realityislife

I'm reading Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D. The Complete ACOA Sourcebook. Now, in case you haven't read this book.. it's based on the 12 steps.. it gives little excerpts from ACOA's and gives some kind of explaination as to the reasoning for a majority of the characteristics, and I believe it goes into how you can change things.. or at least how you can begin to change things towards the end, but I haven't yet gotten that far.. Anyway, here's my question.

As I'm reading, I realize that although a lot of the characteristics apply to me in everyday life, somethings I look at and say.. if I blame this characteristic on being an ACOA it's like I'm using a scapegoat.. like my mother's disease is my scapegoat.

I'm going to clarify here, I'm writing a letter to my father (who is not the A), in the letter I'm describing why I've done things I've done, I'm attributing a lot of things that I've done wrong to the fact that my mother was not emotionally there for me as a child, that she, whether she did it intentionally or not, taught me things that I used in my life.. mainly, lying. I lie to my father all the time, and I wish I knew why... no, that's a lie right there.. the reason I lie to him is for acceptance. I feel as if I lie to him, and tell him I did something I was supposed to do, an he believes me... then I look good in his eyes... until he finds out I lied and things get even worse!!!

Have any of you read this book.. or even read the characteristics of an ACOA and thought.. wow this almost seems like excuses.. excuses that are making it easier to not take responsibility for my actions??

Someone please let me know if I've completely lost it over here....:wtf2

best

Excuses are things we use so we won't need do what we should.

Reasons are things that happened that explain why things may be as they are.

When we know the reasons, we are at a point we can find solutions. OR...we can continue on in life making excuses and never grow out of the place we are in.

Barbara52

I avoided dealing with my issues relating to being an ACOA for years becasue I thought (to some degree) that exploring all that was providing excuses. I now understand that exploring the reasons why I am who I am means I am seeeking understanding of my issues and that that is the first step to making changes in myself.

I don't think I can make the necessary changes until I understand the whys of the issues. Otherwise I can make surface changes but not deal with the roots.

I do not say to myself that "I am this because of that" as a way of saying "so don't blame me for it." I say it so that I can then say "and this is what I need to do so I can change what I learned growing up."

Growing

I don't think you have lost it...I hope you don't see what I have to say as negative because I say this in love...from one acoa to another...I do think you are rationalizing and looking for an escape route..You are getting into some deep water...your lying is being addressed and this feels uncomforable...so you want an excuse to bail out of this acoa/characteristics stuff...been there and done that myself....didn't work for me...I was lying to myself. Its like, "If I can prove the characteristics are just excuses for bad behavior then I won't have to deal with this aspect of my recovery."

That being said it is your choice and you have many choices.

We are dealing with something similar in the acoa section here at SR. Along with the "characteristics" is the three "rules" of the alcoholic home. Don't Trust (the truth of your characteristics)...Don't Feel (uncomfortable about it)...Don't Talk: (or speak the truth or validate the characteristics because they are just excuses)

From the acoa thread: "As acoa's, it is important for us to detail what happened to us...trust, feel and talk...to validate it. This can be overwhelming in the beginning and I don't know of anyone in acoa recovery who skipped this. It is also, an ongoing process, as memories surface and we cycle back and forth between what is percieved as "beginning, middle and end" processes.

You are an acoa and coming to grips with what that means. Memories surface. Acoa's tend to suppress their feelings, dissassociate/deny reality. (Don't trust "yourself or others"...don't feel...dont talk....you could even add don't remember, IMHO)

"Ideally", the acoa moves through accepting they are acoa, deals with feelings, remembers everything and details it...and then takes the focus off the addict/alcoholic and focuses on themeselves. But we all cycle back and forth through stages...this is healthy...for an acoa."

denny57

I also had to learn it was about learning the reasons, not using excuses. Once I understand why I act or believes a certain way or thing I can change.