queenteree

Hi All,
This is me again, Ms. Stupid idiot. Just when I think I got it all under control and can handle everything, it happens. I get side swiped. As you all may remember, I was the one that in Oct. got an order of protection against my AH, first stay away then the judge modified it. Then he was court mandated to go to IOP alcohol therapy 4 nights a week, 3 hours a night. The court called him for random urine tests plus they did tests at the center where he went. His attitude improved and while I knew he drank once in a while, it was not often. Anyway, last court date he got it from the court calling him in for random tests to just getting tested at the center. The judge OK'd that. Then he got a lawyer to go this time (this past Friday). I thought my AH was truly working on himself, he was sooooo understanding of all the did to me while he was drinking, promising me all the time he would make it up to me. Anyway, on Friday at court, his lawyer tells me that if AH promises to attend program, would I consider dropping the order since we are working on our marriage and AH can't really keep taking off for court (he will eventually lose his job, they are really strict about that), that we can lose the house if that happens, etc. I say well what if he starts doing the stuff he was doing? AH and lawyer say then AH will leave the house and get an apartment. AH promises I won't regret it. He's realized the errors of his ways. Even the court office told AH how good he looked and glad that program was working for him. So what does TOTALLY STUPID ME DO???? I agreed to withdraw my petition so "we could move on w/our lives and marriage." Last thing AH says to me is "you won't regret this, I promise" Anyway, AH comes home from work looking buzzed. I was a little upset, but let it go. Anyway, AH pours me a beer and tells me that I look stressed and he wants me to know that it's OK for me to drink a beer or two in front of him, that it won't affect anything. So I actually was stupid and had it. Next thing you know, AH is getting more buzzed and starts telling me how he has the center fooled, he was drinking all along, etc. I get upset (I know, played into it), we get into an argument and next thing you know, I said "I can't believe you played me, you piece of sh**" With that, he calls the police on me, I am harassing him by using that language to him, I'm cursing at him which is harassment. The police come, I'm crying hysterically cause I just can't believe what's going on, he tells the police I am intoxicated (and to tell you the truth, how hysterically crying I was and just going on and on made it kinda look like I was, I guess, cause no normal person would be like that), I tell the police how I just withdrew my order that morning and this is his was of getting me back. Tell them he's an alcoholic and you know what, they tell me I appear intoxicated. I asked them to do a breathalyzer on both of us to see who's intoxicated, but they refused. Anyway, the police leave, I'm sitting there crying, he's going on and on to me, I started feeding into it again, and BAM he calls the police again AND TELLS THEM I HIT HIM!!!! I did not!!! I called my friend to come pick me up, she did just as the police came there and even she was surprised how I was crying and hysterical I was. Anyway, I went back to her house, the next morning I went home, he wasn't home, I fell asleep for like 3 hours, he comes home, I woke up. He says to me that the detective called him and told him he could press CRIMINAL charges against me on Monday, so that is what he's doing. All I said was that I can't believe he did all this to me, and I'm going to go back to court on Monday and try and get my order reinstated. I said "you're so f***in stupid, you should have at least waited a week or so, I hope the judge sees how obvious this is." With that, since I cursed - HE CALLED THE POLICE ON ME AGAIN. The police came again and said that someone is going to be arrested and since he keeps calling on me, it will probably be me. I tried to show them the order, the one officer even told me he could tell my AH was intoxicated, anyway, I had to leave. AH tells me I could make this all go away if I do everything he wants me to do. He also told me he was going to bring me down like I brought him down and another time said he was going to make me suffer for 3 months that I made him suffer, wants me to have a criminal record, etc. Game on, paybacks are a bit** I was hysterical crying to the point of actually a major breakdown cause I spoke to my son on the phone, he got so worried about me, he called the police cause he wasn't sure if I would kill myself or anything (that's how truly hysterical I was), Police come and take me to the hospital psych ward, I spoke to a psychiatrist, she knew I wasn't a danger to myself (which was their concern), and thank God released me and I'm now at my friend's house. I am at a loss as to what to do. Should I go to criminal court Monday or back to Family Court??? Would I even be able to press criminal charges or get a stay away order. I'm actually embarassed to go back to family court cause of Friday. Anyone been thru this? Please help. I'm still so upset w/myself for allowing all this to happen again and be manipulated. My sons both said they would go w/me today to my house to get my clothes, they are too thru with him also. I'm so worried as to what to do, but I don't have any other clothes here, no makeup, nothing or shoes (just sneakers) and I have to go to work. I know I truly can never go home again. My son said I should consider this a blessing, how can I when I'm the one losing out, not AH. Thanks for listening. Any advise would be helpful. Thanks.

Barbara52

First, take some time to just breathe. You will be ok.

I would take up my sons' offer to go to the house and get your things. It sounds to me like keeping some physical distance between you and AH would be a good idea for you. You do not need all the drama interfering with your ability to think clearly.

What it comes down to is you probably need to take some time apart to calm down and think things through. You don't need to decide anything immediately. Give yourself time to think without the panic I see in your words.

peaceteach

I'm so sorry you had such a nightmare experience, Queenteree. I am with your sons on this. Time to walk away from the madness, even if it means "losing out" to you right now. The man sounds diabolical and dangerous. He thinks he can outsmart you. Let him. You have your sons, your job, and good friends. Starting over with ALL of your focus on YOU and none of it on him will be freeing and healing, sister. Good luck and I am praying for you right now.

Barbara52

One other thing. If you have not had an attorney up to this point, it may be time to at least consult one. If you do have an attorney, talk them them Monday and let them help you figure out the right options.

ICU

Queen, yes, my ex was very, very vengeful, calculating, devious, etc. Towards the end of our relationship, he told me that while I was sleeping, he would put my fingerprints on a large kitchen knife, stab 'himself', then call the police to have me arrested, and I too would have a record, etc.

It was his outbursts like this that led to my decision that 'it was time to save my life'. I did what it took and got the RO for the first time.

I've learned when they start talking and acting like this, it's NO time to doubt them, or, to take it lightly.

I think it's a good idea to get the RO in place once again. In the meantime, please, be very, very careful about any interactions you may have with him. Maybe it's even a better idea to let your lawyers talk to each other. It's obvious he will turn everything around to 'his' advantage. If he can fool the courts, fooling you is a piece of cake...to him!

Please, be careful!!!!

Growing

I agree with Barbara and Anvil.

"I know I truly can never go home again. My son said I should consider this a blessing, how can I when I'm the one losing out, not AH."

In my opinion, you looking like you are "losing out" is the least of your problems. You need to get stable. Be the adult and stop all this tit for tat unless he is physically harming you and you need a restraining order. Make yourself safe, get some stability and leave the games behind.

Like Anvil said: "i would strongly consider cutting my losses and just getting the hell out."

hadenoughnow

I'm so sorry Teree, but I am so glad you posted this, it will help me stick to my guns with the A. I agree that you should leave and see an attorney. It sounds to me like he just wants you out so he can drink up a storm!

My STBX (who is moving out in 2 weeks) has been trying to con me into dropping the divorce and just being informally separated then he tells me that his lease says he can get out by giving 30 days notice and letting them keep his sec deposit. He is trying to get back into the house and he hasn't even left yet!

NO WAY! He will be getting his settlement offer this week, if he does not sign then I will see him at the hearings that the court will schedule if we don't settle soon.

hope2bhappy

QT - You have been sitting on the fence for a long time, not sure of which way to go. I previously told you that when I was faced with two paths to follow, and did not know which one to take, that my HP would often put a set of circumstances in front of me, and then it would become clear which path I should take. Perhaps all of this turmoil is your HP trying to show you (very clearly) which path you should follow. He is trying to lead you to a better life, but He can only light the way -- you are the one who must walk towards it. Listen to your HP, not your AH. There is a better life for you, and He will lead you to it.

queenteree

AH just showed up at my friend's house. She answered the door, went outside and he wanted to talk to me. She said she would see if I wanted to. He starts saying "so this is how it's gonna be, ok" over and over again to her. I went outside for 2 mins w/her as my witness. He said he was not going to go the court on me, for me not to go to court on him (could it be he's scared cause he did it that very same night that I withdrew the order), told me it's time to divorce and sell the house, I said I agree, he asked me not to do anything rash like buy my own car (my car is in his name now), don't take him off my medical insurance, etc. until we start divorce proceedings, I said I wouldn't do anything rash. He also told me that I could come home, that he would stay upstairs and we'd live that way till the house is sold. This is the same speech over and over, he lives upstairs for the month he's on his bender, then stops drinking and begs forgiveness. I know truly truly know that he needs me there to have someone to start fights with, to give him ammo to drink, to blame, etc. I will NOT give him that opportunity this time. I will NOT go home. And in the past, as you all know, I have said "why should I have to leave my home" and I usually stay. Not this time. I anticipate problems later when my sons (both over 6 feet tall) go w/me to get my stuff, but you know what, I'll deal with it. Then I will stay at my friend's house for a few days to get some clarity and will find an apt, move out during the day while he's at work. Tomorrow I am telling my office manager to change my automatic deposit to my own bank account, so no more funds will be going into the joint account, and tomorrow I know he will call me (has to have that blame, ammo thing) but as far as I'm concerned, I don't need to talk to him about anything. I told him I wasn't going to do anything rash and I'm not. Just no contact at all. I will also warn my co-workers to refuse any flowers with big goodbye ballons (has a habit of doing that too to me) and not to let him in the building. These are steps I have never taken before. Anything else anyone can think of? Thing that bothers me most, I feel so STUPID!!!!

queenteree

By the way, my wonderful son (28 years old) told me that I was always his hero. I asked why and he said cause I lived thru hell w/my first marriage (abusive husband) and got out of it and made a better life for myself, and when I first left AH (before we were married and he went to rehab and was sober for 14 years) I made a better life for myself and I am one of the strongest people he knows. I told him I'm tired and weak, not strong. But it did make me feel good.

peaceteach

No, you are strong. You just don't know it at the moment. When I was going through my divorce from AH, everyone told me I was strong and Lord knows I didn't feel strong at all. But now I know, strength is continuing to put one foot in front of the other, walking into who knows what direction, as long as it is putting a stop to the insanity and keeping yourself on a newly found path toward hope. Hope for you, honey.

What's up with the "car" comment he made? I don't trust him. And find out from your lawyer if you CAN take him off your insurance. Let him find his own way now. Make sure to cancel all joint accounts tomorrow-credit cards.

Don't give him any more ammo to use in the divorce. I agree with the no contact at this point. Good luck, Queen. You sound a lot better!

carolineb

.......there is only ONE reason to feel stupid....if you go back. Don't beat yourself up. You perhaps needed to go through every step to finally do what is BEST for you in the long run. My heart bleeds for you. Find strength. Dig deep. Get out.

Miss Pink

Darlin....

Why, oh why, did you agre to speak with him at your friends house?

STOP the communication, emmeshment. If you dont change, you will always be getting hurt by this psychotic man.

Get yourself protected, emotionally, spiritually and physically, and DO NOT MOVE INTO THAT HOUSE WITH HIM AGAIN! unless, of course, you want more of the same.

Which you dont. Stop kicking yourself and LEARN from this....HE HASNT CHANGED!!

HUGS

miss communicat

QT

Great advice so far. Step back, waay back from your AH. No more discussions. No more contact. Get centered and calm so you regain clear perspective. Let go of the court stuff and decisions for this moment and gather yourself.

This situation, as you described it, really illustrates how codependence and alcoholism totally demolishes so many people's lives. There is, in codependency, a chemical reaction that is as addictive to the codependent as the chemistry in a drinker's brain. Emotions are powerful stuff.

When you described the police coming to your house and thinking you were intoxicated, and you said you were only hysterical, NOT intoxicated, it caused me to reflect deeply.

Being hysterical IS intoxicated. It is a state of mind that distorts perceptions, thinking and behavior.

Please take the time and distance you need to restore your sanity. Then, get an attorney, but consider cutting your losses and leaving wth your sanity. You will certainly need it in your new life. Good luck!

melbar4

I am going through a rough divorce with my AH. I have asked him to do all communication through email and through our attorneys. He has not respected that many times, insisting on just calling to speak with me or the kids. The few times, I have actually picked up the phone, he just upsets me so much, makes me take several steps backwards. Don't talk with him is my suggestion. Get yourself right. Lean on your loved ones and get stronger. One day at a time. It is hard and it hurts but in the end, you will have happier days. At least that is what I am looking forward to.
Hugs to you darling. If you are like me, it feels like a horrible nightmare.
Melissa

Chrysalis123

There is, in codependency, a chemical reaction that is as addictive to the codependent as the chemistry in a drinker's brain. Emotions are powerful stuff.

I had a big codie "slip" last weekend and I experienced the above. I could not stop myself from interacting with AH, who I am divorcing". I felt out of control and it took me several days to regain my balance. I physically felt weird right after the incident. I had managed for 4 months to have no contact except email. This incident made remember that I am sick and I need no contact to protect myself.

Please find out your state's laws about divorce. In my state, once the divorce is filed certain injunctions are placed on the couple. On requires that health insurance cannot be removed from either spouse by the other spouse. Another requires that out of the ordinary expenses are not allowed...like a car.

You can do this. Think one day at a time versus the whole thing. Think one tiny thing at a time. You will get through this, I can feel your strength.

ARealLady

((((((QT))))))))))

You are a strong person and you know it otherwise you wouldn't be posting here seeking to rediscover the strength you have in you.

You can start again and you WILL be OK again too.

Sending you positive thoughts.

ARL

Growing

"But now I know, strength is continuing to put one foot in front of the other, walking into who knows what direction, as long as it is putting a stop to the insanity and keeping yourself on a newly found path toward hope. Hope for you, honey."---peaceteach

The above made me cry...thank you peaceteach...one foot in front of the other...on a new found path toward hope....this is strength...

((((QueenT))))

I don't have anything to add to what the rest of the "family" here have said....I am just supporting and praying for you...You know what to do...you will do it...Trust your HP.

Janitw

(((((((((((((((((Teree))))))))))))))))

All you have to be is smarter than a can of beer.........talk only through lawyers thats what they are there for....stand strong and stand tall let those boys of yours see the backbone of their mother..get mad not sad....take charge...remember the best defense is a good offense.....

denny57

I love this site and you, too Janitw. Good luck, QT ((()))