gns

Thank you all for reading and replying to my previous posts.

I have been thinking about self-love. I broke down last night drove past B's place (don't ask me why - didn't know why or how it would help). I was convinced this relationship was over because he didn't call me for 2 days and I was convinced he was playing with me. (it may be over, but that doesn't explain my panic and over reaction)

What struck me in all this drama is that I believe(d) God/my HP had led me astray (again) and abandoned me - that I would never be loved or get love. I just wanted to curl up and die.

I had therapy today - thank god for my therapist and for EMDR. I feel like I need to trust my HP/God and that makes the despair better. I still feel heavy hearted and sad that something I was hopeful about might be over, but it is not the freak out/panic/despair of feeling like your HP has abandoned you. I also felt like I have no control (probably the stupid impulse for the drive-by) and the relief from the obsession and need to control is also better.

Just wanted to share and ask if anyone else had similar feelings and similar struggles with your HP.

Tomorrow therapist and I are doing sandtray.

queenteree

gns - I too have felt that way from time to time. I'm still w/my AH, and right now I'm enjoying my peace as he has been sober for a few weeks now, but when he does drink again (and I know he will) or in the past when he has gone on month long benders (I mean every single day and night drunk) where he won't shut up, keeps talking till all hours of the night, leaves his clothes all around and doesn't make any sense at all, sits while I try to use my phone lists (so I don't call anyone), etc. and I work my program, move to another room, leave the house for the night, go to a meeting, and yet I still sometimes break down and cry and ask my HP why he (my HP) is doing this to me yet again, when will it ever end, why me and my life, etc. and feel like I am totally abandoned by HP and destined to live this life of hell. This was especially true after my AH went to rehab at the end of May and stayed sober for 98 days. I had the taste of our old marriage and my old husband and was so very happy. Then bam - he relapsed and has been ever since. I was so upset, angry and I don't know what else that my HP actually gave me that then took it away from me in an instant. But you know what, it could have been worse. Many things much more precious to me could have been taken away instead. That put me right back into perspective.
At times when I feel most abandoned and questioning my HP, usually a meeting, reading the literature and a therapy session or two (I tell her to book double sessions for me at times) puts me back on track and I know this too shall pass. And it usually does.
By the way, what is a sandtray?

nowinsituation

Oh Yea!!! In fact, yesterday was also a bad day for me. Why this got to me I don't know -- but it did. I have filed for divorce; and found out yesterday that my AH has hired an attorney to represent him in the process. I was worried that he wouldn't; so I should be relieved that he is -- no one can accuse me of screwing him over that way. But what I felt was total rejection; even though I was the one that filed. It was like -- he doesn't even care; he's not even going to try to get me to come back. And I don't even want him to. But I felt like he was the only one in my life that ever loved me; and probably would be the only one who ever loved me; and now he doesn't even want me; and what am I going to do; and where is God; and WTF is wrong with my brain!!!!!

I felt better this morning after a long heart-to-heart with God. I just can't seem to trust him? I am frustrated that I can sink into a hole like that and just let it take me over. It's very scary!

Just remember all the progress you have made -- it is not in vain. It may seem like it has all disappeared, but you (we!) are stronger than we think!

anamchara

I have been a christian for over 30 years and I, along with every other honest christian I know, have felt abandoned by Him at one time or another along the journey. "Time in the desert" I call it.

But the key word above is felt. Our feelings may deceive us and cause us to abandon what we know to be true. Faith is holding on to what we know to be true, when circumstances or feelings may point otherwise. Faith is our abiding compass in life-

And, I don't know if you might relate, but I'll share it anyway:

There is a great strength in praying in purity. A life changing quote for me is "Shaking a stick at dogs provokes their fury; forcing oneself to pray in purity provokes the fury of demons" St. Ilias the Presbyter

For many years I would cave into anger, fear and resentment. I would be so angry at God for this lot in life - I would pray in anger, wondering why God wouldn't help my husband. I kept pleading, kept pointing the finger at my spouse....

And then, God showed me through counseling that * I * was a sorry state - full of venomous words, jealousy, and self-righteousness. God granted wisdom to understand how the Enemy was attacking me. And my prayers changed.

When we pray in purity, with gratitude and thankfulness, yes, even thankfulness for our trials, we defeat the Enemy who would keep us in a state of self-pity and resentment. Our trials produce perseverance, character and hope.


This is just my story, please only take what it might be worth to you ... .02

Peace to you~

Growing

I have had similar struggles with my HP. Leaning on my HP, for me, was like exercising a muscle I had never really used before. My connection with HP is something that I can actually feel getting stronger and stronger. Each day it gets easier and easier to meditate, ect.

Just my idle musings:

"What struck me in all this drama is that I believe(d) God/my HP had led me astray (again) and abandoned me - that I would never be loved or get love. I just wanted to curl up and die."

Could it be that maybe, this was just a reaction to letting yourself down? Were you violating one of your own boundaries by driving by? Sometimes we "judge ourselves without mercy".

Would these feelings have presented themselves if you had not gone by your ex's place?
How would the day have went if you had meditated first thing?
I am just saying....I ask myself these questions.

Today, I know my HP gives me the strength to "just say no" to destructive behaviors when I remember to ask him....the problem is I wake up and forget...end up making mistakes and asking HP to help me forgive myself because I know my HP forgives me.

justjo

gns, dont beat yourself up - it will happen for you. This may sound crazy too but I use to drive past my sisters place sometimes and I would wonder why the hell I did it. When I think about this, I think it was my way of connecting with her or if the car was in the driveway, it gave me some kind of relief that she was home and ok. Probably doesnt make sense (I wasnt stalking my own sister = LOL) it just gave me relief because at the time I wasnt talking to her and some how I needed some kind of connection. I havent done this for a long time. Its only that you still care but it will lessen in time, I promise.

geees poncho

I don't know about any one else, but my HP never leaves me EVER.
When I feel lost or abandoned it is because i'v been walking with my
(LP) lower power, and all I have to do is grab the hand of my HP,
my HP has never let me feel bad, that is LP work.
What was hard, was learning how to recognize the lower power,
and see the tricks he pulls. He never quits, and he is always trying to destroy us.

Growing

Love that Geeesp!

Constant Conscious Contact with our HP.....

I am currently reading Melody Beatties book 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact and I recommend it to anyone who is interested in the topic.

Lilyflower

Another three C's...

BohemiMamaof3

I have never struggle like that, but I know who many have. I just wanted to give you a (((hug))).

hope2bhappy

My old enemy, self-will, used to masquerade under rationalizations like this: "Why do I need to lean on God and burden Him with my problems when He has already give me the intelligence to think for myself?" Experience has taught me that I couldn't make any headway by relying on my own devices to bring about the results I wanted. Nothing seemed to work out; sometimes the results were disastrous. Of course, I didn't blame myself. I thought luck was against me, or God had let me down, or the alcoholic was perversely unmanageable. Things just wouldn't go my way. Now that I know I need guidance, and I am willing to accept it, things are improving as I improve. I am not self-sufficient. I don't know all the answers. The answers I get, in fact, come to me as I keep myself receptive for them. "God is our refuge and our strength, a very present help in trouble." (Psalms)

PrettyViolets

I look at it this way with God. I cannot really take a break from God. And I know that God does not forget me (let's just say that God has a sense of humor with me). God is always there. I found that I was very attached to the past and not sure about the future. I guess that is where trusting God comes in. I have to be focused on my blessing in my life--I am healthy, I have a good job, I am going to take care of myself and my significant other needs to take care of himself.

It can be very painful for me if I think a relationship where I am in love with someone could possibly be over. I know the cure in the past has always been to find someone else who is better. But there is always that fear of what if I do not find anyone better. Again, I have to trust God and work on just being the best person I can be--because either that relationship will work out or there will be someone else who is better for me.

best

Not the feeling of being let down but the pain of being curled up in a ball on the floor literally.

It was more of this...
Lord give me a sign that what I am doing is right...sign given.
No really Lord that can't be right. Give me a bigger sign so I really know...sign given.

Ok Lord but You can't truly mean it? I guess I am stubborn or maybe You are not seeing things as I do? I truly need a solid sign so I truly know.

BAM! I was given what I asked for and I have never felt such pain before in my life. Emotional pain that had me curled up on the floor.

God didn't lead me astray...He allowed me to go just where I needed to go so I would listen and learn.
I was stubborn and pigheaded but the Lord waited me out and then He showed me a better way.

I have never been so grateful for such pain as I am now after seeing His plan unfold when I started to listen.

Let go or be dragged or let go and let God.

nowinsituation

Oh Best -- you mean it's not just me??? Even today, I asked God again. I said "this is just about to go past the point of no return God -- I totally trust you that you will not lead me astray, but it is me I don't trust. Please let me make sure I understand, are you really FOR SURE that this is the plan???" And I swear God said, "How many times to I have to tell you???"

Doing the right thing isn't supposed to hurt this much, is it? Thank goodness I had an al-anon meeting today. I really liked one person's comment. He said he knows he is getting better, because he feels worse. If he wasn't getting better, he wouldn't feel anything at all. I thought maybe that's why I feel worse; maybe I am getting better?

Thanks.

GiveLove

I definitely used to struggle with trusting my HP. It was really me not wanting to do the things that I knew had to be done. My HP hadn't abandoned me, I was just standing there with my fingers in my ears, saying la-la-la-la-I-cant-heeear-youuuu.

best

*LOL*

DesertEyes

Hello there gns

Oh boy. All the time. What happens to me is that I confuse what is _my_ responsibility from what is my HP's. I get to believing that it is _His_ job to make my life easier, when that is actualy _my_ job. His job is simply to give me the strength to get _thru_ life.

I have a health problem called Cardiovascular Autonomic Neuropathy, which is the long way of saying that my heart is slowly dying. Every so often it quits, I get dragged to an ER, and they patch me up as best they can. One time not too long ago I was in that ER with really bad chest pains. Those are called ischemia, and it's what you feel when the muscle in your heart is dying. It hurts. Seriously, deeply hurts.

'course, knowing that the pain was the message from my heart saying that it's dying didn't help matters. I got very, very stressed out.

So I prayed. I prayed that my HP would take away this pain. He did not.

I got another wave of pain, even stronger. My body went into seizures and I flopped onto the floor, thank heavens there were people there to protect me from breaking something.

I prayed some more, and still the pain came.

Anger. I got angry at God. If he's going to take me there is no need to torture me. I've had this heart problem a few years now and I have no more lessons to learn. Just get it over with.

Nope. I did not die. The pain came back even stronger.

That's when I got it. I was stuck in my old al-anon-ism kind of thinking. I was trying to make reality fit my expectations, and getting angry at my HP for not changing reality to suit my wants. (That what the first 6 steps have shown me)

The second six steps show me how to change _my_ expectations to fit the world as it is. Step 11 shows me how to pray, for others, not for me. I certainly don't need any help praying for myself, I have done that my whole life just fine, thank you.

Somehow, thru the fog that had settled over me in that ER, I managed to say a prayer for all the people in the world who still suffer as a result of this disease. It wasn't much of a prayer, I was on the verge of passing out, and not thinking very clearly from the pain and who knows how many meds they'd put in me. But I managed the one little prayer.

My heart quit hurting. Just like that. One little prayer mumbled half way wrong and immediately all the tension left me, all the anger at my HP, all the fury at the unfairness of my life. I had managed to accept my life as it is, and to thank my HP for having given it to me in the first place.

I am still scared of dying, that has never left me. What this program of recovery has taught me is to not be afraid of _living_. No matter how much it hurts. All I have to do is be grateful for what I _do_ have, and magically all the stuff I do _not_ have becomes irrelevant.

The HP has _never_ let me down. The proof of this is that I am still _alive_, and that when I actually do these recovery steps my life becomes wonderful and beautiful. It is _me_ that has let myself down with all my selfishness and demands.

Over these last holidays I had another visit to "Club Med". I am now a little worse than I was before. I have new damage that I need to adjust to, new disabilities to rise above. I also received yet another gift from my HP; the gift of living for a little while longer, to enjoy the wonder and beauty of being alive. Tonight I will pray for all those who are in pain, and for all those who are unable to pray for themselves.

Mike

gns

Thank you all for replying.
Some of your messages brought tears to my eyes!

A lot of beautiful thoughts.

Queenteree - sandtray is a sandtray where you create whatever is on your mind. It is a great way to uncover thoughts and feelings under the surface.

I need to think more about accepting what life offers rather then what I want - Desert Eyes your story was very powerful.

Growing

"Desert Eyes your story was very powerful."

I second that! Thank you Mike.