DESIGNER

I feel as though I am loosing my mind.....I can't take the rollarcoaster effect and I know that the only way to stop this is to get the hell out but god I don't want it to be over. I want the drama to be over but I don't want the relationship to end. I want to know why??? I want to know how he can say to me that he loves me so much and it fealt soo soo real just a few days ago to basically saying that we are just too different people and it is never going to work. Just a few days ago it seemed like things were starting to turn around. He was talking about a career as a paramedic, he was laughing while holding our puppy how it will be wierd to think that our dog will still be around when were in our 40's.

I told him if that is what he wants-to end the relationship than he needs to move out. He said that he has know where to go....told him that I am sure that one of his many of friends that he goes out and drinks with would be more than happy to put him up for a while. We have two more months till the lease is up...told him that I can not continue to live with him if we are not together....than he says that he will find a place to go but that he is not 100% sure that he wants it to be over. WHAT? Just a second ago he was saying that he thought that me and him would never work but than sometimes he wants it to work and live a long life together. WHAT IS GOING ON IN HIS BRAIN? I can't take it.....I literally feal as though my mind is mush. I know what I need to do but how come I can't seem to do it. I have times where I feel so strong and than complete moments of utter weakness.

We have a formal event to go to tommorrow night and I sooo want to go but it is his mom's event and she is planning on both of us being there. I want to go so badly and so torn about what to do. He says that he knows that his mom would love for me to be there and that he really would like me to go also. The thing that I am thinking is that the only reason that he wants me to go is so his whole family won't know that he screwed up again. They know that I have been wanting to go to this for a long time so if I don't show up than I know that they are going to point the blame on him. There is no excuse in the world that he could make up to make them think differently. Please give me advice for what I should do? I am so torn right now.

I will take any advice that is given even though I am already sure that I know what advice is coming my way. I am sorry about this post......It just feels nice to get it off of my chest and into words.

LaTeeDa

I found that expecting someone to be the person I wanted them to be rather than the person they actually were made me crazy.

L

hope2bhappy

If you want to go to the party, then go. Worry about the rest on Sunday.

jfk45

If I can't make a decision, sometimes I will write down the pros and cons of each choice. Then I just look at it and it seems to help, you could also write down how each decision will make you feel.

bluejay6

designer,
you are being hustled. addicts distract and confuse so that anyone who is a threat to their using becomes so off balance that the addict stays in control and the spouse looks, feels, crazy. the addict, from what i have read, does this unconsciously. it works well to keep spouses feeling insane, to blame, and unable to make any decisions.

if you have to plaster a fake smile on your face and look like a perfectly happy couple to go to the event, my opinion is that the addiction is winning because it is compelling you to betray your own values (truth and reality).

but change is a long process and you may be able to take only small steps toward it and that is okay. a little a day, one day at a time. keep seeking support, a lot is to come in your life. addiction is progressive. either he will get better or he will deteriorate.

all the very best to you and i do hope things work out the way you pray for them to.

Peaches1_99

Designer,

Maybe it is time for you to make him take responsibility for his actions. You don't deserve to be on the roller coaster ride. Of course it's easy for me to say, I'm on one too. I understand the torn feeling. But, I have to say that I feel better about myself when I don't cover up for my spouse.

I do still love my husband, but I am finally (although slowly) realizing that I want something more than the Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde syndrome.

Maybe if you call his family and make an apology that you regret that you are unable to make it, but you aren't feeling well. (Not a complete fib, because emotionally you aren't) Then let him decide what he wants to do. Don't let him make you feel guilty if he decides not to go. That's his decision, you're not asking him to not go.

Anyway, like I said, it's easy for me to say... But, not so easy for me to follow my own advice

darkness_falls

Bluejay

You are so right! It is so much about the appearances to them. I have been going through this type of thing for so long. As long as everything looks good to the A, in their warped minds, things are When things are bad the A blames the partner because it's easier that way. I struggle with my AH saying he'll move out/I'll move out/wants divorce/doesn't want divorce all the time. I don't know how he truly feels anymore.

Now that my own eyes have been opened and I hear my AH speak when he's been drinking and I realize how very little sense he makes. How irrational his thoughts.

I say go with your heart on this one and don't worry about what other people say. I finally realized that it's not about what other people think.

DESIGNER

Thanks everyone for the advice.....I have decided that I am going to go. His whole family will be there and they absolutely love me. They say that i am the best thing that has ever happened to thier son and brother and they have pleaded with him to straighten up his act so that he doesn't lose me.

I also want to go because I refuse to have him mess up something once again that I have been wanting to go to for a long time. I have a beautiful dress and accessories and I plan on looking gorgeous and making him jeoulas that he is loosing someone so great in his life(not trying to sound conceited-LOL). The cold hard truth though is he may not see a beautiful person standing next to him-he will probably only see someone who is a annoying factor in his life and standing in the way of his drinking. Oh well he may not see it that night but one day he will look back on all of this(hopefully) and regret what he has done because I do know that he still loves me but does not want to deal with the fights we have over the drinking.
I also want to just dress up because I don't get to do it often and I want to feel beautiful....something that I have not felt in a long time.

Thanks once again for the advice everyone.....Say a prayer that I will be strong enough tommorrow to get through this.

DESIGNER

That is sooo true.....when i try to have a normal conversation with him and I try to be in control he basically does not look me in the eye. He either plays ball with our puppie or is walking around the house doing something. That to me is disrespectful. If I am trying to have a calm conversation with you please give me the respect and sit down with me and talk. Half the time he does this I do get angry and that is when all hell breaks loose. I do act crazy...I will admit it. I get sooooo angry because I have done so much to stand by the boys side through thick and thin and I feel as I deserve a little bit of respect.

So when I go crazy he stays very calm and collect and then when he leaves I am the one that blames myself....it is a bitter endless cycle. I do know one thing though. After all this happened this afternoon I am going to really try and stay calm. If he says that he does not want to talk well so be it. It is useless to talk to someone that is so closed minded and does not want to listen.

I do want to say that I truly love this sight and all the people on it. I hate it that we are all going through this but it helps to know that I am not alone. I truly believe that all of us on this site are truly wonderful caring individuals and I hope for nothing but the best for all of you.

hbb

Hi Designer, so sorry your hurting and going through so much pain.

My exabf left me over the summer and i still get emails from his mom telling me she misses me (which makes it that much worse). I was, in his families eyes the best thing since sliced bread. I encouraged AA and he stopped drinking and so on, was getting his life somewhat on track.

But when it came down to it, i wasn't dating his family. He chose his crappy actions and unacceptable behavior and at the end of the day, he didn't want what i had to offer.

Do whats best for you, maybe his family needs to see the reality instead of thinking everything is roses. I know my ex's parents are in complete denial, as am i at times. I know it's hard with family involved. If you decide to go, have fun but maybe this is a great start to new boundaries for youself.

hugs

DESIGNER

hbb thank you for the advice....but I am going to go. I know that to them it will look like everything is peachy but I am doing this for his mom. This event cost like a 100.00 a ticket and she even paid for our oufits which was around 200.00. I know that If i do not show up than she will know something is wrong and know that something is off track with her son and it will devestate her. She is the vice president of this company and has put so much hard work into making this huge event happen and I do not want anything to ruin her night. We were not going to be able to go at first because of the money situation and she begged us to be there-very important to her.Believe me she gets really down and she hurts when she knows that her son is not doing what he needs to do. I would hate to see her cry.

I know that a lot of people keep saying to me that I need to stop worrying about everyone but yourself for a while but this woman has been my saving grace when I needed her.

Peaches1_99

Designer,

I am just checking in on you to see how everything went tonight.

I am sure you looked absolutely stunning.

Take care,
Peaches

DESIGNER

Thanks peaches 1 for checking in on me....actually I am not doing so well. I have been home since 10 and I am crying. I can't stop. I am just sooo mad. I am so mad that things can't just be simple between us. Maybe he is right it will never work out between the two of us. He won't admit it but I think that he is tooo deep into this addiction and he knows that he loves me( I don't doubt that) but is too far gone to ever be able to give me the life I dream about....at least not anytime soon. The process of getting sober is too hard and he does not want to face it yet....he has told me that. I just find it sooo hard to let go. I want him to really understand that life can go on without all the drinking.

Tonight was my fault in a way. I guess I was expecting tooo much out of it. I wanted him to see how pretty I looked and notice me and think wow what am I doing messing this all up. Things were going pretty good and we were actually starting to have fun up untill the point I just could not take being fake for any longer. The whole night I felt as though my insides where being ripped out. I was hurting sooo bad. We appeared so wonderful together and were laughing together how can he say that he just does not know if this will ever work between us. IT can work....with a little help but he has to want it to work.

On the way there my heart just was not into going. I basically said that to him and he said why. I told him because I was disappointed because this night could have been so wonderful and fun but yet I felt like ****. **** for the fact that he keeps on saying that he does not think that we will ever work and **** because in his next sentence he is saying " but I am not 100% sure I want this to be over". What.....oh god i am so confused. I am also mad at myself for not being strong enough and saying to him well let me make this descision easy for you....good bye. I think that the reason I am not saying that is is because I know for the next 2 months I am going to have to see him on a daily basis and i hate negative energy or feelings in my home. I

To continue we went to the party. Besides the conversation earlier he said lets just go in here and try to have a good time. Well after we got done eating I had my camera out and was taking pics of the decorations-very awesome. Well the week before I had this idea in my head to make sure to take a awesome pic of us dressed up since it has been a while since we have dressed up like that. A part of me wanted to ask his brother to take a pic but before i did that I made a joke to see what he would say. I was like I want to take a picture but maybe we shouldn't because we will probably still won't be together in a couple of weeks and he was like yeah maybe we shouldn't do that. Well of course it is not the thing that I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear him say OH babe come here and stop talking like that and lets just take a picture. Well of course I just sat there trying to decide if I need to run and hide because I was about to cry.....meanwhile his sister in law says oh come on you two just take a picture together. The abf even leaned over and said come on lets just take a picture....but I couldn't...just another fake front. Sick of putting on an act....well he got mad and stormed out of the room.
We ended up leaving and he said that he was hoping that tonight that we wouldn't fight because he was hoping that a good night out could change things for us. Well what about the good night just a few nights ago when he held me and told me he loved me and than turned around and drank a couple days later. Its one big cycle.......I need to either learn to go round and round or I need to get off at the next stop because it is making me sick.

I am sorry this is so long.....I just needed to type.

LaTeeDa

Yes, I'm quoting myself. Not because I need to hear myself talk. (or rather see myself type), but because when I first came here I blew off the things I didn't want to hear (read).

L

SerenitySeaker

Designer,

The addiction is winning when he manipulates you to do what he wants.
It is as hard for us to break the cycle as is for the addict.
What you are trying to make sense of is a disease defined as INSANITY. As my therapist pointed out to me trying to make sense of something like that is going to kill me, maybe not physically, but at some level part of me is dying too. I was told that everytime I try to make sense of something so unexplainable it is like my AH using crack and getting a fix.

I have to make up my own mind for MY sanity and quality of life that I do not want to be a party to this anymore.

And believe me I know exactly where you are coming from as far as loving someone and having them say confusing things. They like to keep us confused because it keeps them in control.

Good Luck with everything, I'm thinking of you.

Growing

(((Designer)))

I am sorry that your night went this way.

I don't know what you are going through with your relationship but I know there will be some great posts coming after mine from people who have been there and understand what you are going through.

My parents were alcoholics my whole life growing up. I understand the pain of letting go of our dreams and fantasies. I will never, ever have normal parents...I have to accept that...

I also choose to accept the love my HP sends me....not the love I wish I had....My HP sends me friends and family of choice...I choose to have only people that trully love me in my life...not people who have great potential to love me.

Remember what LaTeeDa said: "I found that expecting someone to be the person I wanted them to be rather than the person they actually were made me crazy."

I know that, for me, I have to detach from people who can't love me.

DESIGNER

Thanks everyone for the comments. Its morning and of course he never came home. He dropped me off and then left again. Now right now I am blaming myself because I am thinking if last night I would have just acted calm and collect then It would have been fine. We would have had a wonderful night and we would be laying in each others arms and I would not be typing this......or am I totally wrong? I guess that with him I just do not know. Everything has to be soo difficult.

Now the thing that I have to face is seeing him.......how should I react? I know what I need to do and that is do fun things that I love, Excercise, Read and just focus on myself but how should I react? A part of me wants to just give him silent treatment for the next 2 months and just try to avoid him as much as possible because it is just useless to try and talk with him right now about anything because it is like talking to a brick wall and that right there makes me crazy. :chatter

carolineb

AMEN to the above!!! This took me so/too long to figure out with XABF. I just kept thinking he was insecure or that I wasn't giving enough. Once I realized this was alcoholic behavior, it was the biggest lightbulb moment of my life!!!

It feels so good to have untangled myself. You need to do the same. You will get out when you've had enough.....meanwhile, you continue to get caught in the web that alcoholics cast out.

Live and learn.

DESIGNER

I realize that it may have gone ok last night and we may have up ended being fine for a few days.....I guess for me I like that feeling of being ok. It is so nice to go to work and not feel as though he is annoyed with me and that he hates me. RIght now I have no clue where he is at and where he stayed last night. I really don't think that he is cheating on me so that is not what I am worried about.
I just want peace in my life. I want a normal life. I want to wake up everyday next to the one that I love, I love my job but at times it feels so hard to enjoy it because of everything else going on in my life, I want to talk with my bf during the day and just see how his day is going come home spend some time watching t.v and kiss him good night and go to bed and wake up and do it all over again. I want to spend weekends with him going and doing things and go to nice events like last night and have a glass of wine and sit back and enjoy the night without having to worry that a night of drinking won't go into monday and tuesday for him(when I say this I think of me being with someone without an alcohol problem) I would love to enjoy a glass of wine now and than on a saturday night because I am an adult and feel as though since I don't abuse it I can do that-it relaxes me and I enjoy the taste. I would love the simple life like that but know that I can not do these things with the abf.

Now if the abf would really commit to getting sober and work the program I would never touch alcohol again. I know that some of you are going to frown upon this and tell me that I should not drink a glass of wine but the way I look at it is that it would not matter if I did not drink at all because he still would. I tried doing that for a while and I got frustrated because I was trying to be supportive and not drink when we went out and he just took it too far and got wasted.

THe way that I look at it I should be able to have a glass of wine in a normal non alcoholic relationship. Now by all means if he were to ask me to not drink and he would not drink and work the steps wine would be out of my life. I don't care that much about it.....I care more about him and having a normal life with him.

I am sorry if I am rambling on....I hope what I am typing here makes sense to some.

LaTeeDa

Read your post again from the perspecitve of someone else reading it. Does it make sense?

When I read it I see someone who is desperately trying to figure out what to do in order to make someone else behave the way she wants him to. I did that for nearly 20 years. It took me a long time to figure out that if I want to feel ok, I'm the one who must make it happen. Trying to get someone else to make me feel ok only made me miserable.

L