16 years of marriage and he ends it...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Birmingham, Alabama
Posts: 44
16 years of marriage and he ends it...
with a telephone call. My ah left for work and when I called to make sure he was taking one of our four children to Scouts that evening, he was so drunk and told me it just wasn't working. He said there 'MAY' be another woman involved. He hasn't been out of rehab even a year and he has walked out on us three different times since he has been back, only for me to call and beg him to come home and get help. He disappears all the time, hanging out at bars and other friends homes. He is constantly looking for a reason to leave the house and not be with me and the kids. Never wants to do anything with the family and has no pride in our home. He is self emplyed and his company is getting close to folding due to his alcholism and otber factors and he is not trying to find another source for income. In fact, I believe he is not even employable, he drinks all night and sleeps till 1 or 2. After doing a litlte research, I now know there is another woman, in fact there has been two, who knows maybe more. I had a very bad moment last night and I called him to ask how could he just end our 16 year marriage over a drunken phone call and not even feel that he owes me an explanation. He has not even called to check on the kids or me in a week. He told me to let it go, that he tried to make it work and 'it just isn't going to work'. How do I keep from taking this so personally? I can't stand to think that he just doesn't love me anymore. It hurts so badly to see what it is doing to our four children. My oldest daughter hates him for what he has done, but my three little boys beg me everyday to call him and make him come home. My seven year old ds cries and blames me for his daddy leaving. I love my ah so much but I can't make him get well. I just don't know how I am going to do this. I feel so alone and so valueless with out him here. My whole life has been my ah and my four kids. I am a stay at home mom and have lived for my family. I have tried to be what he wanted me to be. How can I get through this? It hurts so badly.
Thank you for any help.
Melissa
Thank you for any help.
Melissa
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
(((((((((((((((((Melissa))))))))))))))
You get through it one day at a time hunny.......one day at a time...
My XAH left me and the kids 8 times in 22 years then finally there was another woman who he left us for and they are married today. She drank and partied with him....of course his mid life crisis didn't help with the alcoholism....he was 44 when he did this and like you we had 4 kids total. My children were pretty much raised but 2 were still at home when he left and they knew long before me that another woman was in the picture but I refused to believe them....of course they were right. It hurt more than I can begin to describe to you. I lost 30 lbs in a mere few months. I was lucky to hang on to my job but because I work commission only I didnt have much money and he didn't give me a penny for the mortgage, food or utilities. But by the grace of God we made it through - I just had to stand tough and stand strong and take care of business.......which involved liquidating assets. Today it is 2.5 yrs from when he left and none of our children will have anything to do with him.......nothing not one thing nor his parents.....as they also abandoned us for their son...all I can tell you sweetie is just maybe he will hit a bottom and go to rehab again...I wouldn't want to wish what I went through or many others here on anyone. Stay strong and remember you didnt cause it you cant control it and you cant cure it......the 3 C's.
You get through it one day at a time hunny.......one day at a time...
My XAH left me and the kids 8 times in 22 years then finally there was another woman who he left us for and they are married today. She drank and partied with him....of course his mid life crisis didn't help with the alcoholism....he was 44 when he did this and like you we had 4 kids total. My children were pretty much raised but 2 were still at home when he left and they knew long before me that another woman was in the picture but I refused to believe them....of course they were right. It hurt more than I can begin to describe to you. I lost 30 lbs in a mere few months. I was lucky to hang on to my job but because I work commission only I didnt have much money and he didn't give me a penny for the mortgage, food or utilities. But by the grace of God we made it through - I just had to stand tough and stand strong and take care of business.......which involved liquidating assets. Today it is 2.5 yrs from when he left and none of our children will have anything to do with him.......nothing not one thing nor his parents.....as they also abandoned us for their son...all I can tell you sweetie is just maybe he will hit a bottom and go to rehab again...I wouldn't want to wish what I went through or many others here on anyone. Stay strong and remember you didnt cause it you cant control it and you cant cure it......the 3 C's.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I am so sorry you are in such pain. Being treated like this is way beyond acceptable IMO.
Are you in therapy or go to AlAnon? Both might be a real good choice. Seeing an attorney to protect yourself and you children would also be a good idea considering you AH's actions.
You cannot change him or help him. Only he can do that. His actions seem to say he is not willing to be a husband or father. You say you love him but it might be wise to look at jsut who you love, you AH or the man you want your AH to be? Its hard to admit that the man you love doesn't exist. It took me a long to time to admit that.
I know this is very hard and you are confused as to what to do most likely. Educating yourself on alcoholism and its effects on you and your children can be a very helpful start to a better future. Keep posting and reading in here. You will find many empathetic folks to listen.
Are you in therapy or go to AlAnon? Both might be a real good choice. Seeing an attorney to protect yourself and you children would also be a good idea considering you AH's actions.
You cannot change him or help him. Only he can do that. His actions seem to say he is not willing to be a husband or father. You say you love him but it might be wise to look at jsut who you love, you AH or the man you want your AH to be? Its hard to admit that the man you love doesn't exist. It took me a long to time to admit that.
I know this is very hard and you are confused as to what to do most likely. Educating yourself on alcoholism and its effects on you and your children can be a very helpful start to a better future. Keep posting and reading in here. You will find many empathetic folks to listen.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
So sorry to hear about your heart breaking situation.
Please keep reading as there are others here that have posted about similar situations. Just remember as long as he is an active alcoholic, you are not dealing with a rational person that makes logical choices. His life revolves around alcohol ... and anything or anybody that stands between him and alcohol will be pushed aside ... that is what alcoholics do.
Alcoholism is usually progressive .. taking a stronger hold as time goes on. My AH used to be very functional and would only drink for just a few hours a day ... as time passed he was drinking all day, everyday and grew increasingly angrier and more self absorbed. He also owned his own business but he finally reached a point where ... if he weren't self employed, he would have been unemployable. He eventually started drinking during working hours making poor decisions and causing problems with employees and vendors. Soon he turned his back his children and I, and became cruel and uncaring. It became too much effort for him to stay sober for even a few hours - and he was no longer capable functioning as a dad and husband. Alcohol and its effects had consumed his entire life.
I was forced to make some drastic changes in our lives just to keep our family functioning... I ended up running both of our businesses by myself trying to correct endless problems resulting from his poor choices - working very long hours while I still had 2 children at home. It was one of the most difficult and challenging times of my life ... but it was a very necessary step in order to survive and move forward.
Keep reading and you will find so many others that understand the problems you are living with. This may be the beginning of a new chapter in your life... the journey may not be easy, but hopefully in time your life will change for the better.
Please keep reading as there are others here that have posted about similar situations. Just remember as long as he is an active alcoholic, you are not dealing with a rational person that makes logical choices. His life revolves around alcohol ... and anything or anybody that stands between him and alcohol will be pushed aside ... that is what alcoholics do.
Alcoholism is usually progressive .. taking a stronger hold as time goes on. My AH used to be very functional and would only drink for just a few hours a day ... as time passed he was drinking all day, everyday and grew increasingly angrier and more self absorbed. He also owned his own business but he finally reached a point where ... if he weren't self employed, he would have been unemployable. He eventually started drinking during working hours making poor decisions and causing problems with employees and vendors. Soon he turned his back his children and I, and became cruel and uncaring. It became too much effort for him to stay sober for even a few hours - and he was no longer capable functioning as a dad and husband. Alcohol and its effects had consumed his entire life.
I was forced to make some drastic changes in our lives just to keep our family functioning... I ended up running both of our businesses by myself trying to correct endless problems resulting from his poor choices - working very long hours while I still had 2 children at home. It was one of the most difficult and challenging times of my life ... but it was a very necessary step in order to survive and move forward.
Keep reading and you will find so many others that understand the problems you are living with. This may be the beginning of a new chapter in your life... the journey may not be easy, but hopefully in time your life will change for the better.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
al-anon saved my life........run, dont walk. sounds like you have the same addiction i have...'
the alocholic is addicted to alcohol, i am addicted to him.
al-anon breaks that sick addiction, a day at time, and wlks me thru all my crisis....you are not alone. reach out for help, we will help you.
the alocholic is addicted to alcohol, i am addicted to him.
al-anon breaks that sick addiction, a day at time, and wlks me thru all my crisis....you are not alone. reach out for help, we will help you.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
This may be the beginning of a new chapter in your life... the journey may not be easy, but hopefully in time your life will change for the better.
So sorry you're hurting. Welcome to the forum.
Keepingmyjoy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
I am so sorry for your pain. Sometimes we are in a place in our lives where we feel we give and give and give and give. We even give up ourselves. Sounds like you have done way more than your fair share of trying to make it work.
You are a good person and did not deserve this treatment. Now it is time for YOU and your kids. I am so glad you found us. I have found this place a wonderful support. Keep posting and reading. You will see that so many of us have similar stories. You are not alone. Hang in there. I will be thinking of you and sending my prayers to you and your kids.
You are a good person and did not deserve this treatment. Now it is time for YOU and your kids. I am so glad you found us. I have found this place a wonderful support. Keep posting and reading. You will see that so many of us have similar stories. You are not alone. Hang in there. I will be thinking of you and sending my prayers to you and your kids.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Birmingham, Alabama
Posts: 44
Thank you so much...
I can't tell you how much better it feels to know someone else understands. I have a wonderful friend that I can talk with but outside of that it is me and the kids. I am going to an alanon meeting tomorrow night for the first time. My friend is going with me. I am still in so much shock over the surprises I keep learning about this man that has slept in my bed (or passed out on my couch/lounge chair) for 16 years. I knew the lies were big but I only thought they concerned the alcohol. I never realized it went into infidelity too. I go in the morning for a screening for VDs and then hope to meet back with my attorney. I had filed for divorce last year but decided to reconcile since he was going to change and get help. Now that has all changed. He now says its just that "you and I aren't working'. Whatever the hell that means. He just can't do it, whether he blames me for it or not, it is something that HE can't do. I can't make him be the father or husband he needs to be. How do I give up that last glimmer of hope? I still think he is going to call and say, "I am sorry and I love you." I am such a mess. I am eaten up with hurt one moment and then anger the next. I am so mad at his selfishness. It's always been about him. Not me, not the kids. Just him and his alcohol. How do we stop needing him here? Please tell me that gets better. My kids are so confused and I am no help at all. I hope tomorrow night will be good for me. Again, thank you so much for welcoming me. I feel so close with many of you already. I love to hear the stong voices that you share so kindly. Thank you.
Melissa
Melissa
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
It will get better melbar4. It will take time but it will get better.
Take care of yourself and those kids. You may want to try AlaTeen or therapy for them also. They are going thru an awful lot but can end up better in the end also.
Take care of yourself and those kids. You may want to try AlaTeen or therapy for them also. They are going thru an awful lot but can end up better in the end also.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
Melissa,
I am so sorry you are going through this. It hurts so bad I know from similar experience. It took me a very long time to realize the depth of the alsoholic's selfishness. They cannot possibly care about anyone else as they do not care about themselves.He may appear to have it all together with his feelings but he does not. I believe it is easier for them to walk away and start over than begin to repair the mess they have made of so many lives. I am separated from my AH the kids and I moved to our own place leaving the home I loved and lived in for 20 years. We were high school sweetharts so he has been with me for more than half my life. Every day is a mix of emotions,some days I feel I cannot go on. Slowly I am coming around hitting detours along the way. Reading on this forum has helped me in ways I cannot begin to tell you. There is a book called "Getting them sober" (just type it in the google bar) It sounds like a book for the alcoholic but it is for the family helping them get stronger and making sense of this God awful disease.You can order it free online,they will mail it to your home. I am hugging you right now online. Please take care of those precious children as they are hurting and confused also. Educate yourself as much as possibe on the effects alcoholism has on families. It is unbelieveable,how you fall into patterns when living with it. God Bless you and your children.........:praying
I am so sorry you are going through this. It hurts so bad I know from similar experience. It took me a very long time to realize the depth of the alsoholic's selfishness. They cannot possibly care about anyone else as they do not care about themselves.He may appear to have it all together with his feelings but he does not. I believe it is easier for them to walk away and start over than begin to repair the mess they have made of so many lives. I am separated from my AH the kids and I moved to our own place leaving the home I loved and lived in for 20 years. We were high school sweetharts so he has been with me for more than half my life. Every day is a mix of emotions,some days I feel I cannot go on. Slowly I am coming around hitting detours along the way. Reading on this forum has helped me in ways I cannot begin to tell you. There is a book called "Getting them sober" (just type it in the google bar) It sounds like a book for the alcoholic but it is for the family helping them get stronger and making sense of this God awful disease.You can order it free online,they will mail it to your home. I am hugging you right now online. Please take care of those precious children as they are hurting and confused also. Educate yourself as much as possibe on the effects alcoholism has on families. It is unbelieveable,how you fall into patterns when living with it. God Bless you and your children.........:praying
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(((((Melissa)))))
I am so sorry you and your children are going through this! It is very confusing. I have been separated from my AH for 5 months now and have to say that each day gets better. I am by no means happy- but I am getting there- and have my moments of clarity. My AH had 2 emotional affairs that I know of. The most recent has been harder because he has said some amazingly thoughtless things about her- someone he's known for maybe 6 months. We have been married 12. I am like you- I don't understand how that cannot mean something to him. What people before me here have said is true- they have no ability to think of anyone but themselves when they are drinking. We have one daughter. It blows me away what he has said and done without regard for the effect on me or her! Someone told me once that it's better to have one healthy parent than 2 who were as sick as we were together. I am so much better off now than I was 5 months ago. I am doing my best to help myself and in the process hope it will help my daughter. I read, journal, go to a therapist and al-anon. And the people here are wonderful! Please keep coming back. We are here to listen. I have learned an incredible amount from these wise people. Take care!
I am so sorry you and your children are going through this! It is very confusing. I have been separated from my AH for 5 months now and have to say that each day gets better. I am by no means happy- but I am getting there- and have my moments of clarity. My AH had 2 emotional affairs that I know of. The most recent has been harder because he has said some amazingly thoughtless things about her- someone he's known for maybe 6 months. We have been married 12. I am like you- I don't understand how that cannot mean something to him. What people before me here have said is true- they have no ability to think of anyone but themselves when they are drinking. We have one daughter. It blows me away what he has said and done without regard for the effect on me or her! Someone told me once that it's better to have one healthy parent than 2 who were as sick as we were together. I am so much better off now than I was 5 months ago. I am doing my best to help myself and in the process hope it will help my daughter. I read, journal, go to a therapist and al-anon. And the people here are wonderful! Please keep coming back. We are here to listen. I have learned an incredible amount from these wise people. Take care!
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