....................simply tell him:

"You're ongoing actions will SHOW when you will be able to come home."

If he persists, just repeat over and over "your actions will show when."

He'll get it...............................eventually.

Then you go on with the business of living and taking care of you.

Oh and btw since it is HIS PROBLEM and HIS RECOVERY you don't need to talk to him daily if you DON'T want to, that is your choice.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Barbara52

Absolutely! He is the one who has to prove he has/is changing. Since he is not in a recovery program, well, white knuckling it doesn't have a great sucess rate. Expressing interest in recovery doesn't mean any more than me saying I am Empress of the Universe.

Personally I would be saying something along the lines of after you've seriously be working a recovery program for X months (for me it would be at least a year), then we can talk about what the future holds and whether we can be a couple.

denny57

What has he done to make you believe this; where does his attendance fit in with what you would like to see for the relationship?

SerenitySeaker

When I struggled with trusting my ah I remembered the words of a past therapist.
"the way to earn trust is by letting your actions show that you are trustworthy"

Point taken.

GiveLove

So he wants to have a calendar date of when you'll agree to start having sex with him again. Sorry to sound so cruel, but that's exactly what that sounds like.

Here, look what a good boy I've been. When will you take me back? How 'bout now? No, just forget all that stuff I did. I'm a good boy now, see? You owe it to me to take me back. I want a date. I want a commitment. Now. No, that's not soon enough. How 'bout now?

Do YOU feel the need to put a timetable on things? Does that make YOU feel good? You have already said that he is good for a 6-month relapse. How about giving him a year? How about two years?

How about, "When it feels right in my heart, and it may never feel right." Have you worked through your anger, your hurt? Have you healed yourself? Are you going to couples counseling because YOU want to, or because you think it's the "right" thing to do, some kind of reward for good behavior?

Take care of YOU, Rosie. Do you really want to fall down that well of dread and chaos again, so soon?

shakarris

is there really a time limit, after all it did not get to this point over night.

What you have not said is what you want..

shakarris

Janitw

Tell him that it took years to get where the two of you are now and it will take years to undo it. Tell him - time tells when the time is right and there is no specific date. The best way to determine what the future will be is to take a look at what the past has been. UNLESS there is a paper trail to show otherwise.

Janitw

NoelleR

Hey RosieM ---
You've gotten a lot of good suggestions here.....I believe I remember you saying, "...We are scheduled to start couples counseling next week and are taking baby steps toward getting to know each other again..." That's a very good thing, and I hope it happens.....and that it helps.

Your/his question....about how long, etc. and all the suggestions you've received here sounds like it would be a good thing to discuss with him....and the counselor.....Perhaps this person can help you dig through all the suggestions and find something (a plan) that will work for both you and your AH....

I hope this helps in some little way..... (o:


NoelleR

RosieM

Thanks to all. Have been away from the computer for a few days and will take some time to digest all these comments - very helpful. I am definitely going to talk to the counselor about all this in couples counseling. AH has made some progress but not enough for me, not yet. I told him I need to see him in a regular support group meeting to move forward in any way. That's the "nothing changes if nothing changes" part of all this - he has done therapy before, been through rehab, but can't handle the regular meetings. It would help me to see him in those meetings and to hear him talk about them. He asked me to provide him with phone numbers and locations, which I did, so now the ball is in his court.

We moved here from the south to be near his family after the hurricane. My family is still down south and the pull to go back is so strong but it's a tough place to go back to. So to kind of put the cherry on the sundae, I'm still in the process of getting settled here. It's great that he has his family so close and he has looped them in on his struggle (that is relatively new as well) so I do see some forward movement and I know recovery is not a straight line and I do have enough in the way of feelings left for him to want to support his efforts. I think he would do that for me if things were normal and the situation was reversed. But it is a hard road all the way around.

Rambling me. Thank you all again for your support. It really helps.

Barbara52

To me, this is significant. If he is serious, he doesn't need you to look up meetings. He is fully capable of doing that himself. Yet he manipulates you into doing it and you enable him by doing it for him. Its a little thing but its also typical of alcoholic/enabler behavior.

laurie6781

I'm sorry but that is still manipulation.........................the easier softer way, instead of him opening the phone book, getting the number and calling AA HIMSELF.

Please find some Alanon meetings for you. We alkies become Professionals at getting other people to do for us what we really NEED TO BE DOING FOR OURSELVES.

And yes it carries over into sobriety. Only with hard work and commitment can and will an alkie change. I speak from my own experience.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

RosieM

Hmmm...guess I'm confused! I always heard and read that when they ask for information it's ok to provide it as long as you don't ram it down their throats or force the issue? Having said that, everything else here is resonating with me. I'm a long way from working through my resentment.

I'm looking forward to couples counseling about as much as a root canal, btw.

He's been great about giving me space - in fact, I barely talk to him and have to say I have no idea who he is or where his head is about all this at the moment, except that he is implementing techniques with his therapist to deal with anger. This therapist is the one we will be seeing together.

Love and hugs back to all y'all.

RosieM

That's a good one. Thanks for the smile, Anvil. Point taken.