I'm new here, please help.
 

Hello. I'm new here today but found reading a couple of threads very helpful.

I am married to a potential A and I'm in the beginning stages of doing something about it. I have been a nagging partner for a long time and I've just made an appointment at a substance abuse specialized counselor for us.

Every time I try to talk my H about my his usage (beer), he denies it and leaves me feeling crazy and constantly questioning myself. I'm tired of this. I really just need some validation and support and would like any suggestions!

Thanks.

Welcome to SR - have you looked at the sticky's at the top - I found classic reading very helpful when I first came but all of them are great.

I am sorry you find yourself here but glad you found it as you will not find a better group of people.

Please feel free to share what you need to - the words of wisdom here are plentiful

shakarris

Hi Help! :)
I hope that you will find this place as useful and comforting as I have, please stick around. The stickies at the top of the board are great, like THIS one.

For me, the books Co-Dependant No More by Melodie Beattie and Boundaries by Drs. Cloud & Townsend were valuable tools in dealing with the alcoholics/addicts in my life and my own warped sense of relationships.

Great books above!

Hi Help :hug:
Welcome to SR! Glad that you found us!

Seeking out help is a great step in the right direction!

Keep posting this is a great place! We are like FAMILY here-

Welcome Help!

You will find great information in here. And great people too.

I have a question for you. What do you mean by a "potential A?"

Potential A meaning alcoholic. I am not labeling him as such just yet...probably my own denial in action.

This really sucks, this feeling of helplessness. I often go back and forth about "making a big deal" and thinking I should just pipe down. How co-dependent is THAT?!

Hello Help take a deep breathe we are all here to support and help all we can. Like the above posts READ get to know what's going on and how to deal with codependancy, you my friend are not alone.

Mair xx

dear help,
sounds to me like you are doing really good. the appt with the counselor, the attempts to talk to your partner about his drinking...all very good signs that you are not denying reality, your gut, or your responsibility to address your concerns and the problems. not much codependency in that.

what will be helpful is that you learn all the things NOT to do, if you are in relationship with an addict. it gets actually pretty simple, with education and practice.

the world seems to be getting more and more full of people with addictions and it's no failure on your part to happen to have one in your life. so do keep seeking information and trusting your own good sense.

all the best.

Here is a link to an article to being married to an alcoholic:
Married to an Alcoholic: 7 Steps to Helping Them Get Sober

Here are some excerpts of this article:
1. Stop trying to get your husband/wife to stop drinking.

No matter how much you nag and complain at them to stop drinking, it is not going to do a bit of good. What will is taking care of you. I know, it sounds backwards, but when you’re emotionally stressed out, it will be more difficult to help your loved one. You have no verbal power over the alcoholic. What you do have control over is your actions. What you do and say to the alcoholic will have a direct effect on whether or not they will continue drinking or not.

4. Do not enable the alcoholic

Don’t help the alcoholic by enabling their addictive behavior. Don’t help them to bed. Don’t let them drive while drinking. Do not let them argue, fuss or fight with you while they are drinking. Do not talk to them, leave the house or room and shut and lock the door behind you. Do not buy them alcohol, even if they beg you to. Don’t let them drive! Don’t treat them any differently because they have a drinking problem. Don’t give them any special attention while they are drinking.

I have found that Al Anon is very helpful. And I like the book Getting Them Sober. This book has been recommended by other people on Soberrecovery.

Hi there Help...good to see you and welcome to a great place.

You are here asking questions....couldn't be doing better than that.

The good news is...you don't have to make any life changing decisions right now. Just take it slow and know that any change is going to take time....All you have to do is take it slow and get comfortable with the idea of educating yourself on all of this.
Keep coming back...look forward to getting to know you.

Hi Help!

What you are going through sounds like the same thing I went through with my AH years ago. He recognized he had a problem, we went to couples' counselling (we did have some things besides the addiction to sort out) and that was the beginning of our never ending circle. Looking back on it now, I recognize that the problems we had then and what we went to therapy for all came back to his drinking.

It does seem like you are taking a very important step. If he's willing to go with you that's great. Talk it out. A third party is sometimes what people need to see things more clearly. Good luck.

Hi Help!

Welcome to SR. Keep posting we are all here to support you. I will say a special prayer for you.

Hi there Help,
Welcome to SR, I'm glad you have found this site, and you have had some really great suggestions already, reading up and educating yourself on how best to look after YOU is the way to go. I know I got so caught up in trying to help my abf, and 'show him the way' but in the end things were just falling apart and we both resented one another. It was only after I started working my own recovery and left him to his that things began to improve.

keep posting!
Love Lily xxxxxxxxx

Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications I LOVE these books! :)

Great "tips" already! Glad you found us and hope you stick around.

Another great read,I have found is: "Under the Influence"

Hi,again. FYI: Just noticed a thread in the "stickies" over on the "Alcoholism" board regarding the book : Under the Influence.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I shared my concerns with my AH and he threw it right back at me. I told him I made an appointment with the counselor and he accused me of "scapegoating" him...that I add to the problems in our marriage. This I do not deny, but I do believe - from a gut level and an honest, realistic level - his drinking needs to be addressed before we can dig deeper. I did see he wrote the appointment in his planner. That's a good step!

I am totally co-dependent and I get that. My attitude and emotions are totally affected when he treats me this way. When he was leaving just now he was saying goodbye to our youngest that I am staying home with while he takes our big kids to a wrestling meet. As I tried to hug him - which I would do regardless of our situation - he mumbled, "Don't. You disgust me." [BTW, he has not been drinking today]

WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!

I am making these efforts at working toward a better marriage and he says, after I have been open and honest, that I DISGUST him?

Thank you so much for your book suggestions. I will check them out. In the meantime, please continue to share your wisdom with me. I feel like I'm going crazy!

I don't know what is going on....but I do know all kinds of emotions get stirred up once people start being honest and dealing with their problems.

Some good advice I was told for my A parents: let him/them take responsibility for what they say...try not to react and get thyself into an alanon meeting.

What would you like to change about you?

From my experience and stories I've read on this board, it's quite common for the A to react negatively when changes start happening. When you stop doing the dance with them the way it has always been done, it creates fear. It's likely that he knows the drinking will be addressed and HE DOESN'T WANT THAT. He is attempting to emotionally manipulate you into going back to the same old dance. Don't do it. I don't know if the appointment you made was for couples counseling or individual, but I would strongly suggest seeing a counselor one on one. It can help you sort through your own feelings and reactions without his interference.

JMHO,
L

I am someone who wants to FIX...or at least demand to be heard, validated, and what's worst, feel understood. All things I know this man is incapable of giving me at this point.

I agree, he's scared and pissed that I'm questioning his drinking. What is it about Al Anon and thinking "if he loved me he'd quit"? Is that like setting myself up because it's the beer and his alcoholism, not him? We have somewhat of a unique situation in that first came the baby THEN came the marriage, so we never really got to know each other before all this family stuff...but we committed to having TWO more. I do question the love.

What's scary is my need for emotional connection and what if he can't give it to me? What if he's truly unwilling to give it to me? I don't want to get divorced...