gns

I have been starting to see a guy I really like. He travels alot for work. Yesterday he missed my party because of work - I was very disappointed. I also started having unbelievable anxiety wondering if he is leading a "double life" and deceiving me. I started trying to verify things he has told me by doing google searches. I started almost feeling panic-stricken.

I am trying to figure out where this anxiety comes from. On a previous thread someone mentioned that "self-love" was the solution. I dismissed it at first, but I wonder if that is the source of my anxiety?

It is hard to know if it is "real" (my intuition trying to tell me something) or my fear.

ICU

I know I have trust issues so I'm not even looking to get involved with anyone romantically just yet...wouldn't be fair to him or me.

However, if my 'gut' were speaking to me, or, if confused as to whether or not it was my gut or unresolved past issues, I would take a look at it. Perhaps investigate a little...look within a little...both, perhaps! But, I would have to prepare myself for whatever the answer really is and deal with it accordingly.

Barbara52

It seems you have some self examing to do to figure out why you are having these trust issues.

I know I am not ready to date, even casually, because I have issues that are going to take time work out. If I would be dating and having problems like you mention I would be looking inside rather than assuming the guy in question was actually doing something that raised red flags.

LaTeeDa

For me the trust issue was really more about trusting myself. If someone is deceiving you, you will find out. Lies have a way of making themselves known. Now, what will you do if the lies present themselves? Will you ignore them and go into denial (like I often did in the past), or will you face the truth and do what's best for you? When you have confidence that you will do the latter, the anxiety will begin to fade.

I'll say it again--it's not about trusting others, it's about trusting yourself. So, yes, you are right that self-love is the cure. (Much easier said than done, though, huh?)

L

karmakoma

What evidence do you have that he is cheating?

As LTD says, it is about trusting yourself. Trusting yourself to see true red flags and also to handle the consequences of any transgressions. As she also says, the truth will out. And I have found it to be so the less I say. It is easy for me to say my boundaries out loud and for another to go along with those for a time. That is, until I am hooked good and proper and am more likely to betray my own boundaries. Better to let all of that stand and fall on its own merits.

There are lots of people out there who will do the dirty on me. It is a measure of my own character and recovery that I decide how much impact their actions have on me and my psyche.

Barbara52

Most of the time changing plans because of X means nothing more than X means plans have to be changed. The majority of people are pretty straight forward with each other.

For me, assuming all reasons for a change of plans means deception on the part of the other person means I have a problem trusting people. I then would have to examine why I have such trust problems and what I can do to change that.

If a relationship is not built on basic trust, it is doomed IMO. Sooner or later it will be torn apart by that lack of trust. If I am starting a relationship without that basic trust, I don't really want that relationship since I know it cannot succeed without that basic level of trust that I think must exist to begin a relationship. Now, if as the relationship develops I have reason not to continue to trust, clear reason, something concrete, then I am not reacting from underlying issues with trust.

FormerDoormat

I think LTD and Karmakova hit the nail on the head here when they suggested that the solution is an inside job. Perhaps it's too soon to enter into an intimate relationship. I know it is for me. I'm still working on getting strong in the broken places. It took a long time for me to become broken; so I'm allowing myself plenty of time to heal.

denny57

I would pay close attention to this. If I've "just started" seeing someone and I am already disappointed in them, I'm not ready.

ICU

A very important element in my journey is paying attention to my 'intuition', or, my gut feelings. Those feelings, insights, clues, etc. coming from my gut/intuition are the crucial things that in hindsight, I should have paid attention to in the past, but didn't. Acknowledging those feelings, not minimizing them, or rationalizing them away, or even denying them all together, is part of learning to trust myself!

Of course, I still have to determine if it's 'just' left trust over issues, or, if there really is an issue I need to give some thought to. For me, looking at and acknowledging both possibilities is loving, caring for, and, trusting myself!

gns

Thank you, guys. ICU your words really got me thinking - it doesn't have to be so black and white - I should pay attention to my feelings and use it as an impetus to explore further not necessarily as an end point by itself (feelings aren't facts?).

LateeDa - it makes sense that the solution is internal. I just don't know exactly what the problem is - I am not so much afraid to stay when I should leave. I am afraid of being deceived and not being able to figure out who "he really is" and maybe afraid of feeling abandoned and unlovable.

For everyone that suggested that maybe I am not ready to date - I am not so sure about that - I did not date for a year and was/am feeling good about my life - like I really didn't NEED a man for the first time.

I think the vulnerability of being in a relationship is bringing up issues? I am very uncomfortable with the vulnerability - not sure how to negiotiate that.

LaTeeDa

I think it is natural to feel some uncomfortableness with vulnerability. The fact that you originally labeled it panic/anxiety may be what you want to look at. JMHO.

L

AskingWhy

I wish I'd paid attention to these kinds of red flags. In fact, I'd say most people here wish the same thing. A lot of us wouldn't be in our present situation if we had of. In fact, I'm 99% certain if I'd just mentioned some of my concerns and red flags to a few people that perhaps I'd have been knocked out of my "coma" of love I was in. Then again, I may have alienated those same people and still chosen the path I'm on.

But, one thing I have learned...I will never ever ignore the red flags I see in my life's path again. NEVER.

It's this simple: The pain that you suffer by taking heed of a red flag and making a hard choice is NOTHING like the pain you will suffer if you ignore the red flags and then have to make a hard choice. If you ignore the red flag the first time, then every single decision from that point on becomes a hard one.

gns

LateeDa, Could you please elaborate? How do you deal with vulnerability? What is the difference between uncomfortable and anxiety/panic?

To everyone else - how do you deal with vulnerability? Don't you think that after a while "working on ourself in isolation" is just self-protective so that we don't have to be vulnerable again and risk getting hurt?

ICU - your comments reminded me of what my previous therapist said "sit with the feeling" - you don't have to react, but see where it goes. Thanks for reminding me about that.

LaTeeDa

For me I think this is the difference between uncomfortable, and anxiety/panic. When I trust myself enough to know that even if I am decieved, it will not destroy me. When I love myself enough to know that if a relationship doesn't work out, it's not because I am unlovable. It simply didn't work out. When I stop having fears and expectations about the future and learn to live in today. When I take life as it comes, good or bad, and know that it will all work out. When I can look at the rough spots and find the lesson in them. That's when I can feel uncomfortable without the panic. And that's what I am striving for.

FWIW, I agree that the test of recovery comes in relationships with others. Though, not exclusively romantic relationships.

I also think you are asking yourself all the right questions. Keep at it!

L

denny57

I think everyone defines "after a while" differently. I did it for as long as it took and then I was ready. I trust myself now and that's worth everything.