just joined
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: western US
Posts: 5
just joined
I posted this somewhere else as an introduction, but didn't realize I should be over here in the family section. So here it is again:
I am here because I live with an alcoholic/drug addicted husband. We have 4 kids and live well; I add that because of the stereotype that addicts often have of being irresponsible. He is high up on the corporate ladder and maintains our finances. His addiction is to stress relief/anxiety drugs, medicines, and whiskey. I find hidden whiskey bottles everywhere and he orders the anxiety meds illegally. He pops these with the alcohol and doesn't listen to warnings that they are dangerous. He turned himself into rehab last yr, but then claimed he was well, but is not. He is angry, stressed, and verbally abusive to the kids and I. He demands sex from me and rages if I don't comply, so perhaps that falls into physical abuse. I don't feel I can live another day with him. Unlike many I've read here, I do not love him, I only fear him and stay because I am not in a position to raise or provide for our 4 children alone. He also has connections in high places and I know he would make sure to ruin me financially if I tried to leave him.
Ok, thx for letting me share. I don't know what to do. We've been to counseling before and did not receive much help. One was a Christian counselor that basically had us pray for change. I am a Christian, and I do believe in the power of prayer, but I didn't need to pay $100.00 a wk to hear that. Can family members go to AA w/out the addict? I've wondered if they could offer some help to me.
I am here because I live with an alcoholic/drug addicted husband. We have 4 kids and live well; I add that because of the stereotype that addicts often have of being irresponsible. He is high up on the corporate ladder and maintains our finances. His addiction is to stress relief/anxiety drugs, medicines, and whiskey. I find hidden whiskey bottles everywhere and he orders the anxiety meds illegally. He pops these with the alcohol and doesn't listen to warnings that they are dangerous. He turned himself into rehab last yr, but then claimed he was well, but is not. He is angry, stressed, and verbally abusive to the kids and I. He demands sex from me and rages if I don't comply, so perhaps that falls into physical abuse. I don't feel I can live another day with him. Unlike many I've read here, I do not love him, I only fear him and stay because I am not in a position to raise or provide for our 4 children alone. He also has connections in high places and I know he would make sure to ruin me financially if I tried to leave him.
Ok, thx for letting me share. I don't know what to do. We've been to counseling before and did not receive much help. One was a Christian counselor that basically had us pray for change. I am a Christian, and I do believe in the power of prayer, but I didn't need to pay $100.00 a wk to hear that. Can family members go to AA w/out the addict? I've wondered if they could offer some help to me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome. You will find great information and people in here.
The meeting for folks like us is AlAnon, specifically for family and friends of the alcoholics. See if you can find a meeting in your area. Many in here swear by these meetings.
Read the stickies and people's stories. You are not alone.
The meeting for folks like us is AlAnon, specifically for family and friends of the alcoholics. See if you can find a meeting in your area. Many in here swear by these meetings.
Read the stickies and people's stories. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: California
Posts: 303
Hi Simbala,
I just joined myself and I can relate to your story. I too, live with an AH, who does well in his career, is well respected at the office (I would respect him at home too, but it's hard to respect someone who is drunk). I am a stay at home mom with 2 children, and I too have the worry that I would not be able to make it on my own.
I have gone to 1 Alanon mtg., and plan to go to more. I have also started seeing a therapist. I am doing this for me, not for him. I cannot make him do anything he does not want to.
I learned some wise words at Alanon last week. I'll share them with you...It's called the 3 C's: You do not Cause his drinking, You cannot Control his drinking, and you cannot Cure his drinking. This was very helpful to me. We can only control what we do and how we act.
Shivaya
I just joined myself and I can relate to your story. I too, live with an AH, who does well in his career, is well respected at the office (I would respect him at home too, but it's hard to respect someone who is drunk). I am a stay at home mom with 2 children, and I too have the worry that I would not be able to make it on my own.
I have gone to 1 Alanon mtg., and plan to go to more. I have also started seeing a therapist. I am doing this for me, not for him. I cannot make him do anything he does not want to.
I learned some wise words at Alanon last week. I'll share them with you...It's called the 3 C's: You do not Cause his drinking, You cannot Control his drinking, and you cannot Cure his drinking. This was very helpful to me. We can only control what we do and how we act.
Shivaya
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
((((Simbala))))Sending you my care and support. I had been pulled into the vortex of a loved one of mine, who was involved with a narcissist...so I understand your story to some degree...
In order to escape this man..she had to put herself,into her own version, of a witness protection program.
Over time, with the help of her family, she "disappeared" from his life...first she changed her phone number and then she moved away. This guy was just her boyfriend! So I understand your challenges somewhat.
I lost my program and serenity over this situation (our families shared a buisness together). I had what you might call an alanon/acoa relapse.
I was just as an outside observer! The destruction of a person like this harms bystanders even, like a tornado.
"Can family members go to AA w/out the addict? I've wondered if they could offer some help to me."
Yes! Family members can go to "open" aa meetings, meaning open to anyone. Call anyone from your aa listings in the phone book and they can give you the info or point you to someone who can. After the open aa meetings, those who wish to can speak with you, so make sure to ask for that if you decide to share.
I recommend that and alanon. I have gone to both myself.
You will find many with your same story...Alcoholic/Addicts come from all walks of life and demographics.
Keep coming back here to SR....keep us posted...I will be praying for you.
In order to escape this man..she had to put herself,into her own version, of a witness protection program.
Over time, with the help of her family, she "disappeared" from his life...first she changed her phone number and then she moved away. This guy was just her boyfriend! So I understand your challenges somewhat.
I lost my program and serenity over this situation (our families shared a buisness together). I had what you might call an alanon/acoa relapse.
I was just as an outside observer! The destruction of a person like this harms bystanders even, like a tornado.
"Can family members go to AA w/out the addict? I've wondered if they could offer some help to me."
Yes! Family members can go to "open" aa meetings, meaning open to anyone. Call anyone from your aa listings in the phone book and they can give you the info or point you to someone who can. After the open aa meetings, those who wish to can speak with you, so make sure to ask for that if you decide to share.
I recommend that and alanon. I have gone to both myself.
You will find many with your same story...Alcoholic/Addicts come from all walks of life and demographics.
Keep coming back here to SR....keep us posted...I will be praying for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Welcome, Simbala!
You will find great strength just in reading these boards and it sounds as if attending Alanon meetings will help you.
He also has connections in high places and I know he would make sure to ruin me financially if I tried to leave him.
I think you need to talk to a lawyer. Every state has legislation about divorce and the needs of children and the spouse are clearly addressed and recognized by the courts. From what you describe of your AH's addictive behaviours, he probably wouldn't even get joint custody!
It's so easy to believe we can't do things when we get caught up with living with this disease. Believe in yourself! You CAN do what you have to do!
ARL
You will find great strength just in reading these boards and it sounds as if attending Alanon meetings will help you.
He also has connections in high places and I know he would make sure to ruin me financially if I tried to leave him.
I think you need to talk to a lawyer. Every state has legislation about divorce and the needs of children and the spouse are clearly addressed and recognized by the courts. From what you describe of your AH's addictive behaviours, he probably wouldn't even get joint custody!
It's so easy to believe we can't do things when we get caught up with living with this disease. Believe in yourself! You CAN do what you have to do!
ARL
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
Welcome, and give yourself all the time you need to understand what you're dealing with. Considering your situation with the kids, finances, fears - - maybe just taking time to read, get some feedback/support, and educating yourself about alcoholism and addiction for awhile would be a good thing.
AlAnon meetings often happen weekdays while the kids are in school and husbands/partners are at work. You can build a support system and gain the knowledge you need to cope better with no one knowing about it.
Glad you're here.
AlAnon meetings often happen weekdays while the kids are in school and husbands/partners are at work. You can build a support system and gain the knowledge you need to cope better with no one knowing about it.
Glad you're here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
you sound like you are at the breaking point. and your family home sounds horrible for your children. i'm sorry you feel so trapped and are being abused.
it is hard to think clearly when one is being abused. in addition to attending al-anon, you would do well to find an attorney who is powerful enough not to be scared off by your husband's manuevers but who is humane enough to connect with you and give you good clear instruction on exactly what to do to prepare for what seems inevitable separation and divorce. perhaps prayer can help you find this person. and perhaps a call to a domestic violence center. when we have no clarity and no experience, sometimes we just have to do what others instruct. this is what they do in AA.
as the above poster described, you may well have to plan to escape with the children. you won't be the first abused spouse who's done that, and dealt with divorce from a safe distance.
no one in al-anon or here can advise you what you should do, except to support your efforts to get away.
get away. the lives and souls of your children deserve it.
it is hard to think clearly when one is being abused. in addition to attending al-anon, you would do well to find an attorney who is powerful enough not to be scared off by your husband's manuevers but who is humane enough to connect with you and give you good clear instruction on exactly what to do to prepare for what seems inevitable separation and divorce. perhaps prayer can help you find this person. and perhaps a call to a domestic violence center. when we have no clarity and no experience, sometimes we just have to do what others instruct. this is what they do in AA.
as the above poster described, you may well have to plan to escape with the children. you won't be the first abused spouse who's done that, and dealt with divorce from a safe distance.
no one in al-anon or here can advise you what you should do, except to support your efforts to get away.
get away. the lives and souls of your children deserve it.
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