Shivaya

Once upon a time there was a 22yr old woman, who met and fell in love with a 23yr old man. They were married 5 years later. Fast forward to 2008, been together for 19 years, married for 14. Have 2 children, ages 9 and 3. The husband has always been a drinker, and over the course of the last 10 years, the drinking and the behavior that comes with it has worsened. It is now unbearable.

I never pictured having a husband that would: pass out on the sofa frequently, stumble and fall, urinate on the floors in our home, have complete blackouts, try to "cut back" and only drink on weekends, not be able to help out during an emergency with his children because he was drunk.

So...my last straw was about 3 weeks ago when my AH was drunk 3 nights in a row, passing out on the couch, stumbling into bed @ 6am. Not being able to go to work for 2 days bc he was so sick (alcohol poisoning?). So...once again, I put my foot down. This will not happen in my house again!

He says yes, he knows that he has been out of control, and that he should not drink the hard stuff anymore. And yes, he has been so much better for 3 weeks, but we have been here before, and why is this time different?

Well, before I went to my 1st AlAnon mtg., I threatened him with "If you get that drunk in this house again, I will change the locks". Ooohhh, this made him very mad (of course).

Now I know that I cannot make threats. I can only work on me and the things that I can control (my behavior, my actions).

So now he says "I need some time away so I can decide if I want to work on this marriage or not. I think it may be too far gone to repair".

My AH feels unloved by myself and sometimes the kids, and I admit and accept responsibility for really just ignoring him a lot of the time, even when he is not drinking (which is hardly ever). But, I truly believe that the reason I do ignore him is because I've lost respect, even though he does provide for the family financially. And how could you not lose respect when you are cleaning up someones urine, or spilled drink, or spilled food all over your living room floor because he dropped his plate as he passed out.

I feel desperate and I feel like I need to run, run, run to AlAnon screaming for help and support. It's interesting, I never knew how much my AH hated me, until I tried to put a stop his drinking, and now boy he shows me his hate (with his words). I've opened a huge can of "worms" and there is no turning back.

It sure does feel good just to get it all out.

Om ***** Shivaya - "I bow to my inner self, and that which I am capable of becoming"

laurie6781

Welcome to SR. You have found a really GREAT place, with folks who have been or are where you are know. There is a lot of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) for you to draw from, much of it gained by the individuals working on themselves and by many of them using Alanon to improve their lives. Myself included.

He doesn't hate you. Alcohol has become his MISTRESS and his MASTER. You are interfering with his drinking, and that is where the words are coming from.

This is his "Distorted Reality" and will allow him to drink 'all the time.' He's not ready to give it up yet.

So.........................................as you cannot change him, we can only change ourselves, sounds like it's time to work on you, and continue to take care of and protect your children.

Remember the 3 C's:

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care so very much!

Love and hugs,

peaceteach

It is hard to love your spouse when you lose the respect for them you once had. Maybe he does need to move out for a while and see what living with just himself will truly be like. Let HIM be the one to see the mess he makes and have to clean it up. Let him be the one to realize he is miserable with or without you, that it is the disease that is causing his pain, not you.

denny57

Welcome to SR, Shivaya, glad you're here!

Al-Anon helped me see that I had lost respect for myself. Just as the alcoholic was projecting his stuff onto me, I was doing the same. I'm glad you've found it helpful so far. It changed my life.

Look forward to getting to know you.

p.s. I despise that chapter "To the Wives" LOL.

carolineb

This is the alcoholic talking....putting himself in a position of power and you in a position of need. When he says these things, try to detach and just say okay.
He doesn't love himself....but he won't need to look at that if he makes it your fault.


I have found the book series....'Getting Them Sober' to be extremely helpful in learning to see the difference between the person talking and the alcoholic talking. Problem is...you can't have one without the other, so you need to learn to understand it. Knowledge is power....and helps you detach.

Good luck to you.

Growing

"I feel like I need to run, run, run to AlAnon screaming for help and support."

("RUN.....FOREST.....RUN!!!!!!!!!!!")

RUN......SHIVAYA......RUN!!!!!!!!!!!.......to alanon!

Shivaya

Laurie6781, thank you for your reply. I knew this site would be a good thing for me. It's very helpful to put my AH's words on here, and to have someone explain exactly what they do mean ('cause I certainly am confused by his words). I know in my heart that he truly does not hate me, but it certainly does not make one feel good to have your spouse say this.

And thank you so much for the "distorted reality" comment. I can see this now. It is much easier to go away and continue to do what you want, then stay and work on your problems.

Thanks again,
Shivaya

Shivaya

Hi Crusader 1235,

Thanks for your reply. I won't be changing the locks on my house, it was just a threat because I didn't know how else to make my AH understand that I am serious about not wanting a passed out, blacked out husband in my home any longer.

Of course I made this threat before my 1st AlAnon mtg. and now know that this was very wrong. Does not solve anything.

As for the no hard alcohol, yes, I know it's all the same, but he does not get that. He's already seen some of my AlAnon reading material, not read it, but saw it. He says he's not happy that I am going to these mtgs., and I told him the mtgs. are not about him, but about me and how to deal with my issues. I think I'll get the Big Book and read it myself and maybe he'll come around one day and read it too!

Thank you,
Shivaya

Chrysalis123

Here is a link for The Big Book online

Big Book On Line

Shivaya

Thank you to all who replied. You may notice that I just figured out that I can reply to all of you at once, rather than individually! Silly me, always making things more difficult rather than easier. Guess I love a challenge.

Your insights help tremendously. I guess I felt power when I made my threat, and then it was turned around on me and I felt threatened because he's not sure if he wants to try and make it work.

Okay, now its confession time. I've been very strong and firm (this lasted for about an hour) during a conversation I had with my AH the other night. I said "I'm here for you, ready to love you and take care of you, and be a family, but without the alcohol". He was not happy about this, does not like to be given an ultimatum. He says "Are you sure you want to go there?" I say "yes". And I do hold strong like I said for about an hour. Then we get into "how do you feel about living in an apartment?" (this is him saying to me). I say "no problem, I can live in an apartment with my children". He says "who says you can get both children?" I take this to mean that he will fight me on custody of the children if it comes to this.

Guess what? This stops me in my tracks. I make a complete turnaround. Okay honey, it's okay that you still drink beer, as long as there is no hard alcohol. He is very pleased with this. I can feel his sense of relief.

So...I guess I'm living with this and thank goodness I've found a support system.

Thanks for reading!

Shivaya

Lilyflower

Hi Shivaya,
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you are trying to gain a deeper understanding of your AH's behaviours and treatment of you, it's very important for YOU. It will enable to you remain calm, and detach with love and also free your phyche from under his control.

A few things I noticed in your post...

Have you read up on codependency? For codependents, like myself, it is easy to slip into 'controlling' behaviour. I want my abf to act the way I want him too. I want him to be sober all the time and act in a way I find responsible and mature and to not act in ways that make me feel irritated un-loved or undermined. Sounds fine, right? The problem with this is that by acting in this way, effectively attempting to control him and my world, I inevitably create more chaos and suffering for myself. I am not accepting reality, or my abf for what he is right now. When you talk about feeling power, I can totally relate. For me, this was a high I would feel when i thought I was going to get what I wanted out of a situation.... ''He'll have to do as I want because I know he won't like the consequenses if he does not''. Then, as you discovered, it does not work.


The person we are attempting to control can sense this and rebel with their own ''defese mechanisms'' and in turn attempt to turn the senario to their advantage by calling our bluff. I have found that the only way I can move away from this type of communication with my abf, is to stop attempting to control and make my world more pleasing to me and to just accept things for what they are. In turn I work on what I can alter- myself, and leave the responsibility to altering another to that person.

A's have a very good way of 'calling our bluff', they know that we love them and at some level that we are needy people (why else would we want to have these relationships? Needy is definately a word that desribes me!). They will manipulate any situation to their advantage if they can, but remember that it is hard to get rid of an A, they know we are their main enabler, rescuer, care giver, and know also that if left to their own devices the would probably be worse off. I wouldn't worry about letting him 'fly the nest' for a while; I think it may prove benficial for you both.

Keep on posting and working on YOU

Lily xxxxxxxxxxx

Pick-a-name

Hi: glad you are here!

Your situation (including the remarks by AH) are very familiar to me. Reading and posting here are really helpful to me;something I can do daily.

I agree about the "Getting Them Sober" books........have been VERY helpful to me and given me some gentle,positive ideas about how to make babysteps in my life towards healthier behavior. You can read a few "preview" chapters at: Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications

Another very informative book (imho) is: "Under the Influence"

Hope you stick around with us!

Shivaya

Looks like I have a lot of reading to do. Good thing I like to read to improve myself/my situation.

I am happy to have my AH out of the house for the next week, I know it will be good for me and my children, and I hope that he will get some help while he is gone (he says he will contact his EAP through work). This was his own idea which he shared with me. So good for him for wanting to seek help, he's never done this before. A step in the right direction.

The only part that is making me anxious, is that he has taken our children to stay with him, just for the weekend, which I know will be great for the kids and him. Why am I anxious? Because he has never wanted to take the kids anywhere by himself, especially overnight. I guess it's the timing that I have a problem with. Why now that everything is coming to a head, so to speak, does he feel like he needs to be alone with the kids?

I guess I've just answered my own question. This is a good thing, whatever his reasons for doing it may be. As long as he is being responsible and not drinking when he's in complete charge of the kids, then this is a good thing. The kids are real excited about staying with daddy, sort of like a mini-vacation for them.

What will I do? Something that nurtures my soul, my being. I am going to visit with my great friend of over 20 years! This will be good for me!

Thanks for all the kind words.

Shivaya